How to prevent your children from growing up inept?

[BretonStripe]

I'm really hoping I don't get a battering here. I've thought long and hard about posting, and have taken a deep breath. Genuinely looking for some help on how to help my ds, who I love dearly.

I have two sons who are in Yr7 and Yr10. Eldest has always been naturally curious, quick-to-learn, asks lots of questions and is confident in trying new things etc Youngest is a lot less confident and naturally more sensitive, risk-averse, shy, quiet, retiring etc He is academically bright and gets good results on tests/Yr6 SATs etc but when it comes to normal, every-day things like tying shoe laces and using cutlery he really struggles. Do we think he's possibly a bit dyspraxic? When asking him to hand me something in the kitchen he can just stare at an open drawer and ask things like "what's a tin opener?". I'm struggling to think of any more examples right now, but honestly me, dh and ds1 are semi-regularly (secretly, most of the time) baffled by how he can be "clever" at school but a bit clueless at home? He can't seem to figure fairly basic stuff out on his own, then even after showing him he's cack-handed and lacks gumption.

He really doesn't seem to have any 'common sense' when we're out and about sometimes and I worry he's going to grow up to be one of those adults that's a bit, well....inept?

Any advice apart from to keep on doing what we're already doing, ie encouraging him to do these things for himself, teaching him to cook and clean (it's such a struggle as he hates house tasks), giving him opportunities to practice little skills like using a screwdriver etc appreciated. Anyone else had a ds like this who is now a 20-something who can figure out how to open a packet all by themselves?! ;-)

After reading the replies on here, I have realised a lot of the things he does are normal for an 11yr old, I just overly worry I think. Like someone said, often 90% of the anxiety comes from the person observing.

We will continue to gently encourage ds to try new things, like using a tin opener and sharp knives etc and never tut or roll our eyes when he's being cack-handed and struggling. We do play board games with him and he used to enjoy Lego, so will get that back out soon. I'm sure he'll be ok when he's in his twenties and beyond, just got to accept that he's probably never going to be the most confident, dextrous/practical type of person but that's more than ok! I'm certainly not perfect myself.

Thanks again for all the supportive and helpful replies - really appreciate them all.

He sounds alot like me at that age. I was always clumsy, bumping into things, slow to learn practical things yet book smart far above my peers. Painfully shy, anxious as hell and bullied something rotten.
I couldn't tie my shoe laces until 11, nor tell the time.
Over the years what I've found is that when someone teaches me something if they go too fast, or in a way that I can't process, my mind almost shuts down and I'm stuck on a certain bit in my own head. I learn by teaching myself. And it really didn't help to be called slow or stupid as often happened. My nan would say I was lacking in common sense or other cutting remarks and it ruined my confidence for many years.
Turns out I am actually very practical and successful in adulting now I know how my mind works and how I learn.

Why don't you ask your boy how he feels most comfortable learning things?

I have not read the whole thread. But it seems to me that it is impossible for you, as mum, to wash your hands of the situation. People find happiness and satisfaction all over.; my DC did not think they wanted to be in horticulture, and it may or may not be their career path. But right now, it's a paying job, with training and progress.

Just an update for @MattCauthon - we recently got DS privately assessed for dyspraxia/dcd, and he does meet the criteria for a diagnosis based on his poor fine motor skills, and his struggles with proprioception/visual-motor integration, in-hand manipulation skills etc. His gross motor skills were very good. I've only had a phone call debrief with the O.T, and she will send the report with recommendations to us and his school soon. Things like using a laptop at school will help (he gets sore wrists writing for longer than a few minutes, due to his poor pencil grip/movement coming from wrist). We will take on board any and all suggestions to help him improve as best he can.

So thank you to everyone on this thread for pointing me in the right direction; we can now continue to support him in the best ways possible, and keep trying to improve his self-esteem.

Oh, I am so pleased you sought the diagnosis and help. That is excellent news. If your ot offers it, or can recommend one who does, actual sessions with an OT can be weirdly helpful. I still dont understand what ours did with ds, but it was life changing.

Yes yes to the keyboard/laptop. That's brilliant. Also, it occurs to me that knowing this ahead of high school is excellent. I remember the SENCO telling me that a diagnosis is particularly helpful in year 7 when the teachers don't know the children so having that diagnosis mark on the register helps prevent problems. He used the example if in DT when the kids are using machinery! 🤣🤣

Ds is much better with clothes now but he had/has tricks to help him. We tried velcro shirts (instead of button), but mostly he goes for over head and he wears his pe shorts under his school trousers on PE days! 🙂

A diagnosis can only help - gives you tools and ideas and an explanation. Well done again.