How to prevent your children from growing up inept?

[BretonStripe]

I'm really hoping I don't get a battering here. I've thought long and hard about posting, and have taken a deep breath. Genuinely looking for some help on how to help my ds, who I love dearly.

I have two sons who are in Yr7 and Yr10. Eldest has always been naturally curious, quick-to-learn, asks lots of questions and is confident in trying new things etc Youngest is a lot less confident and naturally more sensitive, risk-averse, shy, quiet, retiring etc He is academically bright and gets good results on tests/Yr6 SATs etc but when it comes to normal, every-day things like tying shoe laces and using cutlery he really struggles. Do we think he's possibly a bit dyspraxic? When asking him to hand me something in the kitchen he can just stare at an open drawer and ask things like "what's a tin opener?". I'm struggling to think of any more examples right now, but honestly me, dh and ds1 are semi-regularly (secretly, most of the time) baffled by how he can be "clever" at school but a bit clueless at home? He can't seem to figure fairly basic stuff out on his own, then even after showing him he's cack-handed and lacks gumption.

He really doesn't seem to have any 'common sense' when we're out and about sometimes and I worry he's going to grow up to be one of those adults that's a bit, well....inept?

Any advice apart from to keep on doing what we're already doing, ie encouraging him to do these things for himself, teaching him to cook and clean (it's such a struggle as he hates house tasks), giving him opportunities to practice little skills like using a screwdriver etc appreciated. Anyone else had a ds like this who is now a 20-something who can figure out how to open a packet all by themselves?! ;-)

following for answers - eldest ds has inattentive adhd and is really struggling, not motivated or engaged at school, so looking for tips / advice. Sorry not to be able to offer any at this point!

My son is 20 and recently diagnosed as autistic. He is very good around the house and can cook, do the washing up etc. but sometimes he drives me mad. Can't find things even when given precise instructions ( second shelf at the back) for example. Regards the cooking could you ask your son pick a recipe, buy the ingredients and do the prep and cooking??
My son found it really good to plan the whole event. Good luck x

Great question! And certainly no flaming coming from me.

I have a 13yo son who can show similar traits. Very bright at school but will often stand in front of a cupboard full of crockery and tell me he can't see the bowls...

I've started gently challenging him on things like this. I'll say 'I'm going to ask you to think about what you've just asked, and see if you can work it out yourself before you ask me again' (or something along those lines!).

I'm also starting to ask him for more help in the house. He's never shown any interest in helping with food, etc, and I've been very guilty of just getting on with things myself, but I refuse to have him leave home in X number of years without being vaguely capable of looking after himself. I've shown him how to put a load of washing on for example (I still supervise it from afar, just in case!), and will now ask him to do a bit towards supper, eg chop a pepper, fry some mince, etc. Yes, I often have to physically show him how to do these things (use the knife safely, etc) but I think it's just a case of little and often rather than expecting too much and causing an argument.

I'm sure there are plenty of kids his age who can cook an entire meal, then clean the kitchen... And maybe it's my fault for not expecting him to do more in past years. I'm happy to hold up my hands and admit my fault in this. But I'm trying to rectify it slowly and gently. Good luck!

That's great your son is good around the house and can do those things now; that's what I'm hoping for my ds. Need to get him to do more washing up, as tbh he just throws things in/out of the dishwasher.

Good idea re: getting him involved in preparing and cooking a whole meal. He detests supermarkets, but I make him come with me now and then and try to teach him stuff like looking at the price per kg when comparing foods, packing the heavy/sturdy stuff in bags first, checking use by dates etc He just seems so disinterested and always has. Will help cook a meal once in a blue moon. There are soooo many skills involved with shopping and cooking hey? He will help make sweet stuff, so will make an effort to do more of that. Thank you.

If he is struggling with tying his shoe laces (how is he with zips and buttons) or use a knife and fork, at this age, then yes, I have to wonder if he's dyspraxic. Can he ride a bike?

Being a bit inept when out and about on the road sounds like one of the senses he struggles with is proprioception - it's an inability ot understand where your body is in the space around you. Leads to clumsiness etc. A teacher once told me that with DS, if he asked the children to line up in order of height, he could pretty much guarantee that tall DS would be wandering around bashing into the children at the front (the short ones) and so not only would he be on the wrong side, he wouldn't actually be in the queue but sort of off to the side. And he's not even dyspraxic - he doesn't quite meet the threshold although he does have dyspraxic traits and has confirmed Sensory Processing Disorder (dyspraxia is a form of SPD).

I would guess he hates supermarkets because of the sensory overload. - too busy, too noisy, too many colours/shapes/textures and too many variations in temperature. DS still doesn't like coffee shops - the noise of coffee machines is overwhelming to him.

Also, stop referring to him as "lacking gumption". I suspect he's been wandering around completely overwhelmed most of his life and yet is still doing quite well academically and overall. That's more gumption that most of us display.

if you can afford it, find a private occupational therapist and have him assessed. If you can't, go to the GP and try to get him referred or ask the school - some counties allow schools to refer to OT.

We sound like we're in similar places. I don't want to make ds feel stupid (even if on the inside I'm exasperated and/or cringing) so gently supporting and giving plenty of time for processing on his part. There's just things he doesn't seem to 'get', coupled with a lack of confidence to give things a try. Other kids just seem to get on with it or give things a go, but he's so reluctant.

Little and often and no/few arguments is how I've been doing it (hoping he'll turn a corner).

Wish I'd managed to persuade him to try cubs/beavers/scouts or similar but he was never going to go...he loves football and gaming and that's about it.

According to my son, you are either street wise or book wise.

A good way to get reluctant cooks into cooking is to subscribe to some of the food boxes - Hello Fresh, Gousto, Mindful chef, or Sinply Cook (opening offers can be good value). Somehow, it’s more fun to choose the recipes and it all comes in a box. Then you just have to follow the recipe cards. My young adult still uses Simply Cook all the time

@BretonStripe it will take time for your son to want to help and be independent. Sending hugs x also rice crispy cakes, toasted sandwiches and home made pizza are good cooking starting points

My 14 year old is bright but struggles in similar ways to what you describe. She was diagnosed with dyspraxia at 8 years old, auditory processing disorder and anxiety. More recently, she was diagnosed with autism. I have tried to adapt the home to meet her needs. This means rails in bathrooms, and stressing the importance of everything being organised and keeping to the schedule. It just calms down those everyday struggles. Her ability to listen is diminished so complex instructions are written down because she won't recall more than 2 or 3 steps in one go.

My eldest was the same. Super intelligent but so lacking in common sense and gumption. He did very well academically, walk to wall A*s, first in maths. He did learn to do practical stuff though often doesn't see the point. Admin gets the better of him sometimes though he has improved as he's got older. He's a responsible adult in a successful career but can still be infuriating. His father, DH is exactly the same.

Ah, I've heard that expression before. I think my youngest is pretty book smart, but not exceptionally so. Definitely not streetwise, bless him. He has struggled with anxiety in the past. Teaching him to ride a bike (when he was around 6.5) was a huge task and took months and months of effort from us when he constantly just wanted to give up. I keep saying these things are life skills that he needs.

Ah, I'm not a fan of those subscription boxes as they can be pricey and so wasteful when it comes to packaging. I cook most things from scratch so have all the herbs/spices/sauces anyway. May see if he's interested though and do it for a very short while to try and pique his interest - thanks.

This sounds very familiar - my DC are slightly older but follow a similar pattern. For us, doing any kind of training scenario (eg you find the way to the bus stop and buy the tickets, we will follow) doesn't work that well. It is much more successful if he just simply has to do something for himself because we are out. He somehow finds his own way of doing things if he has no choice but to step up.

It's a really difficult balance to strike because you don't want to stress them out or force them to do something that's too much for them. A lot of our breakthroughs came by us saying we have to be in X place at this time so either you have to get up early and come with us, but your other choice is to lie in and then do Y thing for yourself a bit later.

The Simple cook ares cheaper- you only get sent the herbs and spices and buy the ingredients yourself. You’re also not tied down to eating all the food on a week.

Sounds like you're a brilliant mum who is getting all the support needed for her daughter - she's lucky to have you. Yes, ds gets stressed and upset if I give him too many instructions at the same time, always has. I guess I thought he'd grow out of it by 12 but it's not looking likely, so will keep on breaking things down to one or two things at a time. Keeping calm and patient is key with these things when your child is prone to anxiety hey?

Yes, this is what we do (I've had to guide dh as he just tends to do everything for the kids, but I tell him they need to do it for themselves to learn properly and gain confidence).

Recently, we were on a walk and we came up to a small gate tied to a big gate. It took him an embarrassingly long time to work out how to open the gate. We let him do it, all he had to do was lift a bit of rope that was looped around the top of the little gate, but honest to goodness it took him minutes of standing and staring; he doesn't have the confidence or gumption to just try things? There was nobody else around for miles so it's not because he was self-conscious (he normally is).

I asked my older son (20 at University) recently if he would like me to teach him how to cook (I've shown him the basics and done cooking with him as a child of course). He basically said no he'd learn it from YouTube when he needs to, and although I was a bit disappointed I think it was the right thing for him to say (and true. I was taught to cook but didn't really learn until I was doing it for myself full time)

Modern parenting style is very present and supportive. I love to be there every step of the way for my kids but sometimes, with the best will in the world it can make them anxious and less capable so it helps to step back more.

My younger son is almost certainly dyspraxic (so am I maybe). It's the worst thing in the world to stand over him and help him step by step, because he develops his own peculiar methods to do things and trying to second guess what he needs doesn't seem to help. When we've said "I'm pretty sure you have the skills to do this" and then buggered off, it's been much better - probably a confidence thing.

Anyone who works with teenagers and young adults will tell you they are all idiots but most of them have enough of a grain of sense to muddle through. Just don't look too closely at the chaos they make while they get there.

I would definitely look at a dyspraxia checklist. When DD1 got her formal diagnosis we realised a number of other things she struggled with at school were related. If he doesn't like supermarkets that could be a sensory thing for example.

Work out what matters and what can be worked around. You can't work on everything.

I have found that my little displays of incompetence are far more effective teaching tools than trying to model to my teen ds how to do things correctly.

I lured him out shopping with me by buying the wrong flavour of crisps. He’s figured out the importance of checking dates by me picking up something that was out of date, he took over managing the shopping trolley and stacking the conveyor to stop me squashing things.

He’s much better at processing written instructions than verbal ones, so when I’m cooking I ask him to check stuff in the recipe, or look things up on line. What does it say to do with the onion? Is sautéing different to frying?

I’m about to get unreliable with the laundry next.

Well done to your ds! Mine isn't super intelligent nor studious (he's all but given up reading and getting him to do homework is a massive struggle. Think he'll do ok at some GCSEs but will in no way walk them).

As someone who seems quite dyspraxic to myself (I doubt to a diagnosable level) and who is also the youngest of 3, I can’t help feeling a bit sad. I do see that it is embarrassing and infuriating to watch someone who finds this stuff so difficult. Most partners I’ve had have ended up simply grabbing stuff out of my hands rather than watch me take an incredibly long time to figure it out myself. And I will say that it is lovely to be grown up and just pay for people to do things for me. But as a clumsy youngest, you are permanently surrounded by people who are better than you at everything. No wonder he doesn’t want to have a go under the eyes of everyone else.

I don’t really have a solution. I too am good at the academic side which saved me (and means I earn enough to pay a lot of handymen, bike shops etc). I also had a mother who had been the 4th of 5th children herself and was infinitely patient. I’d look for things that you can be sincerely enthusiastic about for him. Does he like music? Would he have a go at learning an instrument, or joining a singing group of some kind? I am certain that struggling away at a viola and then a piano, though I was never much good at either, did a lot for my ability to use my hands. The teacher matters though, ask for recommendations.

Ooh. Also board games - manipulating the pieces in physical space is good too.

What games does he play? Mine did things like Lego ones, Harry Potter, Zelda all which have problem solving challenges rather than just Minecraft and free building.

I think having a conversation with him to point out that you don't live with your parents and he will at some point move out and do everything that you and Dh do.

Repetition helps. By 13 mine had to empty bins (set days on a rota on the fridge, not when the bin is full) strip their beds and put the washing on and put everything back on after it was tumble dried. I had a photo instruction sheet I made in the utility so they didn't have to ask what setting. They also did the price comparison thing in a supermarket as they knew they would be shopping for food for themselves in future. There was also a dishwasher rota for both weekdays and then either Sunday or Monday because that is a weekend load when everyone is at home. So Ds1 did Mon, Wed, Sat, Ds2 did Tue, Thu, Sun and I did Friday. They did this first thing before breakfast and after showering and getting dressed. They do this to music so they know it doesn't take that long.

Dh also used to baby the children and I told him you are not doing them any favours. They are learning to be fully functioning adults. You gradually add stuff into their day to day over the years.

As for looking at the tin opener instead of pointing it out get him to name all the things in the drawer, touch each item, what is it? Get them thinking, I always think it is something that is taught and not necessarily instinctive for everyone.

No my DS2 wouldn't try that either when we are there, but if he'd been on his own in the field I'm certain he wouldn't stay there till he starved and would figure it out pretty quickly. I worried a lot about this sort of thing too but I think it's an inevitable feature of their position in the family that they know you're there watching them and they almost don't feel like they have permission to be competent if you're there because they know you could do it better (this is not a failing on us as parents it's just how some kids are).

Don't look too closely at the chaos shall be a new mantra - thank you!

I think I need to get a job with young adults so I can relax a bit more and know we're not alone. Social media is full of 5 years olds cooking roast dinners from scratch by themselves (ds struggles with a potato peeler and needs a lot of supervision with sharp things, despite me taking him on wood whittling courses and the like over the years).

I have 4 with varied natural abilities and curiosity. I have always set them tasks from an early age and from 13, have always given them money to do their own food shopping and have taught them meal prep too. All could live independently from the age of 16 as they have the skills to do so.