How to prevent your children from growing up inept?

[BretonStripe]

I'm really hoping I don't get a battering here. I've thought long and hard about posting, and have taken a deep breath. Genuinely looking for some help on how to help my ds, who I love dearly.

I have two sons who are in Yr7 and Yr10. Eldest has always been naturally curious, quick-to-learn, asks lots of questions and is confident in trying new things etc Youngest is a lot less confident and naturally more sensitive, risk-averse, shy, quiet, retiring etc He is academically bright and gets good results on tests/Yr6 SATs etc but when it comes to normal, every-day things like tying shoe laces and using cutlery he really struggles. Do we think he's possibly a bit dyspraxic? When asking him to hand me something in the kitchen he can just stare at an open drawer and ask things like "what's a tin opener?". I'm struggling to think of any more examples right now, but honestly me, dh and ds1 are semi-regularly (secretly, most of the time) baffled by how he can be "clever" at school but a bit clueless at home? He can't seem to figure fairly basic stuff out on his own, then even after showing him he's cack-handed and lacks gumption.

He really doesn't seem to have any 'common sense' when we're out and about sometimes and I worry he's going to grow up to be one of those adults that's a bit, well....inept?

Any advice apart from to keep on doing what we're already doing, ie encouraging him to do these things for himself, teaching him to cook and clean (it's such a struggle as he hates house tasks), giving him opportunities to practice little skills like using a screwdriver etc appreciated. Anyone else had a ds like this who is now a 20-something who can figure out how to open a packet all by themselves?! ;-)

I didn’t expect my DC to do any chores but I did expect them to be fairly independent by the time they went to secondary school. So this meant loosening the reigns and making all the mini mistakes in years 5/6.

I didn’t ‘teach them’ per se, as I remember being a teen and my DM trying to teach me stuff and I couldn’t have given a flying shit. When I was actually given autonomy, I just needed the basics of how the oven worked or which buttons to press in the washing machine and I was away. It’s not exactly rocket science but it does need intrinsic motivation.

I would just encourage independence. Especially with boys. Stop mummying them.

I would give lots of concrete instructions about important things (safety, travel, life advice about finances, running a house etc) as and when appropriate, and let him work out less critical things himself.

They manage when they are out in the wild. They really do. I've got five, now all adults and I still remember with a shudder the shouting and arguments when I tried to show them how to do normal household tasks when they were younger. They all seemed to think that either they didn't need to know how to do it (for some reason) or that they would work it out themselves. So I gave it my best shot and then stopped because it was just making the whole house shouty and miserable.

When my younger son went to University (they all, bar one, went off to uni and I ended up calling it 'Finishing School' because that's where they learned to cope by themselves) he rang me one day and told me that he was glad that I'd taught him how to cook and how to work a washing machine, because he was one of the only ones in his cohort who could and he was busy teaching everyone else! (I was unaware that he'd actually learned ANY of the things I'd tried to teach him, but it must have sunk in...)

They're now all coupled up and have houses of their own which seem to only contain the normal amount of chaos. So, yes, between YouTube, the Internet, asking their friends and trial and error - they work it out themselves. All you can do is try, but don't beat yourself up if they show no interest!

Strategic incompetence at it's finest - I love it! Thank you for sharing your ideas, will certainly take them on board.

We have a young toddler in our extended family we saw recently who is just learning to walk. She was tired and kept falling over then getting back up again. I said to the kids she's a perfect visual example of how we learn; we try, we fail, we get back up and carry on. No harm done.

Just wish ds wasn't so afraid of getting things wrong 😔I've always tried to be calm, patient and understanding. We don't shout at him or call him names or anything like that, he's just naturally of a nervous disposition I guess.

Your younger DS sounds a lot like my DH as a child - very bright but struggled with handwriting / fiddly things and organising himself. Even now he’s terrible at finding stuff!

He has dyspraxia and was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. However it’s really not held him back - he’s the smartest person I know, with a PhD, good job, he’s a wonderful dad and great husband.

Good luck!

Thank you for sharing your experiences and being sensitive. I do feel very very sorry for him, and minimise the amount of times we are openly concerned for him as he's very intuitive so picks up if we're exasperated even if we don't huff, puff, frown etc at his incompetence. I think tbh I'm more aware of it than him, and am probably worrying a bit too much.

DS1 has been playing an instrument since age 7, and we've offered DS2 the same opportunities, different instruments, home lessons or lessons at school from about the same age (though Covid did have an impact on him). We bought him a mini electric drumkit a couple of years ago he used around five times. He is not at all interested. His passions are football and video gaming, though I do regularly try and get him to play board games with me.

You've hit the nail on the head re: being able to afford to pay people the stuff you're not great at, and that's exactly my dh's experience. He's fortunate that he found a decent job at a young age and excels in that niche area, so we pay builders, plumbers, carpenters etc to do even minor jobs as he's just not 'handy' like that. I know it's a lack of confidence and experience for him, too (his parents are overbearing and would call him names and tell him to get out of the way and they'll do it), hence wanting to change things for our sons.

Going back a few decades - my husband would always comment on the young graduates taken on at his work (chemical manufacturers).

He could not understand how they indeed were so inept.

H was the type to send them to the stores for a 'long stand'.

Thanks everyone, really helpful and supportive! Got to go to work now but will catch up again tonight.

For info, the boys already do the following (so feeling a little better now)

• Empty dishwasher/stack dinner stuff/help tidy after dinner
• Strip their bedding/help re-make (ds2; ds1 does his own and has done for years)
• Empty all recycling bins
• Help me with food shopping ad-hoc and come out to car to help carry it into the house/put away in cupboards if they're home
• Assist me with other bits and pieces around the house if they're in the mood ! Like someone above said; when we were teens we couldn't give a shiny shite about learning household chores ! And I'm not one for shouting and arguing about things.

Sure there are more but got to go for now. Thanks again all!

My mum worked in a university with lots of PhD qualified people and she would regularly comment on the 'lack of common sense' that was evident. Yet they all seemed to survive and, despite them all working with chemicals and biohazards, they managed not to kill anyone.

Sometimes 90% of the anxiety is felt by the observer.

My son was exactly like yours growing up with the exception that he was rubbish at football. He is left handed which seems to make cooking difficult, it's excruciating watching him spread butter on toast !
He took ages to learn to swim, ride a bike and tie his shoelaces. He's now in his 20's and has improved immeasurably, he still isn't sporty but he drives really well, has gained licences driving other types of vehicles and cooks really well. Something seemed to 'click' when he started work.
I think you are doing the right things, keep exposing him to everyday day tasks and skills.

Yup, my 27yr old ds. He was like this when younger (dyspraxia), however as an adult he is fairly competant.
He'll be fine

I could have written your OP myself, my DS is exactly like that. It’s hard to explain it to people sometimes. He was late to learn to ride a bike, swim, tie his shoe laces, use cutlery and so on but also there is a sort of “vagueness” around what needs done sometimes.

My DS is 17 now. He is getting better but still struggles so much with the basics like making a sandwich that he simply avoids it. To my mind it’s because he doesn’t hold the knife correctly, same with his pen for writing. I could go on. No amount of coaching helps.

On the other hand, he laughs at me when I’m using technology even though I think I’m reasonably confident. He came in useful on a recent city break when all our tickets and reservations were on my phone - I can do it but I did have the spinning finger in front of my phone screen on occasions trying to work out what to tap. To him it’s intuitive.

I’m sure your son will find his own way and be just fine. You’re worried because you’re his mum and feel it is your duty to instil these things in him but if he can’t, he can’t.

Just to add, my DS did use a screwdriver recently. I was surprised when he reached for it rather than asking me to do it. I don’t think he’s ever going to be a joiner but he did manage to put a couple of screws in 😊

My son can have traits like this, but he's having to help more at home recently, as I've fractured a bone in my foot. I'm on crutches, my husband is WFH in a full-time stressful job at the moment because I can't be left on my own, so my son is being asked to do more. Honestly, I think this is helping him, he's having to do stuff, rather than looking clueless at me!! He does do small things - like laying the table for tea etc anyway, but this is extra! I'd say the more you ask your son to do things, the easier it will be, he will learn.

Thr language you have used on this thread shows how you thibk he is "incompetent", "inept", "embarassing". Why dont you take on board any of the comments te dyspraxia and consider getting him help?

Agreed and it makes for sad reading.
It does sound like DS is neurodivergent in some way and to describe that as embarrassing, incompetent or lacking gumption is cruel. You wouldn't call him embarrassing for not being mobile enough if he was a wheelchair user, so please don't do so just because you can't see the issues preventing him from learning some things the 'normal' way.

Yes I was going to say that this “spikey” profile of finding some things a struggle to being very gifted in others rings the ND bell for me!

I have a family member who struggles academically and can barely read but who is an advanced, gifted pianist, and they have adhd.

If this is the case with your son, his brain is just wired differently that’s all. He will have other compensatory skills. It’s very important that you and your dh are very patient with him op and that you don’t betray any of your private thoughts about ineptitude as many neurodiverse adults carry with them a huge burden of shame and lack of confidence from feeling like they were constantly failing during their childhood.

Instead of the subscription boxes, there are plenty of cookbooks (at the library) and blogs and youtube videos (select what works best) with titles such as "Quick and simple cooking", as an example. I didn't like cooking a lot, but I know it's necessary for health and financial reasons, it is not sustainable to live on sandwiches or ready meals forever. As a teen I found a cookbook that interested me, because it was of historical, classic dishes from the region my family moved to. Thus it had another angle, history and belonging, and I started going through the recipes.

Maybe you can find a cooking theme that is interesting to him, and let him begin with very simple recipes.
Additionally I would emphasize that it's a necessary skill to deal with budget, dates on food packaging, how to pack food after shopping so it doesn't break (as a PP mentioned), knowing some basic cooking, and at his age he still has enough time to learn about it with a buffer of time and people to help if he needs advice.

I liked the idea of own "strategic incompetence". There needs to be an awareness that at some point he has to do it.

I don't know whether it's comparable, and I do understand restrictions from dyspraxia or ADHD etc, but my family really had to budget when I grew up, and it just wasn't an option to not learn about food shopping, correct packing and storing food while growing up, because doing it haphazardly would have wasted so much food and money. As kids we might dislike this, tasks can be difficult and difficult to learn, but usually we pick it up eventually.

The situation with the other skills was similar.

But I would also say there are many ways to reach the same goal, and kids don't have to do things exactly the same way as their parents, if they find a different method that works and leads to the same goal.

Maybe it's an option to do more practical things together with his brother, as the pressure might be less than when it's coming from a parent.

I have a ds who, it sounds, is quite similar.

I ask him to help me with things like building furniture or ask him to do things like fit an exterior tap cover to protect against frost. I ask him to fill the wash/wipe reservoir or add some air to my tyres.

Each little skill, each little success adds to his self-confidence.

I obviously don't use that language out loud, to anyone. It's just in my head. And I don't treat ds like he's any of those things. I was just trying to articulate what I meant/sometimes think on an anonymous forum.

I am definitely taking on board all of the advice and suggestions, I've just been at work all day and not had a chance to respond. I will look into a dyspraxia assessment for sure.

As I've just said above, I would never say these things out loud to anyone, let alone ds. I'm just worried about him, hence voicing my concerns on an anonymous online forum. I'm certainly not cruel, but thanks.

It has been suggested in the past that ds may be ND, but we're not seeking a diagnosis at this point as he doesn't struggle in his day to day life either at home or school. He's generally a well and content boy, just struggles with some fine motor/lateral thinking skills and "common" sense. But seems from many on this thread that it's nothing to worry about and he'll grow up just fine.

Thank you for your thoughts. DS definitely isn't gifted and talented or exceptionally bright in anything; he's just done ok at primary (but not top of the class or won any awards or anything) so know he's ok academically. So not sure he has a "spiky" profile.

I know all too well from ND friends who were bullied and made to feel less than all their childhoods; it's devastating and affects you for the rest of your life. DH and I would never voice these private thoughts, hence me reaching out for some support here on an anonymous forum.

I am a lab technician in a university science department. We have our fair share of people who have PhDs and are like human wrecking balls. They can see connections between the most obscure pieces of data and follow complex protocols but ask them to rinse out their glassware and put it in the green box for collection or bring me 3 things when they order something specific causes total bafflement and a complete lack of ability to complete the task. We have plenty of people that can do these things but a sub group that genuinely just can't manage those things. I married one of them. He is exceptional at analysing data on a computer and can manage to pay bills but despite a reasonable knowledge of chemistry cannot fathom why you can't put silver or aluminium in a dishwasher without it oxidising with the salt. Or find anything if it is in a drawer or cupboard. 'his' things that he uses have to be left out where he can see them or he will simply buy a new one rather than opening a cupboard and looking for it.

As someone who got an ADHD diagnosis as an adult, please consider getting your son diagnosed if you think it’s possible - or even just chatting to him casually about how it might be a possibility.

Having a diagnosis doesn’t change anything, but not having one can mean years and years of feeling there’s something “wrong” with you because you struggle with things you feel you should be able to do. I wish I’d known years ago that I had ADHD, it would have been life-changing.

(And I say this as someone who did very well in school, good uni, happy social life etc)

We talk about neurodivergence regularly, and positively, in the house as have friends who are ND. I am actually considering a diagnosis myself (mid 40s) and have spoken to the children about it. If ds was struggling day to day in any area then I'd put him in the system , but he's not. I asked his Yr6 teachers if they had noticed any possible ND traits and they said no. So far so good at secondary school, but the minute he starts to struggle with friends, school work, home work, life etc we'll look for an assessment (we can afford to pay privately so wouldn't have to wait years).

But thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you're getting all the support and validation you deserve now.