I’m a single mum who works 40hrs. I feel like I’m going to collapse

[Daisydips]

I’m a single mum who works 40 hours a week. My LO is in nursery Monday to Friday and I genuinely can’t take it.

I have no idea what I’m doing wrong as I know single parents do this all the time but I’m starting to really struggle, it’s been over two years of doing It and it feels like I’m never going to get a break. I literally need the money I earn also, I have no financial support and my LO dad can’t afford to pay.

I have no clue on what to do. on the weekend I had a breakdown the whole weekend I couldn’t even move I was crying, exhausted and just done. Everyday I’m one bad sleep away from crashing again.

what do other single parents do ?

Ah love full time is so hard - I got away with part time

does no one look after your child for a day to let you rest properly ?

cut every corner you can - shower every other day is fine, less laundry, less clean house, don’t iron, throw bleach down the loo, look at where your time is going when you are not at work - home cook tea ( max 30 mins ) , look after child till at the latest 830? Then half an hour job and head to bed to rest

you may also need some irl help - possibly just moral support and someone to kick back with for an evening- that might be more your problem - the relentless routine rather than physical exhaustion

What does your support network look like OP - parents, siblings, friends?

You have my sympathy though as it just be very hard.

My support network is there in emergencies when I end up sick someone will step in.

But my mum works full time also and wants her weekends. My sister is 45 and childless and is apparently too busy to help. Lastly my child’s father wasn’t keen on a life with a kid so went back to his mums he’s living his life lol. He’s usually doing something. When he does help he needs money from me to get LO food. 🙃

I get it op, I’m a single mum work full time no family support, it’s just me & ds. It’s bloody hard. I often go to bed at same time as him to sleep, or I read in bed, especially at this time of year, my household tidy /cleaning standards are lower than I would like, I don’t iron, dishes done once a day, low prep meals, I try to stay off social media to reduce the pressure, ds & I have pj days at weekend, watch films, eat easy food (he loves it)

take care op, xx

Solidarity. Don’t feel like other single parents are smashing it, we’re not. I’m on the go from 6am to 9.30pm and am one crisis away from a nervous breakdown. 4 kids, no support and full time NHS job. One day at a time, it’s all you can do.

how do you all do this for years ? I feel like I’m going to drop down, I’m having panic attacks and I’m getting to the point I can’t even find it in me to go to work and I need the money

You sound like you’re at breaking point. I think this justifies calling in sick and having a rest for a couple of days next week while your child is in nursery.

This all sounds awful for you, OP. Agree with PP, can you see the GP and get signed off sick for a short time? Your LO relies on you and it sounds like you’re at breaking point. Also, appreciate your ex has little interest in spending time with his child, but how about his mum? Do your sister and mum understand how close to breaking point you are? It seems very churlish of them to ‘want their weekends’ every single weekend. Don’t they want to see their granddaughter/ niece?

It's hard. I've been doing it now for a long time and it gets much easier as they get older. It's brought me to crisis point at times though. As the first poster said, cut all the corners you can: packet rice, ready-cooked proteins, frozen veg steam packs, disposable cleaning wipes etc. I'm not going to get a michelin star or an eco award anytime soon, but it won't always be like this. Get a cleaner if you can afford to.
As previous posters have said, take a few days sick to reset. It sounds like you're burned out and need more than a weekend to recover. It's exhausting and people who haven't experienced it don't really understand.

It’s a real shame he isn’t interested in his child. How long were you together before TTC? These men who change their minds about parenting are the worst.

Can you talk with your GP?

Would your mother allow you to move in with her for some support? That would also save you money on rent, or allow you to rent out your house if you own it.

Break it down into manageable chunks - what are you finding most difficult? Does your child have a good routine and in bed by 8pm, as based on working a 40 hour week you should have every evening to yourself still??

Bulk cook at the weekend so you’re just popping things in the microwave in the week if you can too

I don’t know what I do. I just keep going. I try to go on holiday at least once a year and switch off entirely in that time. I run my own business. I have no social life whatsoever, my young adult children are both autistic and still need massive support in all ways - high care needs for one of them especially. Their father is completely uninvolved, apart from the occasional message and a lunch out every three months, and one of them despises him and won’t go anyway. I have little advice, sorry. I can just relate so much to your OP:

I get it OP and i work less hours. Single parent to 2 dc, and have been for 8 yrs. The "spare" time i do have i find im just not utilising properly. I think that is key but its so bloody relentless being "on it" all the time

Why can’t he afford to pay, does he work? I’d get a claim in regardless. Are you getting everything you are entitled to?

I agree in simplifying your life. Do a 7 day menu for yourself and just repeat it each week, get it delivered. Make it as simple as possible but make sure it’s still nutritious, but easy with little mess.
always have a wash ready to go in the machine.
Do a quick tidy up every evening whilst you do something else.
Get outside on the weekend and get fresh air for a while, park etc.

I would also go to the GP tell them you are exhausted and see if they want to do some bloods etc because there might be something wrong. They may suggest a break from work, it’s hard though as it’s not changing the issue! Have you any holiday spare to take a long weekend?

It’s hard that your mum also works as much. Is there any chance she would take DC one night a month maybe so you can sleep in.

@Daisydips do you have a mortgage to pay? Have you called CMS? To see if you can get any money from your ex? I would reduce hours down OP.

Force yourself to take a break, book a day off work and don’t do any chores that day.

I’m year 4 into raising twins and an older child (ex husband left when twins were babies) he has no contact and pay no CMS and nearest family is 4 hours away. I have good days and bad days - I also work in a demanding full time job - by the weekend or 830pm most evenings I’m on my knees. People say how strong I must be and I’m doing a great job but I’ve broken down in tears more times than I can count. I fake it until I make it - I tell myself next week / month / year will be easier. I find the good things about life in little things. Take the wins when you can bank them for when life is utterly shit x

You shouldn't have to do this on your own. The dad needs to help financially and with babysitting.

@ladykale my evenings after work and nursery pick up is eat, clean up and bed time. Work is demanding, fast paced. By time I get to work I’m drained my LO is waking up at 4 am hops in my bed and demands everything and doesn’t settle.

Think the main thing that sticks out as most difficult is work and tiredness. I had a problem with my old line manager couple months back with her saying I don’t go above and beyond and uses a colleague as an example. I’m the only mother is the company and to be fair I just don’t have it in me to do more than what I’m paid or required.

for the evening part I’m so drained I just go to bed. But I not sure if I’m drained as it’s normal for a parent or if it’s my Graves’ disease

I saw a post about going in sick. Wouldn’t this flag me at work and make me a target for them to get rid of or think I can’t handle the job ?

Well this just isn’t acceptable of your ex. Does he not work?

Either he works and can start financially contributing properly, or he doesn’t and he can’t start having her every other weekend to give you a break.

FGS, it’s not good enough for him to just walk away back to mummy and give up on his responsibilities.

Honestly, it should be a crime. He should be forced to pay you or be in prison. It’s just not fair. What a loser he is.

Go via CMS for support from the deadbeat Dad.

@IsntItDarkOut he wanted to peruse is passion when he was living with us. His job ended up firing him and he’s been doing his passion job since while living at home. The problem is it doesn’t pay consistent and the pay is small when he gets a client. He’s surviving on UC at the moment.

for my bloods I get them done on the regular I always end up anemic due to heavy periods and I have Graves

It depends. Do you have a contract? How long have you worked there? What’s the companies sickness policy?

Dont take work advice from the internet when you need your income. ACAS is a great charity who provide employee support if you have any concerns about being protected through sickness.

It sounds like your daughter is very lucky to have you, and that you need to make sure you choose a better partner next time. Someone who is responsible, caring and reliable. Not a mummy’s boy who thinks the world revolves around him.