I’m a single mum who works 40hrs. I feel like I’m going to collapse

[Daisydips]

I’m a single mum who works 40 hours a week. My LO is in nursery Monday to Friday and I genuinely can’t take it.

I have no idea what I’m doing wrong as I know single parents do this all the time but I’m starting to really struggle, it’s been over two years of doing It and it feels like I’m never going to get a break. I literally need the money I earn also, I have no financial support and my LO dad can’t afford to pay.

I have no clue on what to do. on the weekend I had a breakdown the whole weekend I couldn’t even move I was crying, exhausted and just done. Everyday I’m one bad sleep away from crashing again.

what do other single parents do ?

@SunnySideDeepDown I’ve tried I haven’t got the energy to argue.

Hes started filling in clubs but they don’t pay him much at all. After he goes out for the night and is super tired to help out the next day.

im not a single mum, but my mum did work full time when the kids were little.

I agree with a lot of the other posters have said. I would just add don’t feel guilty about asking others for help even if they are busy.

Could you build a schedule so that the kids go to grandmas every other Friday night? Once a fortnight is not a big deal for anytime regardless of part time or not. Could you build in the kids fathers mother so they go to theirs on alternate Fridays - 1 night off a week?

Ask your sister to do 1 weekend day every 2 months- planned well in advance. Is she so busy she can’t handle that?!

So then what? You’re tired too! Start standing up for yourself. Not just for you, but for your daughter. It sounds like everyone around him just accepts this. Are you scared of him, is that why you can’t say anything?

You need a childcare arrangement in place and then stick to it. Show your daughter what it’s like to be an independent woman who won’t take the shit.

I’ll probably get shot down on here for this, but have you had a look to see if you can maybe claim uc and reduce your hours , even by a day ? Just for a year maybe ? It’s there for support and if you have a breakdown you’ll be no use to anyone.

I would say your main problem is that you are being woken at 4am everyday. If you do that for long periods you will start to feel completely awful, as you are finding. So it’s not that you can’t manage what other single parents manage, it’s that you have a very specific set of problems that anyone would struggle with.

Solutions:

• A few days off sick
• Get help. Ask your mum to have dc overnight once a month. Share how terrible you feel.
• Go hard on tackling the 4am issue.
• Accept the situation and acknowledge that it will pass. This may not be possible if you have a breakdown.

I had a DC who just routinely woke very early. You can try ignoring and making sure youve got double, triple blackout blinds. It will improve over time to the point that they ‘only’ wake at 5.30 and understand they can only come and see you when the gro clock says so. You will then feel loads better.

It’s very tough and many wouldn’t manage it, especially with a child/children younger than school age.
First see your GP to get signed off to be able to do the following
Arrange virtual therapy for yourself
Get the dad to have child once a week
Grandma and Auntie also once a week
Tell the above people you are struggling and need this at least for a few weeks and they can drop down to once a fortnight
Look at reducing hours at work
Look for other roles thar are 32-36hrs/week
Discuss with GP having blood tests to check for deficiencies
Consider starting medication for anxiety if you’re having panic attacks
REST

Are there ways you could reduce your living costs to reduce the financial pressure and give you options?

Is there light at the end of the tunnel e.g. are you coming up to a point where childcare costs will drop a bit because of the child's age?

Is it that the job you do now is particularly draining or stressful, would you be happier if you were making moves towards a different career?

Is there maybe something physical going on like low iron or thyroid, B12, vit D etc that means you are more exhausted than you'd expect with work and small child? GP visit to rule out a physical cause and consider if there's mental health support needed?

It could be just an age and stage thing (kid still at the constant vigilance age and childcare costing a lot so financial pressure) combined with a lack of good support network. Finding another mum or two that you gel with could help, I appreciate finding them when you are so busy is hard. But it is worth making those connections as you tend to find that if the kids are playing with each other they are less intense on you, and that gives you a break and an opportunity for a chat, or taking turns to mind them so each other can have some child free time.

If you are really stuck on your own, make a short list of micro things you can do that feel restorative/kind to yourself. Little things like having your favourite hot drink, or a half hour favourite comedy show that makes you laugh, or getting outside for fresh air, a scent you like or songs that make you feel energised. And try and make it your secret mission to sprinkle more of that good stuff into your week, to bring a little bit of quiet joy.

I'm sorry things are feeling so overwhelming at the moment, don't forget to rule out a physical cause. Good luck.

Would you be able to condense your hours into 4 days? Or as a pp has said, drop one day and get universal credit to make up the shortfall.

I totally agree with this. OP this isn't a sustainable situation and you're heading for a complete nervous breakdown. Your work environment sounds awful, if you're going through all of this stress and you're being compared to child free colleagues. Take a few days off, have a complete rest and give it some thought. Don't beat yourself up because you can't sustain your current life...some people can but many many people can't. So look at it objectively. You have the body you have and you have to work around that. If you keep pushing yourself beyond your limits you will end up chronically ill. I speak from experience. Little tweaks that people are suggesting aren't going to work - you need some big changes.

You don't need therapy...that's more cost and time. What you're experiencing is a normal reaction to extreme stress.

What have you tried to get your periods sorted? Combined pill? Intrauterine system? Most women can stop their periods altogether.

He’s not surviving on UC he’s CHOOSING to be on UC. He’s an adult with basically no responsibilities pissing about being subsidised by his mum.
Put a claim in and don’t give him money for food, send her with a packed lunch if they are going out or maybe he should feed him herself.

Id sfill go to the docs, they’ll only do certain bloods not everything. Also it’s good to have it recorded thsts how you feel if you do end up off work.

Get the dad to have child once a week
Grandma and Auntie also once a week
Tell the above people you are struggling and need this at least for a few weeks and they can drop down to once a fortnight

What?! You can't just force people to look after your child one day a week!!!

She's said her mum works full time and her sister is too busy to help. They're not just going to be able to drop everything on one day a week to look after their grandchild / niece!

This! Why should you slog your guts out when there are plenty of other people who use benefits as a lifestyle choice.

I know a couple of mums from the school run who work part time and are on UC.
They always seem to be talking about their next break away for Easter and summer and always seem to be going to the gym/nail salon/hairdressers.

But people will tell you no that doesn't happen they are scrimping by etc etc.

This pisses me off so much. I hate the way men can just check out of parenting, knowing full well the mum will pick up the pieces. You see it on here all the time. As if you also don't want to check out? As if you want to be in this situation. I bet you'd love a bloody hobby job. But you can't change it because it all falls on you because the man is too fucking useless. Urgh! God it makes so cross!

Apply to CMS to get a slice of his UC. I know that doesn't help with the tiredness etc. but it might make deadbeat dad spring into action.

Exactly!

I feel for the OP. My mum was a single parent who worked full time, so I have an idea of what's involved.

But I don't have kids, and if someone suggested I look after theirs once a week, I'd tell them in no uncertain terms where they could shove their suggestion!

And are people on this thread just assuming the auntie has the time? Why, because she's a woman? She probably works full time and needs her weekends to unwind.

I agree OP seems to have no network. I would work part time.

I agree. Take a sick day every now and then just for a reset. It is justified. What you are doing is untenable. You essentially have two full-time jobs. You need to give yourself a break before you burn out.

Also (not really to do with the exhaustion but just a thought), try to give yourself a small treat from time to time - a coffee in a nice cafe, a bunch of flowers, a soak in the bath, whatever) - you need love and care as much as your LO.

We cannot all do it, that's the honest answer. And we shouldn't be expected to.

Childrearing is work. How many hours' active childrearing do you do a day- I'm guessing about 4, maybe more if your LO is an early riser.

Looking after the house is work. How many hours on the house a day- a couple minimum, I reckon.

So, that's about 14 hours a day of labour. Does that sound fair to anyone? Unions fought to restrict us to an 8 hour workday.

Sure, some single mums struggle through- there are plenty upthread, but they're not saying they're thriving, are they?

To insist that the single parent of a small child work full time (as you see so, so often on MN) is basically ingrained misogyny, and I suspect is rooted in some very old fashioned impulses that revel in punishing single mothers for existing.

I’ve asked work today for compressed hours or part time. Hopefully I will have a day off and it won’t go against me.

I also told my LO dad that I’m really struggling and I’m concerned. He said he’s concerned too but he’s busy this weekend. I told him my situation is not sustainable and I need support. He told me he doesn’t know what to suggest.😂

I know for a fact he’s not that busy. With the way he’s always busy he should be wealthy

What a cunt.

What an absolute deadbeat!
Do you have any relationship with his mum? Could you just drop your DD off there Saturday morning and tell her you're heading for a breakdown and he needs to just look after the baby until Sunday night.

Great idea. If that manager asks why, be honest and tell her that you think you'd be more productive at work if you weren't under such pressure all the time in your personal life and that the compressed hours could work out well for both of you.

Do you have to work full-time? please tell me you're renting or socially housed and can go part-time?

I'm part-time from home and it's still difficult at times.