Recently diagnosed autistic teen, impossible to set boundaries

[Artiz]

Autistic teen girl, just recently diagnosed with autism after refusing school for almost 18 months, school have been amazing with loads of accommodations, now she basically goes in for a half day or a day every now and then when she feels like it (a friends birthday, a school outing, etc) was a top student before quitting school, no academic struggles. No social problems, loads of friends, very full weekends with her mates. When she does go into school has no problems at all and enjoys it.

Up to this, the issue was school refusal, but recently it’s basically she does what she wants, piercings, tattoos, if she wants to go out or for a sleepover she just goes despite not having her parents agreement, despite them telling her she is not allowed and explaining why. Will come home and stay in bed all day, won’t see a Counsellor, stopped going to see her doctor for an ongoing health issue that needs treatment.

She is 15, an only child, how do you implement boundaries and consequences in an autistic teen, or do you just give up and let them do what they want and hope they see sense at some point ? All the strategies you find on line seem to be for setting boundaries for younger kids and not applicable to a teen.

Autistic children need boundaries, discipline & routine. Not to just be left to do whatever the hell they want. why are you allowing her to get away with murder? Are the parents actually parenting or just wanting a quiet life here?

God no you don’t give up. I’ve two autistic children, my eldest DD is twenty. She has shitty tattoos and piercings so obviously I pick my battles but she attended school daily, studied, had expectations on tasks to do at home. Knew boundaries as they were explicit never implied.

She is now a uni student and a significant chunk of her very high achievement academic college class are ND so don’t underestimate what these kids can do in many circumstances.

I would say boundaries, routine and certainty are even more required by autistic teens than NT as they often mask high anxiety and if they don’t feel an adult is in control they will take change of the house themselves.

A 15 year old doing whatever they want whenever they want raises alarm bells to me.

Parenting ND teens must be incredibly tough, but they definitely need firm boundaries that are consistently applied.

Start with what’s most important for their safety and work from there.

The parent knows she needs boundaries, but the teen refuses to abide by them. The teen doesn’t care about routine, she just does what she wants in her own time and for her convenience, constantly citing, ‘I’m autistic, you don’t understand’

This is not my child, but she is very dear to me as is her mom.

So what do the parents do when she gets back with random tattoos and disappearing acts?

If this is not your child then you are very much overstepping here. You cannot fix other adults and their relationships not even with their children. You need to step out of this.

its a close family member who is relying on me for support and is asking me what ‘she is doing wrong’ and how she can manage this, she wants my input, I am very close to her child too. There is no way I am backing off when she is struggling and wants me to help her figure out what to do.

I won’t be the one implementing the consequences,or boundaries, but giving her some suggestions based on other parents experiences.

reiterate the reasons why they didn’t want her to do it in the first place, with the piercing, try to get her to remove it (frutiless). But it seems removing electronic devices or grounding are not recommended for autistic teens, and those seem to be the only two currencies teens seem to be interested in these days. She has access to her own money, so even stopping pocket money is not an option.

How does she have access to her own money?

What are the natural consequences for the behavior?

Turn off the wifi, remove her house key, stop all financial funding…

“Removing electronic devices and grounding isn’t recommended for autistic teens”

… Did an autistic teen tell you that?!

There is a short answer and a long answer.

the short answer is it’s very hard to enforce rules on teens of any kind unless they are already reasonably compliant.

i have a child with autism and adhd who is now 24.

she dropped out of school age 16 (post GCSEs thankfully!) due to anxiety.

so, long answer:

if you have a teen who basically you have a good relationship with and who is basically enjoying school and does stuff outside school they enjoy then you can shape their behaviour to some extent.

you can say, look it’s not fair to leave all your mess around the house for me to pick up, please tidy your stuff.

a (normal) teen will grumble and be annoyed but will probably pick their stuff up.

an autistic kid may react in one of these ways:

hysterical crying in bathroom for three hours because you hate them

tidying up after themselves for three hours because they are such a bad person they let things get untidy

self harm because they can’t live up to your standards

hitting you because you don’t understand how hard it is,

yes I have experienced all of those as a reaction to asking my teen (now young adult) to tidy up.

realistically, my aim for my child became

stop the self harming - so letting virtually everything go

get her thinking about her own goals and supporting her to working towards them.

you can’t treat autistic people like non-autistic people. You’ll just get self harming and or violence towards others.

Here is the kind of thing you find when you search, or when the mom is searching on autistic parent forums. It seems to all be about positive reinforcement, which is irrelevant in this case, because she does what she wants.

“Removing electronic devices as a punishment for an autistic teen is
generally not recommended because it can be ineffective and counterproductive. It can cause more distress and may not teach the desired behavior, especially since electronics are often used for communication, self-regulation, or sensory support”

Sorry, just seen she has access to her own money. If so then they are very much just left with persuasion as presumably if they remove devices she will buy her own also data etc.

they are focusing too much on punishment and not on working with her to see what she wants and how to get there.

It’s generally recommended that autistic people are allowed to use devices to calm down as the alternative is usually them harming themselves or others.

devices are better than self harm or violence towards others.

this girl does not sound like she is violent from your description although self harming may be an issue

@Octavia64 thank you, although this is not what she wants to hear, it seems to be the common strategy from parents of autistic children, I feel so bad for both of them, but especially the mom, who is at her wits end and it just feels like ‘giving up’ and allowing the teen to get away with whatever without any consequence, and the worry of how far it can go.

She is not violent in the least. She is lovely, although now there is an element of what appears to be arrogance creeping in to her character.

Autistic people aren’t another breed OP. Screen time is linked to autism and to more severe symptoms. It sounds like autism = free rein to do whatever she wants.

How does she have her own access to funds as a child?

Is there a dad involved?

@octavia, she knows what she wants, she wants to go to university, but she doesn’t feel she needs to go to school or do exams.

on the contrary, they have not been focusing on punishing or consequences at all, and now wondering if that is the reason she doesn’t care about boundaries, and blaming themselves for being too soft on her. That is why the mom is questioning her parenting and if not implementing consequences is the reason the daughter is doing what she wants when she wants.

Dad was involved, but she has totally cut him off. Generous funds are from a grandparent who refuses to put a pause on it, even for a few years.

One very useful thing you could do is to tell the mother to ask for herself on one of the MumsNet "Special Needs" boards. For example www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_teens_and_young_adults
where there are some very experienced parents of teens with ASCs who will be pleased to discuss and advise.

Trying to help at second hand must be very difficult.

You dont give them lifts, get a blocker on the WiFi, and dont put up with the nonsense. If the tattoos are professionally done, you report them for doing the tattoos. You report them missing if they go out overnight and you think they are at risk. Go to the houses of the parents and knock the door. You can try the non-violent resistance parenting. You need support from others as it is very difficult without it.

Its hard work and relentless, but autism isnt an excuse to be a dick to your family. You explain the consequences of their choices on themselves. The impact of their choices on others around them.

You hold your nerve when they are being challenging so that they realise that other people also have feelings, wants, desires etc

My teenager is very glad I did not allow her to do the things she thought were an excellent idea at 14, 15, 16 and 17. She is now at uni, after a very turbulent teenage period. She is thriving after being unable to walk into a shop on her own, and being very distressed as a teenager.

For goodness sake, stop access to the money £10 a week maximum. And stop with this postive crap its clearly not working.

Sounds like shes using her diagnosis to do what ever she wants. Life doesn't work like that she needs parenting rules, boundaries, consequences