Recently diagnosed autistic teen, impossible to set boundaries

[Artiz]

Autistic teen girl, just recently diagnosed with autism after refusing school for almost 18 months, school have been amazing with loads of accommodations, now she basically goes in for a half day or a day every now and then when she feels like it (a friends birthday, a school outing, etc) was a top student before quitting school, no academic struggles. No social problems, loads of friends, very full weekends with her mates. When she does go into school has no problems at all and enjoys it.

Up to this, the issue was school refusal, but recently it’s basically she does what she wants, piercings, tattoos, if she wants to go out or for a sleepover she just goes despite not having her parents agreement, despite them telling her she is not allowed and explaining why. Will come home and stay in bed all day, won’t see a Counsellor, stopped going to see her doctor for an ongoing health issue that needs treatment.

She is 15, an only child, how do you implement boundaries and consequences in an autistic teen, or do you just give up and let them do what they want and hope they see sense at some point ? All the strategies you find on line seem to be for setting boundaries for younger kids and not applicable to a teen.

I have a 14 year old daughter with higher functioning autism. Had I not imposed firm boundaries and behavioural training, she would be in a lot of trouble now I suspect. She does get into arguments with her peers, or makes poor choices that are at odds with her intelligence but less so as the years advance. However, she knows she can talk to me about teenage stuff, and she also knows there are consequences to bad behaviour like the phone goes, or she cannot see her friends for a week. She goes to online school and has friends in the local community. She has a small pocket money from me. She absolutely thrives on parental expectation and a timetable of academic subjects, hobbies and social time. It makes her feel less anxious and more in control of her life to know that on Monday at 2pm, she will have X subject. It sounds like this girl you mention has had way, way, way too much freedom and autonomy for her age, and diagnosis. It all needs reigning in, even if that comes with tantrums and drama. At the most basic level, it boils down to safeguarding. Girls with autism are at risk from predatory others as they don't have so much of a filter for the intentions of other people. Mine has had it drilled into her about looking for this, because she sometimes struggles to read the room, and that poses a risk.

There have been some great bits of advice from parents of autistic teens and young adults

my tidbits

• catch and thank for good behaviour. Not praise if she responds badly to praise (it can cause pressure
• work WITH her to set smaller goals - walking to school without going in, doing one worksheet
• focus on one goal at a time
• be a problem solver not a punisher/not rewards
• Work on a strategy to get her regulated so she doesn’t NEED screens the same way and then set device limits that are generous.
• choose your battles - tattoos and curfew and piercings are a deflection
• She is loud and clear that mum and other adults around don’t understand autism. Start saying you want to learn and show it. Suggest getting loops or ear defenders or an indoor swing/hammock, sensory toys. What shall we try Ask if there is anyone on tiktok or insta who does a good hob explaining
• talk about how some activities help some people with autism - swimming, pilates (central core issues), karate, yoga, time in nature. What shall we try
• get sensory supplies out for during movies or talking - baking/kneading, knitting/crochet, kinetic sand, clay
• often with autism people don’t grow out of childhood loves but girls especially will mask that and pretend to have moved on. Do an adult version together - there are really hard, cute adult dollhouses/bakeries; puzzles with a cute aesthetic, cosplay and comic con, lego sets, get a cat or volunteer with cats…books about an interest…
• days she makes it to school come up with a no demand after school routine. Safe snacks, lots of screentime, fresh bath products if that helps (baths help me so much)
• when things are going better she’ll need help figuring out good vs bad friendships and good vs bad coping skills but that is a project a year or more down the line

Thank you all, very insightful information.

She is doing a lot of this already, she has the ear defenders, does the baking, they have animals, the school have been amazing (so far) gave her a flexible schedule to come and go as needed, but school now want to put in a timetable /routine, as she wasn’t doing the flexible attendance, i.e. you have to be here Tuesday and Thursday for example, she claims she can’t agree to this as she won’t know how she feels on any given day, so won’t agree to that (maybe that also plays into the possibility of the PDA profile?) We have a trip coming up that she really wanted to do, it was supposed to be the carrot and reward for improving her school attendance, we can’t now cancel it as it’s been paid for.

As someone else above said, she always has an answer and very hard to discuss or debate or reason with, she is always right in a way that makes you just give up in the end.

Also, to add, when it’s mentioned to her that she has all but dropped out of school and some of her friends have asked her why she just doesn’t quit, she gets offended and insulted and can’t believe anyone believes she should quit school or that she has dropped out, she appears to be in total denial.

I would take that as meaning that she doesn't want to to drop out.

I would also take seriously her statement that she can't just promise to go in because she doesn't know she will feel. She is being honest. Could you and the school present the timetable as a sort of aim or target, something that she is working towards rather than something she will achieve right now? It helps by making things a bit more predictable for her and for the school. Rather than something she has promised to do, and she must succeed at every time, right now? And then all evaluate how it is going after a few weeks? Would that make it easier for her to buy in?

Ignore the "get tough" crowd. At her age she could be doing a lot worse - she could get in with drug gangs or prostitution for money if she wants.

I knew someone with a gay son who just went out at night, up to London, to gay clubs. He would give the doormen blow jobs to let him in.

This is an incredibly tough situation for your friend to be in.

I would recommend she looks into doing a NVR parenting course (non violent resistance). It is the only approach that will help in cases like this.

Ok.

so you’ve said she is 15.

are you in England? Is she coming up to GCSEs? If so then school will be very keen to get her at least into the room for the exams so she gets some grades in something.

what have her previous results been like? Is she likely to pass maths and English?

realistically, I’d be focusing on making sure she passes those because if not she’ll have to resit and it’ll cut down her post 16 choices massively.

if she can’t make it into school they may look at sending out a tutor to do some basic maths x as nd English with her - depends if they think she’ll pass without it.

focus on one narrow goal. Maths and f Ed Alisha is goal one. If you/her parents think she’ll pass without going into school anymore then start looking at/talking to her about what she wants to study next.