Recently diagnosed autistic teen, impossible to set boundaries

[Artiz]

Autistic teen girl, just recently diagnosed with autism after refusing school for almost 18 months, school have been amazing with loads of accommodations, now she basically goes in for a half day or a day every now and then when she feels like it (a friends birthday, a school outing, etc) was a top student before quitting school, no academic struggles. No social problems, loads of friends, very full weekends with her mates. When she does go into school has no problems at all and enjoys it.

Up to this, the issue was school refusal, but recently it’s basically she does what she wants, piercings, tattoos, if she wants to go out or for a sleepover she just goes despite not having her parents agreement, despite them telling her she is not allowed and explaining why. Will come home and stay in bed all day, won’t see a Counsellor, stopped going to see her doctor for an ongoing health issue that needs treatment.

She is 15, an only child, how do you implement boundaries and consequences in an autistic teen, or do you just give up and let them do what they want and hope they see sense at some point ? All the strategies you find on line seem to be for setting boundaries for younger kids and not applicable to a teen.

Lots of asd teens burn out from a masking and holding it together at school. Mines one of them, people would say the same as you 'oh but she was fine' she wasn't and it had a hugely detrimental effect in her MH. I'd say the school setting isn't suitable.

Thank you 🙏

I feel like such a failure when people say, oh just set boundaries, without any idea of the hell that can be unleashed when you do

This doesn't totally make sense. You can't have an autism diagnosis with "No social problems, loads of friends, very full weekends with her mates. When she does go into school has no problems at all and enjoys it." so it seems like we need a lot more information on what challenges her autism actually brings in order to advise. "How to set boundaries" might be the completely wrong way to look at this. With what you've said it seems like you and the mum are so far lacking understanding of how the autism really presents and affects her. You need to start there.

Sometimes teenagers (both ND and NT) will take a non-parent more seriously if they explain the situation to them.

Could her parent ask a school counselor/careers advisor/teacher whom her DD likes to talk to her about her ambitions s to go to university and how to achieve this?
Someone other than her Mum needs to point out that she needs to study and pass her exams to do this, it won’t just magically happen.

Re. Tattoos. How is she getting them at 15?

Does the Grandparent supplying the money realize how she’s spending it?

She is very rigid and always has been, sensitive to food textures, noise stimulation, very black and white thinking, gets a bit obsessive about different fads, ocd. She has been tested twice, once an initial test for OCD, I think, and that test flagged possible autism, then a full autism test that confirmed it.

I also was very dubious about it for the very reasons you say, the fact she has a big circle of friends, and a few very close friends, plus a great social scene, no problem at school when she is there. She certainly didn’t fit the kind of profile I would have thought was the criteria.

You still can't get an autism diagnosis without some kind of social deficit or difference so she must be masking and you aren't seeing the difference. Girls can be absolute masters at this. This is important because, for example, maybe she is making decisions that prioritise her trying to fit in with a group of people at the expense of everything else and the tattoos are part of the camouflage she is trying to wear. I don't know because I don't know her or have nearly enough information, but that's the kind of way you might need to think. If she's autistic she might be pretty vulnerable to the influence of others without understanding how she could be being used or manipulated. Some autistic girls even develop special interests in other people to the point of obsession. These are all just examples but it's the type of thinking you need to apply.

The grandparents need to stop funds with immediate effect.

Mum needs to put in an extremely black and white non-negotiable bottom line I.e. no screens, outings, money unless school attendance improves dramatically.

I say this as a mother of an AUDHD (medicated) teenager and someone who works closely with EBSNA teenagers.

The mum should also get DD assessed for ADHD and investigate medication as a treatment for this constant dopamine-seeking behaviour.

Another angle would be whether her autism has a demand avoidant profile at all. The school avoidance could fit with that. In that case any perceived clamping down in autonomy which can happen when you attempt to apply boundaries could produce the exact opposite effect from what you desire - she could be motivated to assert her autonomy and equalise against the person claiming down or another proxy. It's terribly complicated. You need a deeper understanding of what is happening.

You can really see who the posters that don't actually have a child with asd here on this thread!

Throw in PDA and imposing boundaries on a ND child feels impossible at times especially without the pushback types described by @Octavia64. I don't know what to suggest for your relative but what I do know is it can feel relentless and like nothing you do works.

If I hear one more person say 'turn off the wifi' I'll scream. If I do that (and I have, and as been said it's not recommended by professionals anyway for ND) he will just lay in his bed staring at the ceiling and sleeping on and off and nothing else for days.

Maybe the school refusal is classed as a social deficit, I really don’t know, and hence her fitting the criteria, but two different assessors have said autism, despite knowing she has a good circle of friends and full social life.

I personally thought she would be diagnosed with ADHD before going for the test (I have an adhd kid) and found it hard to believe she was diagnosed with autism. I did say to the mom at one point, are you sure she didn’t just research it to death and decided that was a diagnosis she ‘chose’ and was able to meet the criteria by answering all the questions on the assesment. (She is a huge researcher

Thank you for mentioning PDA, I have googled it and I wouldn’t be surprised if that is her profile, she will say things like ‘I was going to do it until you asked me to, so now I’m not’, we put it down to her being manipulative and stubborn.

So far, there doesn’t seem to be much suggestions for consequences of behaviour that just would not be tolerated in a non-ND teen, I just don’t know how to help the mom, who is really struggling with the behaviour, particularly the school refusal, she is so bright and has such potential.

My daughter was diagnosed at 8 with ASD, I thought she had ADHD. Her ADHD type behaviour pretty much disappears when her anxiety is under control. We have had massive behavioural issues since she started school in foundation. We’ve been firm and consistent even when it didn’t appear to make any difference. We have also pursued every avenue of support including private therapy which luckily we had some inheritance savings we could use for. She’s just turned 18 and a sweet, sociable, well behaved young person. It’s taken a long time and a lot of effort to get her there. Trying all sorts of groups to find somewhere that works for her socially and from a sensory point of view. She’s just started a new college course after a disastrous first attempt last year. It’s going amazingly well.

so it’s been years of consistency, refusing to give up when things looked hopeless. Endless support but a refusal to accept her diagnosis as an excuse for bad behaviour. She fits a PDA profile but can’t get a diagnosis here.

I'm autistic/adhd and so are both my children.

I think that advise is more based towards younger children and not older teens. And from what I know it was aimed more at parents who take away electronics away for trivial reasons not for ones you have posted in your OP

I doubt she could of researched enough to fool proffesionals into thinking she was autistic. Its not just questions and the team must of spoken to school and got schools say on the matter. Maybe she has autism and adhd. If she does then it's a battle in itself as people with both crave structure and routine but also love excitement and new things

My DD was diagnosed at 9 and she quickly tried cottoning on to " I can't I'm autistic" and she did try to use autism as a way to get out of things. Boundaries and rules still have to be put I to place or they will just do what they want.

It actually stresses them out being able to do what they want and sometimes

Autism/ Adhd is genetic so one or both of your friends parents are also probably ND.

You can be autistic and also an entitled dickhead.

There's a lot of misunderstandings about what boundaries are. People think that boundaries are things one person puts in place and the second person must adhere to them. That's not right at all.

Boundaries are actually something one person puts in place with a very clear understanding of what that person's reaction will be should someone cross that boundary - with a correspoinding willingness to accept any negative feedback or commentary as a result.

I cannot force DS to be back from the gym at the time I tell him to be back. But I DO pay for his gym membership. If he cannot get back on time, then I will decide I am not willing to pay for his membership. So he can choose to be back on time, or to pay for his own membership.

Re this teen, I would suggest the parents take a good look at what really matters first, before they decide to put arbitrary boudnaries in place that they can't really enforce.

Tattoos and piercings - I'm not wild about those either. But it's her body and it's not like you cancel them once she's got them. So I'd be telling her I don't think it's a good idea, but also encouraging her to look after them, ensure they're properly cleaned etc, if she insists on going ahead.

Sleepovers - I'm not clear why these are an issue. If she likes sleepovers, and they get her out of the house doing things and meeting people, why not just agree she can go to the sleepover?

School refusal - this is tricky. I think here the consequence is less about one that is imposed by the parent, and more about one the parent has to highlight she will suffer - specifically that she says she wants to go to uni but that won't happen if she's not going to school. If she lashes out about being autistic, the parent should be i) asking the child what she thinks the parent can do to help her get back to school and ii) offering suggestions of things that might help such as counselling, a tutor, different hours etc.

Similarly, rewards can work well. ND children need more positive reinforcement because frankly, they hear such negative things all the time. If she does go to school - tell her how great you think that is. For some chidren, that might push her away so show in other ways. I've been known to "reward" DS by cooking his favourite meal so he knows I'm proud of him for doing something or trying something, or to acknowledge that I know he's had a tough time for whatever reason (he's ND).

Erm, what happened to 'the village'?

Autistic kids can have friends! Especially girls who are often much better at masking and finding ways to fit in by copying others etc. I would say she is probably struggling socially though and that is probably why she is skipping school - overwhelmed by the number of kids, exhausted from masking etc If she really enjoyed going in then she would go everyday - she's struggling one way or another.

The idea that autistic teens have to have screens to regulate is just ridiculous though. I mean if you're talking about a young child with severe autism who has no coping methods and is overwhelmed after a long day at school then maybe - but that is not your friends dd. She might not care of course if her phone is taken off her and it's very difficult to 'punish' 15 year olds into good behaviour - rewards never worked particularly well with ds either, he would cut off his nose to spite his face he was so stubborn.

I agree with your friend that she was out of depth, let her dd do whatever she likes, been way too lenient and now it is going to be very difficult to rein it all back in. I think she needs to decide her priorities and rather than try to punish her out of bad behaviour she needs to try to guide her into good behaviour.

I'd start focusing on her future and order some uni prospectuses (I know the info is online but easier to look together at a prospectus) - what does she want to do at uni? Where would she like to go? What subjects will she need to get on her course? What grades will she need and how is she going to get them? What can she do to help her application (written statement part)? Is she interested in degree apprenticeships? How is she going to make herself really competitive and stand a chance if so? Is there relevant volunteering she could do, online courses - I'd really focus in on her wanting to go to uni and that if she doesn't start sorting herself out then it's not going to happen.

How exactly does she think she's going to go to uni if she doesn't go to school or do exams? That's the angle I'd be pushing.

I do wonder if she is not just autistic.

My younger DD is autistic and also has oppositional defiant disorder.
https://eput.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/odd-information-leaflet-for-parents.pdf

So firm boundaries would not work in a million years. In fact, saying you should do this or not do that would give her a compulsion to do the exact opposite.

So saying you have to go to school….she proves she doesn’t have to
Saying you can’t lie about in bed all day….oh yes I can!
Saying don’t get a tattoo…she goes and gets several
Whats next? Drugs? Sex? Shoplifting?

Very much like this young girl.

I would take a look into this because imposing punishments and firm boundaries will just push her to derail more and more….

What we had to do with our DD is to present everything as an array of choices that she had control over. And therapy.

My DS isn't quite a teen yet but recently he thinks he can do what he wants. He has undiagnosed needs, we've been told ADHD and ASD but nobody wishes to help with a diagnosis. We recently had intensive support but what was implemented doesn't work for him majority of the time. Recently on holiday he walked out of the hotel room and proceeded to go to the water park on site. I did drill it in to him about safety around water, strangers and what if something happened and I weren't there, we met in the middle for DS to go with a different family member while I sorted out my younger children. I find meeting him in the middle helps him rather than do as I say or the use of the word no all the time as he sees it as he never gets to do this or that. I do shut him down with the word no sometimes depending on what it is but at times I get backlash.

I find using phrases like once you've done your homework you'll have more time for XYZ etc. Simple stern words nothing too long as I find he can't cope with long instructions or consequences. You can tweak these to fit your needs maybe? We do use a colour feelings system which can work sometimes or he'll just scream at us for hours or attack us, here I have a discussion with him that I can see you're in the red zone, I will leave you to calm then we can talk it through later etc.

Sorry not much of help but hopefully you can get some things that do help as I understand how frustrating it is and how things work for one but not the other. Good luck OP.

If PDA fits you could look at the At Peace Parents podcast, which has a few episodes on teens and boundaries.

How is she getting tattoo's when she's only 15?

Where's the money from?

Phone contracts?

Additional money for clothes, special items jewellery?

There's a bargaining tool.

Find what's important then use that to negotiate.

Lifts, bus money, whatever.

I have four ND children all grown now. If you use language like "impossible" it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Change the language. Change the approach. Google low demand approaches. Be a parent.

Ok.

so you can’t stop the money because it’s coming from grandparents.

realistically the best way is just to think of them as an underperforming employee who you can’t get rid of because they are the head honcho’s nephew.

so you say to them, hey I can see you want to achieve this, what do you think you need to to do get there?

I painted a blackboard on my DD’s study so we kept a written record of her aims and then I could remind her that if she wanted X she needed to do Y.

it doesn’t control behaviour in the sense you are looking for but it does give the teen a sense you are on their side and it helps you understand what they want.

you can also start to negotiate. So if you arrange to meet weekly to see how she is progressing towards her goals it starts to build that model in her mind.

it’s a long term thing.

mine was out of school for a year, tried online school and hated it (too nervous to talk) and then did a very part time course to get back into education before doing an access course and now a physics degree.

If the dm can find a parent support group for parents of similarly aged autistic dc, it can be an absolute lifeline.

There’s a running theme in the parenting groups I attend that the wheels come off with puberty and things that worked well with them when younger backfire massively as teens.

A lot of the advice for neurotypical teens is useless or worse, counterproductive. And what works for one child won’t necessarily work for another. The what and the why can be very subtly nuanced and individual.

For example, my ds is deeply oppositional which makes him formidable on the school debate team. Negotiation is a waste of time because he will wipe the floor with me, but he has a weak spot for rules. If I say “bedtime is 11o’clock” he can settle to that, but if I’m silly enough to say “bedtime is 11o’clock because …” he will not rest until he has proved me wrong, and will die defending the right to bedtime self determination. If-then propositions are like an itch on his brain - if you eat your dinner you can have dessert - but why can’t I have dessert now? But if I express it as an order of operations first- then, that’s fine. There is nothing I can leverage for negotiation - think of the temperament of a hunger striker dying for their cause and you get the idea.

Something parents of neurotypical dc rarely understand is the sheer force of will that we’re dealing with. They’re thinking of a stiff breeze and advising you to tilt your umbrella into the wind, and you’re staring down a tornado about to rip up the house by the foundations. That shared recognition in parent support groups makes an incredible difference to morale. Inevitably one or two come in each month, broken, and walk out ready for, at least one more round.

That is a brilliant description @GooseyGandalf !

Our children are often very logical and very clever so parents expect that explaining why should work. Yet so often it doesn't. I think of it as the difference between logical and reasonable. Reasonable takes into account someone else's point of view and feelings, for example. Reasonable accepts the possibiility of being mistaken, or that someone else might know something you don't.

I've seen children with ASCs present 100% logical arguments that are 100% unreasonable. And as a parent you can get dragged down insane rabbitholes when you try to explain "why", just like the worst kind of internet flame war only in real life and sometimes backed up with real life aggression.

Thank you for explaining that so well! It's really hard to explain to other parents. Sometimes I have felt guilty when I haven't tried to argue my DC out of doing something. Even though I know it doesn't work and only digs them in deeper.

@GooseyGandalf yes yes yes, I love it when parents of NT kids try to give me advice or even when they try to empathise with me because I know our worlds are literally lifetimes apart.

Nobody can understand just how rigid/stubborn/determined they can be unless experience it for themselves, especially if they're demand avoidant.