I Fucked Up - told 4YO pets don't last forever

[ifuckedup59]

Majorly fucked up today. I told my 4YO that pets don't last forever. I have no idea what possessed me - partly because I think our older cat doesn't have too much longer left and in my mind I think I was trying to prepare him, but now I feel like I'm just making him suffer twice and he will be worried/anxious about it until it happens, whenever that may be. He was so upset when he realised, then went out for the afternoon and seemed ok, and then understandably unsettled at bedtime and still isn't asleep (very unlike him). I feel like I've actually traumatised him.

What do I do?! I'm tempted to tell him that it won't necessarily happen to them (we have two cats and he keeps saying he doesn't want them to die, even though we've said it won't happen for ages). But that almost feels like the wrong to do. But I've already done the wrong thing by telling him. Fuck.

Please be gentle, I'm so annoyed at myself 😔

Ahh bless him.

I'm surprised he's got to 4 without hearing someone's cat/dog/hamster/goldfish died, or seen a dead bird or hedgehog in the street.

But kids do need to know that death is inevitable so now that you've told him, I wouldn't give him false hope that it might not happen.

Give him a few days to digest it and hopefully he'll take it in his stride until it happens.

You can't take it back and it is truthful.
He might be a bit upset, but he isn't traumatised.
Talking to little children about death in an age appropriate way is fine.

I don't think you've done the wrong thing - we have a 5 yo and she knows that nobody (pets and people) can live forever. Our kitten was sadly killed in an RTA last year and we were honest with her as we believe that's best - we told her he had passed away. We are also atheists so we don't tell her that when you die you go to heaven as we don't believe this is true.

You haven't fucked up. It's the truth.

It's bloody horrible when they do go. That's the bit you have do sensitively.

That was perfectly normal when I was growing up in the 70s/70s.

We has dogs, cats, ponies, a donkey and knew all about death as it is a perfectly natural thing.

Has it been a secret until now?

They don’t last forever 🤷‍♀️

Teaching kids about death is fine, you do need to prepare him and death shouldn’t be some scary secret.

Death is part life. You'd be wrong to avoid it. The most fucked up people I've known were protected from death too much. It's never too early. Leaving it until age 15 to see a dead fish and tha]t freaks then out? That's neglect.

There are probably some age appropriate books that can help

I mean this kindly, but I actually think the most fucked up thing is that you think you fucked up but telling him... Death is a sad but unavoidable part of life... It's a hard truth but they need to hear it. The most important thing is that you deal with it honestly and sensitively when it happens. You've done the right thing in bringing it up now.

Thanks all, you've already made me feel a bit better. DS is a sensitive soul, bless him, and I think he'll be ruminating over this for a while 😔

he sees dead spiders and other things but he's never questioned what else that happens to @JipJup. In a way I think it's best that he's heard it from us, so that if one of his friends tells them about their pet dying he already understands. It's just a huge concept for a little child to get their head around.

@MrsnothingthanksI absolutely dread the day we have to explain that people don't live forever 🤦‍♀️ sorry about your kitten.

@Danioyellow we haven't intentionally hid it from him, we just haven't been forthcoming with the information and he hasn't asked. If it came from him I wouldn't feel so bad but me saying it now just feels a bit... unnecessary?

@sittingonabeach when I took him back to bed his story of choice was the snowman and the snow dog - I had no idea the dog dies at the beginning! I have to admit I did fluff over that bit tonight 🤦‍♀️ if he doesn't settle down about it soon I will look into age appropriate books, thank you.

@FridayNightFever thank you. I do see what you mean - on one hand I rationally think it's a good idea for him to know on the other I can't believe I said that to a 4YO without him bringing it up first.

I think it's perfectly fine what you said. I do think childhood is a little too sanitised these days. Does he know that all living things die? I do think it is perfectly normal to explain this very fundamental fact. You can frame it in all sorts of ways, and soften the blow with the circle of life/afterlife or whatever you can. But really, it would be unusual for him not to experience death in some way at his age, a bug, a plant, a dead bird or a pet.

You’ve done the right thing. Children need to know that death is a natural part of life. I have always been very honest about it with mine - I’ve explained that bodies get tired, and eventually stop working, usually when animals or people are very old. We’ve had a few pets die (chickens, fish) and whilst there have been tears, there’s also been lots of conversation. My lovely nan died earlier this year after suffering with dementia. My 2 daughters (now 8 & 5) were very close to her. I was very honest when she was dying, and gently prepared them. When she died they were both very upset, but my 8 year old wanted to come to the funeral. They talk openly about death and dying, and we also talk about our lovely memories of her too.

Being sad is a normal reaction to the thought of losing a person or animal you love, and an experience we will all go through at some point.

You will never get this stuff right, or perhaps you will never feel that you get this stuff right. If your DS took this information in his stride, then you'd wonder if he'd understood it or you'd raised an emotionally cold child.

I bought a book that told me how to talk to my DC about difficult topics, like death, with suggestions of what to say at different age ranges. I was going to get it all right. DD1 found the book, aged 7, and read the whole book.

The last Mog book covers this. I haven’t read it as I would cry myself ! But might be helpful …

I thought one of the whole points of having pets when your children are little was to educate them about life, death, reproduction and so on in less traumatic way, with any luck before they have to deal with dying family members.

I had to deal with dying guinea pigs, gerbils and mice while I was in primary school, which was certainly a gentler introduction that my DC got (their father died when they were 8 and 3).

Maybe read him one of the classic children's books on the subject (Badger's Parting Gifts and Goodbye Mog are two I know of), and be prepared for a few questions which you may find uncomfortable to answer.

He had to find out some time, how were you going to shield him from death forever?

It's tricky for tonight but he will live with the knowledge and learn from it. Don't worry!

Goodbye Mog is a good book that covers this. You might cry though. Poor old Mog.

Op you haven't fucked up. Children will become aware of death sooner or later. There is a lovely book by Judith kerr called mogs goodbye which might help him understand it better x

Wait til you wake up with him leaning over you asking if you are going to die. Or if you’re dead when you’re having a nap. It’s a phase. They need to know. Dick King Smith books are good for introducing this sort of thing in a matter of fact way. Sophie is very straightforward & quite funny for you too, we had them as audio books

My God, do not get that! Its beautiful and so well done, but my now 27 year old stil says she was traumatised by it.(her dad reading it to her in floods of tears probably didn't help)

I remember realising at 5-6 that my parents would die and being really upset. Next night I was inconsolable as I realised I would die. My parents hugged me, didn’t lie, but I quickly got over it.

I wouldn’t keep going over it…. personally. It’s the truth and it does happen- that’s life but no need to have a selection of books on the subject imo.

The snowman and the snow dog
goodbye mog

both Helped mine understand when our dogs got old and eventuality passed