I Fucked Up - told 4YO pets don't last forever

[ifuckedup59]

Majorly fucked up today. I told my 4YO that pets don't last forever. I have no idea what possessed me - partly because I think our older cat doesn't have too much longer left and in my mind I think I was trying to prepare him, but now I feel like I'm just making him suffer twice and he will be worried/anxious about it until it happens, whenever that may be. He was so upset when he realised, then went out for the afternoon and seemed ok, and then understandably unsettled at bedtime and still isn't asleep (very unlike him). I feel like I've actually traumatised him.

What do I do?! I'm tempted to tell him that it won't necessarily happen to them (we have two cats and he keeps saying he doesn't want them to die, even though we've said it won't happen for ages). But that almost feels like the wrong to do. But I've already done the wrong thing by telling him. Fuck.

Please be gentle, I'm so annoyed at myself 😔

I was told around age 10 that seeing your pets die was healthy and begun to prepare you for people closer to you dying. I still remember finding my first dead pet at 6 ish and dog at 13. Neither traumatised me but they did make me sad. Probably sadder than when grandparents died when I was 15-20 ish.

I suspect our dog will outlast at least the first grandparent, but it’s not a conversation we’ve avoided with our own children. We did tell them last time we visited my brothers it was probably the last time we’d see their dog and told them when he died. They weren’t that close but liked him, it was distant enough that they get to build up their understanding slowly.

Your child is making sense of the world and has got new information to process from many angles. I’d validate his feelings of sadness rather than deny it will happen, as it will, and it will be sad, but sadly he’s likely to experience a great deal of death in his life.

I think it's better he knows the truth. It's part of life and will now come as less of a shock

I did this a while ago, was talking with my daughter about the dog, she mentioned having him when she was 16, I said, he wont be here when you're 16. Queue the crying from my son who is 7 and very sensitive. We had a good chat over it, about how pets age faster etc. Now, to be honest, I do chat about it more often, refer to the dog in his dog age years aswel. I want him to be prepared.

Apparently children don't fully understand the finality of death until a window between 5 and 7, during which time they might seem to dwell on it or be upset by it occasionally as they process (and apply it to you, and to themself). But this is normal and healthy. So if he comes back to this in a year, you also haven't screwed him up!

You must have some sort of belief system around death and perhaps it’s time to have that conversation

my DS was similar age when we had the talk about death but he definitely didn’t get the finality of it and that’s giving him an atheist telling of death!

i remember telling him a story about my grandad and he said ‘and was he dead at the time?’

it’s a big thing to understand and I remember getting very upset as a child when I realised my parents would die one day but it’s part of growing up

It's not your fault OP, he is upset by it because he is getting of an age to understand it and it would have happened anyway. My son was this age when he asked me if he would die one day and he went through a period of being very anxious and upset about it and about me and his dad dying too. It is horrible. But it's not your fault.

(And after a few days of the cat being fine I expect he will forget about it again for a while.)

Do you mean he's got to 4 and has no idea about death?
It's more of a parenting fuck up if you've missed telling him that basic fact of life until now.

Nasty and not at all true. Kids develop an awareness as they're ready. You can tell them about it younger but they may well still get upset when they develop the ability to understand it properly.

"DS is a sensitive soul, bless him, and I think he'll be ruminating over this for a while 😔"

Ruminating is ok you know. You need to ruminate to digest big information properly. I know you think you've unnecessarily dropped a clanger, and why feed a child the information when he wasn't hungry for it (to continue the metaphor).
But still. It'll be fine. Even when he has "got over it" he might revisit the thought at times, maybe sad maybe not. My six year old was cuddling up to me the other day telling me how great I was and casting about for expressions of how much she loves me she said cheerfully, "and when you die I'm going to put the beautifullest flowers on your grave" "ummm...thanks that's really sweet of you"

Is it this generation’s equivalent of Watership Down !! My parents put that on for us and went out. Totally traumatised for life !!

I've always told my kids from year dot that everybody dies some day and you don't know when.
Ds nearly died when he was three, these conversations are hard but necessary. I want them to know that gp die so if it happens suddenly it won't be out of the blue.
Everybody dies, no point sugar coating it.

This may be awkward because other children will be told about heaven and your DD will have two conflicting stories.

We had this problem and found it easier to explain to DS (autistic) than our DD.
He just accepted that we simply don't think there is a heaven. He didn't care what others thought or said.

But DD was confused, being pulled two ways.
Bit awkward.

How nice! There's always one.
Don't look for a job in diplomacy, will you?

Badger’s Parting Gifts is another good book.

Of course you haven't fucked up. You did a totally normal and age appropriate thing.

pet it's basic parenting. I doubt they cover it up when a relative dies and pretend they've just gone away somewhere.

Thank you all for your comments, even the slightly harsher ones 😅

I did read that children don't understand the finality of death until 5-7, but he asked if they come back alive. I did say no, which of course made him more upset. Then later when he asked about it again I did explain how some people believe in heaven etc. I did it without telling him what to think but that did seem to help?

I am sorry to those of you who didn't have the luxury of approaching this in your own time

He is very clever, but very sensitive so I need to tread carefully with this one as he will absolutely remember whatever I say. If one of the cats had actually died or the questions came from him then I wouldn't have felt a bad, but I feel like I've ruined his innocence a bit! I know it's the circle of life and he does need to know, but I feel like I could have waited a bit longer. However reading these responses, maybe the fuck up was allowing him to get to this point without knowing. 4 just seems so young.

I struggle with these thoughts myself, even now. It's a bit better now but I've struggled with health anxiety in the past (around me dying) and I really really don't want to pass that down to him. I think matter of fact is the way to go.

Hmmmm I’m not sure you did anything wrong with the original comment. Pets don’t last forever. My children understand our cat is elderly and because of that we love her that little bit extra, help her down from the table, provide her with a heated blanket etc etc. They also understand that when the time comes for her to pass away we will give a home to another rescue cat and love that one just as hard. Perhaps the key here is to reassure that whilst their current pet isn’t forever the opportunity to have a pet IS.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast I tried that one and got 'but I don't want another pet. I only want Cat1 & Cat2' followed by inconsolable crying!

There’s a book about lifecycles which contextualised death for my children in a ‘world order’ sort of way. Everything has a lifecycle. So we talked about plants and stars and everything. I don’t do heaven, but I overlaid this with ‘energy cannot be created or destroyed’ logic (non physicist here). We talked about how the beautiful thing about death is the energy from a life well-lived gets passed on to creatures in the soil who work to enrich it to make plants grow that produce flowers for us to enjoy and feed bees, and plants we can eat. Etc.

So … our cat died, but has moved into something bigger and feels mystical and fantastic.

The Lion King! Bambi!

The good thing about films like that is them giving the opportunity to process death safely. The bad thing is, kids who have already lost too much can get triggered.

You did the right thing. Animals die, as do people. Making up some wishy washy story about what happens to them helps nobody. There are plenty of sensitive ways to broach death with children. but for heaven's sake don't talk about 'falling asleep' or they will be terrified to go to bed.

Death is part of life - pets and humans. All you did was tell him the truth, which is the right thing to do.

Since you are so very concerned about taking to him about human mortality it might make sense for you to be thinking through how you might approach this with him when the right time arises. Do a bit of research if needs be. There are lots of children's books that touch on death.

He will be surrounded by other children whose grandparents have died. He will be absorbing the message outside of the home, but you need to be ready when he asks directly.

You have not fucked up .....

Returned to the stardust is a phrase I have used - it is true - matter continues, albeit in a different form.