I Fucked Up - told 4YO pets don't last forever

[ifuckedup59]

Majorly fucked up today. I told my 4YO that pets don't last forever. I have no idea what possessed me - partly because I think our older cat doesn't have too much longer left and in my mind I think I was trying to prepare him, but now I feel like I'm just making him suffer twice and he will be worried/anxious about it until it happens, whenever that may be. He was so upset when he realised, then went out for the afternoon and seemed ok, and then understandably unsettled at bedtime and still isn't asleep (very unlike him). I feel like I've actually traumatised him.

What do I do?! I'm tempted to tell him that it won't necessarily happen to them (we have two cats and he keeps saying he doesn't want them to die, even though we've said it won't happen for ages). But that almost feels like the wrong to do. But I've already done the wrong thing by telling him. Fuck.

Please be gentle, I'm so annoyed at myself 😔

Yes I have done the return to matter and that when you look at the night sky you can remember them but the people you love will always live on in your heart.

DS thought deeply about it and would want to discuss whereas DD just accepted it and moved on!!

I think you have done nothing wrong here at all.Children seem to be protected against lots of things now ,that maybe they wouldnt have been in the past.My Nan remembered a neighbour who died and was "laid out" in the front room,and children coming with their mums to pay their respects. Maybe thats a bit much for sure . But you need to be able to talk about death as part of life.It seems to be almost erased now.All living things ,even a brand new baby will die some day even if 100 years from now!

@Mischance @Bruisername I love the returned to the stars thing. I think he'll really respond to that as he's quite science minded and likes to know the technicalities of everything. I don't think I'll bring it up again, definitely not yet anyway, but if (/when!) he does I will refer to this. Thank you

My DS when about 10 decided he wanted to clone our dog! (About the time when Dolly the sheep was cloned ) so he would never die in the real sense of the word . I explained that we would love a new dog just as much, but in a different way .He accepted this .

I think the younger they know this, the less it worries them. It is also ok for him to feel upset about death. It is a completely normal reaction.

ExH had a procession of pets after we separated when the DC were little, but was as incompetent a pet owner as he was a husband and father so they all died. He told the DC they'd gone back to the pet shop/to live on a farm. They were upset that he'd given away his/their pets. Much better to tell kids the truth and give them some understanding of death.

I remember DD at about 4yo happily telling me that she would get all my jewellery when I was dead! Maybe introducing the idea of inheritance softens the blow?

Maybe wait a week or two before you let him watch Bambi. 👍

3 of my grandparents died (who we were very close too) when my daughter between the ages of 3- 5.5years old she’s only 6.5 years old now.
Im glad that all 3 deaths were expected as we could ‘prepare’ her. Speaking about how they were old and poorly. She had visited them in hospital prior etc as she’s a curious soul and wanted to see them and I’m a nurse so she is comfortable around carers/nurses etc. She last saw them about a week before their death at home as they were too poorly etc but I didn’t hide who I was going to visit etc.
When they died she had different reactions, she even laughed when I told her about my grandma as she felt overcome with emotions. She could see that we were sad and it’s normal to be sad. Then also that life goes on etc. We didn’t constantly bring it up and didn’t make it into a massive deal with books etc.
We believe in heaven so that is what we have discussed with her and kept it age appropriate.

Children feed off their parents and if you’re not comfortable talking about something they can sense it.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong OP. I know adults now who can’t cope with the thought of death of any kind and when discussed further it’s because they were sheltered from it.

Bless you, you haven’t fucked up. 💐

He will probably come to you with some pretty out there questions and comments so make sure you’ve settled your approach!

Agree with this.
You cannot and should not hide this from them. Hard to deal with and requires some reassurance over time but it is the truth.

Part of having pets is the fact they will die (hopefully) sooner than their owners. I actually think they are a very good way to learn.

This year I had to tell my minor children their father had died.
Unfortunately, this too happens and is part of life, imagine if I had shielded them from all knowledge of death beforehand?

We had a death in family when my oldest was 4 and I got her two books-
Paperdolls and Invisible String.
Both gorgeous books very subtly about loss and carrying loved ones in memories/ connections.

We didn’t constantly bring it up and didn’t make it into a massive deal with bloods etc.

I don't think reading them the appropriate children's books is a massive deal unless you announce that "This book is an allegory on death"!!

Books ... not bloods! ... blooming spellchecker!!

I don’t know why we shield children from the reality of death. It’s a part of life, and far less traumatizing to have a mildly upsetting, calm conversation in the abstract to introduce the idea, when you’re not trying to deal with the practicalities of an ACTUAL death (human or animal), than an actual bereavement be the first they know of it.

I think age 4 is probably quite normal for them to begin to grasp what it actually means, even if the actual finality isn’t something they can fully understand yet.

My eldest was 3.5 when we had one of our horses pts. The year before when he was 2.5 one of our other horses died (very elderly). Both times I straight up told him X has died when he asked where they were. I let him see me be sad about it. I didn’t let him see their bodies or anything like that but he was aware they had died. He wasn’t sad and seemed to accept it. Both times, he told me repeatedly “X has died” and I always confirmed, yes they have.

My dad was horrified I’d told him and said I shouldn’t have. But my mum was always very matter of fact with me when I was growing up and I don’t remember feeling shocked or having a massive moment of realisation. So I feel very strongly I owe him my full honesty even if it is difficult.

When he was 4, my Nans dog died. I was straight up again and told him the dog had died. He sees my Nan weekly, he would notice immediately if the dog wasn’t there. Again, he accepted it and wasn’t sad.

But, this time he had more questions for me. And a few days later he had clearly been thinking about it and processing it because I had questions such as “do people die?” And “will you die Mummy”. Absolutely broke my heart in two but I still tried very hard to calmly answer his questions honestly. “Yes, everything that is alive dies eventually, nothing can live forever” and “yes, eventually mummy will die but it usually happens when people are very old and their bodies don’t work anymore”.

He asked me about it repeatedly for a few days and we did have some tears at some points. I reassured him it was ok to be sad and that I would answer any questions he had. That was about a year ago now and he has occasionally brought it up since out of the blue.

I have stood firm in my approach and I have not shielded my younger children from being present during these conversations either. They were there and would have heard my explanations to him but wouldn’t have comprehended what I said. I won’t shy away when the time comes to answer their questions too.

He hasn’t yet asked me what happens after things die or if he will die. I’m sure those questions are imminent too!

I think you are right to be honest OP, even if it’s hard. It will be harder if he gets to say age 6 and then realises.

My dad died when I was four. I can remember my mother sitting down on the sofa and telling me. And that was that. Just had to get on with it. Shit happens.

Yes I think this is fine.

The advice I read about dealing with this with this age group is it can help to be much more blunt and factual than we are used to as adults. There is space for the more emotional stuff of course but majoring on that can be really confusing. We tend to hide behind it being like sleep etc which can misfire into them not really understanding and being scared to fall asleep.

Being dead means they can't ever see, feel pain or touch, hear, touch, eat, poo, wee, breathe, think, wake up again. It is sad for us but it is not painful or frightening or sad for the pet because they cannot feel any of those things. It sounds brutal but it is bizarrely reassuring when you are 4.

Oh bless him. It's a tough lesson to learn. Ds1 worked it out for himself the day he dropped a breakfast bowl and it smashed. He cried for hours and he wasn't a weepy child, but he had worked out that once somethings break, they are gone forever - and made the existential jump for himself!
I did make it easier to talk about when pets and people eventually died . . . and I don't think he was ever as sad as that day. It's amazing how their little minds process the world around them and store up knowledge for the future.

I remember when my Granny died, I was 8, my Grandad didn't drive so the regular visits to the cemetery were a family day out 🙄.

Naturally being a kid this bored me terribly and I was exploring the tiny village graveyard and came across the section for babies/young children and being horrified by it then very loudly asking all the adults why all of those children were dead 🙈, pretty much told me to shut-up😆. As an adult, now being the person who checks the family graves, I've realised those children's graves are well over 100 year old. Wish my parents had pointed that out to me 40 years ago and explained that diseases were rife back in the 'olden days'.

OP probably a good thing to plant that seed in his mind now, a few hours of concern but he'll soon be back to sticking lego up his nose without a care in the world.

Death is horrible, the most traumatic thing we have to experience but it is inevitable for everyone and everything.

It’s more that we had spoken about it, she asked questions, we didn’t keep
bringing it up and getting books etc would have brought it up again and seem as though it’s something she should worry about. I prefer discussions rather than books etc.
Similarly at the age of 3 my husband developed epilepsy. His seizures are quite violent. Even for a 30 odd year old who has cared for multiple people who have different seizures. His seizures have scared me!
Unfortunately our daughter has witnessed a few of them and has been alone with her dad. She has had to learn to ask Alexa to call me etc. We got some age appropriate resources/books from epilepsy society but tbh it just over complicated things. She understood more when we’ve spoken about what she calls ‘dads wobbly dances’.

You aren't a bad Mum at all, and definitely haven't 'traumatised' your son. You are correct pets don't live forever, the same as people don't. Children, as sad as it is, do have to learn that people and animals die. It's an unpleasant part of the cycle of life. Children don't understand the word 'die' or 'death', and the only way I could explain it to my son, was to tell him that, when 'a pet or person dies, we don't see them ever again'. We aren't particularly religious, so the pet or person going to heaven isn't a narrative we've used. I also tried to explain to my son that a pet or person may become unwell, but that doesn't always mean they will die. It is difficult for a young child to understand, and they probably don't until they have to experience it.

Why do you think you’ve fucked up? You’re being honest and that’s the best thing.

I know I shouldn't laugh but 🤣
Sorry...

Most kids at 4 get it to some extent. I work with preschoolers and every time we are having a pleasant chat about animals or pets, someone inevitably puts their hand up to tell the group that their granny's dog or neighbours cat died. They all just nod along. I usually try to steer it back to avoid afterlife / heaven questions but they are very accepting and factual. Same thing often happens when we talk about grandparents.

Op when the kids were younger we found a kitten that had been knocked down and took it to the vet. It didn’t live. I wish I’d told them before that. I think kids sometimes it’s good to know these things before they’re hit with them (because of your pet)