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Original poster

How long is acceptable to live off your parents?

76 replies

MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 11:51

Talking to a friend yesterday. We have adult children in their 40s. She has a son.

Her son lives with his girlfriend. He went to prison when he was younger although mostly keeps legal (mostly) these days. Previously, her son rented an affordable but nice flat, until his girlfriend decided they would move somewhere nicer. This coincided with their first pregnancy. Due to the massively (tripled) rent of the new house, and the girlfriend's pregnancy, in her relief that her son seemed to be settling down a bit my friend started partially funding their rent. This has now been ongoing for 3 years.

The funding of the dodgy brother (friend has 3 boys) has not gone down well with his siblings. It has in fact ruined his relationship with them. My friend is distraught about this. But can't see anyway clear to stopping the funding, because the youngest one doesn't seem to be able to get any regular work, other than zero hours contracts.

The girlfriend is supposedly an artist. But of course that means not actually working beyond very part-time. Oh, and they now have 2 children.

(I'm getting to the reason for this post! Sorry for the long windedness.)

At the weekend my friend attended an event her son was at. His girlfriend's parents were also there. My friend found out through chatting to the girlfriend's father that both of the girlfriend's parents (they're divorced) are ALSO funding her.

So in effect, this pair of 40 something adults are living off their three parents. None of these parents are wealthy. My friend is livid. She's done this out of the kindness of her heart (she's genuinely a lovely person), to the detriment of her / her sons relationship with his brothers and not knowing about the other money stream coming in. She assumes they're also claiming benefits but she didn't want to ask because her boy can be difficult.

My question really is, is this as bad as I think it is?

Also, HOW LONG is reasonable to help adult children out?

It really does make me thankful that my DC are independent. I've just taken it for granted, but I'm feeling a lot more appreciative at the moment!

OP posts:
AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 04/11/2025 12:01

On no level whatsoever is this acceptable. But I’ve no idea why she would have started supporting them in this way as fully grown adults in their late 30s (at the youngest). The pair of them are absolutely taking the piss.

The only circumstances where I would consider such support after 18 being in any way appropriate is if it was to allow full time education in something which would see them set for life afterwards (eg medical degree, legal training etc).

mbosnz · 04/11/2025 12:02

Well, I think it's pretty bad, yes. Especially given the ill will caused by her actions with her other children. She definitely needs to wake up and smell the cow pats, she may be lovely, but she needs to own her actions and their consequences.

Too late is way better than never to call time on being the bank of Mum.

They need to stop playing grown up and start being adults, and parents. They're never going to do it while they're being funded into not having to.

Holluschickie · 04/11/2025 12:02

Well, they didn't ask to be born, you know!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TheatricalLife · 04/11/2025 12:03

My uncle and aunt still take hand outs from my grandparents and they are in their 60s. Uncle works, aunt hasn't worked since she was in her 20s for no conceivable reason. They have three now adult kids who all still live at home and work. Mortgage paid off.
How they don't feel shame about it I don't know, but it's not my money 🤷‍♀️
I don't know the answer to your question really, I suppose it's dependant on so many things. I expect to be helping support DS in the long term as he is autistic.

Holluschickie · 04/11/2025 12:09

Anyway, more seriously, I will let my kids live rent free with me as long as they want.But only as long as they are studying or working. No partners under my roof though.
These two are taking the piss.

flutterby1 · 04/11/2025 12:14

How pathetic for both the receivers and their enablers

TamarindCottage · 04/11/2025 12:16

MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 11:51

Talking to a friend yesterday. We have adult children in their 40s. She has a son.

Her son lives with his girlfriend. He went to prison when he was younger although mostly keeps legal (mostly) these days. Previously, her son rented an affordable but nice flat, until his girlfriend decided they would move somewhere nicer. This coincided with their first pregnancy. Due to the massively (tripled) rent of the new house, and the girlfriend's pregnancy, in her relief that her son seemed to be settling down a bit my friend started partially funding their rent. This has now been ongoing for 3 years.

The funding of the dodgy brother (friend has 3 boys) has not gone down well with his siblings. It has in fact ruined his relationship with them. My friend is distraught about this. But can't see anyway clear to stopping the funding, because the youngest one doesn't seem to be able to get any regular work, other than zero hours contracts.

The girlfriend is supposedly an artist. But of course that means not actually working beyond very part-time. Oh, and they now have 2 children.

(I'm getting to the reason for this post! Sorry for the long windedness.)

At the weekend my friend attended an event her son was at. His girlfriend's parents were also there. My friend found out through chatting to the girlfriend's father that both of the girlfriend's parents (they're divorced) are ALSO funding her.

So in effect, this pair of 40 something adults are living off their three parents. None of these parents are wealthy. My friend is livid. She's done this out of the kindness of her heart (she's genuinely a lovely person), to the detriment of her / her sons relationship with his brothers and not knowing about the other money stream coming in. She assumes they're also claiming benefits but she didn't want to ask because her boy can be difficult.

My question really is, is this as bad as I think it is?

Also, HOW LONG is reasonable to help adult children out?

It really does make me thankful that my DC are independent. I've just taken it for granted, but I'm feeling a lot more appreciative at the moment!

I’m with you - it’s unbelievable that 40 somethings are being supported financially by their respective parents. However, I’d stay out of it as your friend might get defensive if you voice how you feel

PracticalPixie · 04/11/2025 12:17

Of course that isn't acceptable.

I know someone who is in his mid forties and lives rent free at a house his parents bought for him (but which they won't sign over to him as they know he would sell it and waste the money on travel and partying). He has had some alcohol and MH problems and I think his dad just cannot bring himself to put his foot down and demand some rent. He now never sees his kids as his ex has had enough of his drinking and he has a younger gf who also loves to party.

You'd think these were people from difficult backgrounds but these are middle class people who had every opportunity. I do not get it at that age.

Holluschickie · 04/11/2025 12:17

I would also absolutely be furious if my DC had babies they couldn't support.

SeaDragon17 · 04/11/2025 12:17

I would say mid-20s is the limit. At that point they’ve had the chance to grow up, fuck up, and sort things out again and should really be standing on their own two feet, barring any seriously mitigating circumstances.

It really does no one any favours to cotton wool grown adults away from genuine responsibility for their own lives.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/11/2025 12:18

Your friend needs to own her stupid choices and the consequences they’ve had. I’m not sure it’s her business what the moocher couple are getting from the other set of parents or in benefits. They’re seemingly irresponsible, selfish and lazy but she knew that and gave them money anyway. Instead of moaning about it now she should stop paying. It’s not complicated.

Original poster
MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 12:20

TamarindCottage · 04/11/2025 12:16

I’m with you - it’s unbelievable that 40 somethings are being supported financially by their respective parents. However, I’d stay out of it as your friend might get defensive if you voice how you feel

Show quote history

I agree. I listened and sympathised with her but didn't comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 12:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/11/2025 12:18

Your friend needs to own her stupid choices and the consequences they’ve had. I’m not sure it’s her business what the moocher couple are getting from the other set of parents or in benefits. They’re seemingly irresponsible, selfish and lazy but she knew that and gave them money anyway. Instead of moaning about it now she should stop paying. It’s not complicated.

It was her business because the girlfriend's dad opened the topic with her. They discussed it.

There has been a slight frostiness between the two sets of parents because I think they both thought they were helping while the others stood back and didn't contribute.

And I assume they all feel trapped in that situation now, because if they stop paying, 2 innocent grandchildren will end up homeless because they can't afford where they live now without the help.

OP posts:
estellacandance · 04/11/2025 12:22

He’s such a waster!

I wouldnt support a son like that.

childofthe607080s · 04/11/2025 12:26

I would help as long as needed and as much as I could
but I wouldn’t risk relationship with other children - what you give one you need to give the others

I have a feeling that if she admits she’s been taken for a ride the other children will come round

I guess they need a smaller cheaper place to live or get better jobs

flutterby1 · 04/11/2025 12:28

MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 12:20

I agree. I listened and sympathised with her but didn't comment.

Show quote history

What sort of friendship it it if you can’t diplomatically express your opinion and maybe offer advice ?

FrenchandSaunders · 04/11/2025 12:30

We help out our adult DCs a lot, as we are in a very fortunate position and I don't think it's particularly easy for young people these days with the cost of everything.

However, they both work very hard, I'd be reluctant to do this if they didn't! And I also treat them equally, you can't do something for one child and not the others.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/11/2025 12:31

She needs to adjust her will so the other two boys inherit more when she passes away. And make this crystal clear to them.

Original poster
MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 12:33

FrenchandSaunders · 04/11/2025 12:30

We help out our adult DCs a lot, as we are in a very fortunate position and I don't think it's particularly easy for young people these days with the cost of everything.

However, they both work very hard, I'd be reluctant to do this if they didn't! And I also treat them equally, you can't do something for one child and not the others.

These aren't young people though. They're 40s. Approaching middle aged. As another poster said, mid-20s, sure. 40+ though, if they can't cope by then, they never will.

OP posts:
ArtSandwich · 04/11/2025 12:33

I had a small allowance from my parents until I was married.

Palmtreebreeze · 04/11/2025 12:33

Your friend is funding a waste of space to the detriment of her other children. She should be ashamed of herself but in time she will reep the consequences of her actions.

Can the other children have a meeting with her and 'gently' explain how unfair and detriental her behaviour is. If she then refuses to address the issue they should go no contact

Jugjug · 04/11/2025 12:33

however long the parents are willing to fund them. Their family their business. I say this as someone who moved out at 16 and hasn’t been funded at all

Original poster
MiserableMrsMopp · 04/11/2025 12:34

flutterby1 · 04/11/2025 12:28

What sort of friendship it it if you can’t diplomatically express your opinion and maybe offer advice ?

Show quote history

It's really never appropriate to criticise someone else's children though. That sort of thing can end a friendship.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 04/11/2025 12:35

She needs to put in place an exit strategy. Off ramp, start reducing payments with the intention of 0 within a certain period of time.

Her other sons should inherit more, as this guy has received his inheritance during her lifetime.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/11/2025 12:36

I think as a rule if your child does not have a disability of some sort then once through FT education parents should start cutting the cord. That said, I would have an adult child at home through mid 20s if I could see a clear and aggressive savings plan was in place to get to independence either through self funded career training eg masters / saving for a deposit and they behaved properly at home treating that opportunity with respect and doing their fair share.