How long is acceptable to live off your parents?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Talking to a friend yesterday. We have adult children in their 40s. She has a son.

Her son lives with his girlfriend. He went to prison when he was younger although mostly keeps legal (mostly) these days. Previously, her son rented an affordable but nice flat, until his girlfriend decided they would move somewhere nicer. This coincided with their first pregnancy. Due to the massively (tripled) rent of the new house, and the girlfriend's pregnancy, in her relief that her son seemed to be settling down a bit my friend started partially funding their rent. This has now been ongoing for 3 years.

The funding of the dodgy brother (friend has 3 boys) has not gone down well with his siblings. It has in fact ruined his relationship with them. My friend is distraught about this. But can't see anyway clear to stopping the funding, because the youngest one doesn't seem to be able to get any regular work, other than zero hours contracts.

The girlfriend is supposedly an artist. But of course that means not actually working beyond very part-time. Oh, and they now have 2 children.

(I'm getting to the reason for this post! Sorry for the long windedness.)

At the weekend my friend attended an event her son was at. His girlfriend's parents were also there. My friend found out through chatting to the girlfriend's father that both of the girlfriend's parents (they're divorced) are ALSO funding her.

So in effect, this pair of 40 something adults are living off their three parents. None of these parents are wealthy. My friend is livid. She's done this out of the kindness of her heart (she's genuinely a lovely person), to the detriment of her / her sons relationship with his brothers and not knowing about the other money stream coming in. She assumes they're also claiming benefits but she didn't want to ask because her boy can be difficult.

My question really is, is this as bad as I think it is?

Also, HOW LONG is reasonable to help adult children out?

It really does make me thankful that my DC are independent. I've just taken it for granted, but I'm feeling a lot more appreciative at the moment!

It's elder abuse.

Not directly criticising her son but her choice of ‘support’ which is inadvertently causing reliance

I don't think there's any "how long is it reasonable", it's whether everyone in the family is pulling their weight and is playing fair.

No way would I let one of my kids have special favours over the others, not in a million years.

Health or medical is the only reason for special consideration among siblings and even then provided the health condition isn't due to lifestyle choices.

We still help our adult children financially and will as long as we are able to. One is 40 the other 38.
We don't have expensive tastes or go on expensive holidays and would rather give them money now when they need it than have them what until we have died.
We received no financial help from our families as they were not in a position to help us. But we are and if we can make our children's lives a bit easier we will.

I do see a lot of posts by posters who think their grasping parents are hoarding wealth. It makes me wonder.

I have asked my mum to give any inheritance to grandchildren. I don't want or need it.

The upper classes and umc tend to support their dc for life.

Yes the son's girlfriend is posting now justifying how she can extract more money from the parents.

Couple of total scroungers. There’s helping your children financially (like helping with the initial rental deposit, or buying some furniture to get them set up) but giving them money every single month when they don’t work or have a very good reason for not full time work is bonkers. Especially if other siblings aren’t getting the same handouts. Why are they living a lifestyle so beyond their means, and worse yet, why do they think they deserve to live a lifestyle so beyond their means?
The couple are wasters and scroungers, but I’m sorry to say your friend is also a sub-par mother. Not only has she alienated her other children by showing clear favoritism, she has enabled her son to become a useless man-child. How long did she think this would go on? One day she won’t be around to keep giving him handouts. What will he do then? He’s got no idea how to actually be an adult because of her constant enabling.
She needs to fix her upside down family. If scrounging son kicks off then so be it. He’s had enough from her over the years. He’ll either start to grow up, or come crawling back (with his palm open…) when he realises how hard it is for everyone else to be functioning members of society... Or…. he’ll turn to crime again, but that is not on anyone but him.

It’s too individual to say. Ds at 21 is fully launched (ie living elsewhere, full time job, paying rent, saving as far as I know, hasn’t requested a penny since the start of his third year at uni) but if he needed it then for sure I’d help him. Not like this though; paying running costs is not a good idea unless it’s something with a known end date like a course or even childcare, or at a pinch I suppose if there is a serious long term issue - if God forbid ds became disabled and having a flat somewhere near his work meant he could keep his job, for example? And though he doesn’t have siblings, fairness is not always about exactly the same amount of money.

I guess to me, he’s my son forever and I’d never say the bank of Mum is permanently shut. But it isn’t a bottomless pit or an easy mark either.

Pretty awful and very greedy of them too as it's highly likely they are getting a lot of money in benefits too.

Couple of total scroungers. There’s helping your children financially (like helping with the initial rental deposit, or buying some furniture to get them set up) but giving them money every single month

What's the difference? I know loads of people who had 6 figures gifts for housing deposits. Why is it different if it's spread over months & years?

I don't think there is a set age...and while that particular couple are obviously piss takers find it a bit hypocritical the extent to which some people deride anyone getting any financial support from their parents as pathetic, indicating a lack of independence, etc - but often happily accepting free childcare/school fees etc from grandparents thus saving them a fortune, or looking forward to an inheritance, not to mention "bank of mum and dad" for house deposits.

Basically I think that if parents want and are able without negatively affecting their own circumstances to help out their children in any way, practical, emotional, financial, there doesn't need to be any random cut-off age just to meet societies view of what constitutes "proper" independence or adulthood.

But they shouldn't feel obliged, and of course it should be fair to all siblings (within reason). I dont blame your friends' other dc for being annoyed with both him and her, and she might have created a rod for her own back as I doubt the son who has been subsidised will be stepping up to help her when she needs it as she ages.

Why are they living a lifestyle so beyond their means, and worse yet, why do they think they deserve to live a lifestyle so beyond their means?

I agree. I forgot. Friend was aghast that they have a cleaner. Friend doesn't even have a cleaner herself! I'd forgotten that.

All of this for an almost middle-aged couple, neither of whom work full-time, one of whom has been in jail. Middle class lifestyle, funded by their elderly parents. The mind boggles really.

I've told our DC I will support through a Masters degree (on top of them getting loans), then it ends.

Reality is I would continue at a lower level beyond that time IF 1) I can still afford it and 2) I feel they are doing everything they can themselves to become self sufficient.

it a bit hypocritical the extent to which some people deride anyone getting any financial support from their parents as pathetic, indicating a lack of independence, etc - but often happily accepting free childcare/school fees etc from grandparents thus saving them a fortune, or looking forward to an inheritance, not to mention "bank of mum and dad" for house deposits.

exactly

My DH and I are lucky enough to have quite a lot of money (compared to most) both inherited and earned. Consequently my DD is welcome to live with us, rent free, for the rest of her life if she needs to. I don’t see the point in having money if you don’t use it to help your children and it costs very little extra to have someone stay in your house. BUT, I would only help her with rent of a separate place or others costs if I could see she was doing her best, e.g. working hard in a career which doesn’t pay well.

A big part of this is seeing the impact such cosseting has had on my DH’s sister. His family is very wealthy and they bought her a house and pay her costs and that of her kids. She is utterly miserable because she has never amounted to anything. In her 40s, she had one job that lasted 3 months, about 10 years ago. That’s it. She lacks direction and drive and frankly, it has ruined her. There are other members of his wider family in similar situations. Watching it unfold over the last 20 years has made me realise that you do no favours giving your children lots of money but not instilling in them any ambition or work ethic.

My MiL is lovely, but I intend to raise my DD in entirely the opposite way she raised her DD. I can tell that she thinks I can be a bit strict about homework and instrument practice etc, but I’d rather that my DD got a bit grumpy with me sometimes, than grow up thinking slacking off is fine.

I feel sorry for your friend. I am sure she is a nice person and was and is trying to do the right thing. I think she has got it wrong though, and it must be awful coming to terms with that and trying to find a way forward, especially as it will affect her grandchildren.

Well I suppose the difference is that, when my mum very generously gave me £20k towards a house deposit, it went into buying a home / asset which I then had to work hard to continue to pay for.

If she would have just given me X amount of money each month to help pay my rent and bills whilst I was doing fuck all, I would never have got on the property ladder and probably would never have had any incentive to work!

For me, ultimately is about what you've said @Hatscarfgloves. What will they do when their parents are no longer here? There is no guarantee of inheritance. If any of the parents go into homes, it'll eat up any wealth. Even if they do inherit, given the way they live with little income, what they do get will be frittered away with no way to replace it because they barely work.

I'd hate to see my DC in the position where I know that after I'm gone they can't comfortably survive without me. I tried to suggest this to my friend but she just said, they'll get 1/3 of the house and whatever I leave. But that isn't guaranteed (as above).

I think it is quite tough these days to decide how much to help, given the job market.
My parents gave me lots of love and affection but not one penny and no childcare ( because they were far away at the time)I didn't expect it.
But things so different now. One of mine is in a high earning profession, the other not. Not sure how I treat them the same.

Learning to budget, live within your means, have savings if you need them, are seen as incredibly critical life skills in our family because the thinking is 'you need to be able to cope if that extra help got taken away suddenly' and we are all financially responsible because of it, but have also had help!

In other families, I see financially irresponsible people making very, very obviously silly decisions (like low earners going to the top of their mortgage affordability, people having extra children when they are already in financial difficulty, people spending every penny they get on fun stuff then having no savings if they lose their job) get helped out with money because 'they need it because they got into trouble'
Not everyone is financially savvy, but 'prepare for things going wrong' is an absolute basic in our family, noone can pretend they have no awareness of it.

So with us, its the opposite - if you make financially silly decisions, people are there with advice/shoulder to cry on (and its never pushed on people, that would be considered rude) but wouldnt give a handout because that would be considered irresponsible, to effectively reward reckless behaviour when others have made more sensible choices. Whereas if you are generally financially responsible, people want to give gifts. So for example, a family member got pregnant young and living at home, but between them and their partner over the course of years they moved into a rental, then saved for a house deposit, then when the time came to buy, the parents doubled it. Making good decisions and working hard is rewarded.

It wouldnt work in every family though....

There is no limit and dont be so nosy!

Well, it's not a great situation for anyone involved, is it? But to a large degree, this is - and continues to be - a problem of your friend's own making. Instead of telling her son to continue to live within his means, she facilitated the move to an expensive property she knew neither her son nor girlfriend could afford and, realistically, never would be able to afford on their own. She now continues to subsidise their rent, at the cost of wider family relationships and, potentially, her own financial security. She could just tell them she's not paying anymore and they'll have to cut their cloth accordingly. They're adults. They should be able to figure out how to rent and move to an affordable property. There's no need for the grandchildren to be homeless; just housed in a flat their parents can actuallly afford to pay for.

find it a bit hypocritical the extent to which some people deride anyone getting any financial support from their parents as pathetic, indicating a lack of independence, etc - but often happily accepting free childcare/school fees etc from grandparents thus saving them a fortune, or looking forward to an inheritance, not to mention "bank of mum and dad" for house deposits.

had none of those things and moved out at 17…….

I didn't either.

We have just paid our dds last rent.
She has finished her masters degree and really struggled to study and work. Her maintainence loan didn't cover her living expenses. Food or shelter was her choices.
She was working as often as she could, but she was studying maths. Since she attained a first in bachelors degree, she set herself the goal of another.
She managed it