How long is acceptable to live off your parents?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Talking to a friend yesterday. We have adult children in their 40s. She has a son.

Her son lives with his girlfriend. He went to prison when he was younger although mostly keeps legal (mostly) these days. Previously, her son rented an affordable but nice flat, until his girlfriend decided they would move somewhere nicer. This coincided with their first pregnancy. Due to the massively (tripled) rent of the new house, and the girlfriend's pregnancy, in her relief that her son seemed to be settling down a bit my friend started partially funding their rent. This has now been ongoing for 3 years.

The funding of the dodgy brother (friend has 3 boys) has not gone down well with his siblings. It has in fact ruined his relationship with them. My friend is distraught about this. But can't see anyway clear to stopping the funding, because the youngest one doesn't seem to be able to get any regular work, other than zero hours contracts.

The girlfriend is supposedly an artist. But of course that means not actually working beyond very part-time. Oh, and they now have 2 children.

(I'm getting to the reason for this post! Sorry for the long windedness.)

At the weekend my friend attended an event her son was at. His girlfriend's parents were also there. My friend found out through chatting to the girlfriend's father that both of the girlfriend's parents (they're divorced) are ALSO funding her.

So in effect, this pair of 40 something adults are living off their three parents. None of these parents are wealthy. My friend is livid. She's done this out of the kindness of her heart (she's genuinely a lovely person), to the detriment of her / her sons relationship with his brothers and not knowing about the other money stream coming in. She assumes they're also claiming benefits but she didn't want to ask because her boy can be difficult.

My question really is, is this as bad as I think it is?

Also, HOW LONG is reasonable to help adult children out?

It really does make me thankful that my DC are independent. I've just taken it for granted, but I'm feeling a lot more appreciative at the moment!

Well done to your DD. You must be so proud of her!

I would do exactly the same for mine re: rent in those circumstances. That is what I meant in my rather long winded post above about supporting your children when you can see they are trying their best. It’s supporting them when they are not, which does them no favours in the long term.

I think offspring should be fully self supporting by 25, unless they are undergoing an exceptionally prolonged education. Treating them occasionally is fine, paying their daily living costs is infantilising them.

had none of those things and moved out at 17…….

but plenty of people do & they tend to do better in life than dc who have no help.....

@Starlight1984 but what about for dc who do work. What's the difference between giving money for a deposit vs monthly costs? I thought it was clear my point was wider than the OP...

I totally see why the siblings fell out. She sounds like a very foolish person, of course they would be annoyed. My sister is a good (law abiding!) person but terrible at handling money, for many years she claimed poor mouth because she has the most insane spending habits and lived outside her means. Parents bailed her out twice that I know of. She inherited money, enough for a house deposit but frittered it away and doesnt really remember what she spent it on. Lucky for her she met a wealthy man just as the fund ran out so now spends his money. I was always told it was none of my business, and I guess it isn't. However it makes me angry sometimes when I think back on it. I worked my ass off as a student during summers to earn my rent for the next year, but sis on her Summer was too tired / busy to get a job so parents subsidised and then paid her rent when she came home with zero money. As adults we were both bridesmaids to a family destination wedding so I saved all year and had to make that my summer holiday as it was expensive, sis went on a insanely expensive holiday that year (8k) then claimed to not be able to afford the wedding so my parents paid for all her flights and accommodation. Although we dont talk about it, it creates tension and i wouldn't be surprised if my parents leave everything to her because she still claims to be 'broke' although her lifestyle is like the royals. You honestly wouldn't believe some of it. As for OPs friend, this woman created a rift between her kids and that is one of the worst things a parent can do. I'd find it very hard to respect her now.

I think 23 or 24 is enough but it should be a gradual process. Like maybe paying 20% rent for a while until first proper paycheck is up and running. I think I'd also pay for dinners out maybe even a holiday or weekend away but not ever supplement a lifestyle. If education takes longer then a few more years is OK. I would also consider supplementing childcare costs or a house deposit in their 30s but I'd have to be sure they were responsible with their money first.

A lot of people won't work if somebody will pay them not to. I think that you all need to cut the funding and they need to get jobs and find somewhere cheaper to live - and cancel the cleaner...

they chose to have 2 kids despite not having full time jobs, the children are the innocent victims among all this, but the gravy train has to stop

My parents give me some financial support - I have autism and cannot work full-time.

I don't strictly need it, DH and I can support ourselves, but it's very much appreciated and helps pay for my therapy and some sensory support.

I think you can support / help them for as long as you like but it is incredibly ill advised to support one in a way you are unable to support all of them (if you have multiple children) unless there are some extenuating circumstances like a disability of some sort.

I think it's tricky. The cost of living is high and wages are lower and it's understandable that parents don't want their kids to struggle in ways that they didn't have to. I get where this is coming from.

What's concerning about this situation is that it doesn't sound very sustainable.

I think it’s hard for a lot of parents not to rush in and throw cash at solving the problem, it’s so hard not to. Doesn’t help your kids to take responsibility for themselves - and maybe that’s part of it, keep them reliant on you keeps them closer.

Yes, great point. I CAN see how this is playing out in this situation.

Or, on the other hand, your mother was very privileged to be in a position to have £20k spare to give you in the first place.

And in turn has passed that privilege onto you -if that £20k was the difference between being able to buy or not it likely has added up to hundreds of thousands of pounds compared to someone who has had to rent privately over that time.

Bit unnecessary to judge a parent who hadn't got such a big amount of savings but tries to help their child out with money as and when they have it -because they know that unlike you with your hopefully mortgage free house in the foreseeable future, their dc will be struggling to pay constantly increasing rent for the rest of their life.

It’s not acceptable realistically, I mean borrowing £20-100 here and there and repaying is ok at the age of 40 but haven’t your parents bank roll your rent because you don’t want to get a proper job is unreal.

And? You're not the only person in the world or even on this thread. I wasn't addressing you specifically. There are several posters who received money/help from their parents in slightly different circumstances but seem to think that's completely different and acceptable, that's my point.

It's not indicative of a pleasant character to live life on the basis that if you didn't experience/benefit from something then nobody else should either.

There's no.point yoyr friend looking backwards, she just needs to gi e him notice that from x (three months notice), she won't be funding him/them any more. I would also put something in my will, so things get evened out when I die, so brothers get what he's already had as a starting point.

Not acceptable at all.

It sounds like she has enabled their lackadaisical sometimes illegal activity lifestyle. As have the other parents. Not surprised siblings are furious.
She could focus on withdrawing the support, and reflecting the support provided so far in any future provision for all her children (inheritance). Oh. And focus her support on other children.

He's a shit and she's massively messed up by supporting the son who's been in prison and still has illegal tendencies.

This is entirely on your friend, she clearly has no boundaries or consideration of consequences and would rather fund her son's life than teach him a lesson. I hope all parents stop funding these grown adults and let them get off their backsides and get jobs.

She is an enabler. She is doing it out of love , fear or guilt . It’s not the same as helping . She needs to stop this nonsense and get them to stand on their own two feet . obviously, her parents were pissed off to have to mention it in the first place as well. They are leeching.

It’s gobsmacking that she continues to fund her dodgy son when she knows the effect on her other children. Is part of the reason that she thinks that grifting like this isn’t illegal so easy to overlook considering his past behaviour? Everybody would like to live in a fancy flat but they don’t fully fund it from parents and benefits in their 40s!! And she’s planning to give him a third inheritance - madness.

Is she using the excuse that cutting off the money will lead to not seeing the grandkids?

Are the siblings being unreasonable- it’s your friend’s money and she can spend it however she chooses. Do the siblings think they should have a claim on their mother’s money too? This kind of stuff goes on a lot in families and it’s not just about money, it’s about time and attention too. Families can be incredibly dysfunctional and the siblings here are probably as grabby as their lazy brother. Adult children seem to have different expectations now - expecting their parents to support them for life - no responsibility for bad decisions, it’s a whole new level of entitlement. Or maybe it’s just MN.

The more I hear the more I think there might be something else behind the setup indulging one child. Could he have a different father to his siblings?

Your friend is between a rock and a hard place, I can see how this situation came about but really they should not have moved from the flat to a house they can't afford.
Can they apply for housing association / council house if they have DC and incomes, are low?
I think the welfare of the grandchildren is the most important factor here but really the DS and his GF are taking the piss but on the positive side at least the other parents are also contributing so not all falling on your friend.
I don't think it's acceptable to expect parents to fund rent long term.

However my dsis is in her 50s and never left home so has pretty much lived off my parents all her life, paying a very small contribution to housekeeping.
Dad has died, Mum is now very ill and she's had to step up as a carer which she is bitter about but doesn't want mums savings uses for carers and is clearly worried about what will happen when mum dies.
Which I anticipate as being a sh*tshow

I have 4 young adult DC and completely understand the desire to do anything you can to help your DC but kindness can sometimes backfire

I agree re the house but I think she was just so pleased he was taking normal life steps she didn't think forward to how it would pan out. And the GF seems to be the driving force, rather than friends son who is not... driven, should we say.

I kind of gathered that the GF thinks social housing is beneath them. The irony! Although of course, social housing is mostly not available anymore. Although with children, maybe there would be more of a chance.

It's a difficult situation with your sister. I guess she's now reaping what she's sowed. I hope she doesn't take it out on your mum.

Early last year, I was helping a woman in her late fifties with some paperwork. It transpired that when she and her husband needed money (seemed to be on a fairly regular basis), she just asked her 90 year old mother to bail them out! Up until I met her, they had both been working full-time (above minimum wage) and were mortgage-free. I just couldn't get my head around this situation at all. In an emergency, maybe, but not as a lifestyle choice.

We have just paid our dds last rent.
She has finished her masters degree and really struggled to study and work. Her maintainence loan didn't cover her living expenses. Food or shelter was her choices.
She was working as often as she could, but she was studying maths. Since she attained a first in bachelors degree, she set herself the goal of another.
She managed it