Is this normal pre teen behaviour?

[Momofteengirl]

Name changed but long time member. Struggling majorly with my 12 year old dd. I need advice.
Backstory, she was bullied in her previous school. It was dealt with by the school but dd was traumatised seeing those girls in her class every day so I moved her last year.
She's in a new school now and is just not making friends. We are still in primary here, we are not in the UK. Secondary next year when she's 13. She says she doesn't like anyone. There is an issue with every child she encounters. There are a big group of popular/ mean girls in her class, who all get into trouble a lot. Then what is left all have their own friends. She has made friends but then they say a mean thing and dd decides she no longer likes them. Most of the girls in her school just generally seem to be mean spirited, comments are always nasty or put-downs.
She has friends at home from when she was younger that she, for various different reasons, doesn't get to see very often. But when she is with these friends, or with close family, she is loud outgoing and very very funny and kind. But in general she is very shy quiet and reserved until she feels very secure. So people don't get to see the real her.
I have her enrolled in lots of activities and she has tentative friendships, but again there will be some issue why she can't be proper friends with them. She in general just finds people annoying!
Also, is it normal as a mum to be living this with her? I'm losing sleep for worrying about her and I feel every sadness she feels. I'm literally going crazy with worry.
Any advice at all I would be so grateful. I have a 20 year old ds who sailed through his teens so I feel completely new to all this.

If she finds everyone annoying then it's no surprise she hasn't many close friends. You allege the girls at school are mean spirited but I'd say it has to at last be a two way street.
Could she see a counsellor maybe? I'm presuming ADHD/ND have been ruled out?

It's hard changing schools. I didn't have any real friends in the comp I moved to at 14. Just a few misfits who I had nothing in common with who didn't have many other friends. I did find plenty of friends outside of school though so maybe that's the way forward.

So she’s had relationship issues at school throughout?

Most of the girls in her school just generally seem to be mean spirited, comments are always nasty or put-downs.

and this is her version?

She in general just finds people annoying!

well it’s inevitable she’s struggling and sadly will do for the rest of her life with this kind of mentality

Thank you both. @DiscoBob this is what I'm getting at, she finds everyone annoying, or something about them annoys her or they say something she decides is mean, so they are ruled out. Is this normal? Or is there something else?
@Overdonecabbage this is her version mostly but I have seen it to some extent myself, girls she doesn't know well don't seem to like her. Why? What could she be doing wrong?
She is generally good fun, and I say that not just as her mum because I'm constantly soul searching and watching her with established friends and I cant really see any huge issue.

@Overdonecabbage this is her mentality! Is it her age? Is it trauma? Is this just her personality that I must accept? If she was happy it would be a different story but all she wants is friends. My heart is breaking for her.

Op it’s very clear that if someone finds people annoying - they aren’t going to be popular.

It’s the fact your child finds people
annoying! Who wants to be friends with someone who seems irritated by the very existence of “people”

She tries so hard to be friendly, she smiles etc, tries to strike up conversations. I can't figure out what advice to give her. She doesn't find everyone annoying, but she finds them mean. If I suggest she may be doing something to cause them to act this way she gets very upset, and tbh I feel like I'm attacking her personality and asking her to ignore all her instincts. I just am so lost and powerless and don't have a clue how to help her.

To easily find fault with everyone you meet to the point you don't want to be friends with them, I wouldn't say that's exactly 'normal'. Has she always been this way? Everything ok at home?

I remember being a bit bitchy and moany about my friends, sometimes to other friends or behind their backs when I was a young teen. But I still wanted them as friends and wouldn't have wanted to hurt them or put them off me.

You are utterly backtracking here

You said she finds people annoying

Exactly

So people don't get to see the real her.

the real her generally finds people annoying and will pick fault in people.

It sounds as though her experience of bullying at her previous school has really affected her. And that she is basically putting up barriers to getting to know the girls in her new school because she is wary. And at any hint that they are not nice she is deciding it's safer to put them in the category of " enemy" rather than friend.
It sounds like she might need professional help to get her past the bullying experience.

@Overdonecabbage I genuinely don't mean to backtrack, more clarify that the issue is not only that she finds people annoying, but it is definitely one of her issues.
@DiscoBob I'm only noticing this since she moved schools but she was always shy. No issues at home at all, why do you ask?

@Gottocopebymyself yes this does seem likely, but she flat out refuses to go to counselling. The counsellor said forcing her may be counter productive.

Op if someone “generally finds people annoying” it will be the core reason why they are struggling socially.

She needs to learn that you can like someone without having to agree with everything they say - even the best of friends have different opinions. Being a friend means accepting people as they are, and enjoying them, not wanting them to change to suit you.

I used to have a friend, many years ago, who found fault with everyone around her - she could never accept any of the 'falling outs' were her fault. Eventually it was my turn, I was the last of her friends.

So I get where you're coming from. But actually I find the opposite is true, in established relationships she is very generous and tolerant. Obviously I'm her mum and will always be biased but I've been studying her behaviour for a while. I'm very willing to accept its something in her attitude that's stopping her making friends, this annoying thing is definitely hindering her.

@Wishimaywishimight so you're onto something there. There is an element of her not accepting that her attitude is wrong or that she may be in the wrong in scenarios. But she is also her own worst critic so I find it difficult to advise her.

This age (11 to 14) is notoriously tough. Of course she will be wary of other girls if she has been badly bullied. Not surprised she is struggling

Is she mainly trying to make friends within a small class? That was my situation at secondary school - twelve other girls, and only two of them were very nice and they already had a group of friends that were not accepting newcomers like me. I probably didn’t do myself any favours. I didn’t make good friends until classes started to be mixed up for new subject options, age 14/15. I relied on friendships out of school, joined clubs at lunchtime to pass time, and generally felt quite lonely at school- not fun.

I think you need to let her sort it out herself and be there to listen and only point her in the right direction. However if she is getting very depressed then step in.

@NotDelia this does sound like her. It is a small class who have been in school together since they were 5 and have established friendships. In saying that, new girls have started after her who have made friends. She just says nobody is suitable, she doesn't like any of them for various different reasons. Is she just unlikeable? I literally cannot cope with that thought without my heart breaking.

What established relationships does she have with someone who is not her relative and the same age as her?

@Overdonecabbage I said upthread she does have some friends from around home but she doesn't get to see them much anymore for various reasons. But I take your point that she doesn't have a lot. Also, these friends are friends since they were very young. She has friends from another class in her new school but has recently decided they are not very nice. I think they may actually be being 'mean' to her, but it may be them defending themselves or saying something nasty because she has said something nasty first, I just don't know.

@Momofteengirl i think this is a reaction to the bullying

you say she’s great with people she knows and trusts, the “annoying” comments to me sound like she’s trying to protect herself from potential abuse by others

has she had any counselling?

No, she refuses, and the counsellor said to force her would be counter productive.