Is this normal pre teen behaviour?

[Momofteengirl]

Name changed but long time member. Struggling majorly with my 12 year old dd. I need advice.
Backstory, she was bullied in her previous school. It was dealt with by the school but dd was traumatised seeing those girls in her class every day so I moved her last year.
She's in a new school now and is just not making friends. We are still in primary here, we are not in the UK. Secondary next year when she's 13. She says she doesn't like anyone. There is an issue with every child she encounters. There are a big group of popular/ mean girls in her class, who all get into trouble a lot. Then what is left all have their own friends. She has made friends but then they say a mean thing and dd decides she no longer likes them. Most of the girls in her school just generally seem to be mean spirited, comments are always nasty or put-downs.
She has friends at home from when she was younger that she, for various different reasons, doesn't get to see very often. But when she is with these friends, or with close family, she is loud outgoing and very very funny and kind. But in general she is very shy quiet and reserved until she feels very secure. So people don't get to see the real her.
I have her enrolled in lots of activities and she has tentative friendships, but again there will be some issue why she can't be proper friends with them. She in general just finds people annoying!
Also, is it normal as a mum to be living this with her? I'm losing sleep for worrying about her and I feel every sadness she feels. I'm literally going crazy with worry.
Any advice at all I would be so grateful. I have a 20 year old ds who sailed through his teens so I feel completely new to all this.

Hmm what has the screening she has had actually covered?

My DS has an ASD (and ADHD) diagnosis and he didn't really tick any of the boxes in the standard pre-screening questionnaires but through a full diagnostic assessment they picked up on a lot more subtle behaviours. It's really obvious to me he has ASD now I have better understanding and particularly the inter-relationship of ADHD and ASD.

Oh @Momofteengirl I could have written every single one of your posts myself.
My DD is 12 and having exactly the same issues. It’s getting worse and worse and I am losing sleep over how to help. I’ve requested a form change-even if they do allow it (I’ll have to fight for it) I’m terrified of the same thing happening.
My daughter interprets EVERYTHING as mean. And actually, quite a lot of the time, it is. The girls in her year are especially…..dramatic?? But I know that my DD is at fault with some of her reactions.
I actually sat her down yesterday and had a talk with her about being mistress of her own destiny. I can see it all happening like a slow motion car crash.
I’m trying to work out (I’m on my phone) how to DM you

@nicelongbath its a private assessment. Its not quite finished yet so I may be surprised. It was a retired educational psychologist in her house. She is covered to give assessments though.

Clear for ASD, possibly. Clear for a Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD - perhaps not.

You have a couple of options I'd say

You could start with an educational psychologist. The upside of this is that you get practical support and help, child assessed at school and in the school setting and they're very good at highlighting/signposting to other issues. Downside is they can't diagnose so it's a lot ofcash upfront but its only the first step.

Occupational Therapist is the way forward for Sensory Processing Disorders.

A paediatric Psychiatrist for ADHD.

I would start with the Ed Psych and/or your own research on other ND that might be causing challenges so that you are more informed as you go into the diagnostic process.

Also, note, that ND children are far more likely to be the targets of bullies. It's actually on the ADHD assessment question list!

oh, then ask her about SPD and Inattentive ADHD as well.

I never suspected adhd as her concentration is fine.

Ah OK then - see what she comes back with. Ours came with lots of very useful recommendations which were as helpful as having (or not having) a specific diagnosis.

DS has a lot of sensory sensitivities but these don't cause meltdowns so I'd question whether that's the threshold for those sensitivities being significant.

Sensory Processing Disorder CAN be standalone. It often comes with ADHD or ASD however. But it could be. I don't know in your case.

SPD - a person with SPD may have struggles processing all senses, or just one. And there are additional senses outside of the ones we all know - I had to get Chat GBT to remind me of them:

Proprioception

• This is the sense of body awareness—knowing where your limbs are in space without looking.
• Children with proprioceptive difficulties may appear clumsy, seek deep pressure (e.g. tight hugs), or push/crash into things.

2.
Vestibular sense

• This is the sense of balance and spatial orientation, managed by the inner ear.
• Children may avoid swings or climbing (if hypersensitive), or constantly seek movement (if under-sensitive).

3.
Interoception

• This is the sense of what’s happening inside the body—like hunger, needing the toilet, or recognising emotions.
• Children may struggle to identify internal states or react strongly to discomfort.

As for ADHD, DS can pay attention.... once he gets started. getting him to START paying attention is the problem.

Black and white thinking and emotional disregulation - classic ADHD symptoms.

Sleep issues is another classic ADHD I didn't know before. Ditto food/ hunger (over or under sensitive to food).

DS doesn't have traditional meltdowns....

but when we bought seamless bamboo socks when he was about 6, getting dressed int he morning was a transformed experience! For example

Hi OP, I’ve had very similar with my now 14yr old DD. She was bullied by girls she thought were some of her best friends in y6 (so age 10/11). Before this she was the type of person to make a new best friend as soon as she got to the playground, new activity, etc. Afterwards, she said everyone was mean, would assume things said were meant to be mean, and other kids generally annoying. It took a lot of talking through the different instances and looking at intention and her interpretation, making activity leaders aware of what had happened at school, and really focusing on already established friendships outside of school to get through it. She still often finds people annoying, but she has made some good new friends and even threw herself into a new activity where she knew no one and is really enjoying it AND making new friends.
I think just talk to her about each situation to help her process, and give her time. 💐

Is secondary bigger where you are as it is in the UK? She might find her "tribe" there.

I was going to suggest looking into ND. I never in a million years would have thought I had ADHD (inattentive) because I had no issues paying attention at school. In hindsight - I was intelligent enough to get by despite not always paying attention, I was often interested in the topics we were learning, I did used to get into trouble for daydreaming/looking out of the window/chatting (when I did have friends, which was not often) or being slow to start work or slow to finish it, I (still) get sidetracked in conversation and go off on a tangent, I had a million unfinished projects at home although I would concentrate initially, I would simply lose interest and think "I'll finish that later..." (which never happened).

People assume ADHD = can't concentrate or pay attention ALL the time. Actually it's more about not really being able to choose what to pay attention to. So things which are interesting/intriguing will often hold attention, at least for a while.

For me bcause I was bright the school side only really became an issue during GCSE coursework - once I had less parental supervision and higher expectations for management of my homework it would fall apart, I never did anything until the very last possible minute and with longer projects (which had not been given to us, un-broken-down, during lower years) it absolutely fell apart and nobody could understand it. Because this was 20+ years ago nobody suggested ADHD as the cause of this but I now know that is highly likely what the problem was.

And in girls who are socially motivated, the "typical" social deficits associated with ASD are less obvious because they tend to study their peers and try to replicate the social behaviours that they see, but girls with ASD can be very upset by what they see as rule-breaking or inconsistency, and there is a lot of "meanness" in social dynamics of girl groups at this age.

I have heard good things about the "American Girl" series of books about how to be a good friend/navigate friend group dynamics for this age for any girl who struggles socially.

This sounds like my dd. I'm sorry yours went through this, it's so horrible. But it's reassuring that she has come out the other side. I'm hoping the same for mine as she gets a bit older.

That's really interesting, as I said I never considered this but reading your post I think I will do some research. She is mid assessment so maybe it will be flagged.