Long-haul family funeral - leaving teens at home?

[FarAwayFuneral]

Bracing myself possibly for a flaming, but genuinely canvassing for opinions. Will try to include as much relevant info as possible.

Situation is:

In my country of origin which is very far away, my grandmother is in hospital and has been put on an end of life pathway (or whatever it is called, I don't know the correct term). According to my parents, doctors are saying DGM has only weeks left at most.

DGM practically brought me up and we were very close when I was a child. So if there were no caring considerations, I would very much want to attend her funeral.

Twin DC are 16 (nearly 17), very responsible and mature, e.g. get themselves to college, organise own homework and studies, able to do food shopping and cook proper meals as they have weekly cooking duty.

DH is about to depart for a long-planned month-long work trip in another very distant country.

Question is:

WWYD? DH and I both think that DC will cope perfectly well at home if I have to leave them for a short period to attend DGM's funeral. They've had single nights at home without any problems, but that was with at least one of us still in the country. (We haven't raised the possibility with DC yet, because we don't know when she'll pass, so the funeral might not be until after DH gets home.)

What is your local support network like? Is there a well known and trusted adult who is happy to support them in the event of an emergency until you or your DH could make it back?

Yes if there's a family member/ good friend who can be called on in an emergency.

I’m sorry that you’re facing the possibility of losing your beloved grandmother, OP. Your DC sound very sensible and mature. They’ll be fine! Though I probably wouldn’t make the trip home a lengthy one- not because your kids won’t cope but because you might feel anxious about leaving them alone for too long.

I feel your dilemma. I’ve had to decline attending my own mother’s funeral back in the States. My brother booked the service without discussing it with me. My daughter is being admitted to hospital the day before mum’s funeral (DD has had ongoing complications from two spinal surgeries this summer). It’s an awful feeling, missing my mother’s funeral. I think it will sit badly with me for the rest of my life. Anyway, I’m just venting now. Sorry! 😬
But yes, your DC sound like they’re very mature and conscientious people and they will manage just fine. I hope you’re ok, OP. It’s a fraught and sad time for you. 💐

I’m so sorry that your DGM is so unwell.

As with all questions of this type, it absolutely depends on the kids.

However my DH and I left our kids, at exactly the same age, to attend a funeral a flight away for two nights. They were completely fine.

We made local relatives aware they’d be alone just in case of emergency but otherwise the D.C. got on with everything on their own without issue.

How quickly could you or DH get back to them? If you're both basically a day away at best, then you need a really rigorous local support system imo. Even if they're responsible, it's a lot for them to have to make consistently good decisions for a week with no back up.

Thank you all very much, it's indeed a sad time for the whole family and it's all so unpredictable!

I would keep my time away to the minimum which is practical, but obviously this would be more than a few days just due to the journey time if nothing else. DH would also be at least a day's travel time away.

Fortunately we have DH's sister and father in the same city as us (but on the other side of the city). I'm very sure both would be more than happy to step in if there is an emergency at home. SiL has a very busy job with irregular working hours, FiL is very elderly but still very active and has all his marbles.

Sorry I disagree. Unless the relatives are able to stay with your teens, I don’t think leaving them with no supporting adults staying with them is a good idea.
The likelihood is that they would be ok, but there are so many variables that they could encounter, and are you certain they will know how to react in all situations?

Personally I think your choices are

1. Taken them with you
2. You husband delays/cuts short his work trip and stays home due to family emergency
3. A nearby relative stays with your dc
4. You don’t attend

Blueshels they are nearly 17 and the OP describes them as capable and confident.

At 17 my kids took holidays abroad without parental support for more than a week.

Do you have to go or could the family arrange for the service to be streamed online?

We have family in Australia who didn't come back to UK for their elderly Mothers funeral (2 children of the deceased who had both emigrated) and no one in the family judged them for it.

I think you also need to factor in the kids will be loosing their great grandmother. How close a relationship do they gave with her? ie are they going to not only be on their own, but grieving too?

Any way DH's trip can be postponed?

I think they’ll be fine, and have your SIL and FIL there if there’s a problem.
Depending how long you end up being away you could ask your in laws to each call in for a visit to check all is ok.
Also schedule regular video calls with your DC to check in on them.

Can DH come back from his trip for a few days( thinking of in Europe or something). Can FIL come and stay?

I think it’s fine OP. Two sensible 16 year olds with some relatives in the wings.

I’d go without a second thought, having made arrangements with DH and more local family members about checking in with the teenagers.

My question was going to be whether you should go now instead, and get to see her first a last time, rather than to the funeral?

So would SIL leave work immediately for them? Are they close enough for them to call her for help? Is Grandad still driving? Could he get to them at 2 am if they needed it?

Rather than waiting until she has died can you go over now and your DH postpone his trip by a few days. Give you a chance to see her now?

They will be fine. I left mine for a week at 17 and 14. Both absolutely fine. Just go over what to do in emergencies.

@Bluehels It's helpful to hear disagreement too as this does feel like a biggish step compared to what DC have coped with before!

@OSTMusTisNT As suggested, I don't have to go, but I would like to if possible. I don't know if the funeral could be streamed - it will not be a typical Western-style funeral.

@Cantseetreesforthewood DC are not close to my DGM, they didn't get to see her that much as only on annual holidays, also she doesn't speak English and DC are not fully fluent in my mother tongue so they couldn't communicate that effectively. I think DC will feel sad at her passing but not deeply grieving, IYSWIM?

I haven't suggested DH change his travel plans because we don't know how long DGM has, so it wouldn't make sense to upend something which has been arranged with a whole lot of people at his destination. Would be different if we had definite knowledge.

I'm with @Sirzy , would it be better to visit now than to go for her funeral?

I'd be happier if grandpa were able to stay over I think. Great that they can shop and cook - you have set them up well - but it's more in case of something really badly going wrong. Unless you have really friendly neighbours who your twins know well and would be happy to call on in a crisis.

Oh sorry missed the latest posts!

DH and I have discussed my going to see DGM immediately but not sure because she's already unconscious but doctors can't say whether she has days or weeks so if I went now, I possibly wouldn't also be able to stay for the funeral.

SiL will probably (I say probably only because we haven't asked her yet, but she's very caring and helpful) drop everything at any hour to come to help DC if needed. FiL will be less practically useful because he can't drive anymore, but will definitely do his best to help.

Sensible 16 year olds with local support should be fine.

It's not long since it was normal range for 16-17 year olds to move out.

OP I would take the advice on here with a pinch of salt as there are plenty of MNers who still treat their 16-18 year olds as though they are small children and track and monitor their every move.

But yes, in the real world it's absolutely fine to leave them for a week. They are in their own home, no doubt have neighbours and friends locally in case they need anything and as you said, family in the same city for emergencies.

They may well be off to Uni in the next or two and will be living completely independently then so good practice for them!

Absolutely fine OP, you say they're sensible, they can cook, they can sort themselves out, and they have each other, they're not alone.

You'll get a lot of people on here aghast .... but this is MN. I remember one poster saying her 18 year old had never spent a night away from her ... no SN or additional issues/anxiety going on.

What could "really badly" go wrong that an almost 17 year old couldn't deal with?! Even in the absolute worst case scenario of say a burglary or a house fire, they would know to ring 999?!

I actually would feel worse having a very elderly relative staying with them as there's far more potential for something to go wrong and then two teens are responsible for someone else.

I mean that's probably not the worst that I've read on here 😆But yes, it baffles me when I read mums saying that they don't want to let their 15 year old go on a train on their own or tracking their 18 year olds movements at Uni in another city.