Long-haul family funeral - leaving teens at home?

[FarAwayFuneral]

Bracing myself possibly for a flaming, but genuinely canvassing for opinions. Will try to include as much relevant info as possible.

Situation is:

In my country of origin which is very far away, my grandmother is in hospital and has been put on an end of life pathway (or whatever it is called, I don't know the correct term). According to my parents, doctors are saying DGM has only weeks left at most.

DGM practically brought me up and we were very close when I was a child. So if there were no caring considerations, I would very much want to attend her funeral.

Twin DC are 16 (nearly 17), very responsible and mature, e.g. get themselves to college, organise own homework and studies, able to do food shopping and cook proper meals as they have weekly cooking duty.

DH is about to depart for a long-planned month-long work trip in another very distant country.

Question is:

WWYD? DH and I both think that DC will cope perfectly well at home if I have to leave them for a short period to attend DGM's funeral. They've had single nights at home without any problems, but that was with at least one of us still in the country. (We haven't raised the possibility with DC yet, because we don't know when she'll pass, so the funeral might not be until after DH gets home.)

Absolutely go OP.
Provided that they are sensible and mature with no SN, they will be fine. They will hanging out with friends anyway and they have each other.

Thanks for further comments!

Yes we have gradually increased responsibilities and skills of DC as they have grown up, it's my goal to basically make myself redundant as a parent . And that means being ready to fly the nest in less than 2 years. So in addition to being able to meal plan, shop and cook, DC can also make own packed lunches, do laundry, etc. (To be clear we usually do stuff like laundry as a family batch because it's a more efficient use of the washing machine!) DC have been routinely using buses, trains and Uber Teen for ages, so can easily get around the city even if for whatever reason SiL/FiL were unable to get to our house.

We definitely do not want FiL to be staying in our house. Although he is very healthy and active for his age, he lives in a supported flat and needs walking aids. It would be more scary for everyone to have him struggling up and down our stairs 😱

I think your DC will be fine. It sounds like you have raised them to be pretty independent and they have each other. I left my 17 year old and 14 year old this year for 3 nights and they got themselves to work and school and ate fine.

You have the back up of SIL and FIL

This was exactly my thought OP.

Those saying your FIL should stay with them have obviously never lived with an elderly relative before. It's hard enough as a grown adult but you can't have two 16-17 year olds responsible for someone else! There is FAR more potential for something to go wrong in this instance!

I did actually, for most of my childhood. I wasn't getting "huge burden" and "unsteady on the stairs" from OP saying he was very active and still has all his marbles! I'm a bit surprised you did TBH.

Fair enough OP has updated that he's in supported accommodation and can't manage stairs, so sure it's a rubbish idea now she's said that, but when I started writing she hadn't. Elderly doesn't always mean "needs a carer".

Yes, sorry I didn't make that clear! I was so busy thinking about how healthy and active FiL is for his age, but of course those of us who know him have "forgotten" that he does actually have all these frailties.

In that case I think it's absolutely fine x

I am an hon aunt to several families with kids this age. I would be more than happy to shore the teenagers up and irregularly working hours can be advantageous here - means you can be free midweek etc.

I recently supported an anxious kid on a school trip to my home city. We texted multiple times a day and the teachers, the kid and I all knew I was the pressure relief. My irreg hours meant there was actually only one day that I wouldn’t have been immediately free.

is it worth giving your SIL a heads up and scope her out?

My mum used to go visit family abroad every year and I had to go stay with relatives on the other side of town. I bloody hated it.

At 16 I basically refused to stay with said relatives, told her I could move out if I wanted to therefore should be OK to stay in our home for three weeks. It was up to her if she wanted to cancel her flight to supervise me as I wasn’t leaving (usually I wouldn’t have been able to get away with telling my mum it’s the highway but maybe her hands were tide).

It was great, I knew mum was close to the neighbours and they’d enjoy curtain twitching to see if I was having anyone over. I think the worst thing I done was put one item at a time in the washing machine/tumble dryer (I do cringe how much that must have cost back then). I learnt to cook, manage a budget and I knew that I had to ‘keep my nose clean’ or I’d definitely not be allowed to stay home alone in future.

Somehow a swarm of wasps got into my bedroom but the neighbour was able to solve that for me. I was always left with emergency cash which I would have worked out how to get in a professional if needed…

Some 16-year-olds are more competent than fully grown adults. It’s down to the individual/maturity not age.

Sorry but 14 is terrible. 16 and over it really depends on the child and their capabilities and I would not unless there was a good support system in place should things go wrong.

I think it’s fine due to

a) their age
b) there are two of them together and
c) you know your kids

She was with her 17yr old brother at home with her. My dad was dying, their father was abroad working. I had little choice but in any event they were perfectly fine. House was nice and tidy, they went out for a couple of meals and they had a burglar alarm on at night and perfectly capable of looking after themselves. I wouldn’t have left a 14yr old alone. The next door neighbour is also a friend and a close friend nearby. Nothing terrible about it. 14yrs are capable of caring for themselves and they have both been able to cook from 12/13 so were both absolutely fine.

I haven’t RTFT, but if it were me, I would go visit now. I think it’s more important to see the person whilst they are alive, than attend the funeral.

Sorry you are going through this though. It must be a sad and difficult time for everyone.

@FarAwayFuneral Have they no friends they can stay with? This is surely a fall back position if during school? I’m sure you would find a couple of parents to help out. If DGM is unconscious, I would assume not long I’m afraid and I really would speak to dc now so they can be part of your planning discussions. They might have sensible suggestions to make.

They’ll be absolutely fine OP, please don’t worry.

I’m so sorry about your grandmother

I would leave NT broadly sensibly 16 year old if I had friends or family nearby they could contact. I wouldn’t for any longer than a long weekend for a holiday or jolly but in this situation I would leave for longer.

If your SIL is nearby, and is happy to help if there is an emergency, I think you'll be fine x

I am going against the flow here. I don’t think you should leave your children alone. I don’t think it is compulsory to attend funerals and most can be live streamed. We have done 2 distant ones by live stream. I certainly wouldn’t want my grandchildren being left alone at 16. I would rather my children miss my funeral. Your grandmother certainly won’t know that you missed her funeral.

I’m very sorry to hear about your grandmother op, it’s a difficult time. It sounds like your Dc are sensible and will be absolutely fine. I wouldn’t hesitate to leave a 16 year old alone if I knew they were ok with it and could be trusted to be sensible. I’m surprised at some of the responses, don’t people leave 16/17 year olds when they go on holiday? I didn’t go away with my parents once I’d left school.

I've just been away for a long weekend, in Europe, with a friend who's adult (married) son was taken seriously ill while we were away. That was traumatic enough.

I know it's unlikely and we hope it won't happen, but imagine one of your DC being taken ill/having an accident and both parents are on distant continents.

If I was your DH, I'd move heaven and earth to get that work trip changed.

DH could modify his work trip, if we had definite information. But we don't, at the moment, could be days, could be weeks. And perhaps it's better for me to rush there sooner, while DGM is still alive. It's not the easiest thing for me to get flights there as well, am looking into it now to check availability and then maybe we'll have a clearer idea.

Edited to add that we've discussed with DC over lunch and both are perfectly happy to be left. One said "There'll be nobody to check that I've put lettuce in my sandwiches!"

(Although as several people have pointed out, there's no need for me to go at all, could just FaceTime.)

Admittedly, my parents were in the UK, but I was left on my own a week after my 17th birthday. Not only that my Dad left with dealing with phone calls for his business and moving things along where I could. I was absolutely fine. I don't remember them leaving details of who to contact in the case of an emergency, but I know I'd certainly have gone to a neighbour to to one of my friend's parents.

We left DD on her own when she was 17 and went abroad. Again she was fine. admittedly I fussed leaving contact numbers of nearby family and a couple of friends. She called up half way through our break though, to ask if she could have two friends over to cook a three course meal between them.

From what you've said, they sound very sensible and capable, and if they've contact(s) in case of an emergency/any concerns they'll be fine.

It's not an easy time for you, but go and do what you need to do for yourself and your family.

Could they not stay with friends for a wee while? I would absolutely host my kids' friends for a few days in these circumstances.

I thought you were about to say 14

In a years time they could be off to university and looking after themselves full time. Leave some money and some food and let them fend for themselves. They'll either enjoy it or crash and burn and need some adulting lessons.

I’m really sorry to hear about your grandmother. I’m afraid there’s no way I would consider leaving two 16 year olds in the house on their own whilst I was away, and would either send them to stay with a relative or find someone to move in with them. The scope for them having a party is just too great, and even planning to have a few friends can escalate very quickly.