If you are a really strict/authoritarian parent, can you help me understand why?!

[OnlyFangs]

I'm currently dealing with my two children who hate spending time at their dads house because he is very strict /authoritarian, and also my daughter's friend who comes round here several evenings each week must to.escape her very strict mum

I guess I could understand being incredibly disciplinarian if a child has really difficult behaviour. But mine have always done chores, tidied their rooms,.kept on top of homework and just generally been good eggs without me ever needing to be strict. They know I care about education and being helpful and being kind. They always get glowing reports from school.

I guess I am not sure why people go down the incredibly strict /controlling route, and maybe it would help me to see the world from their perspective

It's great for you that your children are so well behaved that you don't have to be strict.

How nice.

Some of us don't have compliant little paragons of perfection and need to set boundaries. I love my DC completely, but the teen years are proving to be a real challenge. Given how (some) teenaged minds work, I find it more effective to say, 'This is the rule. This happens if you don't follow the rule' than spending hours sitting about gently negotiating with someone whose brain isn't developed enough yet to actually understand the niceties of negotiation.

I think people see a lot of undesirable behaviour to them in children they come across in public/social settings.

So it’s a case of seeing/knowing what you don’t like, and implementing tools to avoid it.

One persons undesirable behaviour is another persons childlike charming enjoyment.

An eight-year-old birthday party guest decided the birthday cake tasted SO good therefore decided to pull up in a chair and take a fork to it.

The mum was meekly told her kid that he had ate enough and he ignored her. This is a kid that the mum says he shows her no respect/can’t control him.

What do you class as strict? How does your parenting differ from your ex's or child's friend's mum?

Usually just what people were brought up with - their ideas of normal expectations and limits may be different to yours.

Congratulations on "winning" at parenting.

We get judged all the time on our parenting (child has SEN) and it gets really bloody annoying.

I'm not an authoritarian parent and I'm very lucky that my dc have been easy behaviour-wise. Surely it doesn't take a great deal of thought to realise that not all children are like that, and that some require a firmer approach?

Strict is generally in the eye of the beholder.

i’d say I was quite a strict parent when my kids were small as frankly I needed to be to survive having twins.

my SIL was not strict and her children did not have a fixed bedtime (or indeed any bedtime), hit, pushed and kicked with no parental response and were generally rude.

You answered your own question there, your little darlings have always been perfect without the need for you to be very strict.

Different kids are, shockingly, different, and even the same kids can be different with different people.

Although in many cases a parent thinking their children are perfect angels the general public and others who know them can see the parent has rose tinted glasses and the kids are little shits with no boundries.

I'd take what your DD's friend says with a massive pinch of salt, tbh.

I'm sure we'd all love a child who just did what they were supposed to do with little or no guidance.

Unfortunately, some of us have DC who will not do the simplest thing without having been asked half a dozen times, refused, procrastinated, started an argument, thrown a strop and called us names, had the threat of having various privileges taken away, continued not to do the thing and had those privileges taken away before finally backing down and doing the simple, 5 minute task that is something that will benefit them anyway. Rinse and repeat- sometimes several times a day.

You soon learn that you have to exert unflinching, military discipline, have an iron clad set of rules and follow through on every threat.

It is seriously fucking exhausting.

Maybe your kids are well behaved because of their strict / firm / clear boundaried parenting? Delete as you feel appropriate.

I know my friends and kids think I'm strict. I don't care. I chose my hills to die upon and my kids know my reasons for each.

They can make their own choices when they live by themselves.

So for me, I guess I'd say its me being authentic to what I can and can't bear. Table manners, not bothered. Screen time, eating healthy meals together, physical violence and ownership of property, they know the rules.

Depends on what you mean as super strict. Big difference between Von Trapp military style rules and general good manners and reasonable ‘rules’.
Not sure why people are automatically assuming your kids are perfect and you have no rules OP?! I’m assuming you’re referring to very very strict parenting which can often backfire…

Depends what you call strict?
I believed that my kids should do as they were told, be polite, kind and well behaved. I was a single parent to four kids I saw a future where I needed to know that my teens would be used to being respectful and complient, I saw through work, school refusers, kids in gangs, antisocial behaviour etc.which I wanted to avoid at all costs.

Ah ha ha.

DD1 - school prefect, in multiple sports clubs, peer mediator.
DS- top of the "class board", most popular boy in his class
DD2 - ask her to do something, she'll a) growl at you, b) ignore you, c) hit her sibling

I would love to see anyone gentle parent her 😅

sounds like the OP does set boundaries, very succesfuly
yes she may be fortunate in having children that comply. or maybe she just always set the expectation that 'this is what we do' and so the children follow that.
I think there needs to be some clearer thinking on what is 'strict' parenting, what is 'authoritarian' and what is 'authoritative'.
Some people might have considered me strict because DCs had no meat and very little processed food. But I didn't have to be authoritarian about it, that was just what we normally had and no one questioned it.

To answer OPs question I think most people either unthinkingly follow the pattern their parents set, (maybe OPs ex) or, they have bad memories of their childhood and set out to do the opposite- maybe that's what we are seeing with the so-called 'gentle parenting'

I was a parent educator in a previous life. You can be strict without being authoritarian. Authoritarian parenting is not particularly effective, you’ll get children who may do as they’re told but it comes at a cost. They won’t trust their parents and they’re far more likely to hide things and tell lies.

authoritarian parents expect children to comply, immediately, and without question. They expect children to do what they say, rather than do what their parents do. The most effective parenting models the behaviour you want to see whilst still providing guidance.

The general aim is to be authoritative. Children need firm boundaries to feel secure and there’s no issue in having, and holding, firm boundaries.

Dc's friends whose parents are 'strict' just care more about stuff than I do. They feel more strongly about dc not eating loads of sugar, going to bed at a decent time or they strictly limit screen time. I think these are all Good Things and they're better parents than me 😅

Your attitude is why teens misbehave. Why would they respect you when you obviously don’t treat them with respect? By the sound of it you infantilise them - no wonder they want to rebel for a grain of independence!

I also realise, with DS1, that he wants me to be the meanie. He both needs someone to set firm boundaries, and to hate the boundary setter.

Example, this evening: "What time do you want me home from my friend's, mum?"

Me: "Well, we've got a big day tomorrow, we're setting the alarm for 8, what do you reckon?"

Him: "Well I want to be in bed for 10, so....9.45?"

Me: "Sounds good".

An hour later: "So you want me back at 10 mum?"

Me: "Did you not decide yourself that you should be back at 9.45?"

He doesn't want the responsibility of setting his own boundaries!!

(He'll probably be back at about 10.15, satisfied in the knowledge that he's stuck it to the (wo)man. FML).

I was really strict when my children were little but eased off in around yr 4 onwards when they became articulate and responsible. The more independent and sensible they were, the fewer rules we had and the teen years were relatively easy. By the time they were at secondary we treated them like mini adults and I could pretty well trust them to behave like it too.

We still have a great relationship with our adult children now, and regularly hang out together. They talk about their childhood as being ‘idyllic’ although they do laugh about being scared of my fierce ‘look’ if they'd misbehaved!

Strictness doesn’t harm kids if it’s tempered with emotional intelligence and love. I’d argue that the opposite, lax parenting, does more harm long term.

They won’t trust their parents and they’re far more likely to hide things and tell lies.

Well, not necessarily, @LoveSandbanks . It’s just as possible that they will be compliant and internalise their unhappiness. Equally, if not more, damaging

Op you will find a myriad of what people consider to be unacceptable behaviour.
I find what I do and others do totally different for instance I think it's natural for DC to have rude rebellious phases obviously within some bounds.

I know some parents don't tolerate a moment of what they call disrespect and cow the child into constant submission and rules.

I’m like you OP, totally easy DC and v relaxed parenting, she can regulate herself well and is very well behaved in all environments. Her best friend is an absolute nightmare and when she is here for a (daily) play date I have to set down rules and watch her like a hawk. I hate it and I’m hugely relieved she’s not my DC. Her parents are incredibly strict. I don’t think that causes her wild behaviour, I think that’s just how she is. But her siblings seem very well behaved and I feel a bit sorry for them as their house feels incredibly stressful. I don’t know what the answer is really.

It depends what you think of as authoritarian….do you mean shouting all the time and dishing out punishments? Of firmly implementing age appropriate boundaries?

I’d say I’m very much the second. Myself and my husband set boundaries/rules and our boys know they need to adhere to them. Not doing as they are asked/told results in a consequence (though not a hugely over the top ones.)

We don’t really negotiate with them but we do share our reasoning behind things (e.g why DS8 can’t get game with his friends online etc.) but we do show we listen to them about things that are age appropriate have control of e.g clothing, food (to an extent!), toys, days out, friends etc.

I think sometimes very authoritarian adults had a childhood where there was never discussion. ‘Children shall be seen and now heard’ and see listening to a child’s opinion as ‘giving in’ or a sign of weakness.

The former, not the latter

Ie. Not just sensible boundaries for protection but vast numbers of rules policing most aspects of a child"s life /expecting a higher standard of behaviour from a child than they would or themselves or a fellow adult