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If you are a really strict/authoritarian parent, can you help me understand why?!

72 replies

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 16:56

I'm currently dealing with my two children who hate spending time at their dads house because he is very strict /authoritarian, and also my daughter's friend who comes round here several evenings each week must to.escape her very strict mum

I guess I could understand being incredibly disciplinarian if a child has really difficult behaviour. But mine have always done chores, tidied their rooms,.kept on top of homework and just generally been good eggs without me ever needing to be strict. They know I care about education and being helpful and being kind. They always get glowing reports from school.

I guess I am not sure why people go down the incredibly strict /controlling route, and maybe it would help me to see the world from their perspective

OP posts:
redskydelight · 27/10/2025 21:22

There is a massive difference between being strict and setting boundaries and being an authoritarian parent. Authoritarian parents are likely to be abusive, so I'm going to guess that you are not going to find people saying that they parent like that on a MN thread.

My parent were authoritarian. With the benefit of distance I can say that it was almost certainly due to their own childhood trauma, and that the lack of ability to self reflect, realise their parenting was harmful and to choose a different parenting style.

Vintique · 27/10/2025 21:25

@OnlyFangs i know you wanted the perspective of people who are authoritarian parents but, tangentially, these have been my thoughts about the possible motivations of the authoritarian parents who raised me and dsibling (I think about why parents could have been that way a lot! But could be completely off the mark…)

  • my mother: thought it would push us to achieve more if we were constantly told we weren’t good enough (school marks, behaviours, weight, appearance etc).
  • she had a very kind and quite permissive mother so I believe she sort of took that for granted and didn’t realise the impact of not showing love or affection - plus she felt she hadn’t been pushed enough to achieve by her own parents, and went the opposite way.
  • she was, I think, a bit resentful of being a mother and the restrictions that placed on her life (70s/80s small town), so we were expected to keep out of the way as much as possible (eg from a young age we were expected to stay out of the house until six pm, then given eg toasted sandwiches/baked beans/sandwich bought at work for our dinner, then go to our separate rooms and not make any sound until bedtime)
  • my step-parent: never wanted or expected to be a parent, didn’t really like children, thought we should behave like little adults, also resented the restrictions of being a parent
despite that they did in fact love us! And we all had a much better relationship when sibling and I grew up. In my opinion they were not abusive but it was damaging. Sibling and I counted the seconds to seeing our father and his unconditional love and comfort! Ditto extremely loving grandmother. Without them life might actually have been pretty unbearable…
FrippEnos · 27/10/2025 21:40

Maybe you get to be more lenient because he is being the strict parent?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/10/2025 21:41

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 20:20

For instance, my step daughters mum said she would throw her comfort teddy (her most loved one) in the bin if she didn't finish every mouthful or her dinner. They have to finish every mouthful but are never allowed seconds or a snack (even fruit /veg /bread) if they are hungry.

That kind of thing

That’s not authoritarian that’s emotionally abusive - a wholly different type of “parenting”.

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 22:11

FrippEnos · 27/10/2025 21:40

Maybe you get to be more lenient because he is being the strict parent?

He was barely around for the first 8 years of their life (even when we are together ), I very much doubt he's been the primary influence

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 27/10/2025 22:25

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 20:43

Well, Cafcass said it was just "different parenting styles" 🤷‍♀️

CAFCASS minimise and flatten every last bit of info they are given, don’t listen to them and don’t take my word for it https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5ef3dcade90e075c4e144bfd/assessing-risk-harm-children-parents-pl-childrens-cases-report_.pdf

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5ef3dcade90e075c4e144bfd/assessing-risk-harm-children-parents-pl-childrens-cases-report_.pdf

TheaBrandt1 · 27/10/2025 22:38

I think it’s rarer now. Several friends of mine parents growing up were like this. Weird harsh rules zero flexibility lots of shouting. Some I think just enjoyed having abit of power. My parents were not like this and several friends spent a lot of time at our house to avoid home.

Actually met an old school friends mum and she as good as admitted she hadn’t been a good mum to teens.

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 23:04

If your kids behave all the time, I guess non authoritian would be easy??

Hardly difficult to figure out

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 23:13

coxesorangepippin · 27/10/2025 23:04

If your kids behave all the time, I guess non authoritian would be easy??

Hardly difficult to figure out

But then why does their other parent feel the need to be authoritarian? Same children, so that argument doesn't wash

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 28/10/2025 07:14

The authoritarian parents I knew growing up
actually had pretty well behaved biddable kids. It’s not having to be firmer than you’d like because your kid is a behavioural nightmare it’s choosing to be authoritarian when you don’t need to be .

These parents would massively overreact about minor normal child / teen misdemeanours. Really stayed with me as I was determined to never parent teens like that and I didn’t.

firstofallimadelight · 28/10/2025 07:39

Control, authoritve parents do it because it’s the only way they can control the situation.
I had two easy going kids who I never needed to think about my parenting beyond teaching them how to behave.
Then I had a child with Sen who absolutely wouldn’t have responded to authoritve parenting. So I learnt gentle parenting (the real kind not the passive kind) personally I think it is the best best type of parenting

BertieBotts · 28/10/2025 08:21

I think it's quite obvious why parents go for authoritarian parenting but you won't get anyone on MN admitting it because they would get roasted.

It's like every other form of bullying, if someone is genuinely scared then you'll likely get compliance in the moment almost all of the time. That makes them feel powerful, competent and in control which is a feeling most people enjoy.

Plus everyone has had a moment when they are enraged by their child's behaviour. It probably feels really cathartic to enact a harsh punishment and if you justify it to yourself as being deserved and/or part of a longer game of "showing them who's boss" rather than feeling guilty or having empathy for how the child might be feeling.

LinedOverLatte · 28/10/2025 08:46

I’m reading this as the OP has rules and boundaries that would be “normal” as broad as that is, and her ex is authoritarian and totally over the top, ruling by fear.

Growing up my mum was authoritarian and it seriously messed me up. I wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING that she didn’t approve of, so no play dates, socialising, walking to school, meeting friends, going to the park or anything other kids did.

Entire weekends were spent producing homework that met her exacting expectations. Silence at meal times, in the car, after dark. No sleepovers, days out with other families.

You get the picture. As I’ve got older I’ve realised that to the outside world I’d have looked VERY well behaved etc and this reflected well on her which is what mattered. She was all about what other people thought and decided people viewed her as a “good” parent. That’s why she was so draconian behind closed doors and it was shit.

I was late home for tea ONCE, at age 13, by less than 5 minutes. She was waiting on the doorstep and slapped me hard around the face, because “I care about you and I was worried” I wasn’t allowed out alone again until I was 16!!! Obviously I left home ASAP.

I’m a mid-50s adult and only feel “free” of this since my mum died.

I was conversely far more relaxed with my own DCs. We had rules and expectations that were “normal” and aligned to other people’s. My DCs responded in the usual way - did some stuff, didn’t do other stuff, kicked off, argued about some things but were on the whole really lovely and still are - but life was far happier and peaceful for all of us. So I think that’s the comparison the OP is making - authoritarian and strict parents are beyond the parameters of “normal” rules and boundaries and doing it for their own benefit and not their children’s.

OnlyFangs · 28/10/2025 08:50

Exactly that @LinedOverLatte

And it's true @BertieBotts maybe I was naive to think people would admit to it on MN. But the people I know in real life like this are really very proud of their parenting style and like to brag about it ...

OP posts:
Vintique · 28/10/2025 09:54

LinedOverLatte · 28/10/2025 08:46

I’m reading this as the OP has rules and boundaries that would be “normal” as broad as that is, and her ex is authoritarian and totally over the top, ruling by fear.

Growing up my mum was authoritarian and it seriously messed me up. I wasn’t allowed to do ANYTHING that she didn’t approve of, so no play dates, socialising, walking to school, meeting friends, going to the park or anything other kids did.

Entire weekends were spent producing homework that met her exacting expectations. Silence at meal times, in the car, after dark. No sleepovers, days out with other families.

You get the picture. As I’ve got older I’ve realised that to the outside world I’d have looked VERY well behaved etc and this reflected well on her which is what mattered. She was all about what other people thought and decided people viewed her as a “good” parent. That’s why she was so draconian behind closed doors and it was shit.

I was late home for tea ONCE, at age 13, by less than 5 minutes. She was waiting on the doorstep and slapped me hard around the face, because “I care about you and I was worried” I wasn’t allowed out alone again until I was 16!!! Obviously I left home ASAP.

I’m a mid-50s adult and only feel “free” of this since my mum died.

I was conversely far more relaxed with my own DCs. We had rules and expectations that were “normal” and aligned to other people’s. My DCs responded in the usual way - did some stuff, didn’t do other stuff, kicked off, argued about some things but were on the whole really lovely and still are - but life was far happier and peaceful for all of us. So I think that’s the comparison the OP is making - authoritarian and strict parents are beyond the parameters of “normal” rules and boundaries and doing it for their own benefit and not their children’s.

Spot on @LinedOverLatte and I’m sorry for what you went through. Some parents do enjoy a level of approval from society (and self congratulation) about having utterly obedient children - they believe it makes them a success at parenting. People might be shocked to see how the compliance is achieved behind closed doors!

Vintique · 28/10/2025 09:58

I have only been able to process it since my mother died. I loved her very much but in all honesty, if she hadn’t died i think my life could have been quite different, I don’t know if I would even have got married or had my own wonderful children, or if I would have still been chasing around trying to please her and meet some sort of impossible standards…

Vintique · 28/10/2025 10:03

You sound like a wonderful parent OP and the unconditional love and affection you give to your kids - and the refuge for their friend - will be invaluable, and never forgotten. I guess you can’t change the other parent, sadly, just provide a loving counterbalance.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2025 10:04

OnlyFangs · 27/10/2025 20:20

For instance, my step daughters mum said she would throw her comfort teddy (her most loved one) in the bin if she didn't finish every mouthful or her dinner. They have to finish every mouthful but are never allowed seconds or a snack (even fruit /veg /bread) if they are hungry.

That kind of thing

That’s awful, what a way to ruin a childhood, woman sounds unhinged

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/10/2025 10:11

My son is one of those darling compliant children, loves a sense of order and will invent rules if they aren't presented naturally.

People keep complimenting us on his manners and behaviour, but in all honesty, we've just given him the tools to follow what this country calls polite. He's compliant by nature (in fact, I gently encourage him to show some independence because his dad is a total people pleaser and the opposite end of the spectrum isn't all sunshine and roses).

Vintique · 28/10/2025 10:22

aw your son sounds lovely @TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis - also I didn’t mean to cast any aspersions on non-authoritarian parents of obedient and polite children, apologies if it sounded that way!!!

BertieBotts · 28/10/2025 12:13

Yes which I think is to do with the feeling powerful thing - it's basically a show of dominance.

It's very short term thinking, because I think the long term "success" of this kind of parenting depends very much on the DC's personality and to some extent the culture around them. And perhaps whether the parent is enacting their power in a somewhat "strict but consistent" way, like a drill sergeant or Victorian headteacher, or whether they are chaotic and explosive and unpredictable, like a violent drunk.

For example if authoritarian parenting is fairly normal in the general culture (e.g. US South today, or UK 1970s) then you might grow up and think well, I needed to be kept in my place, I was a child, now I'm an adult, I have earned respect from younger people. That's normal and it's the only way for adults to keep children in line.

Or if you were a fairly compliant child anyway then it can feel fair in a sort of childish logic - he did bad and got punished, but I am good and avoid punishment. He should just not do bad things! It's only really with adult perspective that we consider certain parental demands unreasonable. When you're a child most people just accept it as the norm, to the point some people work out in therapy what was normal and what their parents did/said/expected that was unreasonable.

If you have either of those experiences then you might grow up and either continue the same way or think well that was outdated, I'll do it differently but they were doing their best and not wrong.

But I think where it goes wrong, is if you have a child who struggles with the adult expectations in some way, e.g. a child who is very sensitive emotionally or just finds it hard not to express their own opinions/point of view or maybe struggles with something like self-organisation or physical skills or whatever it is. They can end up having an unfairly hard time because authoritarian approaches are very rigid with no flexibility, so they often end up rebelling ASAP when they get a tiny bit of power or freedom themselves.

This is where it's short term. But I think people who agree with authoritarian approaches don't see that their own method has caused the "rebellion" outcome - they are probably aware of children who grow up and go this way, but the assumption is either that the parent was not hard enough on the child to stamp that out, or the child was a bad person who has made bad choices of their own free will and after a certain point, a parent can't do anything about that.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/10/2025 12:17

Vintique · 28/10/2025 10:22

aw your son sounds lovely @TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis - also I didn’t mean to cast any aspersions on non-authoritarian parents of obedient and polite children, apologies if it sounded that way!!!

If anything, he's rather authoritarian about us following rules, I have to stand aside for strangers, and I expect to be forced to use a coaster any day now!

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