If you are a really strict/authoritarian parent, can you help me understand why?!

[OnlyFangs]

I'm currently dealing with my two children who hate spending time at their dads house because he is very strict /authoritarian, and also my daughter's friend who comes round here several evenings each week must to.escape her very strict mum

I guess I could understand being incredibly disciplinarian if a child has really difficult behaviour. But mine have always done chores, tidied their rooms,.kept on top of homework and just generally been good eggs without me ever needing to be strict. They know I care about education and being helpful and being kind. They always get glowing reports from school.

I guess I am not sure why people go down the incredibly strict /controlling route, and maybe it would help me to see the world from their perspective

I grew up with extremely authoritarian dad and it was awful and very damaging. Research seems to back this up- authoritarian parenting is disfunctional. it is not the same as having rules, people seem to be misunderstanding you on here (how unusual!)
Parenting is really hard for we all know, those that are extremely anxious can become controlling, it can easily mirror coercive control. I treat my kid with respect and give him as much autonomy as he can handle, we have a good relationship. I’m with you 0P, well done for raising happy kids and don’t be surprised when they start refusing to go to their dads., at which point obviously you will get the blame for alienating them or being too permissive🙄

https://parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting-style/

For instance, my step daughters mum said she would throw her comfort teddy (her most loved one) in the bin if she didn't finish every mouthful or her dinner. They have to finish every mouthful but are never allowed seconds or a snack (even fruit /veg /bread) if they are hungry.

That kind of thing

That’s not strict or authoritarian, that’s just crap and nasty.

Wow this is mine! Solidarity.

Yes I already faced that from both my ex once and I know he will try that line again. But I really am not permissive. They all respect bedtimes and chores and homework, they all come home when I ask them to and take part in family activities.

DC1 was becoming increasingly difficult to manage age 4. I was taking the approach of avoiding confrontation and gentle persuasion. A very good friend said to me that if you can't manage him at 4 it will be harder at 7, even harder at 11 and once he's a teenager impossible.
It was hard but I changed my approach.
As a pp said

You soon learn that you have to exert unflinching, military discipline, have an iron clad set of rules and follow through on every threat.

I did that and by the time he was 7 he was a model child. I still used "rules" because it worked but I very, very rarely had to do more than a gentle reprimand.

As others have already said there is confusion quite often between authoritarian and authoritative. The latter is what you want

Its ok to be strict and have firm boundaries, Im not sure where the narrative on line has come from that this is a negative thing and that all hell will break loose once the kids grow up. Very generally speaking children tend to grow up in the way they are parented. There will always be outliers and caveats to that but generally the apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

Of course we set boundaries. That's not being authoritarian. I think some people arent understanding what a. Authoritarian parent can be like.

At least we're not alone, eh!

I'm autistic, DS2- who actually is a far far easier child than is brother- is on the autism pathway, and I had always assumed that DS1 was NT. Nowadays....I'm not so sure. I do seem to spend a lot of time googling things like ODD and PDA....🤔 DS1 has also said he wonders if he might be ND, so I suggested we have a look at some of the online diagnostic quizzes as a first step....which of course, of course OF COURSE he refused to do 🤦‍♀️.

Do you suspect yours might be ND? or is it just sheer cussedness

See you are misunderstanding. There is a huge difference between having sensible rules and boundaries Vs ruling through fear and setting arbitrary rules just because you feel like setting them that day

Yet again on a thread about parenting, someone positing an example of abuse and linking it with strictness or authority and boundaries.

The difference to me is between sensible and fair boundaries Vs rules that seem to be in place for the sheer pleasure of having control over children

To me the distinction is between rules for their physical/mental wellbeing /the wellbeing of the family Vs rules just because you feel like having a rule about everything

There's a world between that behaviour and 'strict'

Quite!

Well, Cafcass said it was just "different parenting styles" 🤷‍♀️

That’s just pure nasty, but not authoritarian.

Thank you, this absolutely sums it up for me.
I have no issue with authoritative parenting whatsoever.

It's authoritarian parenting that I am struggling to comprehend. When it goes way past just sensible boundaries and guidance and is about controlling

It's the very definition of authoritarian. I think you mean it's not authoritative.

You're getting some weird replies on this thread OP, I think it was obvious you were not talking about a situation where children are very challenging and need stricter boundaries. That is understandable.

We all know or have read on here about parents who are unnecessarily strict and set arbitrary rules and dish out oversized punishments. I wouldn't see it just as a parenting choice but part a broader authoritarian personality, people who see the world in very black and white terms, believe in conformity more broadly, etc. Studies show correlation between authoritarian parenting and authoritarian political beliefs (emphasising that what most people are talking about here does not meet the definition of authoritarian parenting!)

This feels like abuse rather than authoritarianism. Forcing someone to eat, or denying them food when they are hungry would be seen as abuse if someone did it in a relationship. I don’t think you are using the right word. Controlling parenting or domineering parenting. Authoritarian parenting is fine, your examples aren’t.

Quite. Indeed I said in my op I understood that it might be necessary with some children with behavioural problems

And yes, it's about unnecessarily strict rules /harsh punishments with emphasis on the unnecessarily.

People!! Just google ‘authoritarian parenting’! It’s not the same as authoritative or even strict. It is characterised by high emphasis on obedience, criticism, and harsh punishment, combined with very little warmth or encouragement. I am surprised at the lack of knowledge here. If you’ve experienced parenting like this as a child, it is very recognisable!

DH was raised by an authoritarian DM (who controlled FIL as well). He wasn't allowed to do anything, or go anywhere - even a school disco. She even chose his school subjects and had a career carved out for him, and was surprised he fell in a heap. Punishment for small infractions of obedience were swift and painful..

The sad result was SIL ran away at 16 with her bf, and DH is emotionally stunted, and, I've realised, masks it publicly, but can't deal with real life at all. I have to manage everything. He also stays in a crap job, despite having a career with high earning potential, because he's unable to cope with a more dynamic environment. It was really damaging to be so controlled.

There is a difference between authoritarian and authoritative. I was/am the authority, I decided no cake for breakfast etc, but I would never order my kid around just to show her who’s boss.
Someone authoritarian dictates. That’s why we talk about authoritarian regimes. Someone authoritative is a teacher asking the class to be quiet/wash their hands etc.

I think your question, @OnlyFangs boils down to the way parents treat their children either like mini adults, or like … I don’t know what the word would be: oppressed side?!

Thank you, it's exactly as you described