Guilty about child’s screen use

[1wokeuplikethis]

My 10 year old child is super intelligent and does really well at school. Comes home, does homework, puts clothes away/tidies room and then only want to be on screens in one form or another until bed (except for eating dinner together when no screens are allowed/on).

one night a week they have a club, but every other night they just want to chill on the sofa either gaming, or watching YouTube (which I loathe)

They have a bedroom full of books, Lego, toys, a garden with equipment and games but it’s incredibly hard to encourage them to do something else. It coincides with me finishing work and needing to get tea going or just sitting down and having a scroll on my phone myself. But I feel so guilty, like my child is rotting their childhood away on crappy games/apps/tablets.

any suggestions on how to encourage putting the screen down? Or what else they could do? I’ve asked if they went to try any other clubs but they’re not interested.

i feel like I’m letting them down as a mum. That I should play games with them, or have a kick about outside together, or something else to encourage them but also, I am tired at the end of my work day and don’t especially fancy a game of chess, say. I’m just not sure how to find a good balance.

I wouldn’t worry too much on weeknights. Plenty of adults like to sit in front of the TV. What are your weekends like?

Take their screens away and engage with them to do some cooking / baking / drawing / Lego building / writing etc etc. they probably need to be led by example so it’s important you get amongst the activities too

Turn off the telly for an hour before bed and they can busy themselves with toys and screen free time. By then they should have plenty and be more open to doing other things and practice the art of being bored!

Is there some family TV you could watch together? Gameshows like Taskmaster bleeped or the kids version or something? Yeah it’s still screen time. But it hits differently than a kid sitting on their own watching guff on You Tube.

I wouldn’t be too keen to haul out a chess board or Monopoly either. But a quick game of hangman or some naughts and crosses would be achievable, increase a bit of connection and break up the screen time.

I put in limits. My two of a similar age have too much but I say screens away and one draws the other practises their hobby. I force the rule on myself as well! I’m reading more than I used to. One night we bake, I’m always tired but then glad we do it. Sometimes go out for a walk, they like nighttime walks.

Thank you for the replies - they make me feel less guilty and I like the idea of a quick game of hangman or a walk. I don’t think I have the patience to bake together.

weekends are full of sport, family games, walks etc and screen time is more if we watch a film together or something like the wheel.

When my kids were littlies, I did so much with them - games, toys, track building, baking, fun bath times, loads of reading but now they are older they need me less, but I don’t know if they remember us doing all those lovely things together or if they’ll look back on their childhood and remember roblox and funniest cat videos

I think I’ve let myself off the hook more as it’s so easy for them to go on screens so I’m trying to claw back good habits but it’s so hard as I’m so tired after work!

I haven’t got an issue with screens as long as they’re watching quality - brain rot type stuff and endless rubbish isn’t good for attention or brain development. Could you make it stuff that you watch together?

I would cut the YouTube crap it’s absolute brain rot.

Putting a film on the tv or an actual series etc would be alot better.

I don’t think it’s a big deal them having it every night however I would keep it until tea time and then afterwards make an effort for them to read, play in the room etc.

I'm ashamed to say but I told kids that if they watch something like a natural world documentary it won't count as screen time. Or god forbid the news or anything cultural or current affairs related.

I think you really do have to actively do something about this if you don’t want to submit to it, the pull is too strong for them otherwise. Have a dd the same age and thankfully she doesn’t yet really go on you tube or devices (though totally would if she could I’m sure!) but she’d watch tv / game constantly at home given half the chance. We have no screens in the mornings ever now. Switch after lunch one weekend day per week for an hour or so. IPad games on long journeys. And we kick her off the tv often, to do something else. The availability and amount on offer is relentless.

she used to have morning tv at weekends and holidays but only when I stopped this did she start properly reading to herself. Maybe some kids will naturally choose other stuff but many won’t. She also does quite a few more clubs. I personally think fewer clubs is fine, but not if it’s to sit around watching screens.

Book another couple nights for activities then don’t worry about it

The way I look at it is I work all day, I don’t want to come home and do more work.
my DC have clubs 2 night a week each and the rest of the time they watch tv (not YouTube) but usually colour or something at the same time.
It really doesn’t bother me, I relax by watching TV in the evenings so why shouldn’t they.

My DD9 and I agreed limits in terms of screen time (by which I mean tablet or device time) - so she can have 45 minutes per day in the week and 1.5 hours a day in school holidays/weekends. This excludes watching telly as a family as I agree it's a different and more communal experience. She will sometimes complain about being bored but quite quickly once in her room will find something to do, some art, read her book, play dates after school etc. She loves her Phoneix comic so once a week when that arrives that is always her priority. Can you agree between you what you think is reasonable and go from there? It's ok for them to be bored, they will find something to do.

Following op. I’m sure there’s lots of us!
Especially once they are teens.

We have similar and have actually just gone cold turkey on all screens. Done through a lot of collective discussion about this not being a punishment but an adventure to try something new so no fights about it. A week in and the kids are reading books and doing games instead. I’m sure this will show in their grades and attention spans.

This plagues me relentlessly, OP and we sound very similar. My son is doing so well academically and with his sport (trains 3 nights a week with matches on a Saturday), but given the opportunity would play Fortnite, Roblox or watch YouTube in every other spare second. I’m much stricter with YouTube, but I genuinely love hearing him laughing with his friends on Fortnite.

I wake up in the night with cold sweats over it all, and like you, we used to live the most wholesome life full of enriching activities. I still try to instigate games etc, but the push back I get just makes it feel exhausting.

I have taken a step back and accepted that I will just be removing devices for extended periods and he will have to find something else to do. I know it won’t be easy, but hopefully he will adjust over time as I want better for him.

I played a LOT on my Nintendo at his age and beyond, and went on to get an Oxbridge degree (I fully appreciate this sounds like I’m bragging, but it’s just to offer the perspective that it’s not necessarily all bad).

Similar for us although DDs have clubs two nights a week and after school club another two. But other than that, they do want to be on screens.

I've limited YouTube to just Fridays after school and Saturday mornings otherwise they would watch it all the time and it is brain rot.

They can watch what they like before 6pm but from 6-7pm it has to be something educational or that we can all watch together. Things like nature documentaries or a quiz show, last night we watched a cooking show. Then from 7pm until their bedtime it is TV off and we read, I read my book too or sometimes they'll go and draw.

I think it's important to have some ground rules around screen time otherwise it is too addictive.

Screens are literally designed to be addictive. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect the average 10yo to be able to resist them. I would discuss it together and agree an amount of screen use per day and then take the screen away when that has been done.

I have 4 kids (2 now young teens, theh are allowed a bit more now), 2 with asd and 3
2 with adhd who would go.on screens all the time if allowed.
We have very clear, unmovable rules.
When they were your sons age they had to have 3 days with no screens during the week. And a maximim of 2 hours on the other days. This means they were on screens for 8 hours a week.
This includes all screens apart from homework. So phone, iPad, Xbox, TV. If we all watch a film or tv programme together that isn't included as nice to do together but aom to do that once a week.
It has worked brilliantly for us. Not many arguments as everyone knows the rules. Before we were so strict they were on them all the time and couldn't concentrate on anything else when not.
Now they do lego, play games with us or together, read, do crafts, bake, play football in the garden. The older two organise going out with their mates to the cinema, ,or town or to play football or go clcjmbing. They also go to the gym, scouts and play rugby in a team.
So many of their friends spend hours on screens
Im.not against screens at all, I love a game of FIFA and am a bit of a Zelda fan. But not endlessly with nothing else. I fear that will have a generation thst struggle to do other things, move less, socialise less, do less new things. Some of their friends do nothing else but be on screens outside school.
I equally wouldn't want them to only read all day every day outside of school and never do other things. Variety is the spice of life. Especially when their brains are expanding so much.

On limits - I have just found that any amount of limits then causes fights where kids just want more and they are constantly bargaining etc. Only full cold turkey no devices has worked.

Funny my own mum did this - I was desperate for a mega drive or nintendo which all my mates had (and later a playstation) and she always held out and said no. I’m glad now she did

I think you are absolutely not a rubbish mum. Why? Because you have posted on here. I would let them just chill in front of the tv - I remember just watching cbbc and drinking nesquik after school until dinner which could have been two hours. you could perhaps limit YouTube if you cba but don’t worry if the battle
is simply not worth it! I’m a secondary school teacher in a very well to do private girls school and literally all of them watch YouTube and tiktok after school. They have other hobbies etc but that’s what they do mostly!

No shame - totally agree! It’s like eating haribo vs a delicious home made apple crumble. Both have time and place but one you can eat more of and feel very satisfied after 😂

I have one who spent all his leisure time on screens. His online skills have been very useful to him. Let yours find his own balance - its fine.

It's normal to want to relax with screens in the evening, I wouldn't feel guilty about that.

'Screen time' isn't all exactly the same though. Watching Tiktok or Youtube - you know it is terrible for him so I wouldn't allow that just for an easy life.

Watching a movie or TV show or gaming with friends - I don't really see the problem.