Older women on TikTok telling younger women not to get married...

[Monsteronthehill]

I'm finding this trend fascinating - mostly because it's not just women who have had divorces or are in unhappy marriages giving this advice - it also includes women who admit they are happily married but still saying don't do it.

So I was wondering. If you are happily married, would you tell a 20 year old woman that she should get married, too? I’m not trying to bash marriage, just interested in how attitudes are shifting. It seems like a big change from how older generations used to talk about it as being the best/only viable option. I do think women don't generally benefit from marriage as much as men do. There's of course the consideration that if you have kids and/or assets then being married is better financially for the woman should you split up, but I don't think this is what it's getting at here, just that marriage in general is a raw deal for women.

There is a worrying trend on tiktok for young women to get engaged or even married within a few months of meeting someone so as to flex that they beat the system of awful online dating and they're out of the danger zone like some kind of weird dating squid game trials. The romanitisation of being able to post a ring and a balloon arrangement within 3-6 months is going to backfire on probably around 80%+ of these couples and of that percentage, the women will absolutely come off worse. So that's why older women are saying not to bother.

I have to laugh at the sneering comment from the poster who doesn't know anyone in their 50's who uses tiktok 🤣 I'm 54 and use it, I don't follow anyone and just see where the FYP takes me, it's not a bad thing to have some knowledge of "popular" culture, when it's literally dictating the way the world is moving.

Unlike our younger counterparts we also still remember where the off button is as well as likely having full time jobs that keep us off our phones, so we get to dip in and out.

This pretty much nails it. I'm happy married and still (relatively) young, but buyer beware.

I'm also Australian and our laws support common law marriage much more than UK laws do, but I still view marriage as protection for women with children. Makes it harder for the father of the children to walk away and incentivises sticking together, although it's not a guarantee.

I think that survey mentioned upthread, that “married people are happier” is maybe because some single people surveyed felt like they are ‘missing out’ by not being married (like I sometimes feel I have missed out on running a marathon, I wonder what it’s like, and imagine it must be good but I’m not going to do it, no thanks!) if they surveyed people who are married, and people who were previously married and are now single, the results would be much more realistic.

I am married a long time and i agree the person you marry has an enormous impact on your life. Even if they are perfect for you at age 30, you change a lot by 80.

I was going to say ‘your needs change’ but marriage is about giving and forgiving every day, your needs are not the main priority anymore. It’s a marathon.

I think it very much depends on the person you marry. I know people say people change after marriage or when the kids come along and I did a bit. But tbh the people in my family you could tell were going to be devoted dads and good husbands were and the ones who you thought may be a bit selfish turned out that way.

I think we are often just blinded by love.

I'm 41, my husband is 43. We've been together for 20 years, married for 11. We don't have kids, through choice.

I love my husband. He's a good man. We met young and have grown up together and been through every up and down through life together. He adores me. Luckily, we still find eachother just as attractive now as we did when we met!

So that's the "soft" stuff.

When it comes to the practicalities, it's honestly felt like a slog at times. As the type A personality, the higher achiever, and higher earner, I've spent my life nagging, encouraging and cajoling my husband into being and doing more. More housework, more career progression, more saving, more DIY, more healthy eating...

Alone, I would have lived in a smaller home (I barely own anything, and he has loads of stuff), paid off the mortgage by now, have tonnes in savings, keep the place immaculate with barely any effort, eat really simple and healthy meals, and live a pared-back, peaceful lifestyle - and wouldn't have spent so much energy bringing someone else along for the ride.

He's wonderful and I love him and think we'll be together forever. I want his companionship when we're old. But I can't honestly say I'd advise a 20 year old to bother.

Married to DH for over thirty years. We have 3 DC together. Our parents (now deceased) were both married over fifty year. I advised (when asked) my now adult DC to marry before DC, if that's what they want.
I doubt (my only) DD will ever marry. She has no interest at the moment in DC and a fairytale wedding is her idea of hell. All of her aspirations concern career and travel.
DSs, one is married and an equal partner in all things with DW. They were together ten years before their wedding. They wanted to establish careers, travel and buy a home first. Their baby was born earlier this year and is the light of our lives. I wouldn't be surprised if she is our only GC.
DS2 is only 21 has been with his GF several years, no marriage or DC yet. Time will tell. I told them to try to be as sure as they could be and that life isn't a sprint (hopefully).
I thought marriage and DC were rights of passage and part of life's success. It isn't necessary to be happy, especially for a woman who doesn't plan DC.