Older women on TikTok telling younger women not to get married...

[Monsteronthehill]

I'm finding this trend fascinating - mostly because it's not just women who have had divorces or are in unhappy marriages giving this advice - it also includes women who admit they are happily married but still saying don't do it.

So I was wondering. If you are happily married, would you tell a 20 year old woman that she should get married, too? I’m not trying to bash marriage, just interested in how attitudes are shifting. It seems like a big change from how older generations used to talk about it as being the best/only viable option. I do think women don't generally benefit from marriage as much as men do. There's of course the consideration that if you have kids and/or assets then being married is better financially for the woman should you split up, but I don't think this is what it's getting at here, just that marriage in general is a raw deal for women.

You are doing life right!

Ive had my dd and i'm on this weight loss journey

Hopefully by mid 30s I will be where I need to be to start my journey of sleeping around 🤭🤭🤭

Someone could be in a job which will comfortably pay the bills by the age of 22/23. I'm not suggesting people drop out of education at 16 and look for a husband to have children with. What I do think is important is not making career and physical possessions the main goal in life. Not spending 60+ hours a week working and having no energy to put in to relationships.

I don’t know. Maybe if you have or want children. But honestly what does it actually change these days? I’m married. I married because I was told to for the kids, but if we divorced now im not sure what it’s accomplished for the kids anyway 🤣

so no, probably wouldn’t do it again.. unless he buys me more rings 🤣

And even then, only if he’s rich.

I wouldn’t recommend marriage. Yes good for raising kids and providing stability but in the long run no good for independent women who won’t want to be saddled with idle misogynistic men who don’t pull their weight and carry the mental load

marriage is good on death. And if you have kids, own a house and have a pension then it is a good tax planning to be married.

but otherwise I cannot recommend it after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids (I am the higher earner nowadays but also carry most of the mental load like sorting school uniforms, shoes, holidays and generally kid admin).

in my next life I would advocate for paying the extra tax on death and having a housekeeper and nanny instead of a husband!!!

And then when they’ve prioritised relationship and kids and end up separated (about half of the marriages), theyre told that it’s their fault if they are poor/not got a good job because PT etc etc…

Your work might not be defining who you are. But it certainly defines the kind of life you can have.

I know by experience that I would never advise a young woman to do Somethimg that will jeopardise her earning potential. Not her career (as in that’s what defines her) but her ability to walk away wo a backward glance or the ability to support herself and her dcs if she has any.

quick bit of research - his viewpoint was about how marriage benefits men more than women. In fact women are better off being single.

Research consistently shows that men benefit more from heterosexual marriage than women, especially in terms of health, financial stability, and overall well-being. Married men experience greater health improvements, live longer, and report higher satisfaction from marriage compared to their unmarried peers, largely due to the social and emotional support often provided by their wives. They also see boosts in income and social status.

For women, while there can be emotional support and improved financial stability in some cases, the advantages are typically less pronounced or come with significant trade-offs. Married women tend to shoulder more household and emotional labor, may experience wage penalties, and often report declines in happiness—especially if the marriage is not equitable. Women are also more likely than men to initiate divorce, which suggests that marriage may not meet their needs to the same extent.

In summary, heterosexual marriage confers greater overall benefits to men than women, particularly regarding health, longevity, and financial rewards, whereas for women the benefits are offset by increased labor, potential loss of autonomy, and, in many cases, decreased happiness.

What parts of 'marriage' are the ticktock trend women against? Is it the marriage only? or living with a man? or having children? what do they suggest instead?

I got married at 34 and had ds at just turned 37. In some ways I was lucky that I wasn't desperate for children so I was able to be choosy and genuinely willing to walk away from anybody who wouldn't be an equal parenting partner. I was, at that age, quite sure of what I did and didn't want in a relationship.

I know lone parenting is better than parenting with a bad partner but I still don't think it should be the aim. I would have HATED to do all this without a partner to share the load. Marriage makes it all simpler legally but we could have done all the paperwork to join our assets etc. without marriage. (A family member just got civilly partnered to avoid the party bit).

marriage is good on death. And if you have kids, own a house and have a pension then it is a good tax planning to be married.

I think it’s also good if you get ill/disabled. I think marriage tends to feel a bit safer vs a partnership where you can just move away iyswim

They're told it's their fault because we've moved towards a society that expects women to do it all. Have an amazing career, be an amazing mum, wife, friend, daughter.
I'd never tell a woman it was their fault, I would expect the father of their children to pay a decent amount of maintenance.
I agree to a certain extent with the earning power. I'd encourage any woman to get a good education and a job, but I would also discourage them from working additional hours and missing time with their family for the sake of buying expensive possessions or holding a certain status.

I think it's wider than just marriage or not. It's how society treats women. The expectations on women to be care givers and managers of family/home/children. Those expectations happen even without partners or marriages. Caring for aging parents is often done by daughters rather than sons etc.

I'd tell a 20 year old women to enjoy her life as much as possible before partners and children. To enjoy being "selfish" the kind that's just default for men like having hobbies. To have therapy and iron out any childhood stuff that can get in the way of a healthy relationship or picking potential partners.
To be financially secure and build her support network up. Especially if she plans to have children. To pick a partner wisely and have high expectations. To go into eveything with eyes wide open to the realities and always with an escape/pivot plan and fund.

Even then you could do with a crystal ball because shit happens and can come from nowhere. Partners can easily hide their true nature. Or life happens like having a child with additional needs and you're still in a tricky restricted situation even if you have a decent partner.

I am happily married (financially a good choice for me)to a good partner. It took work though. He particularly had to do lots of evolving/therapy. Having children has been hard. I have made many sacrifices that at 20 i absolutely wouldnt of signed up for.

So I wouldn't advise to not get married but to really think about the reality and what they want.

I never wanted any of it in my 20s i was to shy not a lot of confidence and an introvert.
When i hit my 30s around 34 something changed i felt more confident cared less what others thought (i dont care now).
And i really started to live passport tickets flights fun.
3some in japan once who cares im having fun living life.
Im a big girl no size 10 but hey love yourself more we start to shine.
Good luck with the weight loss.

My advice to my daughter is if she wants to gave children, why should get married first. Forming a legal partnership with her wife provides protections for both of them and makes it easier to plan for the child(ren)’s future. If she doesn’t want children, marriage still can provide some protections, but is less critical, because the risks are lower.

So instead of all this you shouldn't get married, why aren't we having lessons in schools for boys on housework and why they should be doing an equal share and how to treat women as they are not inferior slaves (which may well be the opposite to what they are learning at home) and making childcare actually free at the point of use so that women don't have to put their career on hold?

If there is the just don't marry and only think of going on holidays and not growing up message, we are going to have a population crash.

I would very strongly advise anyone who owns a property or other significant assets not to marry anyone who owns none. Irrespective of the age & sex of either party.

Women don’t have lessons on housework in school and yet we seem to manage it well enough when the time comes.

Because they are mistaking age for wisdom and a trend for insight ?

It's not always in women's best interest to get married - if she has assets is higher earner and dosen't want kids it's probably not- other times it can be very much to her benfit and any kids if the guy a good one.

I think educating young people that marriage has legal implications as well as social - then leaving them to work out what's best for their life and assume they are smart enough to make their own way including any mistakes without others insisting they know best - is way I'd go.

I think they'd spend their time better telling the Government to sort out CMS.

True, but it's still often seen as women's work and something that daughters are more likely taught than sons at home.

I'd advise them to think very carefully. Marriage is not romantic, it is a legal contract. It makes you liable for another person's debts and mistakes.

Marriage is only of benefit to lower-earning women who need a man in order to afford a home of their own.

There is no obligation on a husband to provide for a dependent wife, or for any children. No guarantee that a man will contribute to the shared home in any way, including effort. He can walk away at any time without penalty, leaving the woman to sort out the chaos he leaves behind.

He is under no obligation to deliver on any plans/promises, which makes marriage pretty valueless in my view. Worse, it creates a false sense of security.

It was my future grandmother-in-law who took me quietly to one side and advised me to think very carefully, to look again because she feared her grandson would make me unhappy. That was nearly 30 years ago so this is nothing new

This sums it up for me.

Absolutely ridiculous!!

Im 63 I think its fine to get married if you want to settle down, maybe buy a house, have children, start out in life together but if you are divorced or single and have assets I think it would be madness.
I want to leave everything I have to my DS not give it away to a new man. I have my own home, pension , savings and I could really mess up my retirement acting rashly.

Don't be ridiculous.

Avoiding marriage has protected me, protected my child, given us stability, security, safety, enabled me to give my ds a good life.

@PreciousTatas How do you balance your belief against the millions of children who are abandoned by their fathers or who have their childhoods made miserable by aggressive/violent/controlling men?

My F was loathsome. i would never tie myself to a man, or inflict another person on my child. Children don't get a say so it is up to mothers to protect their children and provide a loving stable home life. The only way to achieve that is to be self reliant and independent.

Let anyone else in, male or female, and that represents potential danger.