Older women on TikTok telling younger women not to get married...

[Monsteronthehill]

I'm finding this trend fascinating - mostly because it's not just women who have had divorces or are in unhappy marriages giving this advice - it also includes women who admit they are happily married but still saying don't do it.

So I was wondering. If you are happily married, would you tell a 20 year old woman that she should get married, too? I’m not trying to bash marriage, just interested in how attitudes are shifting. It seems like a big change from how older generations used to talk about it as being the best/only viable option. I do think women don't generally benefit from marriage as much as men do. There's of course the consideration that if you have kids and/or assets then being married is better financially for the woman should you split up, but I don't think this is what it's getting at here, just that marriage in general is a raw deal for women.

Lots of people saying they would advise to marry for protection. There is no protection unless you have endless funds to fight via lawyers and endless court dates. Lots of sahm don’t have access to those sort of funds.

Marriage benefits men far more than women. When men describe an ideal partner they’re often describing a slave.

I am mostly happily married. From what I have seen, women who do not insist on marriage before having children or if they want children play in to men’s hands in terms of lack of commitment. We see it all the time on MN.

When I was young, a man wanting all the benefits of marriage and wife work without wanting to marry you was seen as having a lack of respect for you and your family.

The only exception is when she holds more assets, and marriage can then become a risk if she isn’t careful.

There's no way I'd have a child with someone I wasn't married to. But once I'd had marriage and kids I'd never marry again as an older woman.

Tbh until I discovered Mumsnet, I would have said 'Sure, yes - get married. It's great!' as I'm happily married and have never had a relationship with a bad guy. I honestly didn't realise how many men and how many women were enduring relationships with awful men. It has certainly made me very sure that if I somehow found myself single I would definitely stay that way. Easy to say once you've had the children you want though.

This is complete nonsense, it’s widely known and documented that the happiest demographic of women are unmarried (and child-free).

I'm fairly happily married and wouldn’t hesitate to tell young women not to bother. There’s no need anymore.

Omg thank you, yes life is for living!

I feel the same! 33 now and ready to just bloody live!

I've so much anger for the people who trod me down and talked me out of enjoying my youth, but its time to move on (and enjoy any news about their suffering when it comes ofc!)

3some in Japan - why the hell not, hope it was fun! 🥰

Of course!! No point wasting your life on a brokie, its unlikely your marriage will be much better 😭

I think a lot of women are shocked by how no matter how progressive and equal your relationship is, and how feminist you are, once you’re married with kids you tend to fall into the same gendered bullshit. The majority of my educated, intelligent, career women friends still get shafted by their husbands when it comes to distribution of childcare, free time and housework. I do feel like this is something younger women need to be aware of.

"I, I, I...." Good for you, but other people might think the complete opposite and that's fine too, because we're all different. Being in one committed romantic relationships doesn't automatically equal prioritising all connections either, two completely separate things.

I've explained above why that particular survey is highly sus but at the end of the day whether you're in the majority/minority on any topic doesn't matter, as long as people do what's right for them.

Even if 99% of people surveyed said lemon cheesecake was the best dessert it wouldn't make sense for me to choose it if I prefer chocolate gateaux, and I don't understand why the lemon-lovers take it personally or act as though it somehow invalidates their dessert preference - if anything you think they'd be happy that my different preference means there's more cheesecake for them.

If I was still married to my first husband, then yeah 😂 I’d be telling younger women to go off, live their life without the constraints of an extra thing to look after 😂

Now I’m married to DH? My life is all the better for having him in it.

I don’t think it’s the marriage itself that’s the issue….its the flavour of man.

we're already having a population crash and it's too late to stop it, as are pretty much all western nations and many of the east. I don't think 'housework lessons for boys,' are going to magically triple the birth rate.

Well what advice would we give our daughters? I’d say sort your finances, but yes definitely get married and particularly if you are going to have children. Much safer.

No wonder we need so much house building when there are so many singletons. It’s barmy.

The thing is, it is not about marriage, it is about putting in some basic financial support if you choose to have children

It is much easier physically and financially if children are raised by more than one adult and marriage provides the only legal support structure for that. Obviously the marriage needs to be between two adults who are willing to work together and not between ane adult and an adult child, which many of men seem to be. Nonetheless, telling women not to marry is terrible advice if they want children

As for me, since having DS, my life would be infinitely worse and more difficult without DH in it so, although if he died I don't think I'd marry again now that DS is grown, I certainly don't regret marrying.

Having another adult alongside as a partner in parenting is a privilege and a type of joy, albeit one sprinkled with many moments of irritation and friction. It is the stuff of life and I can't regret that at all.

Well actually, it depends. This has not turned out to be the case for me. And no, I'm not the higher earner, far from it!

This entirely depends on the circumstances. As a woman now leaving a marriage to a man child who earns significantly less than me and contributed significantly less in most ways you can think of, it has not protected me. It’s meant I am bankrolling a man child with 50% of the house I’ve paid for and my pension.

I have to say even as an unhappily married woman going through a divorce I’m still pro marriage overall but would say selecting a partner is incredibly important.

And I’m not sure I’d recommend marriage to a woman if she earned more.

This. So true.

I know there are women who’s sex drive explodes during menopause but for the majority of women (see relationships board etc etc) they couldn’t be less interested and then they start to want their life back, their interests back. They’ve given their lives to raising a family and they’re tired of it. It’s such a common thing. It’s why so many older women choose being single and living alone with cats.

I’m happily married to a man I met when I was 36. Prior to that I had a short marriage to one of the many dickheads I dated, because it was what everyone was doing at the time and it seemed like what I should do.

So I would tell a young Woman not to get carried away by what society or peer groups suggest, but to make sure that she’s SURE and that the conversations about finances, child care, child rearing, future goals etc are had at length before committing. It’s not to say that a Man won’t go back on his word, god knows many do, but I know many women who’ve married and/or had kids with someone seemingly without ever discussing those things, and then had a shock that their Man thinks kids are Women’s work.

I’d also advise that she see some of the world and have experiences and build a solid circle of her own friends beforehand (and not to let go of the latter for love!).

id advise them not to get married and not to have children. I have 2 dc, but the happiest people I know are child free!

In suppose in the same way, think carefully about who you have children with, and whether to have more than one. I love my children infinitely, but I’m not sure my life is better for having them. There has been a good decade of my life given over to exhaustion and drudgery (and lack of career progression).

How old are these “older women”?
I don’t know anyone my age (fifties) who uses tiktok.

I am very happily married and would encourage other women to marry also, but I would advise them to chose their partner very wisely!

If there is the just don't marry and only think of going on holidays and not growing up message, we are going to have a population crash.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I’ve told my girls and boys this.

To the contrary I don’t think this is a trend at all, at least not a popular or visible trend.

I’m in my 20s and I would say it’s much more common to see relationship-specific content and romanticising engagement/marriage/babies on TikTok. Most people would never find contrarian views unless they seek it out, then your TikTok algorithm will change to show that. But if you never seek that content out, TikTok will default to the opposite.

I would say go enjoy your twenties however you want but realise who you are, not just marrying because it’s the done thing. I’m divorced I loved the security of marriage and I would do it again but only if I was 110% sure.