Do you ever shout at your children? Is it okay to do that?

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I grew up in an extremely aggressive household, and teachers were aggressive in school too. I'm very conscious about not replicating my childhood for my son (3 years old) because I think it was damaging.

I'm very chilled out and hardly ever tell my son off. However, sometimes, I can't help but shout at him. I told him off yesterday, for example, because he was messing with a plug socket 😲 But I always feel terrible afterwards.

My internal barometer is so off as to what is normal given my upbringing. I know that lots of people do 'gentle parenting' and basically never tell their kids off. And then others tell their kids off on a daily basis, and there's a school of thought that it's necessary for learning boundaries.

So what do you think is okay? How does it work in your household?

There a way of being firm without shouting. Just make the boundary clear and words simple, keep the tone of your voice low. Move on to something else …

I very rarely shout. When people shout at you, it doesn't help you to listen and focus on what they're saying. It just scares you. Little children are no different.

Most people are ok with shouting if your child is in danger.

so for example, if they are running into the road then shouting “stop” is perfectly reasonable and most people will do it.

beyond that, toddlers are bloody annoying. In general shouting isn’t helpful but sometimes you reach the end of your tether.

as others have said, a calm firm voice is better if possible!

You seem to be confusing telling a child off with shouting and being very strict.
Telling a child off and having boundaries and consequences is the basic standard for any type of parenting, including gentle parenting.

As for shouting , I rarely do it, but I have done it and probably will again. In most cases it was warranted.

I don't ever shout at mine. My parents used to shout at me and I hated it. I still remember being frightened by it. I don't personally think it's necessary, respectful or helpful.

That's not to say I don't hold firm boundaries though, because I do. I just do it without shouting. If one of my children was trying to play with a plug socket I would say 'don't touch, not safe' and physically remove them from the location.

Kids are teens now but it read known to happen when they were younger. I think as long as its not constant enough to put them on edge it's not an issue. DH's parents were shouty and aggressive and he could be too loud with the kids, which I think has left our oldest wary of him, even though youngest has been the recipient of more of it.

I shouted seldom but the effect of that was they did take notice when that happened because it was rare!

It's not ideal but it's also not terrible pr abusive if it just happens once in a while..I think it bring frequent and unpredictable is when it's an issue.

Raising your voice, changing the intonation to get across that this is serious and disciplining is important. Then there is shouting which is borderline abusive and no I wouldn’t think that’s right.

Yep. I think most parents do at some point. They f course it’s not the best thing to do and not helpful (unless eating if immediate danger) but I’m human and it happened.

I grew up in a house where everyone shouted in arguments or minor disagreements. I had a lightbulb moment at a friend's house when I was about 15 and the parents had a disagreement in a calm and chilled speaking voice. It made me realise you don't need to shout to get your point across.

I tried really hard to only shout at mine if they were in danger of getting hurt because then they associate that shout with stop and think about what you are doing.

You need to put boundaries in place which does include telling your child not to do something or tell them when they did something wrong. Toddler years are hard, so much redirection, affirming their feelings but with boundaries like saying I can see you are frustrated with that toy but we don't throw it. We can throw balls though, shall we go into the garden and throw some balls? <whilst internally counting to ten and wondering when this phase will be over>

A lot of school aged children will say a teacher shouts when what they mean is that the tone of the teacher has become stern. There is a difference. Shouting is, I feel, about volume. You can be cross without shouting, it is all in the tone.

I wouldn't shout at young children, no. However if he was playing with a socket a loud no and brief explanation that they're dangerous is appropriate.

I do however sometimes shout at my older kids and teen (one has a tendency for being quite stroppy and back mouthing), that's after the many times I asked nicely and politely. I do always apologise if I shout and also explain what made me exasperated and that we need to work together as a family, otherwise it will all be chaotic.

I would not recommend shouting at young kids. Absolutely not. It's abusive.

I abhor gentle parenting and believe kids need firm clear boundaries and communication and lots of love at all time. They need to learn that they can't always get their own way and that this ok and safe, the world won't end. Children need to learn to tolerate normal distress and frustrations. Parents of 0-5 year olds atm, sometimes act as if the world must revolve around their young offspring and their family.

I saw a dad lift his baby's whole pushchair up by the roadside so the child could press the pedestrian crossing button right next to a stream of buses and lorries. It was risky and unnecessary. If he’d slipped or the pram had tilted, it could easily have fallen into the road and caused a serious accident.
It’s a good example of how some parents let everything revolve around their very young kids, even when it’s unsafe or impractical. There’s nothing wrong with involving children in small moments, but there’s a time and place. Pressing the button can wait until they’re old enough to stand beside you safely.

'I abhor gentle parenting and believe kids need firm clear boundaries and communication and lots of love at all time. '

What you're describing here is gentle parenting.

Yes. Shouting doesn’t help.

Yes. Being ignored repeatedly / sleep deprived / making sure I wasn't late for work etc meant I would shout. I was also menopausal when mine were younger which didn't help.

Ideally I would just shout when they are in danger, but that’s already 17 times a day because according to mumsnet I am a weak modern parent. (According to the OT etc I am doing great).

And then I also lose my shit a few times a month.

I tried not to but occasionally would lose my shit and yell when they were being little fuckers. I’m only human.

Same @Alpacajigsaw. I never intended to shout at them- it wasn’t a planned strategy. But it did happen- not every day, probably not every week. But now and then I would lose my shit. I know now that my mental health wasn’t very good, but I didn’t realise it at the time. I also think I am ND and am waiting for an assessment. Again, that wasn’t ’on my radar’ at the time.

I regret it but I have forgiven myself. My children are young adults now and the last time I shouted at them was many years ago. We all love each other very much. My Mum also shouted at me when I was a child from time to time (and very occasionally smacked me). She was an excellent mum. I adored her and I miss her.

I try not to. My husband on the other hand thinks it's just parenting. 🤷

Actually it does , if used sparsely. Sure , if you shout all the time it becomes just background noise and more of the same. Otherwise, it sends an instant/urgent message to the child that they need to stop . Now. If you’re ever in the need of that , it’s a good tool to have .

I shout more than I would like. I grew up in a very shouty household too, and I sometimes find it hard to regulate my emotions when under stress/ sleep deprived/ etc. When I do shout, I apologise afterwards. However, there are times when you need to be firm. I think what one person considers "shouting", another might consider just raising their voice to be heard - like if a kid is about to run into the road, or playing with something dangerous. Kids do need clear boundaries and occasional telling off when they cross them.
Now that my kids are pre-teens, and shout at me, I find it hard not to shout back after listening to that for a while!

I'm a big bloke with a very deep voice. When I shout it scares the shit out of people, even when it's not a shout born out of anger. So I learnt very quickly as a teenager that shouting is always counter productive.

I have shouted precisely three times as an adult, and every single one was because DD was about to do something stupidly dangerous, and I needed her to stop that exact second.

It's entirely possible to discipline your child by being firm, without needing to raise your voice. But there are also rare times when shouting is needed.

No, it's ordinary. Nothing gentle about it, just basic mutual respect and being involved. I also discipline my kids, which gentle parents don't do, I shout sometimes (not when they were little). Teenagers are another topic altogether, what worked when they were small doesn't now. Different approaches are needed based on the teenager. Gentle parenting is such a silly expression anyway. I see permissive parents who teach their poor dc that they never have to wait, never experience frustration or unfairness and they are the centre of the universe, because they themselves find it unbearable to see their kids go through these normal life lessons. Extremely unhelpful and doesn't teach resilience or self regulation.

This - best saved for preventing them doing something dangerous potentailly lethal in immediate future.

Discipline doesn't need shouting - it needs a look or a firm tone of voice.

I wouldn't want a 3 year old playing with a socket - hopefully a firm no never ever do that would suffice but if he was sticking something in live wall plug socket - I'd shout if any fear occured I would hope it prevent any kind of reoccurance later when I may not have such direct eyes on them.

Are there any parenting classes to help you with your confidence nearish to you OP - as frankly kids tend to be happier with boundaries and certainty and that tends to need disciple and rules.

I don’t shout. I had enough drama growing up to know how terrifying it is to be shouted at as a child so I simply don’t do it to my children.
Distraction works better when they’re younger. Persuasion or bartering as they get older. Set tasks with a reward at the end. I do threaten to remove technology and rarely need to follow up. But I have a couple of times and that’s enough to create behaviour change. My teenagers are both well behaved lovely people as they’ve had boundaries set and consequences if need be.
My friend on the other hand has a spoilt brat who at 21 still screams and shouts at her as this is what my friend has done to her. No boundaries ever.
Kids repeat the behaviours they see.
Caveat that I’ve mostly raised my DC’s myself so I’ve not had a partner to undermine me which is a problem a lot of mums have.

I shout if my DD is putting herself in danger, or another child/person/animal. For example, she (age 3) threw a toy accidentally at a friend's one year old. Even though I think it was an accident, both me and DH simultaneously shouted at her. She was a little upset, but then took a huge amount of care to make sure she didn't throw things at the one year old for the rest of the day, and hasn't thrown anything at younger children since.

Imo it's necessary to enforce boundaries.

I always remember a post on here with a mum with a five year old who kept beating their two year old - and had even left their younger sister with scars etc. The younger sister was constantly scared in their own house. Imo that's bad parenting - I would shout so much if my DD hurt her baby sister. Thankfully all I've needed is to say "be gentle" and my older DD has been great so far. Probably because she knows I'd shout if she deliberately hurt her sister.