Do you ever shout at your children? Is it okay to do that?

[PassportPhotosAreHorrific]

I grew up in an extremely aggressive household, and teachers were aggressive in school too. I'm very conscious about not replicating my childhood for my son (3 years old) because I think it was damaging.

I'm very chilled out and hardly ever tell my son off. However, sometimes, I can't help but shout at him. I told him off yesterday, for example, because he was messing with a plug socket 😲 But I always feel terrible afterwards.

My internal barometer is so off as to what is normal given my upbringing. I know that lots of people do 'gentle parenting' and basically never tell their kids off. And then others tell their kids off on a daily basis, and there's a school of thought that it's necessary for learning boundaries.

So what do you think is okay? How does it work in your household?

I think you are right - that I'm using that method. I'm incorrectly using the term by the sounds of things.

I live in a hippy area where a lot of people don't seem to discipline their children at all, and as a consequence, they have badly behaved children. So when I think 'gentle parenting' I think of them, but that's obviously not the right thing.

I think that's the problem - the disproportionate guilt. And then I think 'well, I do need to discipline him so he'll progress/ fit in, in the world' but my own childhood messes up for me, where the line is, and how to go about it effectively/ respectfully.

Whenever I tell him off, I imagine him in therapy in twenty years time, talking about what a bitch his mum was 😲

It’s really hard if you were raised in a dysfunctional family to know what is normal. You have to work it out for yourself, which takes a bit of trial and error. It’s important to have your standard as ‘good enough’ though. I had a bad childhood and because of that was trying too hard, holding on too tightly, being too perfectionist with my own kids, which ironically probably made me a worse mother than I could have been!

I think the times I've shouted are like this, when I've felt overstimulated or under threat (when pregnant or with small baby). DS went through an awful hitting phase where he'd be very physical during tantrums which coincided with a tough pregnancy. I did lose my rag a few times and I don't think it's ideal but we are human.

Occasionally but very, very rarely. I grew up in a shouty households and hearing shouting gives me really horrible flashbacks, PTSD I think - I just clam up and go in on myself. If I shout (which honestly almost never happens), you know I have officially reached the end of my exceptionally long tether. I’m not short tempered so it really takes a lot. I have shouted out of shock when DC were young and doing something stupid and life threatening e.g running towards a road, eating a coin…

@PassportPhotosAreHorrific You can tell a child off for doing something wrong without having to shout.

Shouting a lot desensitises them so they don't react when it is urgent and you are trying to save them from hurting themselves. Reserve the shouts for when they are about to do something truly dangerous like run into the road or shove their wet hand in the toaster.

The thing is, he needs telling off. Otherwise how would he know /learn that something is wrong? Kids don’t intrinsically know that. They learn by trial and error, getting wrong , being told it’s wrong and in an age appropriate way being explained why it’s wrong and what is actually expected of them.

Imagine how confusing it must be for some kids to suddenly go to school/groups/playdates (any social setting really) and getting in trouble and not knowing why.

This thread is making me wonder how often other kids run towards the road and similar. Between my two kids that is at least 4 times a day, then a few yells for extreme violence at each other and maybe another one for climbing a dangerous curtain/hot stove and I might have shouted more in a standard day than some here have shouted in their lives.

(and yes I know I need supernanny. I don’t have her but we do occupational therapy and get help from the school and I keep on trying)

If you’re loving parents, then the child isn’t going to be scared as in actually fearful for their safety. One of my parents was a proper angry shouter (and also delivered corporal punishment), so I was scared of him when he shouted. The other was the absolute master of the stern headteacher voice but was always loving and never physically punished me. When she did the stern teacher voice, experience told me that she wasn’t going to actually do anything horrible to me, so I knew I was safe. But I did realise I was in big trouble and that whatever I had done was something never, ever to repeat. Proper shouting, ranting parent sounded out of control, so I didn’t know what was coming which was scary, whereas stern teacher parent sounded fully in control- she was making an active choice to use that voice instead of just completely flying off the handle, so I knew what was coming was a firm telling off and a consequence. I’m sure I wasn’t delighted about it, but I certainly wasn’t frightened.

IMO it does no harm for them to think ‘oh shit I’m in trouble’ if they’ve done something that warrants it, like hitting a sibling when they think you’re not looking or sticking a knife in a plug socket. Some kids (like my DS) need the very firm tone to understand that this is something he needs to pay attention to and remember for the future because mum’s voice says she is cross/afraid/whatever. If I delivered ‘don’t stick that knife in the plug socket’ in the same tone as I delivered ‘please don’t leave your sweet wrapper on the sofa’ then he wouldn’t get the message that it’s a really, really big deal. Maybe some kids would, but not mine!

Agree.

Shouting because you've lost your rag or anything that involves a verbal emotional dump on a defenseless child isn't ok.

Shouting to get an important point across (safety, completely outrageous behaviour) is acceptable. Don't overuse the shouting though, or it will lose its impact.

Shouting isn’t really ok.

It triggers a nervous system response, and while that’s fine in an actual danger situation, it’s awful on a day to day basis, on a par with smacking. It also doesn’t work well as a parenting technique. You just shout more and more.

I turned into a shouter when my dc were small. I wouldn’t smack them but I quickly realised I didn’t actually have good tools and strategies for parenting. And I clearly didn’t have the right temperament to just let them run wild. This book Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting was exactly what I needed - simple strategies to be firm, consistent and positive.

Before I read that I joined the Orange rhino challenge to break the shouting habit. I started small, with 1 day and 3 day goals and I used to take the dc out for a treat every time I hit my target. It made such a difference to how I parented because I had to focus on my triggers, instead of just thinking it was their fault I yelled, and find better ways to get the job done.

Ds is autistic and that has been very challenging but the tempo of our household shifted from frenetic to being calm, warm and kind. There isn’t the edge of fear that dh and I had towards our dps growing up but the dc were beautifully behaved.

That looks really interesting @GooseyGandalf thanks for taking the time to explain it all. I'll look into it 🙏🏻

Yes if they are in danger/far away