Do you ever shout at your children? Is it okay to do that?

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I grew up in an extremely aggressive household, and teachers were aggressive in school too. I'm very conscious about not replicating my childhood for my son (3 years old) because I think it was damaging.

I'm very chilled out and hardly ever tell my son off. However, sometimes, I can't help but shout at him. I told him off yesterday, for example, because he was messing with a plug socket 😲 But I always feel terrible afterwards.

My internal barometer is so off as to what is normal given my upbringing. I know that lots of people do 'gentle parenting' and basically never tell their kids off. And then others tell their kids off on a daily basis, and there's a school of thought that it's necessary for learning boundaries.

So what do you think is okay? How does it work in your household?

Pre kids - absolutely not. We have a relationship built on mutual respect. Children shouted at all the time ignore it anyway and have increased aggression. I will use my teacher voice and not hesitate to be stern and firm but I won’t shout.

Nearly five years down the line - yes, sometimes I do. Mostly it is justified given that everyone ignored me asking politely the first seven times. Occasionally it is not and I own that too. They still love me and I love them. No one in this house was the middle man at cavalry and we all get stuff wrong.

I grew up with constant shouting and screaming, it was completely normalised in my family home. What makes me so angry about it as an adult is having my own child and realising how easy it is to stay in control and not behave like this. I can’t can honestly say I have never come close to shouting at my child. I will never understand why my parents chose to behave the way they did. It goes against every instinct as a parent. The only thing I can think to explain is severe emotional immaturity on their part. I went to a Halloween party with my child on Saturday and a parent kept losing control and shouting at her child, bearing in mind this was an event for SEN children who are likely to find sudden loud noises distressing. I honestly don’t know what planet this woman thought she was on, blows my mind 🤯

My kids picked up a term in school which I think is helpful - it’s about using a ‘strong voice’ rather than shouting. So still authoritative, different from normal times, indicative that you are saying something VERY important - but still in control, calm and rational.

I have properly shouted a few times. Mostly when sleep-deprived and at the end of my tether. I always apologise and try really hard to avoid repeating. Having said that I would say I ‘shout’ most days in the sense that I shout up the stairs things like ‘for the ten millionth time it’s lunch time come down now!’ or I use a stern, slightly ranty voice when they have done something they shouldn’t. So if you mean scary loud shouting directly at the kid that is a thing I think you shouldn’t do (though I have on occasion because I’m human). If you mean being stern or frustrated or yelling down the garden, I think that’s pretty normal.

But what about when you’re working on 2 hours sleep and you’re holding the newborn and the four year old will not get out of the bath/let go of your leg/throws a toy in your face? In these circumstances I would say you should try to hold it together but I wouldn’t say it’s ‘easy’ at all. I completely agree that shouting shouldn’t be normal but I don’t think it’s helpful to imply that it’s always easy to be calm.

This is reassuring, sounds like most people on this thread behave as I do - mostly respectful and aspiring to be better than our parents. But with the occasional regretful outburst, or a strategic firmer tone time to time.

Agree with pp that it's really odd looking back at aggressive parents - I am similarly calm with DS 99.9% of the time and I can't understand why my parents were constantly exploding. Such peculiar behaviour, on reflection.

I was brought up by very shouty (and also smacked!) parents, mother in particular. So I was determined not to do the same to my children. I think I’ve shouted twice, both in relation to road safety!

I have found though that a stern voice with a firm “no” which I do use when the occasion warrants it, gets referred to as shouting by the children! Even though it isn’t. Possibly because they haven’t been shouted at so don’t know the difference.

I’d use the stern “no” in relation to the plug socket and swiftly remove from that area. I do think some of my children’s friends have never been told “no” though.

I think the difference between my upbringing and being a parent now is that I have the ability to reflect on my behaviour and I would also apologise if I felt I’d got it wrong. I cannot imagine my parents ever reflecting on their behaviour or apologising.

It isn’t ok but I don’t think it’s a problem very occasionally. I remember roaring “enough!” At my children, and then telling them I was going upstairs, and that they weren’t to leave the table until they’d resolved their differences. They did, and my ears recovered. They laugh about it now.

'Gentle parenting' wasn't invented when I had my kids, at least it didn't have a name. I didn't do shouting because I grew up in a shouty house and it was awful. I did use a firm voice when necessary, and instilled strong boundaries. I also have a 'look' I'd give them that always worked, and it still does the trick according to my now 30-something DC.

I have due to extremely difficult circumstances and not coping. I realised it was wrong and sought help and changed my parenting. Also apologised to them.

Almost never raise my voice now.

I have twice sharply tapped my younger son's hand - once when he was two. He was a bolter and we'd done a lot of work about 'not running away from mummy at Schipol airport, we must always hold hands'. He bolted and I only just caught him before he was out of sight - he's fast. He got a very sharp tap on the hand then which shocked him, but damned if I'll apologise. Alone in Schipol is not a situation you ever want a 2 year old to be in. The second was another incident of running into the road into oncoming traffic, again after a lot of work around it.

I didn’t say it’s easy to be calm, I said it’s easy to make the choice not to behave in an explosive and out of control way. I am a parent so obviously have been in situations that are testing and frustrating and it still blows my mind how anyone can lose it to the point they are aggressively shouting at a child. If you aren’t finding this point of view helpful and you would rather hear ‘there there it happens to the best of us’ scroll past because I can’t relate 🙏

A raised voice / and if they are doing something very dangerous that could be shouting with the purpose of shocking the child / all fine. So yes - playing with the socket is a shout at offence / they should be terrified as a result

if a shout wouldn’t shock them into stopping you are probably raising your voice too often

children ( and to be fair adults too ) need to hear the emotion not just the words - most communication isn’t NOT the words you use

you do get docile children and you do get terrified children who will never hear a raised voice but a raised voice or a shout has its place in human communication

Gentle parenting does involve discipline. Not hitting, shouting or anything like that (which I'm assuming is not what you mean either), but discipline in the form of holding boundaries firmly and giving appropriate consequences where necessary.

Anyway - regardless of what you want to call it, almost everything you've said in description of your own parenting (respect, involvement, love, boundaries, discipline) is gentle parenting, so really whether you like the name or not, you're doing it.

'Gentle parenting' is a poor name to be honest, it is off putting to lots of people who are actually doing it because it sounds so wishy washy.

I don't shout, but that's because I've mastered the art of the "I will throw you off a bridge in a bag if you don't pack it in" voice, tone and facial expression popular amongst scary headteachers. And honestly got very lucky with the general obedience level of the children. One of my friends demons children require the odd ten million decibel bellow and she's honestly a much more patient and calm parent than I am. She just got very "spirited" children.

I don't think you're going to scar your kids for life if you do shout at them. Sometimes they can be little turds. As long as you're not perpetually yelling about everything you're fine. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, and as parents we have to accept that we will fuck up some things, and forgive ourselves for them.

Well fair enough. You can make the choice not to behave in a shouty way but it doesn’t mean you’ll always succeed. That depends on your personality and circumstances.

To shout to alert them to danger is helpful to them. They will be scared to do the dangerous thing again.
to make them comply or be afraid of other rules I’m less keen on

I wrote a post called aibu to think we don’t shout at other peoples children and lots of interesting views were shared there!

I try hard not to shout (or speak in an exasperated voice etc) I try to be strict enough but calm.

I’ve shouted on occasion- like when DC released herself from car seat while I was driving - because she needed to know that was highly unacceptable.

Would never shout about minor stuff though

Yes if it’s something dangerous and DD isn’t listening then I’ve shouted. I mean there’s a difference between raising your voice and being firm and losing your shit like a psycho.

Rarely. Can easily count on both hands the number of times I’ve shouted in almost 10 years. Always apologise after. It’s usually when I’m running on empty, and behaviour / not listening has just pushed me over the edge. But it doesn’t help anyone or resolve anything. Just makes me feel shit. I’m only human though,

Stern voice/ face I probably deploy monthly. Usually about not listening the first 57 times something was asked of DS.

I grew up in an abusive house where shouting, swearing and physical/ emotional abuse were very normalized, so understand why you’re confused. I often am too, and feel disproportionate guilt about relatively minor parenting fails.

I do wonder if the stern head teacher “ I will throw you off a bridge” is any less harmful than the raised voice / shout given. The end effect is the same - a scared child

not that children should never be scared - just not 100% convinced it’s better - although if you can manage it then I guess you haven’t lost control - which is where it is dangerous?

I have shouted but I do try not to and try and apologise if I do. I think that's ok, we are only human. I don't think having a shouty household is OK or using it as a discipline technique.

On a side note: I wish people on mumsnet would take 5 minutes to learn the difference between gentle and permissive parenting!

I think in the context of loving parenting, the child isn’t going to be scared- they’re going to know that they’ve crossed a line and must stop/ correct their behaviour.

I am very much on the gentle parent end of the spectrum (in the true sense, not the misunderstood sense that it’s about never correcting children etc) and believe wholeheartedly that it’s impossible to always effectively parent through positive reinforcement. Sometimes you have to show that you’re disappointed / displeased. We don’t live in a society that operates through positive reinforcement, so raising children without EVER exposing them to a negative parental emotion, sets them up for failure IMO.

I don’t really think that shouting is a helpful way to parent. It’s better to speak firmly but calmly. But I have lost my rag many times with dc and shouted, it’s not something I’m proud of but I think it’s fairly normal when you are stressed and overwhelmed. We are all only human.

I think it’s child dependent / many a child won’t care that you sound disappointed- for others that is as bad as being shouted at - they feel it the same way.

I guess I am wondering how much the process of learning and correction is the hard bit as opposed to the method used to deliver ?

( out of control anger isn’t teaching though under any definition)

and safety things - well there isn’t time to mess around