Does my husband's behaviour sound familiar to anyone?

[yesmother]

When I met my husband he told me that he's always believed he is a bit autistic or AHDH. Please don't pick on the incorrect use of language that he or I may be using here.

These are the kinds of things he does - very much likes a routine and if he has to diverge from that then he gets edgy. Eg going on holiday . When we meet up with people he seems over excited initially and often ends up making some silly comments about me ( to divert attention from himself?) He often talks over me when in company and butts in a lot. He sometimes makes inappropriate jokes eg slightly smutty. He often starts to answer on points that I am making before I have even finished. If he is unable to do something eg find something or use his phone properly he will be snappy with me, then say I am snappy when I retaliate. He is very poor with any kind of instructions written or verbal eg recently he went with a shopping list but only bought the things I had imaged and didn't read the text. He is very defensive about anything he does. Eg if you say did you put the dishwasher on , you won't get a simple yes or no. He is an older man retired from a successful business career. He was physically punished by his mother a great deal when he was a child as opposed to his sister. Any thoughts please?

Not sure about AHDH or ADHD.

Sounds more like PITA to me.

Well I knew I would get unhelpful comments like this or LTB. Thanks for your input.

He sounds like a knob to be honest.

Any redeeming qualities?? If not, you have been sentenced to the lifetime of misery. No adhd here, pure disrespect towards you.

If he thinks he may have autism or ADHD he needs to go get an assessment. Internet strangers, including this one who is trained to actually assess for those conditions, can't diagnose your husband with a neurodevelopmental condition based on a few descriptions of annoying behaviours, some of which sound like your typical male learned helplessness bullshit anyway. Even if he does have autism, ADHD or both, those things do not provide a catch all explanation for annoying behaviour.

Sometimes it's neurodivergence. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes he's just a bit of a twat. Sometimes both.

Being a knob and being neurodiverse are not mutually exclusive. I think he uses his self diagnosis as an excuse for behaving as he does.

I'm going to say he does sound a bit Adhd, aniexty is part of it so the stupid comments, crap jokes etc all sound like blurting stuff out due to aniexty. The shopping list thing sounds the same. Hyper focused on the image, forgot to read the list.

Ah. I didn't realise self diagnosed. Maybe he is just a knob.

People are arseholes, OP and I don't mean your husband. If he has adhd/ asd he's likely had to put up with a lifetime of the above. No much wonder he's defensive, it's exhausting and a diagnosis won't help others develop empathy. It will simply justify prejudice.

Yes, it could well be adhd or asd. Does it make a difference? He is who he is. The question is how the two of you are able to navigate your mutual needs.

Classic ADHD by the sounds of it.

Hmm

Yep. He's an arsehole. Not sure why many women are absolutely grovellingly desperate to blame arsehole male behaviour on being ND.

For the record, people on the autistic spectrum and with other neuro divergences are ALL types of personalityies. Some lovely, some caring, some dickheads.

ALL have the ability to feel empathy and in fact ADD people often feel empathy quite strongly. ADHD does not ever preclude someone from having some self awareness, compassion and not being a dickhead.

Being a pain in the arse, selfish and smutty FFS has NOTHING at all to do with being neurodivergent.That's called his personality.

Well my brothers diagnosed autistic and has some of the same traits. He needs a proper diagnosis can’t keep self diagnosing himself when he has no idea .

he went with a shopping list but only bought the things I had imaged and didn't read the text

You put pictures on the shopping list? And he didn't read the words?
Is he illiterate??

Did he have all these problems while being a successful businessman?
Only I'm thinking that business success generally calls for acceptable social communication, an ability to read requirements or instructions and to carry them out, working simple machines and answering simple questions.

OP, tell us the good stuff.

if there isn’t only then not to worry, a lot of us have fallen for a disease called “screaming ovary syndrome “.

Quite. I should say I also have a DD with ADHD and ASD who is lovely. Neurodiversity doesn't give you a free pass to be a tiresome knobhead and the OP shouldn't be looking for excuses for his behaviour.

What do you want from this thread OP?

Are you asking us whether your DH should ask for an assessment?
Are you asking us if you should just accept these behaviours?

None of us can diagnose your DH, especially as he has a background of abuse/trauma. If he thinks he is AuDHD then he needs to be assessed so he can consider medication and adopt appropriate strategies.

Your whole relationship sounds combative. If you’re happy with that then fine, but you don’t have to accept behaviour that makes you unhappy, regardless of whether your DH is neurodivergent or not.

sincerely, an AuDHD woman.

Then why are you asking?

I'm not asking anything.

He was physically punished by his mother a great deal when he was a child as opposed to his sister. Any thoughts please?

Since you do seem to be asking for armchair psychologists, I'll offer the blindingly obvious hypothesis that this could leave a man with intense resentments against women, a strong belief that women try to control him and must be resisted, a sense of injustice, and a need to prove himself worthy of a woman's approval while simultaneously deeming her toxic and unworthy.
A misogynist, in short.

Well you say “Any thoughts please?” Which sounds like you’re asking for some thing to be?

Um, no. That was the OP. I'm not the OP.

@yesmother my ex sounds similar and is autistic/adhd. Also a traumatic upbringing. The question really is can you live with this man? I have friends who have similar situations and its been hard for them but they have stayed. He is who he is, is that what you want?

Id recommend asking the same question here and I think youd get more support. I think its totally different when someone has a DD or DS on the spectrum vs having a partner. There's a lot of great advice here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=33&reply=147813768

He sounds like a knob.

He is aware of his disgusting behaviour yet has done nothing to rectify it.

Making inappropriate sexual comments is not a sign of ADHD or autism.

Apologies, I was meaning to tag the OP.