Does my husband's behaviour sound familiar to anyone?

[yesmother]

When I met my husband he told me that he's always believed he is a bit autistic or AHDH. Please don't pick on the incorrect use of language that he or I may be using here.

These are the kinds of things he does - very much likes a routine and if he has to diverge from that then he gets edgy. Eg going on holiday . When we meet up with people he seems over excited initially and often ends up making some silly comments about me ( to divert attention from himself?) He often talks over me when in company and butts in a lot. He sometimes makes inappropriate jokes eg slightly smutty. He often starts to answer on points that I am making before I have even finished. If he is unable to do something eg find something or use his phone properly he will be snappy with me, then say I am snappy when I retaliate. He is very poor with any kind of instructions written or verbal eg recently he went with a shopping list but only bought the things I had imaged and didn't read the text. He is very defensive about anything he does. Eg if you say did you put the dishwasher on , you won't get a simple yes or no. He is an older man retired from a successful business career. He was physically punished by his mother a great deal when he was a child as opposed to his sister. Any thoughts please?

Asking what ? This poster is not the OP.

I addressed this in my previous post

Yes this sounds like neurodivergence- ADHD especially. The defensiveness/ reflection could be from childhood

I’m enjoying the thread within the thread.

In some respects as an older, now retired person, does him having a label matter?

I'd be asking instead how intolerable I found living with his behaviour. I say this as the mother of a now adult DC diagnosed with ASD at 4. My husband, now in his 60s couldn't understand when DC was little why I thought there was anything wrong with her, as she was very like him. Became increasingly clear he was also on the spectrum. He now admits as much himself, though he never sought a diagnosis. Anyway, I always refused to let this excuse any unacceptable behaviour.

Even if your DH is neurodivergent, which it is by no means clear that he is, it is no excuse for being a prick. You can be a prick without being neurodivergent and neurodivergent without being a prick!

It's common for adhd and trauma to coexist. Has he had therapy? That would be a start.

Your DH is the way he is. He might be autistic. What would a diagnosis prove either way? Why did you marry him if you didn’t like his behaviour?

Trauma and ADHD can mirror each other. I have ADHD. What I often say is ‘it’s a reason, not an excuse’ - yes he may have difficulties but it’s not an excuse to take all his frustrations out on you, that’s just going to be miserable for you. Does he apologise?
Therapy could be good, is he hoping to seek a diagnosis? I’ve used an ADHD life coach for the past 2 years and that has helped me immeasurably.

I'm diagnosed autistic
I can be exactly like you described your DH ,when I'm stressed ,and getting overwhelmed..but then I tend to go very quiet and stop speaking.
Is he wanting to go for an autism aessment ..the wait is quite long at the moment.i was diagnosed on the NHS age 50..there's no real support after ,but plenty of books and groups to join .
We are going on holiday next week
I booked and paid for this holiday..and it's the same place I always book ..yet I don't want to go ,now it's getting nearer.im anxious and upset and I really don't want to go .
Sometimes I open my mouth and absolute shite comes out ..and my brain is going ,shut up shut up ..but it's all to late I've said it ..since my diagnosis I try very hard to think before I speak and keep my guard up ,I don't relax in conversations so I can't say the wrong thing ..it means I'm not being myself..but at least I'm not talking rubbish.
I'm still waiting for ADHD asessment.. very long wait

Blunt but discerning and so in my view helpful. The problem is that you were hoping for an analysis which isn't the case here.

He doesn’t sound very nice. Even if he does have asd or adhd that doesn’t excuse poor behaviour/ rudeness. Do you want to stay with him? Is he willing to try to work on his behaviour? Do you want him to go for assessment?

Yes he could be nd, or not a nice person, or immature or anxious/insecure or all of the above. The key point is are you willing to tolerate those behaviours and if so why.

Children with ADHD receive around 20,000 more corrective messages by the time they are 12.
There's increasing evidence of an associated condition called rejection sensitive dysphoria. This is where the person experiences criticism or imagined criticism as pain.

As a recently diagnosed ADHD -owner the process has put the spotlight on the ways my traits show up in my marriage. They run the gamut from 'strength' to 'cute foible' to 'highly annoying habit'.

My point is that as an adult, with capacity for self awareness and insight, it's up to me to manage my own behaviours such that I'm a decent friend and partner.

Diagnosis can be helpful because it can provide understanding and insight on both sides.

But at the end of the day we all have to learn to behave in a way that's kind and respectful to the people around us. Or they won't want to stick around.

Those things sound consistent with ADHD. The thing though is that most successful adults with ADHD work on ways to avoid being a total pain to other people and embarrassing family members. We have "To Do" lists, work out that we should minimise the number of bags we carry when shopping (to avoid absent-mindedly putting one down somewhere), do things immediately to avoid forgetting about them later, resolve never to make sexually inappropriate comments or jokes as we have learned we don't have to say every single thing that pops into our mind, put our keys in one specific place at home, organise our wallets so our credit cards are on top and in the same slot every single time and just basically try to blend in with others. ADHD may give us the tendency but as an adult you need to take responsibility. With luck you will have parents, who may have similar tendencies, who help you get into routines etc that enable you to do that. I certainly see that as a responsibility I have as a parent. I am ADHD, so was my mother, and so is my son and we don't behave in the ways you describe. I think you have to accept that your authentic self may be quite hard for people to accept.

i don’t know why as society has such a desire to pathologise every behaviour trait. No one here can tell you if he’s ND but he’s not very nice by the sounds of it for which ND isn’t an excuse and we’ve got to stop using it like it is.

if he was a successful businessman then presumably he did understand how to behave respectfully and follow instructions in that context. So perhaps not bothering at home is a choice.

you need to decide if this relationship really makes you happy. Life is too short if it doesn’t.

I don’t think it was unhelpful though. You are seeking to find a reason why your husband behaves as he does. You’re clearly hoping to explain/excuse it by an undiagnosed neuro diversety. The response you got was that it probably isn’t, it’s probably poor attitude and character. What’s unhelpful about that? I would agree, too. Plenty of lovely, kind, courteous and respectful neurodiverse people (including my son).

Yes and shouldn’t get defensive at people calling it out.

If my DH said smutty comments it would be it for me.

I think he’s having you on with the ADHD/Autism shtick. He is just plain awful. Poor you. And yes if it was me I like to think that I would LTB.

You don't need to put a label on it. He is what he is. Not sure what you want by posting here.

But how would having a diagnosis help? He'd still be the same person - he'd just have an 'excuse' for poor behaviour.

Hi @yesmother

my instinct is that a lot of this behaviour is learned (- eg talking over people) and good parenting can help guide appropriate comments and when to say them in children. It feels like a lot of this behaviour is a result of his poor parenting. I know a lot of charming and well behaved people with ADHD especially.

Definitely PITA.

Possibly on the spectrum too, but I'm sure there are plenty of arseholes who act like that who are neurotypical too.

If you tell him 'That isn't an acceptable way to behave, try not doing X, do this instead.' does he listen and act? Because my ASD child can follow that and understand so a grown man should be able to. Fair enough if he doesn't know the social convention. But if you've explained it and he still transgresses it, he's an asshole.

The important thing here is does he care about how his behaviour impacts on you and does he want to do something about it. If yes then looking at the reasons behind the behaviour is useful.

if the answer is no, he doesn’t care and just blames everything on you, (which I suspect it is) then asking why is pointless as he won’t do anything about the behaviour and so you still have to live with it.

do you want to live like this op?

How long have you been married, @yesmother?

Do you still want to be married?

What help or advice are you hoping for?

I think that if your husband is retired and has never done anything to get a diagnosis or develop strategies to help him manage the things he struggles with, he's not likely to change now. I also suspect that if he ran a successful business for many years, he can control his behaviour just fine when he wants to.

So the real question is not does he have autism or ADHD, but can you live with him and do you want to?

I think a lot of us try to label our husbands and I suppose they can be on the spectrum as such. At the same time, it’s exhausting trying to analyse someone in my experience (I was told my husband might be on the Asperger spectrum)

We might be able to identify traits within ourselves as well but it makes me think about the fact that, because we are gaining more knowledge about various conditions, it’s not ultimately helping us. For instance, I don’t think you will be able to change your husband if he’s an older man…that sounds like an impossibility. Labelling him or not labelling him will still mean he’ll probably continue behaving the way he does

It might be about you accepting him for who he is, ‘flaws n all’ ..exactly what I’ve had to do

Only a specialist can diagnose.

How would a diagnosis help? Help him and help you? If he is diagnosed then, like any disability, you should presumably be understanding and accommodating of that. But still set boundaries for your own standards and well-being.

For example, you should discuss with him how he’d prefer you to deal with him making sexual (“smutty”) comments in front of other people, e.g. you interject and change the subject or walk away. As, presumably, he feels embarrassed about that afterwards. Or does he think it’s OK and wants to blame it on his possible condition?

You shouldn’t have to tolerate behaviour you find inappropriate, disrespectful or harmful.