Does my husband's behaviour sound familiar to anyone?

[yesmother]

When I met my husband he told me that he's always believed he is a bit autistic or AHDH. Please don't pick on the incorrect use of language that he or I may be using here.

These are the kinds of things he does - very much likes a routine and if he has to diverge from that then he gets edgy. Eg going on holiday . When we meet up with people he seems over excited initially and often ends up making some silly comments about me ( to divert attention from himself?) He often talks over me when in company and butts in a lot. He sometimes makes inappropriate jokes eg slightly smutty. He often starts to answer on points that I am making before I have even finished. If he is unable to do something eg find something or use his phone properly he will be snappy with me, then say I am snappy when I retaliate. He is very poor with any kind of instructions written or verbal eg recently he went with a shopping list but only bought the things I had imaged and didn't read the text. He is very defensive about anything he does. Eg if you say did you put the dishwasher on , you won't get a simple yes or no. He is an older man retired from a successful business career. He was physically punished by his mother a great deal when he was a child as opposed to his sister. Any thoughts please?

You drew a shopping list?

What difference does it make if he's got ADHD or on the autistic spectrum? He's clearly not so affected that he doesn't speak or only talks stitledly about trains or dinosaurs or starts swimming and giggling uncontrollably at unnamimate objects is he? He needs to learn to regualte his behaviour, whatever tbe reason behind it, or you need to ditch him.

Why is everyone so obsessed with being ND? Understanding and developing strategies to deal with it is one thing. but its like it's just become an excuse for shit behaviour.

Being classically autistic is not a fucking joke.

Does being ND cause a person to make smutty jokes? No.
Does it mean you can't follow a list/instructions? Not by his age, you've usually found strategies so you can function as an adult and manage to work.
Talking over someone is something I had to train myself out of, he could do the same.
Your issue is his childhood, his defensiveness and if he thinks he should afford you respect. My youngest went to a SEN school, my eldest a educational unit because of their additional needs, they've wanted the jobs they've worked hard to get, so worked on what they struggled with. My eldest, out of respect for her DP uses all sorts of stragegies, these self diagnosed, domestically useless men, really disgust fully diagnosed ND people, when they try to blame their ND.

Those symptoms you describe are actually KNOB symptoms, probably with a bit of weaponised uselessness. It irritates me when people assume that if their partner is difficult then it must be ADHD or AuDHD or ASD.

Yeah, I'd vote ADHD too. It can make you behave like a bit of a knob, I'm very much aware. That's not to say he doesn't need to address it - especially as he suspects he has it. It's hard to make your brain work differently so he has my sympathies - especially as he's probably had a lifetime of being told he's a dick/too much/stupid etc - but so do you OP, it isn't easy living with someone like that.

Maybe now is the time for him to take a bit of responsibility and get this investigated, or at least do some reading of his own.

Its very sad that he has been abused in his childhood.

- very much likes a routine and if he has to diverge from that then he gets edgy. Eg going on holiday
Human beings are drawn to routine, and often their routine is in their control and things outside of their routine arent, and if he only likes doing the things he likes, holidays might challenge that
- When we meet up with people he seems over excited initially and often ends up making some silly comments about me ( to divert attention from himself?)
He is nervous about socially interacting and wants to contribute to the conversation but cant think of anything so resorts to 'banter' often people do this when they haven't really developed their conversation skills, often because they've worked in environments or kept company where thats the standard mode of interaction. Normal, common.

• He often talks over me when in company and butts in a lot.

He isnt listening to you, he's thinking about ways he can speak - does he do this to others? Normal in men who have put their other half into the 'wife box' in their heads who can then be treated carelessly, as opposed to someone they love who they want to give their best to.

• He sometimes makes inappropriate jokes eg slightly smutty.

Isnt very interested in what other people might find an enjoyable conversation and not very self aware or aware of the world around him. Lots of people are like this .

• He often starts to answer on points that I am making before I have even finished.

Thinks he knows better than you, see wife box comment.

• If he is unable to do something eg find something or use his phone properly he will be snappy with me, then say I am snappy when I retaliate.

See wife box comment

• He is very poor with any kind of instructions written or verbal eg recently he went with a shopping list but only bought the things I had imaged and didn't read the text.

People have different learning styles, and often if people have a 'do it' learning style, written or verbal instructions are a struggle

• He is very defensive about anything he does. Eg if you say did you put the dishwasher on , you won't get a simple yes or no.

Isnt mature enough to be in a relationship, I might sound mad because SO MANY people are like this we are socialised to think its kind of normal, but ultimately you shouldn't be in a relationship with another human being if you cant admit you are wrong. Its baseline stuff.

Basically what im saying is, all of this is very normal in people who are self centered and maybe a bit keen to impress in social situations and have a fixed view if what 'success' in that arena (ie everyone laughing at banter) looks like

I think this is far more likely.

What if he was formally diagnosed?

Even if you then truly thought well it’s not his fault he is annoying or upsetting because he has a diagnosis what if his behaviour stayed exactly the same?

You can only be in charge of your own reactions to situations and even then for some it’s hard.

What you need to decide is as we are all a long time dead is this how you want to live. It’s either leave him or it’s build a life where it’s tolerable. I would be calling him out at the time if he said anything inappropriate but I just couldn’t tolerate it.

I’m fascinated why we refer to people as a Pain in the Arse or Knob or Prick! I don’t think the English language has the appropriate term for someone who hurts and causes an emotional reaction in us. ‘Annoying’ can be an adjective used but I wonder what a good noun would be 😂 ‘Irritant?’

A Pain in the Neck or a Thorn in my Side are interesting terms - we can literally experience these stresses and pains and I can definitely see where they come from.

I would say one's childhood experiences run very deep and it does seem like there's at least a proportion of that going on with your DH - the defensiveness (having been criticised by a parent a lot). He also demonstrates social anxiety which can manifest in odd ways, rather than keeping quiet, instead he over-compensates, doesn't read the room and doesn't know when to speak or interject, or the appropriateness of comments. Being poor with written instructions could mean some kind of literacy problem, or poor ability to take time to read and comprehend, i.e. impatience. Liking for routine is more common, outside it there is anxiety.

I'd say he needs some therapy to help get over some of those deep-seated issues.

I would say probably highly likely he is ND (not trying to armchair diagnose). What is important is whether you can accept it or not. It is probably going to get worse. I’ve been in this same situation, seeing my mum go through it and still going through it in her 70’s. I am ND myself and for a long time put up with my husbands similar behaviour, because I knew I was not perfect myself. But after 27 years together, I left and I am happy. No more moods. No more of the behaviours you mentioned. Because we are not here to be anyone’s therapist. We maybe owe it to our children, but do we owe that a grownup who is happy to go along like that and chooses not to equip himself with measures that could help him and others around him, no. I wish you all the best.

Honestly it could be a bit of both. I'd advise him to get a diagnosis if it bothers him or you.
I would say you need to decide if you can live with him as he is.
Does he have good points??

He sounds like a wanker.