Just tried out the best advice I ever saw on mumsnet

[Nellephant10]

A few months ago I saw this advice on an AIBU when a husband asked his wife if he could go on a boys weekend when she was heavily pregnant:

"There is a certain type of man who likes to ask questions like, “can I go to Ibiza when you’re 38 weeks?” And “can I go on a golf holiday for two weeks with my friends and spend money we don’t have?” And “can I get a lap dance?” And what they are doing to giving you a binary choice between being a ‘nagging bitch’ and a ‘gullible cool-wife twat’. I don’t accept those questions. The answer is, “what do you think a decent man would do? Do that”. Or “what on earth do you think you should do?” Or “I’m not giving you permission to do something utterly dickish. Take responsibility for your actions.”

My husband just asked me if he could do something this evening, so I told him about this advice and said "ask yourself what a reasonable intelligent human, would do. Do that". He sat on the sofa for ages looking really perplexed and then asked, very seriously, "is this a test?" It wasn't even anything much he was asking, but I want him to own his decisions, not make me decide about things which he knows are on the unreasonable side, and then if I say no, pin his disappointment on me. It was worth it to see his face, thinking it over and trying to work it out 🤣

Whats the best advice you've ever seen on here?

I wish I had read this when I was married 💪🏻

Love this!

What did he do?!?

Well done for figuring this out and lobbing the ball back to the other side of the court.

I hate those questions, usually clearly unreasonable and with an obvious answer. Eg “can I go to Ibiza when you are 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby?”

They force you to answer and then you look like the police or the bad guy if you say no to a clearly ridiculous request.

What did he decide to do?

OP, I like your style.

@Nellephant10 has DH made a decision yet? 😆

Excellent work.

Best practical advice I've seen on MN is putting all bedding - duvet cover, sheet, 2nd pillowcase and pillowcase liners inside 1st pillowcase when putting away after laundry. So easy to make bed next time.

Really like the advice above to ask what a reasonable person would do and put the decision back on them.

@Nellephant10
I'll put a tenner on that he's still sat there mulling it over 😂

Me too, OP. Me too.

I love this. When my husband was asking if he could go on an all day / weekend bender when we had a 4 week old and a 3 year old at home, I said “you can make your own decisions but remember you’re taking 3yo to soft play at 9am tomorrow followed by a birthday party. Do what you want but you’re still doing those things”

He went for a few quiet pints and was home by 8

👏👏👏👏👏

Nevermind the laughing emoji, we need the chef kiss one

I don't know. I think it is a test for the little things (as you say yours was).

If it's e.g. "can I go to the football tonight?" on a midweek evening when you have no other plans, but would prefer some help with bedtime.

For the big things in your OP maybe it makes some sense, but even then, if you're using it, you know you don't have a reasonable man, so what's the point?

Brilliant, @Nellephant10!

@HelterSkelter224 you’re still mothering him by having to spell it out for him. Hope he’s taken the hint, but next time I’d refuse to even do his thinking for him - he’s a grown man!

😂 brilliant advice

“is this a test?”

”yes!”

Oh I agree, now I simply say “I’m not making that decision for you”. Works a treat!

He was asking to go to the pub tonight for a couple on his own. Not an unreasonable request but for various practical reasons to do with our family needs we have a no drinking mon-thurs rule. This bends as and when to accomodate things like meeting up with mates, work nights out, special occasions etc - so that normally equates to him being out drinking at least once during the week. I'd normally say yes about tonight without a second thought, but there are other decisions, also seemingly minor he asks me to make, e.g. he is diabetic and has other health issues and always asks me if he can have chocolate, cake etc, and if I remind him of that he will have a quiet sulk for a bit, like its my fault. Tonight after pondering it for quite a while he took the dog for a walk and didn't go. He is actually quite a reasonable man usually, but when its things he knows he shouldn't do, he gets me to make the decision for him. When I read that advice I realised although its on a far more minor scale than buggering off on a boys weekend when I'm heavily pregnant (which he wouldn't do), he does put me in the position of either being nagging wife or 'consenting whilst resenting' wife. And I have been in bad relationships previously where I've had to choose between being nagging and being gullible twat wife. I never want to go back to that.

Thank you to whoever it was who posted the advice originally, you opened my eyes to an alternative!

That’s good, OP. With the diabetes he’s really got to be responsible for what he chooses to put into his mouth, be it beer or chocolate.

I think you're out of order to impose a no drinking rule Mon to Thurs. Yeah ok perhaps no to going to the pub but he can't even have one drink in the week at home if he feels like it? But he's an adult. Is his diabetes not an issue Fri to Sun?

So the OP can bugger off to the pub too between Monday and Thursday - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday if she wants. How lovely for her. What a great idea.

I didn't impose anything, it was something we discussed and decided upon together a number of years ago, partly as a result of our disabled daughter's care needs and partly for other reasons, including his drinking spiralling out of control. He wanted to manage it better as it was taking over and he saw this as a way of managing it. Weekends are a little different as there is greater flexibility because we have family who can help out with our daughter if necessary. To be clear, I also don't drink during the week, in support of him, and as I said there are plenty of exceptions to the rule - last week he went to a gig and out with friends and I was pleased he was able to do so as our life can be somewhat restricted due to our child's needs. As I also said, usually i'd have agreed to him wanting to go tonight too, but this isn't about whether he goes to the pub or not, its about him making and owning his decisions rather than making me responsible for them. I never disagreed with him going to the pub tonight, I simply told him to make his mind up based on what is reasonable - he knows as well as I do what our situation is and our reasons for not drinking during the week. His diabetes is indeed still an issue fri- sun but his diabetes isn't the main reason why he doesn't drink during the week. The diabetes comes into play as being an issue when he starts asking my permission to eat lots of sugary things. Again, I don't stop him from doing that either, I'm not an ogre and he's a grown man, but I obviously want him to live as long as possible in the best possible health, and don't like it when he shifts the responsibility on to me for his dietary choices.

When I had one of these I also had great success with a deadpan “Is that a serious question?” It tended to make him stop in his tracks and consider the stupidity of what he was asking me.

Next thing to work on is not bending over backwards to over-explain yourself to someone who is clearly purposely taking you the wrong way to try and start an argument. 😉 You don’t need their approval or even their agreement.

Totally love the whole concept in your OP.

A bit like 'what would Jesus do?'