Just tried out the best advice I ever saw on mumsnet

[Nellephant10]

A few months ago I saw this advice on an AIBU when a husband asked his wife if he could go on a boys weekend when she was heavily pregnant:

"There is a certain type of man who likes to ask questions like, “can I go to Ibiza when you’re 38 weeks?” And “can I go on a golf holiday for two weeks with my friends and spend money we don’t have?” And “can I get a lap dance?” And what they are doing to giving you a binary choice between being a ‘nagging bitch’ and a ‘gullible cool-wife twat’. I don’t accept those questions. The answer is, “what do you think a decent man would do? Do that”. Or “what on earth do you think you should do?” Or “I’m not giving you permission to do something utterly dickish. Take responsibility for your actions.”

My husband just asked me if he could do something this evening, so I told him about this advice and said "ask yourself what a reasonable intelligent human, would do. Do that". He sat on the sofa for ages looking really perplexed and then asked, very seriously, "is this a test?" It wasn't even anything much he was asking, but I want him to own his decisions, not make me decide about things which he knows are on the unreasonable side, and then if I say no, pin his disappointment on me. It was worth it to see his face, thinking it over and trying to work it out 🤣

Whats the best advice you've ever seen on here?

When kids have sex education, and the girls are sent to one rooms to have a chat, and the boys are sent to another, this is what should be being discussed with the girls!!!

It's excellent advice, I agree OP.

Putting the ball back into his court. Isn't it amazing why people ask permission for something that may not been agreeable to the partner. So the comeback if things go sour will always be 'but you said I can do it'

The even better advice is not to marry a selfish arsehole in the first instance.

This is the second best piece of advice i've ever read on mumsnet! Thank you 😊

Omg this is fabulous advice!

When I was younger and still married, I read some advice which was as follows. If your partner does that annoying thing of announcing problems like they are solely your problem, e.g. "The milk is running low", "the kitchen needs a tidy" then you look grateful and THANK them for noticing it and - this is crucial - thank them for sorting it out. "Oh thanks so much for offering to get more milk! That's really helpful."
When I first did it he blinked like a trapped deer and then did the thing! It definitely reduced the amount of times he made those comments. He was an annoying twat in other ways so I still left him. But it was so satisfying 🤣

I didn't say it was ok for him to bugger off to the pub. I couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to even have one drink at home. Now I know he's a problem drinker and they have a disabled child it makes sense.

Unfortunately that advice doesn’t work with abusive men (like my ex). He went away when I was 35 weeks pregnant, still working and with a toddler to look after knowing that DC1 was premature so I was already stressed enough from that.
He didn’t ask, he just declared he was going.
He’s not my DP any more.

But good for you, OP. A decent man will get it.

That's a really interesting post OP. I'd never thought about it really, but tbf DH is a home bod so it's never really come up.

The best piece of advice I saw on MN that has literally changed my life was being able to say 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. I used to try and support my mother (for example) when she got drawn into all her various and many dramas with her family. But for the past 5 years or so I have just shrugged and stepped back. It's literally changed my life and made my mental health a very great deal better. I've tried to tell her to say it to herself too but actually I have come to the realisation that she rather enjoys the drama.

What did he decide or is he still sat there looking puzzled.

They hide their selfish arseholeness until they are married.

Otherwise, no one would ever marry them would they??

...and the boys too. Perhaps they should start learning this lesson earlier on before they become other people's sons husbands.

To add to the advice given by @SriouslyWhutNow

Never explain , never justify

I also like ( and have used )
Channel your inner Princess Anne

They can't ALL be doing the same thing unless there's a secret school for boys and men that we dont know about. I doubt it's biological either.

Also, they can't all be that clever to be able to successfully hide their true personalities from every single woman.

@Nellephant10 re the diabetes, when my OH had kidney disease he used to ask me what foods he could eat, I was fed up of him not taking responsibility for his own eating, so made him a pocket sized booklet with the potassium content of foods he would normally eat, so he could calculate what he could eat at each meal and still stay within his daily limit.
It worked.

This all reads like the OP and other pp are talking about their dc. It's quite funny to read in that way.

Thanks OP, I'm definitely using this on my teen dc. They act exactly the same as your husband (regardless of their sex) and I find we need to be the nagging parents or the cool parents.

I can't imagine needing to use it on a grown man though. Oh god The ICK! THE ICK!!😂

I'm absolutely doing this with DH when he asks me (for the tenth time this week) if "has to go" to a family milestone birthday party this weekend.

Well Jesus turned water into wine so he probably would’ve gone to the pub!

😂😂

I think that’s great advice @Nellephant10. My (D) H doesn’t ask me questions but he’s so devoid of showing he cares about me. I have various health issues right now and rarely leave the house but he happily skips out the door with no thought for how low I am. I’m going to adapt your advice!

Yes, I turn it back by saying "well, what do you think".

The other one is I'll say something like "if you are going into town tomorrow please could you pick up some loo roll" and his immediate response is "yes, remind me before I go" which puts it straight back to me. So now I say "no, put a reminder on your phone".

Oh this is brilliant 🤩

if dh asks me the time which is a lot I just glare at him and remind him I’m not a talking clock. Normally we are both stood together in the same place.
or il point towards the clock 😂

if he ask me to remind him of something I’ve asked him to do I tell him I’m not Siri.

I can't abide any adult starting a question with the words "Can I".

You're a fucking adult, the decision is about the consequences.

If you can't work out the consequences for yourself, you're not mature enough to do whatever the thing was in the first place.

This

If he had a child with disability he wouldn’t. He would be very busy all the time.

I love this! Thank you for sharing it - I too am going to keep this gem up my sleeve.