Am I bad mum?

[SophieMason]

I work 37 hours over 5 days so
Monday 8-4
Tuesday 7.15-3.45
Wednesday 10-6.30
Thursday 7.30-4.00
Friday 10-6.30

I have so much guilt working and I can’t seem to overcome it. Please help

Those are fairly standard working hours. Why would they make you a bad mum? It’s not like your swanning off to a spa 37 hours a week. You presumably work for money, which you use to take care of your children. That’s the lived reality of the overwhelming majority of people.

I work 39hours so I’m worse…
honestly though…no just because you work doesn’t make you a bad Mum.

Working doesnt make you a bad mum love. You're providing for your kids. Don't worry

Definitely not.

I started my own business when the kids were small, and had horrendous mum-guilt. But then ar parents night the teacher showed me pieces the children had written about their heroes, and my 6yo dd had written about me and how hard i worked and how proud she was of me. Not gonna lie, I cried!

You're providing for your family. You're not a bad mum.

Do you really think every mum who works full time is a bad mum?

Absolutely not.
Your teaching your children that we have to work to get what we need or want.
My three year old has known this from a very early age and when we play schools she drops her dolls off and says she has to go to work now.

Working to provide for your family is normal and doesn't make you a bad mum.

I can’t seem to shake that feeling😭

Do you need to work? Do you like working? How old are your kids? What childcare do they have?

Are you a bad mum for sacrificing to give a better standard of living to your DC? Absolutely not!! You are a good mum!! The fact that you even question it tells me you have a sense of self awareness and that in itself is a great quality in a parent!! 💕💐

You do that because you are a good Mum ❤️

Please find a way to lose the guilt - it will become part of you and that will be the YOU that your DC(s) will learn to know.

Try to make the time you do have with them count - in the blink of an eye they'll be adults 🙏

This post PMO, I work 50+ hours a week. According to this, I'm an awful mother🤦‍♀️🙄.

Are you working those hours when you have a week old baby you’re leaving with random neighbours, or do yiu have school ace children and are able to drop off at school on the Wednesday and Friday mornings?

If it’s the first then maybe, if it’s the second then absolutely not. You seem to have a good balance, as you’re home quite early most afternoons.

I work different hours each week to be honest and I feel the mum guilt every time I have to rely on a breakfast or after school club for childcare. I also work alternate weekends so have to rely on babysitters to accommodate those. I work two 3day weeks a 5day week and a 6day week. My 6day week is the longest hours too working a 12hour shift on a Monday then back in again on the Tuesday morning. My 9year old especially loves my weekends off and asks why I have to work at all sometimes. Thing is we have to work to provide for our families

Honestly I think social media, with all these bloody influencers, particularly the home/cleaning ones, just dont help.

Reality check. Most normal household need two incomes (I'm a single Mum but let's ignore that for a moment). I work with lots of brilliant Mums, who care deeply about their children, but need and largely want to work. I certainly sit in the need and want to work category. Social media shows us this bizarre narrative of pristine homes and home cooked food from scratch from the carefully tended allotment (or kitchen garden), it shows carefully curated screen free childhoods, mums investing time, money and energy in sh*t like boo boxes and fecking soft pumpkins all over the house. It's largely a fairytale.

For most families its drop off to breakfast club pick up from afterschool club. Ferrying around to various other clubs and play dates. It's desperately trying to cook the most efficient but healthy meal you can manage between all of the above. And the pristine home goes to sh*t trying to fight the constant wave of washing and mess.

I work hard and my daughter understands that that pays for our life. Literally everything we have as I'm a single Mum. She understand that its essential. And I do think she's quite proud of me as well. And unless she has the luxury of choice not to work, because these days it absolutely is a luxury, this will be the reality of her life if she chooses to be a parent.

Would you say ‘you’re a bad mum/dad’ to all parents working to support their family?

Your working hours are not what makes you a good mum or not. The fact you’re so worried suggests you’re probably a great mum who really cares. Kids actually need relatively little. If your children grow up feeling truly seen (for who they are) and unconditionally loved (no matter what emotion they show), you have succeeded in so many ways. Some mums stay at home all day with their kids and don’t manage this. Some work full time and do. And, as I said, the fact you are thinking about it so much suggests you are doing a good job.

Could you start earlier on Wednesday and Friday so you have more time after nursery or school with your children? Also depends on how old your children are.

You are a woman with a job. You work a normal number of hours during normal working days. This is a non-issue. It’s just what people do. How else would parents support their families if they didn’t work?

I always felt major mom guilt for working full time while my kids were small but I didn't have any other option. Any time I was able to do the school drop off and pick up at normal times rather than wraparound times I was hyper aware off all the parents who in my eyes had the 'luxury' of being able to do every drop off and pick up but in reality I was missing/blind to all the other parents who were not there due to work and other commitments and many of the people I saw may well have been aunts, uncles and grandparents. My kids are now older but certainly aren't traumatised by the childcare options I used including nurseries, childminders, school wraparound services and grandparents. I fact, I think they have flourished.

What feeling though? What do you think you should be doing and why? The reality is people need to work to run a home and put food on the table, as your kids grow they’ll appreciate the model of financial security brought by working. Assuming they have age appropriate childcare and you’re an engaged mum when you’re with them, there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Is there anyway you could change your Weds/Fri hours? 10-6:30 is a horrible shift to be working (I used to do this shift and once you hit 4pm it just dragged out and was awful, and by the time you got home and organised everyone the evening was half over).

Try to re frame it - consider how guilty you would feel if you couldn’t afford to buy food, or heat the home. If the children never had a little treat etc etc.

Also consider what other skills your children are learning - independence, social skills etc

This approach could help you shake the negative cycle.