Am I bad mum?

[SophieMason]

I work 37 hours over 5 days so
Monday 8-4
Tuesday 7.15-3.45
Wednesday 10-6.30
Thursday 7.30-4.00
Friday 10-6.30

I have so much guilt working and I can’t seem to overcome it. Please help

Is it voluntary work or are you getting paid to work these hours?

You're not a bad mum. Sadly we are all worrying whatever path we take. I worked full time like you and worried about that, now I work part time and flexibly and worry my kids don't have a strong/ambitious female role model, and that they're learning gender stereotypes because I'm normally home doing the kids/food/shopping etc. My friend divorced and found herself reading all the studies about how that is bad for kids, other friends have miserable marriages and beat themselves up about what that models for their kids. Some friends exercise loads, get cosmetic treatments and worry about what that models for their daughters, whilst friends who are overweight worry about that impact on their kids. You cannot win, so don't try. You're doing your best, you're providing, the fact you worry shows you care. Don't listen to anyone telling you different. You don't hear many dads worry about having a full time job, so if they're not bad dad's, you're not a bad mum.

That's ridiculous. Bad Mums neglect their kids, starve them, ignore them, keep them locked up, abuse them, beat them, torture them or kill them. Are you doing any of these? No. Thought not

You are not a bad Mum, you are showing your kids a positive work ethic, and you are providing for them! On top of a full time job I am sure you are also doing all the other things your kids need and want to do. Plus you have your own money and independence, you are not reliant on anyone.

Another “working mums are awful” post. 🙄

Why do you feel guilt? We need to put food on the table

Most mums work, it’s the ones that need masses of ‘me time’ and put their kids to bed as soon as they get in that have are ring problems.

No, you work typical hours of course you aren't a bad mum.

I don't know what your childhood experience was in terms of parents working, but to reassure you both my parents worked full time throughout my childhood and I was never confused who my parents were Vs childcare provider, never felt like I didn't spend quality time with them. It is totally possible to be a great, engaged, loving parent and work full time.

Seems like you have 3 afternoons a week with them after school, which is great! I would love to have that. I'm manage to get 1 afternoon a week with them, the rest of the time I'm working until 9/10pm at night and their dad sorts them out. I wouldn't feel remotely guilty about your hours!

Everything depends on circumstances.
when I was married, I couldn’t imagine working full time, then life changed and I was on my own. 3 years full time retraining as a mental health nurse and I view things very differently. That said I’d never been able to do it without my mum’s support.
i start tomorrow 30 hours over 4 days.

my son telling me he was proud of me made it all worthwhile x

Don't be so harsh on yourself. I was a SAHM for 3 years, used to beat myself up about not working and not feeling like a good role model. Always felt judges for not working. Then i started my own business and have been working 10 days a week, travelling all over and I'm still judged and now I feel guilty about working so much. I think women have a tendency to over think things and be hard on ourselves where men would not bat an eye lid or be judged in the same way.
Plenty of women work, it is normal, let go of the guilt.

Is your husband a bad dad for working?

No, you are absolutely not. Plenty of families need to have both parents in full time work. Don't listen to influencers or judgy mc judgy pants posters on here. Do what's right for you and your family, which you know best.

Do you think all of us mum’s that work full time are bad mums?

I worked full time since my son was 20 months old
He is now almost 18 and my daughter is 20, when I talk about mum guilt and not being there they are both very quick to say they didn't notice me not being the school gate mum and that I set them a good example of working, they don't remember any of the times I beat myself up for missing things
How I wish they could have told me this years before

I work 48h, often unable to do bedtimes or school runs, that makes me a bad mother apparently.

Seriously OP? Is every working mother a bad mother? That’s what you’re saying. Give your head a wobble, or a bash against a wall for good measure.

I read somewhere in a particularly bad bout of thoughts that truly ‘bad mums’ never wonder if they are bad mums, so using this logic then no, you must only be a good mum doing the best with what you have!!

I feel like an awful mum sometimes because I have only recently started working part time, we can’t afford to save for a mortgage, or exotic holiday every year, and 2 of my 3 kids have to share a room- it is truly tricky to have it all and you genuinely have to play the hand you are dealt!

If it is really really bothering you, then you can flip that work/life balance, but please don’t expect the grass to be greener. They are probably getting the same ‘quality’ time with you, and learning all sorts of good ethics from you.

Some mums work even more because needs must.
It absolutely doesn’t make you or anyone else a bad mum.

No.

However, you are a bad Mumsnetter if you don’t come back on this thread.

If you want honesty, I'd only feel bad about the days you're working until 6.30. That'd mean I'd only get an hour with the kids.

But it's not your fault, we have to work to survive. It's a really shit situation but it's life

Most people need to work?! The hours you do seem fairly child friendly to me, considering you have three afternoons and two earlier mornings available. Standard hours are usually less child friendly than this. Unfortunately most people just don’t get the choice - and even if they do and choose to work, that doesn’t make them bad mothers.

I keep banging the drum on threads like this because I honestly see them as part of a concerted campaign on MN to demonise working mothers. Especially when the OP fucks off after two or three posts, presumably in the hope it’ll all descend into a bunfight in their absence.

Exactly this. I hate these kind of threads, feels like rage bait to be honest.

The Dad would never be considered to be a "bad dad" for working a very standard 37 hour week, so why on earth would the mum be considered to be a a bad mum for doing the same?

Your working hours aren't even bad. You have weekends off and you arent working unsocial able hours or doing long shifts every week , which even if you was (eg a nurse) would still not make you a bad mum.

Don’t feel like a bad Mum.

I always think own your choices.

I work as did my Mum. I’m not broken or damaged - other than when I was younger not having suitable holiday care meant we went to a neighbour’s house which was unpleasant, so for my two I’ve made sure I put extra away to make sure the holidays are more fun at the different camps.

I have a 22 and 16 year old - we all very close. Yes the went to school clubs and holiday clubs and they’ve never said they hate me for it! They have always known regardless if they need us we will always put them first. Every school play we’ve both attended nothing missed :)

Exactly, rage bait.