Overcoming driving phobia

[Stormotto]

I know non drivers are not popular on MN! Has anyone managed to overcome severe driving anxiety/phobia? I’ve never learned because of anxiety and panic attacks, never thought I would be safe on the road but now my kids are approaching teens there are so many more things that they need driving to and I want to learn.

Has anyone managed to overcome severe anxiety? How long did it take you? Do you have any tips or advice. Do you like driving now or still hate it?

Feel so stupid that I never learnt but it has alway been a huge problem for me :(

I learned to drive as soon as I was 17 and I’ve been driving ever since and honestly, I still get anxiety sometimes. I was driving for 4 years before I ventured onto the motorway for the first time, and the only reason I did it was because my work relocated and it was impossible to get to the new location without going on the motorway 🤣

There are certain areas I avoid due to layouts and junctions I don’t like, and I get nervous driving in unfamiliar areas. I’ve never driven in countries where they drive on the other side of the road and I never would!

I know this doesn’t help you much, but you’re not alone, just bite the bullet and do it, I’ve never regretted learning, public transport is rubbish where I live so I’d be lost without my car!

Ds2 was convinced he was going to crash the driving instructor's car. Logically he knew that wasn't going to happen, dual control, very experienced instructor, high first time pass rate and Ds1 learned with the same instructor.

There are lots of helpful videos on YouTube from driving instructors. I think the most stand out helpful one is Richard from Conquer Driving who has a great video on Judging Position. I recommend all his videos. I think learning in an automatic would be much easier and you don't have to think about gears.

@sunflower85 my aunty generally only drives around the city she lives in as she isn't very confident going on motorways etc. A couple of years ago my great aunty died and my aunty was a passenger in my df's car giving directions from hers to the funeral home. Df is from that city but hasn't lived there for 40 years so went the way aunty said. We arrived after about an hour and df asked why we'd come that way as he realised where it was. Aunty said she likes to avoid most of the junctions on the direct route (20 minutes)! Needless to say we took the direct route back.

I am 38 and have only been driving about two years, I passed my test June 2024. I was absolutely petrified and convinced I wouldn't be able to learn to manage gears. I now really enjoy driving and the freedom and independence it has given me is priceless. I live very rurally and have no fear flying around our little narrow roads and squeezing past tractors and trucks. However I admit I have only gone into our nearest city twice, and the idea of a motorway still gives me the chills. However I will have to get there because I want the further freedom it will afford me to take my son on adventures! My only advice really is find a nice understanding instructor and just take your time and believe everyone who says it will get easier and it is possible to learn. I still have the odd moment of nerves but they are few and far between now.

Yep. I had hypnotherapy and it worked brilliantly for me.

Changing to automatic made it possible for me. No more fear of stalling. Also, a patient instructor who helped me realise it wasn’t a disaster if I missed a turning or whatever - you can just go and park somewhere safely, regather yourself and start again. Automatic has made a big difference to many nervous drivers I know.

A car isn't necessary at all. Teenagers are more than capable of travelling on their own. I am 58 and have husband kids and granddaughter none of us drive never have and have managed to do everything we want no problem

I passed test in my early 20's and was a happy confident driver until an accident - not serious but car was written off and couldn't afford new one, insurance took over a year to pay out. My Dad was also a very anxious driver which I know rubbed off on me. Several years passed and I lost all confidence/desire to drive. I eventually got another car but hated driving and avoided it, preferring buses/walking. I eventually got hypnotherapy, specifically designed for driving anxiety and it really did help. Still not a great fan of driving but I pootle around my town, will never be a long distance/motorway driver but I'm content with that, a bit sad but content. Luckily my daughter has just passed at 18 and loves it so pressure off me a bit.

My issue is that the places I want to get to out of the city aren’t accessible via public transport. I can live happily in this city without driving, but being able to is going to open up new places to me, and enable me to get to places I love.

I prefer driving myself on the M1 or M25 than I do being in passenger seat when he husband is driving. He drives safely and well but just a bit too fast for me and changes lane frequently etc. I'm 50 and have become more of an anxious driver due to peri M I think. I catastrophise more and can almost picture a big fiery crash and both our DC left as orphans. But I enjoy driving if I know where I'm going and it's daylight. I regularly drive for 3 hours up and down the M1 etc and I'm great at joining motorways or driving on fast lane too. All I know is when I'm 70 or 80 I may have to give up driving so until then I'm going to carry on. Also my DH may leave me/die or become unable to drive as we age so then at least I will still be able to drive. Plus with teenagers we're off to a billionty uni open day visits atm and sometimes I drive my DS alone to those. I've had to take and collect our older DD from Uni/work placement year accommodation etc for the last 4 years plus go out with both my DC when they were learning to drive and wanted to practise (now that is truly horrifying experience lol 😆). I'd say have some CBT for the anxiety and find a good driving instructor and just go for it. Once you know what you're doing it can honestly be an enjoyable experience and is just so useful. Especially as trains are so bloody expensive.

I’m learning now in my 40s. I was anxious about it as it didn’t really work out the first time I tried at 17 and I felt very old to be a learner. I live in a large city and don’t need to drive, but will probably change in the next few years so that was the impetus.
I’m about 5 lessons in and I’m flying. Love it. Cannot believe I waited so long. I think the key as a late learner for me was firstly learning automatic, and secondly getting a female instructor. (My first instructor was a patronising old guy which made me uncomfortable in the car before I even tried driving it). Also, being older, you are far less flustered if someone beeps at you. Additionally, the instructional videos you can watch on YouTube etc are really helpful with tips if you need to master something like road positioning before you’re in the car having to do it.

Also, you don’t have to do motorways right away! I’m still very anxious about them. I plan to pass my test, build up my confidence going it alone, and then when I’m ready book some motorway lessons with my instructor.

This is me, exactly! I used to be the driver but since DH got a nicer car, he’s done it and I hate being the passenger. DS now drives and I hated being a front seat passenger in his car on the motorway because it’s low down and made me feel both claustrophobic and right next to the other cars at the same time.

Its generally not DHs driving but others, demonstrated by the fact that we were in an accident last year and it was down to a car in a stationary lane, moving into our lane which was running clear. It was clearly not DHs fault although apparently the other driver told his family that DH was going too fast and when he died suddenly nearly 3 months later, the family tried to blame him for his death. 😱 Thankfully, this was debunked by the Coroner very quickly. But approaching that section of motorway always makes me nervous now.

I still don’t like certain motorways (M6 and M60, I’m looking at you) but I will do them. Weirdly, often better in rush hour because the traffic is moving more slowly.

Hi OP,

Have you ever had any lessons? I felt really late to the whole driving thing, in that I didn’t start learning at all until I was 29. A year on, and I’m still learning! Like you, a big set back for me was anxiety and confidence. I can echo a previous poster in that driving automatic makes an enormous difference. It is so much easier and allows you to focus fully on the road.

If you have never had lessons yet, start your first few lessons on a very quiet road or industrial estate. A good instructor will go at your pace and won’t throw you into anything that is too much, too soon.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for all your comments and advice!! I am actually feeling much more confident about doing this now. I have booked some lesson and start in December, will just be learning automatic. I have spent some time looking at driving anxiety online and there are a lot of helpful resources out there which I am going to try before I start.

Me. For years but then I overcame the fear.

I passed my test when I was 23 (second time - after a fail a few months before) but living in London didn’t have a car.

My ex and I later moved to a very rural location but I didn’t get behind the wheel. My fear was real. It was a real phobia. Mostly of making a fool of myself and other drivers. And crashing.

But I'd often dream about driving which I never do now.

But I got divorced in my mid 50’s. I got a car in the divorce sentiment. I decided to keep it and get back on the horse! My teenage daughter wanted me to drive her to school.

So I had about 3 refresher lessons with the most chilled out instructor who gave me such confidence. First time in his car and then he said I was good enough to go out in my car. It was a wonderful feeling.

And boom. I began driving at 55. A few months after, I drove myself all the way from Gloucestershire to Whitby in Yorkshire. I took one motorway lesson before. I went very early in the morning and the feeling of achievement was indescribable. And it's about 4 hrs each way.

These days I have remarried and my husband does the long drives. But I drive every day and I love it.

Because I hadn’t driven for so long I’d become a bit of a joke. Which didn't help my confidence. But I didn’t drive not because I was bad at it, it was because I was scared. Of crashing mainly.

A few things helped me:

This book about driving as a phobia - it really helped

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/how-to-overcome-fear-of-driving-book-joanne-mallon-9780956702463?sku=GOR005401666&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17428061960&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIBdZzsbSiZQqWDKikMjrRAKB&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrojHBhDdARIsAJdEJ_eLDdMYazesUvcAauWJZS2Oyfu4PCYFS6AT8eB87xdAEblmNQUpD6oaAnSlEALw_wcB

The need to do it - my teenage daughter was insistent!

The convience of it - I live semi rurally.

The knowledge that I have the same right to be on the road as others. If I'm at all worried I slow down :)

Now I love driving. Took me so long to get here but it was worth it!

GO FOR IT MY FRIEND. YOU CAN EASILY DO IT AND FEELING NERVOUS OR ANXIOUS ARE NORMAL FOR SOME.

I was exactly the same. Tried to learn twice but gave up both times because I found it so stressful. I’d cry before and after every lesson because I was so anxious. It was having my kids that forced me to do it because I felt like I was holding them back by not being able to get them to places. So, I put my big girl pants on and decided to try learning in an automatic. I had a driving instructor who was very understanding and patient. I still cried before and after lessons but I stuck to it until I started to feel less panicky about it. It took me six months to learn and I passed my test first time. It probably took me two years after passing to start to feel comfortable driving but I kept pushing myself and I actually find that motorway driving is easier than driving round towns. I’ve got to the point where I actually quite enjoy it now and I’m furious with myself for letting it take me so long.
Learning to drive was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It made my life so much easier. Jobs that used to take me a couple of hours and rely on bus travel, I could get done in 30 mins.
If you can push yourself to do it, you absolutely will not regret it. You have to do the few months of scary to get the lifetime of benefits.

I've lived with it a long time.

But I can say that I'm doing EMDR at the moment and it's game changing.
My fear isn't of cars, it's of being trapped and it's only doing trauma therapy that I've understood that that's the main place I put the fear but also it's the main contained place too. For the longest time I thought it was car specific! As that's when I'm reactive and have had a lot of trauma in cars from parents, and ex, a car accident. It made sense but unpicking behind what I thought it was is a journey.

Also have ND which magnifies it I'm hyper vigilant, I find it hard to judge moving objects, I don't like the unpredictabily of other people, when I drive and can start at a ten even though calm and zero beforehand. Impacts as a driver and passenger.

It definitely can be concoured. But can't believe I've lived like islt for 20+ years!!!!

Would you link to anything you find helpful? Thanks!

That crash must have been really scary plus just awful when the other family tried to implicate you in his death 3 months later!! What a horrible experience 😪 I only learned when I was 24 plus failed loads and passed 4th or 5th attempt as i was so nervous during the tests and would stall a lot. I honestly think I'm a good driver now and very confident but safe if I know the route /journey etc. I'm no good now in the dark unless I know route v well as I had laser eye surgery late 20s so now my eyes are bad in the dark. My DH does all the long journeys but i drive my own car every day locally or do long M1 journeys alone to visit family. I try not to criticise my DH and tell him to slow down but I'm PeriM so I often fail lol 😆 I think being in passenger seat means I don't have control so that scares me a bit but I also CBA to drive if we're together and DH enjoys driving a lot more than me and doesn't find it as tiring. I also don't like driving my DH's old Audi but I've overcome that fear this year so now I will drive it if I must.

I passed first time but after every lesson was hysterical with tears.

Don't beat yourself up.

Your body is telling you it isn't safe!

It's not about smart, or clever. Nobody lives in your body and experiences the world like you do.

If you want to do it you will! I just posted my experience and doing EMDR :)

Up to the pandemic, I hated driving and only did so out of necessity to commute to/from work. I even hated doing that. Then I got hit by another car, her fault. Flipped my car into its roof and I had to climb out of a broken window to get out. I was injured, and incredibly shocked. But I was also livid! It would have been so easy for me to never drive again, but I refused to let the other driver take my freedom away from me, so I got back to driving through pure bloody mindedness. Fast forward to 2021, wfh, no commuting. My car just sat on the drive, barely used. Losing my mum triggered a real life laundry event, I changed to a permanently remote job, decided to get divorced, sold my car, and bought a little campervan. Drove 400 miles in the first 3 weeks of getting it. Did a 2 week trip round Avebury & Cornwall. Noe I'm on my 3rd van, a 6m long beaut, and I barely bat an eyelid at driving. I still wfh, and spend every weekend away in my van with my little dog. Past-me would be shocked at Now-me. I've found tremendous freedom on the road, and I'm much braver and more resourceful that I ever thought I could be 🖤

@DangerousAlchemyit wasn’t a bad accident, more of a side swipe that took out near side front wheel so wrote off the car. We were all in the car as we were off to cricket (and so apparently was this bloke with his grandson). There was absolutely no way DH was going too fast - he was doing 50ish and the guy just didn’t look. Had he done it 100m further along, there would have been 2 lanes and probably no accident.
When DH got the call about him passing away, he was so cross but the insurance people rang again within 3 hours to say it was all sorted. I know he was cross about it for a while but relieved the right outcome was reached.

Hypnotherapy. May sound bonkers to some but it really unlocks the reason why you might have the phobia, squashes it and gives you techniques to overcome it.

My legs used to literally shake if I sat behind the wheel and I would be in tears and all sorts.

It changed my life really because we moved somewhere with no public transport out in the sticks and I wouldn't have coped had I not had it.

I can't say I love driving now but I can do it and deal with it, and don't feel like I'm going to either die or kill someone everytime I get in the car.

You can usually get a block of sessions, find a reputable therapist and it could be life changing for you.

Good luck!!!!!

Hi, yes. I work in the district (nhs). Developed travel phobia post covid. During Covid the roads became so quiet, then when restrictions ended, I couldn’t cope in heavy traffic. Occ health referred me to psychologist and he was amazing. My fave technique is soothing, rhythmical breathing. I passed my driving test aged 46. You can do it!