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Original poster

It's normal to take younger dc to visit sibling at university isn't it?

75 replies

elliejjtiny · 01/10/2025 09:21

Dc are aged between 19 and 11. 11 year old has autism and has the emotional development of a toddler. My younger sister was 11 when i went to uni and she loved coming to visit me and i loved her coming too. Ds1 has just started university 4 hours away and either he will come down foterm/reading week or we will visit him, not sure which yet. We plan to pick him up, let the younger ones have a quick look at where he is living and then go out together. The dc miss their brother and are looking forward to seeing him and doing the touristy things in a city they have never been to. they have all made lists of things they want to do (enough for 3 years of half terms i think!) I'm missing ds1 hugely. We message each other several times a day and video call a couple of times a week but it isn't the same and i just want to give him a big hug. I'm also looking forward to taking the dc somewhere new.

Dh mentioned to the inlaws that we were doing this and they were horrified. Apparently i can't possibly take the dc that far in the car, youngest will be a nightmare and i won't be able to concentrate on ds1. I thought it was a normal thing to do but now i am doubting myself. MIL kept shaking her head and saying we will regret it etc. None of the dc have a problem being in the car. 12 year old gets travel sick without meds but with meds he is fine. We plan to set off early so the dc will probably doze for a bit in the car, then sing along to some music. They have never been that far north before so there will be excitement about that as well i would think. 12 year old likes to look out of the window and point out landmarks and road signs etc. There will be the usual minor squabbles about music choices and who is breathing on who but nothing major.

OP posts:

TooMuchNowEnough · 01/10/2025 09:23

Doesn’t say how far, but assuming you mean 11 years, not months, I don’t get it.

TooMuchNowEnough · 01/10/2025 09:24

Oh 4 hours. Still.

zipadeedodah · 01/10/2025 09:25

It's normal to take siblings to see each other.

Are you going there and back on the same day though, I think thats where the issue is.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds 12 year olds Families

TralalaTralalee · 01/10/2025 09:25

Well I understand the concern given your younger child’s needs, but obviously you are best placed to know what he can handle!

I have a relative whose ten year old has the maturity of a toddler, and we definitely wouldn’t try to take him on that kind of trip, it would be a nightmare for everybody.

So I see why they’re worried, I guess just reassure them that your 11 year old can in fact cope with this? But I’m not sure comparing to your sister (who I assume was a more typical 11 year old) is relevant.

Coffeeishot · 01/10/2025 09:26

It really isn't any of their bussiness is it ? You know how far you can drive not them it sounds like you have it all planned out, I am sure you have plan Bs and Cs if your son struggles.

FlatErica · 01/10/2025 09:26

Nope.

mindutopia · 01/10/2025 09:27

Perfectly normal thing. Your in laws sound anxious and meddling. Do they often criticise decisions you and Dh make?

titchy · 01/10/2025 09:27

Do they never travel for a holiday? Your in-laws are being ridiculous, it’s nice for you all to travel to visit uni dc - assume you stay in a hotel.

Not sure why you’d drive up to give him a lift back though - he can get the train or coach surely?

casualcrispenjoyer · 01/10/2025 09:28

Do you have any childcare? if you don’t, obviously disregard the below.

if you do:

I think it’s fine for some visits if you are planning doing multiple ones- but I think it is also important to concentrate on adult DC, go for a nice meal or pub, connect, talk.

i don’t think you can do that 100% with the younger kids there.

if there is likely to be only 1-2 visits a year, I would go without the younger children if it’s at all possible. Nothing to do
with driving, but to be able to have some quality time
with your adult child.

DappledThings · 01/10/2025 09:29

My parents visited me twice in three years I think. As well as taking me there and back 4 times. I only came home at Christmas and summer.

There's nothing odd at all about visiting any family member in the holidays. It does sound like you are anning to do it every school holiday saying you have enough to fill every half-term which makes it sound excessive.

Hoppinggreen · 01/10/2025 09:31

DS is 16 and DD is only 2 hours away at Uni so slightly different
We have taken him to see her Halls twice but he has not sen her house this year so we will do that at some point.
DD comes home every couple of months anyway so he sees her then and they aren't especially close, I prefer to visit DD on my own so I get 1 to 1 time with her

Autumn38 · 01/10/2025 09:33

I think you would need to do a mixture of taking other children and going alone. I personally think if this is the first time you’d actually enjoy it more going alone. He will want to tell you so much and want your attention on all the new stuff he’s done. Definitely take the others next time

FrenchandSaunders · 01/10/2025 09:33

As long as your DS is happy with the visits then I'd ignore your in laws. Be led by him, he might not want you all descending every school hols.

DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 09:34

I think you need to be asking your eldest what their preference is. They may not want you coming to visit and entering “their” world and could be happier just coming back home to visit.

Chewbecca · 01/10/2025 09:35

It's fine.

The amount of contact you're having is quite a lot IMO though.

Coffeeishot · 01/10/2025 09:39

Pp have mentioned your son might not want you visiting every holiday for the whole time he is away which is sensible advice your son might want to do his own thing so definitely be guided by him.

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 01/10/2025 09:51

Thank you. We are planning on visiting him with the dc in October half term and February half term. Yes, the inlaws are very interfering and meddling. But they are our only childcare so we have to suck it up unfortunately. Inlaws go on holiday and also took their dc on holidays with long flights etc too. We have talked about visiting with dc1 and he is happy for the younger ones to visit although he would rather 11 stayed away from his new friends as he can be embarrassing which is fine. 11 year old knows ds1's best friend very well and he has a younger brother with special needs as well so understands. Ds1 only lets people he really trusts meet his youngest brother which is fine. I am the same as 11 year old is vulnerable and i wouldn't want people making fun of him or saying he is weird etc. Ds1 loves and misses his youngest brother but was a bit concerned about us all coming into his room and staying all day. When i said we would take him out then he was much more enthusiastic. 12 year old is different and makes it clear that he won't be friends with anyone who doesn't like his younger brother. I know we probably talk a lot but we have always done that.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 01/10/2025 09:51

I think you and your husband are best placed to decide what your child can cope with, not your in laws. It's something you haven't done before so in some respects, you're taking a leap of faith but with careful planning and forethought I think it's fine. Even if it doesn't go according to plan, you can take stock and decide whether you can make the trip in the future. I hope your visit goes well!

Original poster

elliejjtiny · 01/10/2025 09:57

We do plan on visiting ds1 just me and dh sometimes too and sometimes with us and ds2 for a more civilised experience too, it depends on how often ds1 comes home and what he wants to do. When we do the video calls it's sometimes just me and dh, sometimes all of us and sometimes us and 1 other child. Ds2 will often video call ds1 on his own too which they both love as they have always been really close.

OP posts:

Isobel201 · 01/10/2025 10:00

I would say the more you do this kind of travelling, the more normal it would seem to your younger son, and it won't be as much of a drama or a shock.

TheNightingalesStarling · 01/10/2025 10:17

I think its normal to visit the city, take your son out for dinner etc but not necessarily take little siblings to university accommodation. Also if he's just started half term might be a bit too soon

I do remember going to stay for a weekend with my brother (just me) but I was 16 and slept on his student house sofa.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2025 10:38

"... squabbles about ... who is breathing on who"

That made me laugh! I can just picture it!

There's nothing wrong with your plan op except I tend to agree with your ILs that it's one I'd have done alone personally.

Your attention will be necessarily divided, and it may be that dc1 has some things it would be useful to talk over with you etc. I think what your ILs mean is that the focus should be on dc1 this trip.

Also, from a different angle, I'm trying to think back to how I would have felt starting university and how pleased I would have been for a carload of young siblings arguing about "who is breathing on who" to rock up on my new turf. Your dc may be different, but I don't think it would have been the image I was trying to project to my new friends! DC1 is growing up but still not totally adult in that sense.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2025 10:49

DaisyChain505 · 01/10/2025 09:34

I think you need to be asking your eldest what their preference is. They may not want you coming to visit and entering “their” world and could be happier just coming back home to visit.

Yes, I definitely agree with this op.

I remember a girl in my residence had parents ( who seemed quite elderly) who would drive down and, with much huffing and puffing over the stairs, unload thermos flasks and tupperware containers of sandwiches and set it up on the table in our communal kitchen - with plenty of comments about "well where's the kettle? Not where it should be, eh" and "you need to get that socket fixed" or "so who are YOU then?" whenever anyone entered the kitchen. The dad would then proceed to regale anyone who would listen with all his objections about his dd's boyfriend.

I was highly relieved that mine discreetly booked a restaurant that was not too much of a student hangout and asked me to meet them there.

The truth is students still love their family, but they aren't always massively thrilled to have them arrive very conspicuously on campus.

murasaki · 01/10/2025 10:52

You seem to have an awful lot of visits planned, with the parental only ones too. He does need to make friends and live his own life a bit. Max one per term, and even that is a bit much.

Seeline · 01/10/2025 10:57

Does your Ds definitely have reading week - not all unis do, and not every course at a uni will have reading week. They are often not the same week as half-term so do check all this out.

Also, if they do have reading week, it's not really a holiday. They usually have coursework assignments, exam revision, catch up with their notes, lab reports etc. So you may need to be pretty flexible about timing. He will also have his normal activities to fit in - laundry, shopping etc.

I think your DS needs to be 100% sure that he wants you to visit. Having the whole family come is quite a lot - especially if you actually mean going into his Halls etc.

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