It's normal to take younger dc to visit sibling at university isn't it?

[elliejjtiny]

Dc are aged between 19 and 11. 11 year old has autism and has the emotional development of a toddler. My younger sister was 11 when i went to uni and she loved coming to visit me and i loved her coming too. Ds1 has just started university 4 hours away and either he will come down foterm/reading week or we will visit him, not sure which yet. We plan to pick him up, let the younger ones have a quick look at where he is living and then go out together. The dc miss their brother and are looking forward to seeing him and doing the touristy things in a city they have never been to. they have all made lists of things they want to do (enough for 3 years of half terms i think!) I'm missing ds1 hugely. We message each other several times a day and video call a couple of times a week but it isn't the same and i just want to give him a big hug. I'm also looking forward to taking the dc somewhere new.

Dh mentioned to the inlaws that we were doing this and they were horrified. Apparently i can't possibly take the dc that far in the car, youngest will be a nightmare and i won't be able to concentrate on ds1. I thought it was a normal thing to do but now i am doubting myself. MIL kept shaking her head and saying we will regret it etc. None of the dc have a problem being in the car. 12 year old gets travel sick without meds but with meds he is fine. We plan to set off early so the dc will probably doze for a bit in the car, then sing along to some music. They have never been that far north before so there will be excitement about that as well i would think. 12 year old likes to look out of the window and point out landmarks and road signs etc. There will be the usual minor squabbles about music choices and who is breathing on who but nothing major.

This seems to be all about you and the siblings. What does the child at university want?

It’s all very well saying you wanted your sibling to visit you and you loved it. Maybe your DS doesn’t feel the same way. That’s okay, he’s entitled to want to keep his life separate.

Maybe he can’t wait However, your post suggests you’re seeing this is a jolly holiday for the rest of the family and his thoughts are not considered

We've taken younger siblings to same city - we have to stay in hotels - not gone near accomodation as such. Not that often though - it's expensive and they do need to settled themsleves.

My IL have visited on their own and have been to uni accomodation much more than us - they can be harder to put off.

So I don't think it's odd but I would be guided by the student in question.

Absolutely normal. Ignore PILS.

My (older) autistic brother never visited me at uni. i went to his twice plus graduation, he did not attend my graduation. There wasn't room for guest's in halls and my Mum came up and stayed once in four years. My Dad only ever came to help me move in or out and they would often use that opportunity to take myself and bf out for a meal. Tbh it did not seem normal at least in my circle for parents or siblings to visit every half term or in some cases at all. In halls I did not meet any of my housemates parents or siblings. My best housemate off campus, I lived with for three years, her Mum came a handful of times and I only met her brother after uni at her home. I am clearly not as close to my parents as your son is, I could go for three weeks without speaking to either of them but it would still seem odd to me if a parent/sibling etc. visited every half term, when an adult child would probably rather be out partying with their mates.

This sounds like a lot of contact and planned visits - is your DS really wanting all these video calls and visits from his siblings? 🫣

Leave your son alone. Let him come home when he wants to

Younger sons needs aside (because you know better than anyone what he’s capable of), no that’s not particularly normal to have contact visits for siblings or even parents. It needs to be led by the person at Uni and usually they’re not particularly interested in having family visitors. It kind of cramps their style.

I’d be guided entirely by what the university-aged child wants. Personally, if he chooses to stay at university for reading week (which may well be unusually busy either assignments), I’d be pleased he wasn’t too homesick and postpone the visit. If you do go, I wouldn’t go to his accommodation. Meet him for lunch somewhere nice. No one wants their parents and siblings conspicuously in their accommodation when they’re trying to establish themselves as independent beings in a new place.

And please don't emotionally blackmail him into agreeing. I'd wait until he asks if you'd like to visit. If he doesn't, there's your answer. And he may pop home for a weekend anyway.

It’s absolutely normal. As long as your son is happy with it.

Personally, I think it sounds like too much contact with the adult child, and I would just wait to see them at the end of term/Xmas holidays. They can't properly detach from their family/build a new life if they're in constant contact with the folks back home. But if you want to visit, I guess there's no reason not to take the younger child with you.
In the meantime, maybe scale back the messages & calls etc to the traditional once per week?

Communication is led by Ds1. I have never video called him, he always calls us. I usually message him in the evening if i haven't heard from him that day but this is rare, normally he will message me, excited to tell me what he's been up to.

i definitely wouldn't go in the kitchen with tupperware and a thermos. I must check my inlaws aren't planning on doing that when they visit him next week. It would be literally be less than 2 minutes in his room 1 at a time and no going in the kitchen etc. And only with ds1's permission. Then we would go out.

I used to love it when my parents brought my younger brothers to visit me at uni.

It seems an awful lot of visiting to me! I never visited my sister at university ever and it never would have occurred to me. I can’t imagine many young people starting their life away from home would welcome so much regular intrusion but if you’re sure your DS wants this then it’s up to them.
Please don’t try to guilt him into it though!

Sorry OP, I think this is a lot. Why don’t you give DS1 time to settle in, make new friends and just enjoy himself on his own? Maybe think about visiting in the spring - not literally a few weeks after he has gone? His new friends will think it’s a bit full on.

I also think I’d cut down on all the calls and messages. He needs to be striking out. It doesn’t mean he loves you less, it just means he’s becoming more independent and resilient. Which is a good thing!

When I went to uni in the 70s, it was a call from a phone box once a week. When my kids went in the 2010s, I could go weeks without hearing. And we’re really close but it was their time. I knew I’d hear if there was an issue so was glad not to.

As for the younger sibs, well it’s not about them is it. This is your oldest one’s time to drop the rope, so let him.

Dd1 loved it when DD2 and DS1 came with us to visit. They were 6 and 8 and missed her and she missed them! I remember the first time was around Halloween and her and her friends decorated the place and they dressed up. They loved having them there. Everyone has a family, in all different shapes and sizes. Your DS will be used to other people visiting too. And your DS will want to show you around the city so you probably won’t be in his halls very long. I’m sure you’ll have a great time. You know your kids.

I dont ever recall visiting siblings as a uni student. Parents didn't tend to come to the halls accommodation either.
Normally would meet off site for a nice meal

I did visit DD at university several times in her first term because she wanted me too, she found it hard to settle I think for various reasons. I never went into her accommodation, we’d pick her up and go for lunch, do some shopping, whatever she felt like. She was 3 hours from home.
With DS he was nearer 5 hours from home and we visited once, to buy a new computer ( this was 25 years ago+) but apart from that it was pickup and drop off.
We were totally lead by them.

My son with ASD would love a 4 hour car ride. He would cope really well.
Might need to make a few stops on the way but he would be in his element.

Only you know if it work or not but heck I would give it a try as an adventure for them.

Yes, the only times my own family was there altogether was first drop off and graduation! My Dad dropped me off and picked me up at beginning and of year for luggage but other than that I just went home to visit and my sister would visit me.

His grandparents are visiting him at uni?! No. Just no.

My parents lived 1.5 hours away so occasionally came over to take me out for lunch. But that was it. I went home in holidays. I think that’s normal with teenagers going to uni now as well. Whole family visits to stay over etc I would say are not the norm. He is building his own life, being independent.

I wouldn’t this time. Your elder DS will want to spend time with you, but your attention will be distracted by looking after the younger kids and facilitating their tourism. Go without the younger ones, give your full attention to your elder DS, enjoy that quality time. The first visit after leaving home is sensitive. Take the younger kids another time.

Of course it's normal. If the two siblings get on, they miss each other and it is an enjoyable family experience, not ending up being all about your younger child and their needs.

Do they think that just you are taking the children and your DH isn't going? The way they've said YOU can't possibly take them that far, YOU won't be able to concentrate on DS1, etc. makes it seem that way. Personally, I'd be happier with 4 hours each way with someone else to share the driving (assuming you won't stay overnight), but you'll know best for you. With two adults, and all of the children getting on well, it all seems very reasonable if you're confident the 11yo will be OK with the journey. If you still believe the children will be fine, you know DS1 is happy with this plan, and you're up to it, I'd just take what you're hearing as one outside opinion and go on as you'd planned. It sounds like they've said this directly to DH and not to you, so I'd let him handle calming them down if he feels it's needed, but it really shouldn't be.