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Original poster

It's normal to take younger dc to visit sibling at university isn't it?

75 replies

elliejjtiny · 01/10/2025 09:21

Dc are aged between 19 and 11. 11 year old has autism and has the emotional development of a toddler. My younger sister was 11 when i went to uni and she loved coming to visit me and i loved her coming too. Ds1 has just started university 4 hours away and either he will come down foterm/reading week or we will visit him, not sure which yet. We plan to pick him up, let the younger ones have a quick look at where he is living and then go out together. The dc miss their brother and are looking forward to seeing him and doing the touristy things in a city they have never been to. they have all made lists of things they want to do (enough for 3 years of half terms i think!) I'm missing ds1 hugely. We message each other several times a day and video call a couple of times a week but it isn't the same and i just want to give him a big hug. I'm also looking forward to taking the dc somewhere new.

Dh mentioned to the inlaws that we were doing this and they were horrified. Apparently i can't possibly take the dc that far in the car, youngest will be a nightmare and i won't be able to concentrate on ds1. I thought it was a normal thing to do but now i am doubting myself. MIL kept shaking her head and saying we will regret it etc. None of the dc have a problem being in the car. 12 year old gets travel sick without meds but with meds he is fine. We plan to set off early so the dc will probably doze for a bit in the car, then sing along to some music. They have never been that far north before so there will be excitement about that as well i would think. 12 year old likes to look out of the window and point out landmarks and road signs etc. There will be the usual minor squabbles about music choices and who is breathing on who but nothing major.

OP posts:
BadActingParsley · 02/10/2025 07:25

At 11 I used to get the train 4 hours on my own and get met by my sister or her boyfriend at their uni town regularly. Look back and sometimes wonder what we were all thinking, but it was fine.

anyway, yes, perfectly normal.

Brokeandold · 02/10/2025 20:29

Our 2nd DS went to Uni Sept 2020, in bubbles etc, he came home for Christmas, delayed start back in Jan, all seems surreal
We, as a family, went for a visit at the end of Summer term, we had a lovely walk, picnic , great memories.
We like to do “family” things together ( I understand once partners/spouses come into the scene, things will change, as it should)
He’s now all the way up in Edinburgh, we are down South, myself and our youngest DD went for a visit recently, it was a lovely time.
Enjoy spending precious time with all your family, embrace it, its an adventure going on a trip,makes the mundane everyday bearable !

HauntedHero · 02/10/2025 20:38

I don't think it's a strange thing to do, but not sure it's all that common either.

I never visited my brother or sister when they were at university, I think my sister visited me once in 3 years, but only because she was coming to see a band in the same city and needed somewhere to stay. All of my housemates had siblings, none ever had visits outside of being picked up/dropped off at the end of term.

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User5306921 · 02/10/2025 20:53

I think it sounds a bit much to be honest.

When I read your in in laws are also planning a visit, its just all too much really.

Your DS will be there for four years and hardly knows the city himself yet so why not just wait until he's there longer?

Later on, book a hotel for the night, take eldest DS out for lunch for a few hours?

27pilates · 02/10/2025 21:45

Oh dear this sounds really smothering for the son at University.

KnittingOnEmpty · 02/10/2025 21:57

How is your ds feeling about the pil visit? He's hardly had time to unpack and get his bearings and now can't plan anything with new pals cause granny and grandad are coming! It all sounds quite cloying and smothering.

murasaki · 02/10/2025 22:38

Is he the first from the family ever to go? It's the only explanation I can think of for treating this like a family outing to the zoo.

UnsureAtTimes · 02/10/2025 23:03

My parents never took me to visit my brother at Uni. I did go on my own to visit him a couple of times when I was old enough.
This all seems a bit much but if that’s what he wants then I don’t see the issue with travelling. It would be too much for one day but with a hotel overnight stay it would be fine.

MargaretThursday · 02/10/2025 23:17

Yes, I think taking younger siblings is fairly normal.

But I wonder if what your ILs are very clumsily trying to say is that your oldest one has often had to put up for the sake of the younger ones, and maybe he would enjoy showing his parents round, doing what he would like to do and for once being the centre of attention.
You've written how they want to see him, and they have written lists of what they would like to do.
Maybe what he would like is to be taken out for lunch, where he can talk about what he's doing, then show you his room, and places he's going to etc, then go to the supermarket so he can stock up till the end of term.

Save the tourist things for next term, but let him have this one for himself.

NameChangeForThisQuestionOnly · 02/10/2025 23:25

MargaretThursday · 02/10/2025 23:17

Yes, I think taking younger siblings is fairly normal.

But I wonder if what your ILs are very clumsily trying to say is that your oldest one has often had to put up for the sake of the younger ones, and maybe he would enjoy showing his parents round, doing what he would like to do and for once being the centre of attention.
You've written how they want to see him, and they have written lists of what they would like to do.
Maybe what he would like is to be taken out for lunch, where he can talk about what he's doing, then show you his room, and places he's going to etc, then go to the supermarket so he can stock up till the end of term.

Save the tourist things for next term, but let him have this one for himself.

Edited

This is perfectly said. What I meant but much better explained!

Fiveofthem · 02/10/2025 23:42

What is “normal” must be very dependent on the university and the family because we always visited our DC at university with younger siblings in tow. We were only an hour or two away so we’d just pop there for a meal out then leave them in peace. They always enjoyed showing us their rooms etc and absolutely welcomed the visit.

We don’t speak as often as you OP but again, that is very personal and dependent on what the DC’s vibe is. I’d speak around once a week to mine.

MonGrainDeSel · 02/10/2025 23:59

Sounds fine to me. I went to Oxford and my mum and dad used to come at weekends once or twice a term and bring my much younger brother who was three at the time. No problems. It was nice to see him and he decided on the spot he was going to come to Oxford himself when he was older based on the tiny back door into college which he fell in love with.

Richteabiscuit14 · 03/10/2025 09:00

Things may have changed but when I was at uni (late 00s) I don’t remember anyone’s parents, let alone younger siblings, coming to visit them, other than when they dropped them off on the first day and then at graduation. Certainly not in the accommodation. I’d have been mortified if my mum had turned up at my student halls.
Also, the amount of texting and phone calls sounds suffocating. I think I spoke to my mum maybe once every 2-3 weeks. Let him breathe, this is a time when he needs to gain independence, have fun and create his own separate life.

DappledThings · 03/10/2025 09:18

Richteabiscuit14 · 03/10/2025 09:00

Things may have changed but when I was at uni (late 00s) I don’t remember anyone’s parents, let alone younger siblings, coming to visit them, other than when they dropped them off on the first day and then at graduation. Certainly not in the accommodation. I’d have been mortified if my mum had turned up at my student halls.
Also, the amount of texting and phone calls sounds suffocating. I think I spoke to my mum maybe once every 2-3 weeks. Let him breathe, this is a time when he needs to gain independence, have fun and create his own separate life.

Totally.

My parents visited twice but because they were on holiday in the local area and dropped in. My flatmate's dad came by for a cup of tea once as he was driving.

I called home about once a fortnight. These are young adults who have moved out at least temporarily. It's all very odd to me.

MonGrainDeSel · 03/10/2025 12:35

I liked it when my parents came to visit, and this was a lot longer ago than the 00s. They used to take me out for a nice meal. And I used to call them once a week, but might have called more often if I hadn't had to queue up for the phone box.

Very odd to be mortified by your parents at this age. I mean totally standard for 14 year olds but most 18 year olds are a bit more mature than that.

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 09/10/2025 11:14

I think parents are more involved in university stuff these days, probably because they are expected to pay more than when I was young. I'm on a facebook group for parents of university students and there are quite a few parents who are a lot more involved than me. I tend to be led by ds1 in how much he wants to communicate with me. He will usually message me to tell me what he's been up to and then i will reply. Sometimes i will send him photos of the cats if they are doing something funny like sleeping in a box of lego or getting in the way of me doing the housework.

Ds1 messaged me yesterday saying PIL's visit had gone ok, that they had taken him shopping and paid so he got the branded crisps that he likes etc. Then DH phoned PIL and I found out from him that they had gone inside the university to meet ds1 and talked to other students to find out where he was. Which is a total overstep i think. Ds1 doesn't even live on campus, it's a city university so his halls are a five minute walk away from the main university building. To me, the university is off limits to parents and other adults unless the halls are on campus. I proudly took my sister around the university when i lived in halls but once i was in 2nd year and not in halls anymore, none of my family went into the university campus until my parents and inlaws came for the graduation.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliejjtiny · 09/10/2025 11:23

Oh and i don't talk to any of my teenagers friends unless invited to. When my dc were younger, their friends would talk to me quite a lot but not so much now which is all normal. I just let myself be led by them really. MIL will be quite pushy though and i have to remind her to stop being embarrassing.

OP posts:
PrettyPretenderNegligentVendor · 09/10/2025 11:28

My parents live 5 mins away from the uni DS is at, have friends that live opposite it, pass it on the bus route into town, and volunteer there and still only visit on request! They wouldn't dream of rocking up and asking where he was. Sounds like your MIL has got form though.

I always take DS2 to visit, especially at start and end of term - he can carry a surprising amount for a small child, it's very useful.

murasaki · 09/10/2025 11:34

elliejjtiny · 09/10/2025 11:14

I think parents are more involved in university stuff these days, probably because they are expected to pay more than when I was young. I'm on a facebook group for parents of university students and there are quite a few parents who are a lot more involved than me. I tend to be led by ds1 in how much he wants to communicate with me. He will usually message me to tell me what he's been up to and then i will reply. Sometimes i will send him photos of the cats if they are doing something funny like sleeping in a box of lego or getting in the way of me doing the housework.

Ds1 messaged me yesterday saying PIL's visit had gone ok, that they had taken him shopping and paid so he got the branded crisps that he likes etc. Then DH phoned PIL and I found out from him that they had gone inside the university to meet ds1 and talked to other students to find out where he was. Which is a total overstep i think. Ds1 doesn't even live on campus, it's a city university so his halls are a five minute walk away from the main university building. To me, the university is off limits to parents and other adults unless the halls are on campus. I proudly took my sister around the university when i lived in halls but once i was in 2nd year and not in halls anymore, none of my family went into the university campus until my parents and inlaws came for the graduation.

Wow, they totally overstepped there.

FatGirlSin · 09/10/2025 12:25

elliejjtiny · 09/10/2025 11:14

I think parents are more involved in university stuff these days, probably because they are expected to pay more than when I was young. I'm on a facebook group for parents of university students and there are quite a few parents who are a lot more involved than me. I tend to be led by ds1 in how much he wants to communicate with me. He will usually message me to tell me what he's been up to and then i will reply. Sometimes i will send him photos of the cats if they are doing something funny like sleeping in a box of lego or getting in the way of me doing the housework.

Ds1 messaged me yesterday saying PIL's visit had gone ok, that they had taken him shopping and paid so he got the branded crisps that he likes etc. Then DH phoned PIL and I found out from him that they had gone inside the university to meet ds1 and talked to other students to find out where he was. Which is a total overstep i think. Ds1 doesn't even live on campus, it's a city university so his halls are a five minute walk away from the main university building. To me, the university is off limits to parents and other adults unless the halls are on campus. I proudly took my sister around the university when i lived in halls but once i was in 2nd year and not in halls anymore, none of my family went into the university campus until my parents and inlaws came for the graduation.

I think it’s nice you all sound close but it all seems a bit much.

Your son didn’t mention to you how full on your in - laws were which makes me wonder if he feels he can’t be honest that he’s feeling a bit smothered.

Just because parents are paying more for uni doesn’t mean that it’s their experience too now. I think your son needs some space to spread his wings and even if he’s initiating contact you need to encourage his independence.

The fact your in - laws visited is just bizarre and without meaning to sound cruel I feel sorry for your son, if I was in a similar position at his age then I’d have probably just gone along with it as well because I was used to overprotective parents.

I didn’t realise until I got older how babied I was compared to my peers and it wasn’t until I asked for space that I grew properly independent. I was teased a lot or I’d have probably not asked for my family to step back and even though my parents didn’t hang around with my friends they were always in the background. I didn’t make any decisions without their input and told them everything which was just all a bit unmeshed when I look back.

At least you aren’t as bad as my friend, since her son went to uni she visits constantly and crashes on his floor and I’m sure he’s in halls.
She goes on nights out with his friends and often takes his siblings to visit (at least she stays in a hotel with them) and visits all through the term and posts the pictures on Facebook.

I have tried to tell my friend to give her son some space and I know he’s likely unhappy with the situation. Before he went he kept saying he wouldn’t be happy when she mentioned doing this but she seems to have guilted him into it saying she dropped out of uni when she was pregnant with him and mentioning how skint she is from helping him with money for uni.
She is constantly posting picture on Facebook and it all looks so awkward.

Only you know if your son is genuinely happy and excited about the visits, I would still look at encouraging him to embrace his freedom though and give him some space to grow up.

Sagaciously · 09/10/2025 12:32

It really depends on what the student wants. Some might not want the whole family visiting.

Ours came home a fair bit in their first years and then not at all after that apart from for the holidays. We visited the eldest once and it was quite clear he’d have preferred we didn’t 😂 so we didn’t bother after that.

Florencesndzebedee · 09/10/2025 12:38

Lovely as it is for him to see his siblings, I think you have too many visits planned plus contacting them several times a day. It’s too much in my opinion unless they need the scaffolding? Uni is a chance to separate a bit and strike out and find yourself a bit.

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/10/2025 12:57

It sounds like a great plan, OP. Ignore your in-laws!

Calliopespa · 09/10/2025 13:02

MonGrainDeSel · 02/10/2025 23:59

Sounds fine to me. I went to Oxford and my mum and dad used to come at weekends once or twice a term and bring my much younger brother who was three at the time. No problems. It was nice to see him and he decided on the spot he was going to come to Oxford himself when he was older based on the tiny back door into college which he fell in love with.

I think though one three year old is slightly cooler than a tangled mass of bickering siblings who have lost the baby brother appeal!

I'd just worry op that he is kind of wincing inside at such a conspicuous onslaught of relatives, and is too sweet to say so.

Calliopespa · 09/10/2025 13:03

FatGirlSin · 09/10/2025 12:25

I think it’s nice you all sound close but it all seems a bit much.

Your son didn’t mention to you how full on your in - laws were which makes me wonder if he feels he can’t be honest that he’s feeling a bit smothered.

Just because parents are paying more for uni doesn’t mean that it’s their experience too now. I think your son needs some space to spread his wings and even if he’s initiating contact you need to encourage his independence.

The fact your in - laws visited is just bizarre and without meaning to sound cruel I feel sorry for your son, if I was in a similar position at his age then I’d have probably just gone along with it as well because I was used to overprotective parents.

I didn’t realise until I got older how babied I was compared to my peers and it wasn’t until I asked for space that I grew properly independent. I was teased a lot or I’d have probably not asked for my family to step back and even though my parents didn’t hang around with my friends they were always in the background. I didn’t make any decisions without their input and told them everything which was just all a bit unmeshed when I look back.

At least you aren’t as bad as my friend, since her son went to uni she visits constantly and crashes on his floor and I’m sure he’s in halls.
She goes on nights out with his friends and often takes his siblings to visit (at least she stays in a hotel with them) and visits all through the term and posts the pictures on Facebook.

I have tried to tell my friend to give her son some space and I know he’s likely unhappy with the situation. Before he went he kept saying he wouldn’t be happy when she mentioned doing this but she seems to have guilted him into it saying she dropped out of uni when she was pregnant with him and mentioning how skint she is from helping him with money for uni.
She is constantly posting picture on Facebook and it all looks so awkward.

Only you know if your son is genuinely happy and excited about the visits, I would still look at encouraging him to embrace his freedom though and give him some space to grow up.

Show quote history

At least you aren’t as bad as my friend, since her son went to uni she visits constantly and crashes on his floor and I’m sure he’s in halls.
She goes on nights out with his friends and often takes his siblings to visit (at least she stays in a hotel with them) and visits all through the term and posts the pictures on Facebook.

That's awful.

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