Thoughts on a man who is 35 and is still a virgin?

[Benny91]

Morning all,

Just wondering about a friend of mine who is still a virgin at 35 and has never had a girlfriend?

How unusual is it? And is it a red flag?

What are death grip issues?

I don't think so - you can never tell what the reasons are.

My SIL is a knockout - beautiful, accomplished, social butterfly, can get access anywhere. But at nearly 40, she has never had anything more than a fling with a guy, no serious relationships and apparently she would like to.

In her case, I think loud, confident guys are attracted to her, but not vice versa. I suspect the kind of quiet, unassuming guy she would like would consider her out of their league; and maybe they're scared if she approaches them!

Men who wank a lot tend to grip the penis progressively harder, then are unable to achieve orgasm through ordinary vaginal penetration because “it’s not tight enough“.

Does he think it’s an issue now, or did it just come up in conversation?

I suppose I would hope that he would date via getting to know people - work, hobbies, religious places, volunteering- rather than the meat market that is OLD. I know that world fairly well I think and it’s not ideal for people outside certain norms. Which is why I used it I suppose. It wouldn’t have put me off at 34 but it would now, but he doesn’t want to date a 56 year old I presume so that’s ok.

It's not a red flag. He could have flown over to Thailand and had a different woman every night for £20 a time, or paid them £40 a day to be his 'girlfriend' while he was there. That would be a red flag.

I think once people get past the usual age of losing their virginity - between late teens and mid twenties, they start to feel there is a huge issue about it, and it makes them so self-conscious that they think there is something wrong with them.

If you are a good friend, trying to help him, be honest about how he could make himself more attractive to women. If he works out - not to have a six pack - just to be fit and strong with good posture, that would be a good start. Help him choose clothes that women find appealing. Ask what sort of women he's attracted to and help him dress in a way that appeals to that type. Most of all, encourage him to truly believe that women - maybe more than men – find all sorts of men attractive. Not all women do, but some women will. Some like small, skinny rockstar types, or stooping, angular nerdy bookish types, or big bear-shaped men. His height and size don't matter if he is fit and has good hygiene. What matters massively is that he becomes truly confident in himself and his physicality. That will make him attractive. Help him understand he doesn't have to be attractive to every woman - just one or two who he also likes.

I'm giving this advice because DS is not conventionally good looking and got a real hang up about it. I had to build up his confidence a lot. Once he clicked that self confidence and true belief that he could attract the right women would help him, he got lucky overnight. Confidence is everything.

Exactly this! If he really wanted sex he could have it with a prostitute.
Sounds to me like an autistic guy with some standards who doesn't want to lower himself to buying a prostitute

Well the fact you claim literally no women ever find him attractive is what's a red flag.

Why does it concern you either way? If nobody wanted to have sex with him before then of course he's a virgin.

I wouldn't feel any kind of way about it. Other than I guess if he wanted a girlfriend I'd feel a bit sorry for him. But I wouldn't be nasty or mocking about it. It's no-one else's business.

Definitely, but the OP didn't say this, I just went on her information.

Two of the best men I know, one in his early 40s, the other well past retirement age, have never had short or long term relationships and I expect are probably virgins, and it’s definitely not a red flag in either of those cases, just a combination of shyness, other priorities and the kind of authenticity that makes non-relationship sex less appealing (no judgement in that choice of words, I’ve done plenty of non-authentic sex myself).

Lots of people lose virginity later but 35 is late. So is he ND? Can be hard to form
relationships. If someone is regarded as unattractive they usually still find a partner. He may have big self esteem issues that have put him off pursuing things, and the longer it’s got the more daunting it’s become. It’s not a red flag no, but may put potential partners off if they are aware.

Honestly, it would be red flag and no from me, but as you can see from the answers you've got here, opinions are just as divided as they are about anything else about someone.

I know two women one mid 20s one late 20s neither have had boyfriends EVER!

There is a serious social alignment issue going on.

You can also find TikToks of decent looking women pushing 30 who will post about never having had a bf.

So still a virgin at 35 is not a red flag to me in this day and age. It would've been in another era but we live in a particularly weird time.

It extends to friendships too. I'm on a FB page for women to meet other local women (as friends) and there are regularly posts about feeling lonely and isolated, and wanting advice on how to meet men. Several of the women put up ads for girlfriends like CV's asking the group if they can recommend any eligible bachelors. I went on one girls night meet-up and some of the ladies I chatted with had ZERO friends and no partner. I feel bad for people

So how would it qualify as a potential red flag then? It’s hardly his fault, is it? It’s just circumstances.

What does 'women don't find him attractive' actually mean? I see conventionally very unattractive people in relationships all the time - clearly their partners are very happy with them. What is the issue?

Man tells you something in confidence. Something that probably has caused him emotional anguish and you post all about it on MN.

Is this the same poster who comes on here every few weeks asking about this? Except the age varies?

Come on. The OP is the man. Have you not seen this thread a billion times before?

I'm a 47 year old virgin (aromantic asexual, never wanted sex or a partner).

You're a shit friend OP. You're the red flag here.

If some mumsnetters had their way, all men would be forced to be virgins by some chemical method or other until they had a brain scan that proved they had no untoward thoughts.

Indeed. All men are filthy perverted sex pests who only ever want one thing and don't care what it takes to get as much of it as they want.

Except for the ones who don't do this at all and wait patiently until they feel ready to have sex with the right woman with whom they emotionally connect... and THAT is a massive red flag!!

So what kind of sex obsession, personal failing or other unseemly habit is the likely reason when it's one of the many women who are older and still virgins?

One of my best friends was a virgin (I'm 90% sure) until he met his wife about 5 years ago. He was 37 at the time.

He's a really good bloke, just very average looking and fairly dull unless you're interested in the same fairly niche topics he is. He's also not the most outgoing so didn't make a lot of effort to meet women.

I can see why he struggled to find someone, while we're very good friends I really struggle to spend more than a few hours in his company at a time as we'd run out of things to talk about. But he's very loyal, trustworthy and someone who I can always count on in an emergency.

I'm so happy he's found someone who gets him, they seem very happy together and have just had their first baby together at 42.

So no, not necessarily a red flag.

I imagine it is fairly common. I would be more put off by someone who had slept with loads of women.

Not a red flag at all.
I know a few men that lost their virginity in their 40s and 50s. One was waiting until marriage and the other is autistic and had never even had a partner until he was in his 40s.

I actually think the opposite of your last paragraph, I think women are much more unforgiving than men. Look at the threads on height on Mumsnet for example, hard to find a woman willing to even consider a man shorter than her. In my experience men are much more willing to consider a wide range of women.

I have a couple of female friends who are still virgins in their 40s. The reasons aren't attractiveness as such, they're both successful, perfectly nice people, but one is very unwilling to be vulnerable and the other is excessively fussy (imo, her prerogative of course but she does rule men out for the tiniest of reasons).

Agree with this.