Thoughts on a man who is 35 and is still a virgin?

[Benny91]

Morning all,

Just wondering about a friend of mine who is still a virgin at 35 and has never had a girlfriend?

How unusual is it? And is it a red flag?

Are you the ‘friend’? Your comments are a bit gnomic.

I am also male, a virgin, no personal relationships and no dating. And I'm 54. Explanations? Unlucky. Unpopular. Invisible. Maybe a little of all. Or perhaps I don't want these things badly enough to make them happen - this might be the angle an 'expert' would take. If the OP's friend were in my shoes in another twenty years then bring out the red flags! I'd like to wish him well.

Seriously, this is just how life turns out for some people, men and women. We walk among you.

Some women will be put off. Some won’t.

Are you a man or a woman? I’m kind of thinking you’re probably the virgin ‘friend’, but whatever - I’ll respond as if you’re not.

It’s not like your friend can do anything about his lack of experience (I see you’ve already said he doesn’t want to pay a sex worker, and in any case that certainly would put a lot of women off) so there’s not really any point in dwelling on how women will react. He needs to focus on the things he can change (eg conversation skills, appearance etc) if he wants to be more attractive.

If he’s dating, I don’t think he needs to tell anyone he’s a virgin until it becomes clear that the woman wants to take things further and sex is on the cards.

So, to be clear. He’s unfortunate in that he’s not particular attractive so women don’t particularly want to sleep with him. He doesn’t want to use prostitutes because he thinks that there’s moral issues with that-which would be correct. He doesn’t want to force somebody into having sex with him. and so he’s kept himself to himself.

And you think that’s a problem?

“If it’s not a personal question, are you a virgin?” 😂

If some mumsnetters had their way, all men would be forced to be virgins by some chemical method or other until they had a brain scan that proved they had no untoward thoughts.

Some men are later than others in “learning” the whole dating thing. I had a male friend (who is now married) who said he found the whole “falling in love” and “boyfriend/girlfriend” thing a complete mystery, and was a virgin until he was 30. He found a book “how to pull girls” (written by a woman) very informative, which set out what girls really want, such a man who can take care of himself: those whose mums are still doing their laundry are not attractive, for example.

Exactly this

Late or midlife virginity is not that uncommon; it's just not talked about. Not everyone has the beauty, sex appeal or swag to strut forth and grab all the booty they can, some are burned by early skirmishes and some don't have the social opportunities that might put them in the way of a nice partner. You know the film "The 40-year-old Virgin", starring Steve Carell? Carell said in media interviews that he'd received stacks of letters from midlife virgins who felt they'd missed the boat and did not know what to do.

As for shaming the OP for raising the matter here -- seriously, MN? I've always valued this as a forum where we can raise sensitive matters for intelligent discussion. So let's live up to our rep and do our best for this poster.

OP, some starter questions: In what way is your friend unattractive? Or, what does he feel is unattractive about him? Does he live in an isolated area? Did you go to school with him, and what was he like there?

Well if its a red flag he doesn't stand much chance of eliminating it does he?

Why is this even a discussion. His life - let him live it. I hope he finds his soul mate one day!

My boyfriend was a virgin in his mid 30s when we met. He told me about it early on. He'd had a girlfriend previously whilst at university but she didn't believe in sex before marriage and he respected that. He had no desire for a one night stand or to have sex with a prostitute, and preferred to wait for the right woman. I respect him for that.

He's a lovely, lovely man but not conventially attractive and he has always lacked confidence around women. He said sex was worth waiting for, and I'm glad it's with me as we love each other deeply and are very happy.

The first time we had sex, it was terrible. I had to coach him on what to do. He obviously understood the mechanics of the whole thing but hadn't a clue about what to actually do. He learnt quickly though and within a couple of weeks he was amazing. The sex now is amazing, he knows exactly what I enjoy (I've not had to unteach him any bad habits that other women have taught him) and makes sure to pleasure me every time.

It would depend. If he was a virgin because he strongly believed in saving himself for his future wife then I'd like it, since I waited for my husband. If he just hadn't met the right person, I'd respect him for not having ons or doing it with someone for the sake of it. Or if he had religious reasons.

It is unusual but plenty of women wouldn't mind, or would actively like it.

OP. Join a dating agency or join a social club.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag. It would depend on his (your?) life and how/why things had turned out that way. However, despite you say he is unattractive, I would imagine the issue is more his social skills.

There are plenty of ‘unattractive’ men around and many of them are married or in relationships. Unless he’s absolutely awful-looking or smells or something unusual, his personality qualities would be more important. A friend is married to an unattractive man. I was surprised when I first met him, but once I got to know him, I realised he was kind, loyal, hard-working and so lovely to my friend.

So, your friend should smarten himself up if needed, sort out the basics (teeth, skin, hair, odour) and concentrate on social relationships and interaction with women (and men), because to me it’s social awkwardness or strangeness that’s usually the issue.

That’s mumsnet answer to everything ffs.

There are a whole host of reasons why someone might not have embarked upon a sexual relationship, but sure, let’s diagnose him asap.

This shit is depressing.

This. He probably should have kept this information to himself as well, honestly. Probably didn't think it would end up on a public forum crawling with gutter tabloid press.

I don't think it's a red flag. I don't think 8ts about his attractiveness either. I don't really find people attractive in the traditional sense. I'm not a wow look at them type of person. I have to know someone and for physical attraction to grow. He'd be best to join groups he's interested in, get a hobby or join a course. Hopefully putting himself out there socially with help him expand his potential pool. Also, if you notice anything off putting you could help him out. Maybe a make over. Also, No-one wants to date someone with poor hygiene .

In what way is he unattractive?
I've watched enough shows lije Jereny Kyke to know that the ugliest men and women still have sex.

Eh? It's not like she given his name and address, all we know is that there's a 35 year old male virgin somewhere in the world!

This is the perfect place to discuss it if she's wondering. Anyone in her real life will probably guess who it is

I disagree with the idea it's not something he needs to discuss with dates - not right off the bat but if things start to get intimate he should let them know. I think at 35 there's an expectation of a certain level of experience. I think any partner he's with will need to do an amount of "leading". Some will be fine with that others wont, but I think he should be upfront so they know what they're getting into!

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag in itself, like most things it's ok as long as he's upfront and honest

How is that a red flag on his part?

Female did not have sex or relationship till 45. Im not odd, I just didn't bother looking until then. Most people who know me professionally would have been surprised. First relationship I fell for him hard- was like a giddy teenager. He was not fazed when I told him. I was not embarrassed about it- prefer this than having loads of partners. 2nd one I was more in control and super confident. Hopefully he will meet someone lovely.

Why don’t you join Reddit?

So offensive

YABU to start a thread about your friend and his virginity. It’s not of your business

I know it's an anonymous forum.
But this is presumably a big deal for the guy concerned. And I doubt he talks to many, if any people about it.
There is something really really distasteful about someone disclosing something very personal to a person they consider a friend. And that friend takes his disclosure and posts it on a forum so a bunch of people can talk about him, make assumptions about him and judge him without knowing him. It smacks of gossiping behind someones back. All we know is hearsay based on what OP says about him.
It would be entirely different if he had chosen to post on here about the issue himself. Then he can present his problem as it is himself. Rather than his " friend" and a bunch of strangers talking about him for their entertainment.

My main concerns would revolve around sexual compatibility with a typical partner of his own age, porn use and possible death grip issues.

One of dhs family members is a virgin, early 30s, never had a relationship.

Very clever man, won awards for his PHD, happy to standup in a lecture hall and talk about his subject, or teach school kids the same, decent job, kind and generous, great at DIY, modest but beautiful home, cooks, reasonably good looking and many other positive attributes etc, but he gets overwhelmed with social situations and avoids them, or disappears for some space during family events when overwhelmed, doesn’t do small talk, which has led him where he is today. Doesn’t drive as doesn’t want to be in a car with an instructor/examiner. He probably has SN of some sort but parents chose not to investigate when he was younger.

I guess he is a walking red flag to what the average person is looking for in a partner, but he is also much more than a just red flag and has a lot to give the right (for him) woman, if they ever manage to find each other.