MIL destroying my confidence

[CheeryGreyTraybake]

So I don’t know if I’m going insane or imagining things, but my MIL’s behavior is really getting to me and it’s starting to affect my relationship with my partner. Every time I bring it up, we end up arguing, because he seems oblivious to the little slights his mother makes. It makes me second-guess myself, but I can’t shake how much it’s wearing me down. I feel like my MIL constantly minimizes my role and achievements.

Examples:

• The worst part for me is how she talks about my career. I’m proud of being a nurse, but she constantly downplays it. She once said she thought a nurse was “just a receptionist.” When I had to give evidence in a coroner’s court about a death, she dismissed it with, “The doctors are in charge so you’ve got nothing to worry about.” I’ve tried explaining that nursing is a professional, licensed career with a governing body and huge responsibility, but it never gets through to her. It feels like she’s minimizing not just me, but the whole profession. But then again, when there's been a scenario concerning a solicitor (her daughter had a client in for hairdressing that's a solicitor) or a radiographer, she has said lovely words about how they have such good careers etc?

• She asked me, “How did you get all that money?” after I explained how I saved for my deposit. (I owned the house before I got with my partner, the he moved in with me and pays his share of the bills etc). For the purpose of this post, I'll refer to my boyfriend as 'Steve'. She always refers to the house as my boyfriend’s (“I’m at Steve’s”), never mine, even though I bought it and built up the equity. She even makes comments to him like, “To afford that renovation you’d have to remortgage, Steve", as if I don’t exist?

• When I treated myself to a designer bag, she said “didn’t think you’d be into designer stuff.” She’ll say things like, “the older you get the more you realise Shein and Primark are cheap tat” (she knows I buy clothes from there if I like it).

• She’s asked personal questions like, “does your mum own her house or is it council/corporation?” which just feels invasive and judgmental. Why would it matter if she didn't own her house? And then asked the same question about if it's my step-dad's house rather than my mum's (when I already answered her question weeks before).

• Even small things such as "pot noodles are on offer" (She knows I try to cook from scratch at all times as I like to be healthy) and "you can cook now" (I've lived on my own so I could cook then). It comes across patronising.

On top of that, her daughter/his sister blanked me completely at a get-together (while warmly greeting the other DIL). I haven’t done anything to her, but it was so blatant I’ve stopped going to family events altogether.

I honestly feel like my confidence is at an all-time low because of his family, especially the MIL. It feels like she's constantly minimizing me like she’s trying to make me smaller than I am. It hurts especially because I’ve gone above and beyond for her son, I even helped him get out of debt and paid off a huge sum. So I don’t understand what her problem is with me.

My partner says he’s tried talking to her and even told her "can you start bigging her up because her confidence is low?” but that's put it across as if I'm begging for compliments!

How do I stop this from eating away at me? Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who constantly minimizes you?-

Hopefully his debt to you is all paid back soon and then you can move on. You deserve better than this - both him and 'MIL' don't sound great tbh.

Apart from kicking him out and moving you need to be calling her out EVERY SINGLE TIME. Loudly.

The reality is if you speak up ‘Steve’ won’t support you and you will see more how he doesn’t have your back. And make sure you stockpile your money because he will bleed you dry too!

I'm afraid this won't be a good idea. It's what the Mil is hoping op will do. Then she'll put on the crocodile tears and be the victim and drive a wedge between op and her DP (this is the end game).

With this type you have to unfortunately learn the game they're playing and one up them. So basically do the opposite. She wants a reaction to make you the villain and her the victim. To be ignored or pretend you haven't heard makes the game very boring. With passive aggressive types you have to force them to either come out and say what their problem is (they never will) and ignore their silliness and keep being bright and breezy and play dumb until they crack or give up. Trust me, it works.

I'd take him at his word - and treat her that way i.e. she's not very bright.
Tbh even if you didn't quite understand how professional a job nursing is now (as it has developed a lot over the years), you'd have to be a bit thick to think it's in any way similar to being a receptionist!

I agree with the pp who said have some fun with it. Talk slowly to her, smile and nod when she says silly things, or something like 'Well, it's a liiiitttle bit more complicated than that but I wouldn't want to confuse you!' If you really want to ramp it up, every so often when you use a vaguely long or complicated word stop yourself and explain what it means to her, or reword your sentence with a shorter one.

If she asks about your mum's house or whatever just look at her puzzled and say 'What a strange question to ask!' and change the subject. Or 'Gosh that's an intrusive question. I was always told not to ask about other people's financial situation but I suppose we're not all brought up the same.'

OP, im curious, when she's made comments about the house have you ever said 'well, I own it, so I'd be the one remortgaging'? If you haven't, how do you think she would react?

Lovely, you need to really consider your future with this man.

Letting his mum and dsis keep doing this to you just shows what type of man he is. Can you imagine having this for the next 20 or more years, it would get worse if you were married or had kids and I’m sure the longer he’s in your home the more rights he has if you split to try to take it? His mum would make sure he walked away with what is ‘his’.

This is happening for a reason- to show you you deserve a better future.

Your profession is so so important, she sounds jealous of you- but that will mean she doesn’t change towards you unfortunately.

Go get a better dp and mil.

Wow that's brilliant, especially the "but I wouldn't want to confuse you" 😂😂 and this is the thing, when I told my mum about it she was shocked because she brought me up never to ask about someone's personal business especially financial side of things

No I sat there quiet, I was stunned. Then she changes subject and I then keep dwelling on it thinking of what I could have said, I don't react quick enough

^I do wonder what she'd say back

She's playing the passive aggressive game.

She'll change her tune eventually, when she's old and frail and reliant on your good favour.
...If you stay with her son long enough.

You ‘helped your bf get out of debt and paid off a huge sum’? Why? Is he going to repay you? How long have you been together?

I’d get the money back then dump him. His mother will never get any better, and he sounds like a freeloader. You can do much better.

While it is tempting to “have fun” with her, I guarantee it won’t be fun with her in the long run, not with her son as your partner. Your partner has learned how to be an adult from her (and his dad who presumably just … lets it all go, if he is around?)

She sounds like an old-fashioned internalised misogynist. Generally unless the male (and actually female) children of these people are particularly strong-minded and clear about recognising and disavowing the gender roles they grew up with …yeah… not great.

Blank her. Your partner needs to choose. My DH was a bit delayed in choosing and almost lost me. His mother lives in our basement but isn’t welcome often here ane I blank almost anything she says. Your MIL is a raging cow. Smart enough to know how to get at you while still being a dumb bitch

Why do you feel it’s your responsibility to pay off another adults debts?
Are you married?
Does he pay towards the mortgage?
I think you need to value yourself more and not seek validation from these people who are not worth it.

@CheeryGreyTraybake I remember a teacher insulting me by saying I was only a housewife!! I blew up at her and said What do you do? she said she was a cookery teacher!!!! I replied that I happen to be a fully qualified nurse AND I have and HND in another totally unrelated subject!!!! AND I can save a life! I can also cook. then I reported her to the rector!! just tell her!!! A nurse is far superior to a hairdresser and definitely superior to all the part time jobs which she worked at!

It looks like you are going to be in this toxic relationship for a long time and so I suggest that you develop a tougher skin and learn to ignore her.

OP you need to think carefully about this relationship. Your partner is dismissive of your concerns, he refuses to move at most half an hour from his family, (say you went half way to compromise), this seems too much about him needing his family and not caring about your needs. I think you need to get your money back, move him out and move away. This just doesn’t sound like a good long term situation.

Spend significantly less time with her and say a lot of bland non-commital things. Give her zero real information about yourself.
This was my strategy with MIL and it worked quite well but she couldn’t tolerate the lack
of drama and upped her game by saying something atrocious to me. At that point I went no contact and have been for three years. DP has accepted my standpoint and now he does all the mum life admin that I used to do.

To add, your partner hasn’t fully got your back. I’d review your relationship as you need to be with someone who would support you against a bully rather than wanting to appease the bully for an easier life for himself.

I agree.

It’s because her son is not the homeowner or joint homeowner. She knows what she is doing, she is embarrassed and doesn’t like you being above her son. She isn’t your MIL anyway. Does she think nurses are like the carry-on films? Is she really that dumb, doubt it. Don’t marry this bf, or not without ring fencing your house.

@CheeryGreyTraybake
You can find ways to ignore/block/respond to her comments but ask yourself if it’s worth the effort. You have just one life, do you really want to spend it dealing with these people? If you were to get married, can you imagine how much misery they would bring your way in the run up to the wedding, let alone afterwards.

If I’m honest, your boyfriend doesn’t sound worth the effort of dealing with his family. He has minimised you by telling his mum about your low confidence.

Forget about them and focus on you; is ‘Steve’ worth this hassle? Does he make you happy?

It’s time to put yourself first; ‘Steve’ has landed on his feet with you, living in your lovely home and with a loving partner willing to support him in paying his debts. You need to get this money back ASAP and have a long think about whether ‘Steve’ is worth the effort.

I can't understand responses which say "just ignore her" or question why the OP even cares. Bullying like this is insidious - it gets right under one's skin. There may be strategies to deal with it - greyrocking etc - but I would never question the initial reaction. It's upsetting to feel someone gunning for you who should be supporting you.

I have a friend who suddenly swipes at me out of nowhere like this. I can never think fast enough in the moment to assert myself. Also I would worry I would look fragile and defensive if I reacted.

What's helped is having a mental bingo card of her favourite themes, that I strike off in silence when she has a go. I've also privately cast her as Amanda from Motherland. Imagining Amanda say some of my friend's self-aggrandising lines puts them in perspective and makes her seem sad and funny rather than threatening.

Good luck - but I would also be asking myself if Steve is really worth it!

@Keenovay that's no friend

Bluntly, OP, what’s in this relationship for you? He sounds useless, he’s saddled with debt, and he’s happy for his mother to be regularly snide.