MIL destroying my confidence

[CheeryGreyTraybake]

So I don’t know if I’m going insane or imagining things, but my MIL’s behavior is really getting to me and it’s starting to affect my relationship with my partner. Every time I bring it up, we end up arguing, because he seems oblivious to the little slights his mother makes. It makes me second-guess myself, but I can’t shake how much it’s wearing me down. I feel like my MIL constantly minimizes my role and achievements.

Examples:

• The worst part for me is how she talks about my career. I’m proud of being a nurse, but she constantly downplays it. She once said she thought a nurse was “just a receptionist.” When I had to give evidence in a coroner’s court about a death, she dismissed it with, “The doctors are in charge so you’ve got nothing to worry about.” I’ve tried explaining that nursing is a professional, licensed career with a governing body and huge responsibility, but it never gets through to her. It feels like she’s minimizing not just me, but the whole profession. But then again, when there's been a scenario concerning a solicitor (her daughter had a client in for hairdressing that's a solicitor) or a radiographer, she has said lovely words about how they have such good careers etc?

• She asked me, “How did you get all that money?” after I explained how I saved for my deposit. (I owned the house before I got with my partner, the he moved in with me and pays his share of the bills etc). For the purpose of this post, I'll refer to my boyfriend as 'Steve'. She always refers to the house as my boyfriend’s (“I’m at Steve’s”), never mine, even though I bought it and built up the equity. She even makes comments to him like, “To afford that renovation you’d have to remortgage, Steve", as if I don’t exist?

• When I treated myself to a designer bag, she said “didn’t think you’d be into designer stuff.” She’ll say things like, “the older you get the more you realise Shein and Primark are cheap tat” (she knows I buy clothes from there if I like it).

• She’s asked personal questions like, “does your mum own her house or is it council/corporation?” which just feels invasive and judgmental. Why would it matter if she didn't own her house? And then asked the same question about if it's my step-dad's house rather than my mum's (when I already answered her question weeks before).

• Even small things such as "pot noodles are on offer" (She knows I try to cook from scratch at all times as I like to be healthy) and "you can cook now" (I've lived on my own so I could cook then). It comes across patronising.

On top of that, her daughter/his sister blanked me completely at a get-together (while warmly greeting the other DIL). I haven’t done anything to her, but it was so blatant I’ve stopped going to family events altogether.

I honestly feel like my confidence is at an all-time low because of his family, especially the MIL. It feels like she's constantly minimizing me like she’s trying to make me smaller than I am. It hurts especially because I’ve gone above and beyond for her son, I even helped him get out of debt and paid off a huge sum. So I don’t understand what her problem is with me.

My partner says he’s tried talking to her and even told her "can you start bigging her up because her confidence is low?” but that's put it across as if I'm begging for compliments!

How do I stop this from eating away at me? Has anyone else dealt with a MIL who constantly minimizes you?-

No
It's a reflection of her.
She has low self esteem

She can only gain false esteem by bringing people who she looks up to down.Truly confident people don't need to do that.
You have a "Steve" problem though.
He should be supporting you and telling her to wind her neck in.
I would think very carefully about this relationship as this will be your future life and these types get 💯 % worse when DC involved.

She sounds threatened by you. You have a very good career, no one could argue otherwise. You are financially stable much more so than her son who you bailed out. She can’t stand it.

That's a lovely thing to say, thank you xx

See my partner doesn't see HOW it offends me - like the receptionist comment or saying it's his house, he doesn't get why they are offensive comments... and says I read too much into things/overthink. When I did mention to him I'm thinking of moving closer to my family as I miss them (as I'm really close to my mum) he tried to talk me out of it and said he wouldn't move with me if I did.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

You need to move away from them and him refusing that is a huge MASSIVE warning of how trapped you’ll be with children. Good you’re questioning it now while you can. If you stay with him, please make it on the condition you get away from his awful family

And that's a good point as well about her trying to put me in my place as a woman. She is in her late 60s and always had part-time jobs as a cashier/or stay at home mum to bring her children up so maybe she has an old-fashioned view that the man should be the breadwinner/own the house? Her other son owns a house and his girlfriend moved in (same predicament as my partner) and she treats her a lot better than she does me (more expensive gifts at Xmas etc - that's not me being pathetic either, she's actually thrown it in my face by telling me directly how expensive the gift was she got for her).

Omg just dump " Steve" and get away from them all.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Your life will be miserable and he's allowing it.
Send him back to Mummy
Do not marry or get pregnant
Run!

Agree. I rarely comment on threads like this but she honestly sounds awful. Please listen to the women who’ve been there, done that- this is not good’

"No one can make you feel insignificant without your consent". A quote usually attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt.

what ever the source, the quote seems right to me. Why would you let someone who clearly doesn't like you, influence how you feel about yourself.

and your partners comments to his Mum were positively unhelpful. It implies his mother has some power over you. The only power she has over you, is the power you allow her to have.

if ignore any and all such comments in the future.

these reactions will all be entirely about her, and nothing about you. I promise.

I agree with this OP- my MIL is very similar with minimising/dismissing my career & financial contributions, but although I find it very irritating it's never affected my confidence in the least, and ive been with DH forever. Don't let it in! Just smile and nod. YOU know your own worth. If you want a hopeful view of the future, my MIL has now (after many, many years) started giving me (a bit!) more recognition so it can change with time

She’s probably just shallow and rarely thinks before she speaks. Anyone who thinks a receptionist and a nurse are somehow interchangeable is quite frankly, an idiot.

Thank you. That's a good quote - I need to shift my mindset.
And exactly that - I feel the comment made it 100x worse as she would probably revel in the fact that I'm low in confidence.

This! The fact that your boyfriend clearly doesn’t have your back here is a huge red flag. I’m afraid I can only see this getting worse.

What a relief that you own the house and you can make that decision if you want to! What reasons does he give for not moving if you did?

Also does he talk about children and want to have them?

Not what you were asking about but if you and your partner aren’t married why have you ‘helped him get out of debt and paid off a huge sum’? If he’s repaying back what you paid off for him do you have a proper loan agreement?

Shes an absolute dickhead.

BUT this is something that can be solved easily(ish) in that if you can change your attitude it wont effect you

As an example If my mil said this to me
She once said she thought a nurse was “just a receptionist.”
I'd have laughed out loud in her face and repeated what she said in a "did you hear that!! janet thinks...." and then directly asked my boyfriend what was wrong with his mother she doesnt know what a nurse is when a 5 yr old child could tell you...🥴🥴🥴
And put that embarasent right back on her.

That feels nuclear and feels a bit rude..
Because it is!

But I would be that rude back because I would match her rudeness AND I would drag my useless boyfriend into it so he has skin in the game and has to back me.

If you cannot shift your mindset and if your Boyfriend cannot back you up very honestly and sincerely ... end it.
Your life will be overshadowed with this bullshit foreverrrr christmas birthdays everything.....and it will get 5 x worse if kids come on the scene

Oh also the house thing... I had this
I told my mil if she wanted to go to my "Steve's" house she'd need to go stand in the utility as I own the rest of the ground floor and half the first floor and the bank owns the rest. However....She was welcome to sit in my living room and have a cup of my tea if she'd like.
She kicked up a fuss and cried at my husband but it was the last time she did it

She is a spiteful jealous bitch with the accent on JEALOUS.
My MIL is very similar, uncanny that she also loves to talk about friends whose children are solicitors! Deep down your DH probably knows what she is like, but embarrassed. That technique of laughing at the things she says is helpful. Spend as little time as possible in her company. Is there a SIL or someone who will empathise, who has worked her out? Just to let you know my MIL is a bit disabled and vulnerable now, and she’s much nicer to me now, cos she needs help.
good luck OP.

She's MAD. Nursing is one of the most impressive careers in my book. Not just all the study but the huge weight of responsibility and all the never ending shifts. I'm in total awe of nurses! I couldn't do it in a million years.

She is getting a kick from upsetting you. So dont play the game. Dont respond to the content of what she says - comment on what she is doing. 'Oh, you dont understand modern nursing - how odd!, I would have thought a woman of your intelligence.... Interesting'. Or 'you are very interested in housing arrangements - why is that?'. 'Yes, I think it is more interesting to have clothes and accessories 'from a range of price points - don't you?' .

She and SIL sound intimidated by you. Your partner needs to do more than he is doing - he needs to lay down the law. His comment about her not being smart enough is a cop out - you dont have to be an intellectual giant to be a mean spirited arsehole. I would be telling him he needs to tell her that there will be zero tolerance of her nasty digs, or you will not be going to further family events. But if it comes to that, I would seriously think about being with him.

Edited to add - you could always do the MN classic 'did you mean to sound so rude?'

Totally agree! I don’t know anyone who wouldn't agree with this either.

She doesn’t like you, I’m afraid!

I’d fight fire with fire. When she denigrates your career I’d say “Really Brenda? What responsibilities did you have in your career?”
When she twats on about your house “Really Brenda, how do you pay for your house?”
When she suggests it’s Steve’s house “Really Brenda, have you forgotten? Steve moved in with me”
She is a bully, and like all bullies, she’s a coward. She picks on people she thinks won’t fight back, give her a bit back and she’ll stop.
Your partner does sound like a wet lettuce though so you need to decide if he’s worth it. You could just move closer to home and leave him to it?

Also, just move to be near your Mum. Why bother with him and his awful family if you’re not married and don’t have kids.

I agree with laughing at her silly attacks and treating them as jokes. ‘Nurses are receptionists - youre hilarious MIL!’