Talk to me about funerals

[TholfirWozEre]

Hi everyone,

I've put this in Chat rather than Bereavement as no one is dead (yet). I've been thinking about my funeral lately... I'm not dying, and hopefully I've got a good while yet, it's just something I'd like to make some preparations for. I'm not talking financially (don't want a funeral plan), nor about setting things in stone, I'd just like some ideas for things I would like to include. I haven't been to all that many funerals, so I'm a bit in the dark.

Some things I'm thinking about:

• I'm not religious, so no church or minister. I do know a funeral celebrant, who I'm going to talk to soon. My dad's funeral was conducted by someone who had never met him, and I'd rather have someone I know if possible.

• what to include in the ceremony. Songs? Poems? Readings? I've got a couple of ideas but sometimes I think of something I'd like and then look at all the words and realise it's inappropriate, e.g. I love John Donne but am struggling to find a poem that doesn't include religion or sex!

• cremation/burial. Probably cremation, but what to do with the ashes? I don't want them to sit on a shelf for years just because no one can make a decision on them, so I'd like to make a request myself. I've been thinking the local park - I might need permission? And would it make my relatives sad then to go to the park. A woodland burial/ash interment might be nice, but there are none particularly close. (Perhaps that's actually a good thing for family as they wouldn't feel obligated to do regular visits?)

• gathering. I'd like some kind of get together afterwards, though I'm not too fussed what. Perhaps with some of my favourite foods!

What else should I include? Do you have requests for your funeral, and what are they?

Do you put this much thought and over planning in to everything else in your life?

Pointless comment @Doseofreality

Goodness you’ve given that some detailed thought! May I ask why you don’t want a funeral plan but you want to organise everything else? All of your plans are going to be wasted if your loved ones can’t or don’t want to spend thousands on a funeral.

I’m not having one. I’m going to have one of those budget cremations where you get dropped off at the crem in a wheelbarrow and they return the ashes in a jam jar afterwards. I think funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I’d be so cross with DH if he wasted thousands he’s really going to need on absolutely nothing.

I don’t like the idea of ending up in a rubbish dump somewhere though (which is ridiculous really, because I’m not going to know anything about it), or if he goes first, then I go and we both end up in a rubbish dump. So we’ve agreed that whoever goes first will scatter the other in the sea. So wherever we are, there’s always a chance that a speck of us could be floating about there. Silly really, but it’s the only thing I feel any sort of emotion about as far as my funeral goes.

My mum wants her ashes scattered off Tower Bridge. We’ll never get permission for that, so it’ll be like the Great Escape where we’ll be walking over the bridge funnelling her out down our trouser legs and kicking her over the edge! 😁

@WilfredsPies at least you have discussed this. Some of the background to this is that my mother is end of life, and despite being over 90, and having lived in care (but compos mentis) for several years has expressed no wishes at all. I wish she had, but it has always been difficult for me to bring it up with her. I would prefer to give her a funeral that is meaningful to her.

Re funeral plans - finances shouldn't be an issue, unless I live a very long time and spend it all, and I don't need my plans to be set in stone. It's more of a list of wishes, and I will share it with my loved ones. (Of course they may ignore it, but I'd like to think they would take it into account.) I'm in favour of ceremonies, on the whole, whether it's weddings or graduations or funerals. They allow us to mark important moments in life.

One thing to consider, don’t ask for anything too outrageous or a thing that your family might find difficult or too expensive to fulfill. If you have something like that, and my father did, then it can mean your family could feel really guilty if they cannot do what you want. It’s far better to offer suggestions rather than a detailed plan.

Direct cremation for me.
Ashes made into a firework to be set off on my birthday to celebrate my life.
I have no family left, but my close friend is happy to carry out my wishes

Thanks @PurpleKate , I'm not planning on requesting expensive things, it's more about a funeral that reflects who I am. I also think my ideas may change as I get older. What I want if I die now may be very different from what I want if I get to be 100 and outlive everyone.

Most crematorium services are pretty short, about 15- 20 mins, as although you usually get a 30 mins slot, that includes everyone arriving and leaving and carrying the coffin in. So don't over-complicate things. A couple of songs, a reading, the Celebrant's speech, that's enough.

My dad didn’t ask for an expensive thing, he asked for something that was really really difficult to do, so we didn’t do it. Mum still feels guilty.

Actually it’s one of the kindest things you can do for your family

Yes, I have thought about what I'd like after I die. I want whatever is easiest for my children and DH (assuming they survive me): I want a cremation and my ashes to be scattered in running water wherever is easiest for them to access (but not in one named country). I don't want any kind of gathering or service (unless people want to get together - up to them), I don't want donations made in my name or flowers put anywhere, and I don't want a permanent record of my existence other than whatever legal records have to exist.

I don't have the hubris to dictate how people remember me. Those who want to, will, regardless of any wishes I may express. I just want to be gone as simply as I came in.

I'm fairly sure you don't need permission to scatter ashes in water so she should be ok! We chucked my uncle in the Thames 😅

I would think about simple things for the ceremony, assuming you have one. Stuff that doesn’t cost but can be hard for people to choose. My dad wished my mum had expressed some more preferences, as he was left to create with ceremony with very little to go on (other than >50 years together 🥲).

I would choose music, maybe readings (though the one I read for my mum is one that felt more appropriate to be chosen by the bereaved than the deceased, so leave some leeway).

Funerals are for the living in my mind.
My parents specified cremation in their wills and confirmed not religious to us in conversation. Nothing more.

Planning the service was a really important part of the grieving process for me. It necessitated communication between all the siblings. We looked back through the photographs from our parents lives which was brilliant. We chose a lovely collection for each to represent their lives in a sideshow.

We each wrote a short piece to read at the service and they were so different and personal to each of us and our families. It was lovely.

We thought alot about music that meant something to us. Like using the Archers theme for my Mum, a funny song my Dad used to sing to us, a piece from the soundtrack of a film that they loved.

That process enabled us to refocus on the lives they led rather their (very difficult) last few years). I was so glad we did that.

I get why people opt for direct cremation with a view to saving their families a job and an expense, but the funerals were incredibly worthwhile for us and I think I would have found grieving much harder if they hadn't taken place or if we'd not planned them.

I come from a long line of funeral directors - finishing with my mum! I grew up in a Funeral Home! Actually in our house!

The one thing I have realised is that I genuinely really really don’t care what you do with me after I’ve popped my clogs. You can bury me, cremate me, have a big fancy funeral, or a paupers one. You can even freeze me and hang me out every Halloween for all I care! They’re a money making exercise designed to make the mourner think they’re giving their loved ones ‘a good send off’. A good send off to me is to hold my hand as I die with love, care and happy memories and after that, I don’t give a shit.

All of your plans are going to be wasted if your loved ones can’t or don’t want to spend thousands on a funeral.

The costs come out of the estate, don't they? Of course, my heirs may still decide they would rather have the money for themselves I suppose.

My mum is religious, and has been going to church for years. My brother and I are not. On one of the few occasions that we discussed her funeral wishes, she said, "Oh you two choose can choose the hymns," despite us not having sung hymns for about 40 years! I wish she had told us some favourites, as when the time comes we will just have to pick randomly.

I think this is a great thing to do @TholfirWozEre Having had to plan three funerals to date, I wish my relatives had been this organised. It's a hard thing to do when you are grief stricken, so taking this burden off your nearest and dearest is to be commended.

@ainsleysanob I guess that's fine, as long as your relatives know your wishes - or lack of them! I feel if someone wants no ceremony and no fanfare when they die, that's absolutely OK. But if it is the relatives that have to make a choice, they might feel guilty if they go for the cheapest or simplest option.

Thank you. I feel it is something that is better initiated by the person themselves, as it is hard to broach with someone else, especially when they are elderly or unwell. It's tantamount to saying, "I know you're dying," and that's a very difficult thing to do.

My grandads funeral was in1973 and it cost £170.
dads funeral was in 2008 and it cost £1700, mums was 2019 and cost about £4000. Hopefully my husband and I will live another 20 years and our funeral could be £8000 upwards and we will be paying for it out of a pension. My mum paid for her funeral in advance and it couldn't have been easier when she died so my husband and I have done the same. It’s fully protected financially and we were able to pay for it in instalments so now it’s fully paid and all sorted.

My mum wants direct cremation, no service, fuss, flowers, food, nothing. 93 year old friend has just had the same. Work colleague had a direct cremation with people having a bit of a get together on the same day. My uncle had a woodland burial which was nice but meant I had to spend the afternoon with my awful cousins. There's a lot to be said for direct cremation in a cardboard box.
I'll probably do the same.

DH is convinced we’ll be mistaken for terrorists carrying out some kind of terrorist attack and we’ll end up face down on the pavement with a swat team yelling at us! 😄

@KittyHigham that sounds really lovely, and so personal for you all.

My dad's funeral was traumatic, but so many people came, and after the ceremony it was wonderful to talk about him and hear people's stories of him. That really helped me.

I am currently planning a funeral. He had said who he wanted as celebrant. He had also talked about music. He loved poetry so I am choosing a poem as a reading which suits him. Writing a eulogy will be difficult. Other things, we are just doing what feels right/practical/affordable.
Direct cremation would feel wrong and we want people to be able to say goodbye and get together after the service.