Talk to me about funerals

[TholfirWozEre]

Hi everyone,

I've put this in Chat rather than Bereavement as no one is dead (yet). I've been thinking about my funeral lately... I'm not dying, and hopefully I've got a good while yet, it's just something I'd like to make some preparations for. I'm not talking financially (don't want a funeral plan), nor about setting things in stone, I'd just like some ideas for things I would like to include. I haven't been to all that many funerals, so I'm a bit in the dark.

Some things I'm thinking about:

• I'm not religious, so no church or minister. I do know a funeral celebrant, who I'm going to talk to soon. My dad's funeral was conducted by someone who had never met him, and I'd rather have someone I know if possible.

• what to include in the ceremony. Songs? Poems? Readings? I've got a couple of ideas but sometimes I think of something I'd like and then look at all the words and realise it's inappropriate, e.g. I love John Donne but am struggling to find a poem that doesn't include religion or sex!

• cremation/burial. Probably cremation, but what to do with the ashes? I don't want them to sit on a shelf for years just because no one can make a decision on them, so I'd like to make a request myself. I've been thinking the local park - I might need permission? And would it make my relatives sad then to go to the park. A woodland burial/ash interment might be nice, but there are none particularly close. (Perhaps that's actually a good thing for family as they wouldn't feel obligated to do regular visits?)

• gathering. I'd like some kind of get together afterwards, though I'm not too fussed what. Perhaps with some of my favourite foods!

What else should I include? Do you have requests for your funeral, and what are they?

😆😆😆 Oh no!!! Not want you need in that moment 🤣🤣

Well they do eventually, but how quickly will they have access to those funds? Will they have access to your money or will it need to go through probate? That could take forever.

I’ve been to a lot of funerals, and organised two.

A really good approach imo is to say whether you’d prefer cremation or burial if you have a preference, a type of location or a choice of a few, and to give a selection of poems/readings, a selection of music, and a preferred charity or two for donations. Other than that, unless you’re going to die in a few weeks, you risk making things very difficult for your bereaved relatives.

You don’t know the circumstances of your death, or how your family will be feeling. Give them some options, but if you give some ideas it does mean they have some pathways to follow.

@WilfredsPies banks will release estate funds for funerals, and funeral directors will wait for a time as well.

Direct Cremation for me
The money that I would have spent on a Funeral/Wake I want my DC's to jet off somewhere nice and have a bloody good holiday
Then they can come home scatter me on my favourite beach toddle off to the pub and raise a glass of whisky to me...then eat their own bodyweight in Lindt Chocolate

From arranging a funeral last year, what I really wished we had was a list of who to inform and invite. We tried our best but I still feel guilty that there are lots of people who didn't know or who still may not. The person didn't have a mobile or anything with up to date contacts which I suppose could have helped on that score, but a list I would have loved!!

I'm 44 and an ex nurse ive planned and paid for my funeral my family know my wishes . This was spured by a life altering event at aged 40. I think after working in palliative care I would love to see more people open to talking about there wishes ahead of time.

I think one of the best things we can do for those left behind is to give them some ideas of what is wanted

Not too specific so that if something is too difficult for them they don't feel obliged, but with enough detail that they know it's what was wanted.

FIL left a document listing the things he cared about - so no religion, either council celebrant or a Humanist (pref the latter), didn't mind burial or cremation, left a list of 4/5 readings he liked, 6 of his favourite songs, and wee things like he'd prefer family flowers only or no flowers as they're a waste and he'd prefer donations to a charity.

It meant MIL knew at every step that he'd like what she chose. He set that up after his father died and nobody had any clue at all about his wishes.

Absolutely! That is on my to-do list as well... A list of people to contact fairly quickly, and maybe a second-tier Christmas card-type list lol. My contacts are mostly in my mobile or address book, but if someone went through those lists they would risk telling people I haven't actually seen for 10 years, while there might be others who I contact by email etc. and aren't in my phone list.

We scattered my mums ashes at her favourite national trust property. Im pretty sure that's not allowed, so my siblings and Dad walk in with an urn and a trowel and bury her ashes. She would be happy with that. It just makes me chuckle my Dad digging in the flower beds and my siblings and me denying all knowledge of what hes doing as people walk by.

My dad wrote everything he wanted down a little while after my mum died suddenly and we had no idea what she would of wanted as it had never come up as didn’t imagine the worse happening!

It was a blessing as I could organise exactly what he wanted and took a load off my shoulders!!

Im sure your celebrant friend can advise!

Although for myself I’d probably opt for one of those pure cremation things and a gathering with cheese and red wine!!

I think you are sensible to plan a bit.
I have booked( and paid for) a wheelbarrow-style cremation `a la *WilfredsPies and left £1000 in a brown envelope for the dcs to have a celebration afterwards.
It would be very kind if someone would collect the ashes and scatter them in local woodland where my lovely old dog is scattered but I won't be holding my breath...

*Obviously

The best way to organise a funeral is to have a paid for funeral plan OP. There's no point in wanting frills if your family can't afford to pay for it.

The celebrant alone is nearly 300 quid here. Viewing a body is a cost on its own. Never mind where you want ashes scattered. Which is tricky as they're toxic to scatter. Scattering ashes somewhere you feel like is as selfish as doing a balloon release

Both my parents want direct cremations. My dad then wants me to spread his ashes on Pen-Y-Fan (don't die in the winter then dad as I'm not climbing up there in howling gales!) and my mum doesn't mind as long as her ashes are mixed with those of the cats! Neither are religious, so this all makes sense, but in the interests of ritual I plan to have a celebration of life thing for them both, but probably six months down the line. Drinks and food in a pub somewhere. Invite the family, fairly informal, and nothing too maudlin. I personally want a water cremation but they are not licensed in Wales yet - in Ireland they are. I don't so much like the idea of a furnace (yes I know I will be dead!) but cremation through the power of water appeals much more to me.

@DoseofrealityI wish my DP had done this. Having lost my dad he did have his financial affairs in order - just - but what he actually wanted for himself on an emotional level wasn’t even mentioned. I realised that him and DM never really discussed death. Thats their prerogative but it’s shit for the DC left behind, trying to organise it. I am on the wrong side of 50 myself and I absolutely planning mine down to a T - so it won’t be much, as I don’t want any fuss and I’d rather leave the £ to my own DC. We talk and joke openly about it. They are also under no illusion how I want my death to progress should I have a debilitating illness. I’ve lost many friends and acquaintances already to cancer (who didn’t make it to 55), so I’d rather be prepared.

@gamerchick I don't really want a paid plan as things can change. Right now I know lots of people, and I'd want a funeral. When I'm old and only have 3 people left who care about me, I might not. I'll know whether they can afford it as it will be my money paying for it, whether that is via a plan or out of my estate.

I totally get your point about scattering ashes, and it's something I've been giving thought to. On the other hand, they have to go somewhere. MIL still has FIL's ashes at home, mainly because there was no push to do anything with them, and the right time hasn't come up to get everyone together and scatter them, and that's something I want to avoid. I'd like it done with.

I’m a parish minister and in my experience families are greatly relieved when their loved one has left clear instructions/wishes about their funeral. Given my profession, that includes church or requesting that I take the service at the crematorium or graveside.

The kind of information people find helpful includes music, readings, where to have the service and the tea afterwards. One man left instructions that he’d like local hotel to cater his funeral tea, and to have it in the village hall as the church hall was “rather dismal” - which was a fair comment! He wanted champagne and canapés, including a particular pate from Sainsbury’s. He also left clear instructions about the kind of gravestone he wanted - not shiny black marble with gold lettering, and the wording to go on it.

You could specify what kind of coffin you’d like - wicker or traditional, and if you have a preference for particular crematorium or graveyard. Also say whether or not you’d like ashes to be split and scattered or buried in different places or not.

Leave space for the living to add their own meaning to the service and gathering as that will help them.

Thanks @Albless, lots to think about there.

My funeral is going to be very low key. Like me.

i don’t celebrate my birthday, we got married in secret, seriously loathe gatherings.

so its gonna be a quick simple burial in the village. No church/chapel/tea. I dont see why DH or the kids should pay for tea to feed others. Such a ridiculous expense.

ive told them to have a Chinese takeaway with our close friends.

BTW Im not dying!

I have no opinion on my own funeral. I find it quite odd people being prescriptive about the one thing that can absolutely not affect them because they'll be dead.

Cremate me with no one in attendance, have a full requiem mass with the world and his wife in attendance, anything in between. It's none of my business.

Nobody has to claim the ashes. The crem will scatter them in the designated place if that's what you want.

I have organised two funerals. One where we had no idea what the deceased wanted and it did cause worry at an already difficult time. Lots of agonising between the siblings about music choices, readings, would they have wanted cremation or burial etc. If they had no preferences at all, like some PPs are saying then it would at least have been helpful to know they didn't care what we organised.

The other was the complete opposite. Planned to the last detail in advance so we knew exactly what they wanted. It was very helpful but in a way left no room for the family to add in things they would have liked and really, funerals are for the living.

I think I'll go for an option somewhere between the two. DH already knows that I want to be cremated and where I want my ashes scattered. I think perhaps I'll aim to leave an envelope of cash to cover the costs with a few suggestions of readings and songs and then tell them to have a big party and do the rest as they see fit.

My lovely Mum planned her funeral and it was so helpful. She was religious, but knew that we aren’t. It meant that the service could reflect her, and it freed us from the stress of planning everything. She had already bought a double plot, when she buried my father.

She had planned venue, service plan, celebrant, cemetery, and where the tea afterwards would be. It was so very kind and was her last act of caring for us.

I’m sure that your loved ones will appreciate you planning for them.

It will affect your loved ones though. You are leaving them to make these decisions at what is already a difficult time for them.