Talk to me about funerals

[TholfirWozEre]

Hi everyone,

I've put this in Chat rather than Bereavement as no one is dead (yet). I've been thinking about my funeral lately... I'm not dying, and hopefully I've got a good while yet, it's just something I'd like to make some preparations for. I'm not talking financially (don't want a funeral plan), nor about setting things in stone, I'd just like some ideas for things I would like to include. I haven't been to all that many funerals, so I'm a bit in the dark.

Some things I'm thinking about:

• I'm not religious, so no church or minister. I do know a funeral celebrant, who I'm going to talk to soon. My dad's funeral was conducted by someone who had never met him, and I'd rather have someone I know if possible.

• what to include in the ceremony. Songs? Poems? Readings? I've got a couple of ideas but sometimes I think of something I'd like and then look at all the words and realise it's inappropriate, e.g. I love John Donne but am struggling to find a poem that doesn't include religion or sex!

• cremation/burial. Probably cremation, but what to do with the ashes? I don't want them to sit on a shelf for years just because no one can make a decision on them, so I'd like to make a request myself. I've been thinking the local park - I might need permission? And would it make my relatives sad then to go to the park. A woodland burial/ash interment might be nice, but there are none particularly close. (Perhaps that's actually a good thing for family as they wouldn't feel obligated to do regular visits?)

• gathering. I'd like some kind of get together afterwards, though I'm not too fussed what. Perhaps with some of my favourite foods!

What else should I include? Do you have requests for your funeral, and what are they?

And I'll happily answer specific questions if asked directly for an idea. What's really odd to me is the people that go "I hate funerals so I'm not having one". It's nothing to do with you! If people want to have a big do down the pub then tough if you wouldn't haven't wanted it, you're gone.

OP, the funeral celebrant you know, if they are a good one, should be able to go over all of this with you in detail, re how to 'design' a funeral and what is possible (practically anything - that is the beauty of a celebrant led funeral). They may even have ideas that you had never thought of! They should also have many resources - poems, readings, etc., which might give you some inspiration.

If you are not happy with that particular celebrant, get local recommendations for a really good one.

You may or may not be aware that Humanist celebrants cannot do or say anything remotely religious in their services. So if you wanted, say, even one hymn, or a psalm, it would be better to go with a civil celebrant. They can do anything at all.

All the best to you. I like your foresight.

I lost my dad in June and over the years he'd mentioned the music he wanted, so that was straightforward enough. I wasn't very impressed with the celebrant, though. I emailed over some information about Dad's life, thinking she would turn it into a proper eulogy. Nope. She more or less read out what I'd sent, word for word. I did a speech myself too though, because Dad had done it for Grandad, so I wanted to do it for him.

Dad wanted to go in a family plot, which was fine, but there was no space for a coffin in there. I have a vague memory of Dad saying he didn't want to be cremated, but a new plot would have cost 2.5k and then he wouldn't have been exactly where he wanted to go. So we decided to cremate him and now he's in the family plot like he wanted.

I do think I need to get something on paper for what I want for my funeral, just in case! I lost a good friend unexpectedly last year who was only 42. You just never know what might happen.

My spouse has died very suddenly and it has been a massive burden trying to get every thing I think they might want sorted out.
The time I have spent doing this, I could have been spending supporting our children.

Once the funeral has passed I will be putting a plan, will and my wishes in place and telling my family where to find it.

@OpalSpirit I’m so sorry for your loss

I’ve not given much thought to it to be honest but it’s something I should as I don’t like the idea of hard earned money being wasted on unnecessary fripperies. That said I do like flowers and love to see a natural almost wild floral display decorating a coffin.
I’ve been to a fair few funerals now and as a lapsed churchgoer the ones in church have for the most part been meaningless - hopefully not for the close family.

Those in the crematorium have been varied, with some more personal than others but at the most memorable one no words were spoken other than by the undertaker who lead the coffin in and announced that the deceased (an elderly gentleman with no close family but many friends) had requested that we each remembered him in silence in our own way. He had chosen his favourite piece of music for us to listen to and once the curtains had closed around the coffin and the music had ended we all left in silence.
At the other extreme was the funeral held at the natural burial site on the cliffs above Penzance. The deceased was a young woman in her 40’s who in many ways had lived an unconventional life but was also a highly respected English teacher and an obviously much loved friend to many. There was no celebrant and the whole ceremony had been put together by her parents and closest friends with direction from her, and involved a mix of readings, live music, and the most wonderful eulogy from her best friend. It took place on a grey cold day just before Christmas, and when the time came for her coffin to be taken to the burial plot she had chosen it was transported up the field on what appeared to be an old piece of farm machinery with us all (and there were many, including her dog) following behind.
She had asked that a specific piece from the Tempest should be read as her coffin was lowered into the ground. Until that moment the rain had held off but almost on cue the heavens opened and a storm blew up. It was as if she was directing the proceedings, and all the more so because almost as soon as the last piece of earth had dropped on coffin the sun came out and continued to shine throughout the whole afternoon whilst we celebrated her life at the hotel overlooking St Michael’s Mount. It was the perfect end really.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having the practical aspects to deal with on top of the emotional ones must be so tough.

For your own future, there is a thread about preparing for old age, which I have found useful for ideas. Topics range from downsizing and decluttering (I feel too young for this) to wills and POAs (for which you're never too young).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5402483-what-dealing-with-elderly-parents-has-made-you-think-you-will-do-differently?reply=146831469

@millymae thank you for sharing. The Penzance ceremony sounds amazing. Despite being 60 I have been to very few funerals (only 4 I think) and none locally, so I have little experience to go on.

My dad decided on and paid for a direct cremation. No service, so fuss, no nothing. In the aftermath of his sudden death I was devastated. He had so many friends and acquaintances, and being asked over and over when the funeral was so they could come was heartbreaking, when I had to say there wasn’t going to be one. I’d have liked to arrange a memorial service for him, but my mum couldn’t cope with that, so that was it.

For that reason, I’m not making any plans for my funeral. I’ll be dead so it won’t affect me in the slightest. My husband and children can do what they want to and what’s best for them.

What a shame @FlatWhiteExtraHot .

I always wonder if I should pay for my funeral now, I wonder if the cost of funerals changes much over the years or if I should just have money available for my children to decide what to do at the time.
Does anyone know if the price changes much?

I am 49.. kids are in their 20's

Just to add that I found it healing and positive to make a funeral for my late Dh. I liked being able to make it any way I wanted, and I think he would almost certainly have written down things that would have upset either me or his parents. I do think if you don’t have any strong views on a funeral, don’t write stuff down just for the sake of it.

I have written down my funeral wishes and gone through them with dh and dd.
Direct cremation, ashes scattered in 3 specific places.
A celebration of my life if they want it.

I would advise against a willow woven coffin. They squeak when they move.

Both my paternal grandparents had willow coffins. They are surprisingly expensive.

But did give rise to an excellent moment when my then 5 year old cousin (23 years my junior) was most put out. My aunt had carefully explained to him that granny would be in a special box and it was our chance to say goodbye. On seeing the coffin enter the church he called out most indignantly, "that's not a box mummy, it's a basket".

I thought my FIL’s willow coffin was beautiful, and there was no squeaking audible, though I wasn’t a pallbearer.

A place near me does coffins of all kinds and designs. I'm not sure that's what I'd want the money to be spent on though. Then again, I remember my mum being very upset at having to choose my dad's coffin. I suppose it comes down to sharing your preferences in advance of death, so it makes things a bit easier for those left behind.

My mum discussed it with me in depth when she was in her last days. She had some alterations she wanted to make to her original plan, since she found out the environmental cost of creamation. So we did a very green funeral for her.

Green burial site, no markers, humanist celebrant, the flowers were native species picked within 2 miles of where she lived, no cellophane or plastic wrap. Biodegradable coffin, graveside eulogy by the celebrant, a poem read by eldest grandchild and a (pre-recorded) song by her younger grandchildren. It was lovely, really. Almost 200 friends and family and a berautiful tribute to her.

My dad will be buried in the same plot.

My FIL wanted a direct cremation, insisted no service, nothing said or done to mark it, ashes scattered at the garden of remembrance of the cemetery his parents and grandparents were at. His children and grrandchildren found that extremely difficult. They were very upset at the lack of closure. It wasn't the best experience.

I want a green burial, don't care who wants to speak or doesn't, it's up to them. No religion. But if my family want to have a meal out courtesy of my estate (such as it is) they're more than welcome. I like the idea of being part of the carbon cycle, my atoms going on to become part of plants and insects and funghi and everything.

If I had a memorial thing, I'd quite like a bench at the local RSPB reserve. I'm always grateful to those who've had benches put there so I can rest my arthritic joints while I go to see the birds and otters. I thank them by name when sit on them.

Is it weird to have a favourite coffin? I definitely do. Family run woollen mill since the 1700s makes them.

www.awhainsworth.co.uk/brand/natural-legacy/

My FIL wanted a direct cremation, insisted no service, nothing said or done to mark it, ashes scattered at the garden of remembrance of the cemetery his parents and grandparents were at. His children and grrandchildren found that extremely difficult. They were very upset at the lack of closure. It wasn't the best experience.
This is exactly the kind of thing I find incredibly selfish. To insist on something that can't possibly affect you after you've died and make your loved ones feel bad about it. I don't think there is any requirement for anyone to follow the wishes of the deceased if it isn't how they want to remember them.

Hell yes, I've been thinking about this since I was about 16: I want a horse-drawn hearse (horses in purple plumes, natch), professional mourners rending their garments etc...

No, seriously, I have a funeral plan which states my wishes (cremation, then where to be scattered ideally, although I'll be dead so I won't know), a vague idea of things I'd like to be included in a service, instructions for a party and most importantly a fairly decent fund which should (assuming all goes well) be worth a decent amount by the time I shuffle off this mortal coil (currently 46).

The OH and I are childfree by choice, so I'm relying on my nieces and nephews to do the right thing by us, but I intend to make it as easy as possible for them.

@DappledThings - he always was a selfish old bugger. We loved him, but he was hard work.

If it was down to me I'd have arranged something anyway, because funerals and all that are for the benefit of those remaining. But his children felt they had to follow his wishes. Fair enough. They found it very hard, though, the poor things.

People seem really split on direct cremations (and other things!). It might well be the case that when you die that's it, and nothing affects you any more (at least, that's what I believe), but your choices can have a big effect on your nearest and dearest. When I am a bit further on with my ideas I will defintely share them with immediate family, and take their thoughts into account.