How do you manage work and the school run in secondary?

[GonkSocks]

If you and your DP both work 9-5 type office jobs with a commute, how do you split the school run, or just being at home for you kids, if your kids are in secondary school?

For context, recently DH and I have both been hybrid, where he's required 3 office days and I'm required 2, so it was easy to just have each of us do both runs on the days we were home. My office is switching to 3 days in office soon, so that won't work anymore.

DS just started Y7, so wraparound care seems to have disappeared.

He's able to get himself to and from school on the bus, but could use someone around in the morning to make sure he's getting out the door, and I'm not sure I feel great about leaving him alone for hours in the afternoon.

I think we'll manage by having DH go to the office a bit late one day, and me come home a bit early that same day, but I'm just wondering, what other things do you all do in this situation?

We're lucky. My work and (slightly less so) DH's are likely to allow a bit of flexibility, so my first thought was to have me flex my day a bit early and DH flex his slightly late on the overlap day, so he would be around in the morning and me in the afternoon, but I wanted to see what other people do, just to think through options.

Likely we will do that, but also start working on getting DS to be a bit more independent, as many have suggested. It's just something I lost track of, since we were lucky enough not to need to worry about it until now.

Are there no after school clubs at all in his secondary school. My DS used to go to after school rugby practice one day and football or cricket another day. DD went to choir practice.

There are, they just don't run very late, 4:30 or so at the latest, as far as I can tell. The school library closes at 4:15.

I should have said (though I thought it was obvious) I meant here in the UK. I understand it’s different where you are. As the OP appears to also be in the UK, she also won’t have had a 7 year old travel by alone to school either.

We found avoiding after school clubs worked better on the days we weren't around. Walking home with loads of other children at 3pm - fine. Walking home by herself past 4pm when it's dark in winter, and the streets are emptier, she felt much more vulnerable. Ideally they'd walk with a friend but we're quite far from school so she'd always end up doing a big chunk of the journey by herself.

Coming home with the crowd, and having a bit longer home alone, felt much easier and is quite manageable a couple of times a week for a lot of 11 year olds, I think.

@Sweetleftfood No, I didn't mention when I need to leave in the morning, but it's usually before DH does, so that's why his morning time is more relevant to the problem.

@Ddakji Yes, I'm in the UK, where letting 7-year-old go home from school alone is definitely not a thing. Last year, in Year 6, they were allowed to get to and from school by themselves, it just didn't prepare us much, because we were lucky enough to live right across from his primary school.

Yes we know that, she has a year 7, so 11 or perhaps 12 already, my point is that year 7s in the UK are usually expected to be a bit more independent, similar to 7 year olds here, but seems like she has a work around that will work for them and will also work on independence so all is good.

How times change. In my day virtually all children from 7 walked to school on their own, got buses etc. No one imagined that a child of 11 wouldn't be able to let themselves in or out of the house or they couldn't be on their own for a few hours. The norm was children going out on their own 'don't be late for dinner ' being the sum total of the involvement of parents. The previous generation were taking themselves to work at 12/13. We are not doing children any favours by infantilising them.

Definitely think it's time to look at increasing his independence. When ds was nearly 9yrs old. I was off work unwell for 6 weeks, during that time instead of me taking him to school and the childminder picking him up, he got himself there and back, I appreciate there was someone in the home, the positive impact for him on doing this was impressive.

I'm a single mum. Ex does nothing so I drop ds at the school bus stop every morning at 7.40 and then go to work. I start at 8.30am, finish at 5pm, then (Tues thru Thurs) I collect ds from the school bus stop at 5.30.

On Mondays and Fridays, the school bus arrives at 4.30 so DS walks the four miles home. I thought he'd hate it, but the fresh air & exercise cheers him up. I normally get home about the same time, but he has his own key anyway.

It’s secondary school. Not primary.

I think you’re very lucky if you live in an area where your children are able to get themselves to school on a school bus or public transport
Most parents I know if they wanted their children to go to the grammar school they needed to drop them off because the school bus service was unreliable or inadequate
And public transport meant two or three buses across town
Which with the current rights of truancy I do wonder whether it’s partly to blame with expected buses and trains and just not turning up for them and then the kids not having that resilience to think of a Plan B

In your day, I believe you’re at the Moores murderers that stole the children off the street too.
Fun times

Mine leave before me as kern to get there for pre school activities etc. They make own way back, and then relax at home til Im back. I can see where they are via their phones and they call or text with any questions! Snacks and wifi and they’re as happy as anything til Im home. It’s good for them for a few hours - although they get thru a fortune in snacks!!!

ask for some flexibility from your job for a few days. Use those to go through with DS what’s involved in him being solo doing school run - walk or do the public transport with him once or twice . Meet him around the corner from school (not the school gate - to go with him back home but let him find the way.

Go through how to get into the house and deal with any alarm. Talk him through what he’s expected to do when he gets home - change out of uniform and dirty elements into laundry hamper; get a snack and drink (and tidy up); start homework. Ground rules about the/games only after homework. Who is local to call on in emergencies, or what is your household emergency plan? Is he confident using kettle/cooker etc? Does he have all important numbers in his phone? Does he know where there’s always an emergency tenner in a drawer (for proper “we need a loaf of bread” rather than “I fancy a bag of chips” emergency…or however you define it). And do you want a call to say he’s home (at least initially), or ping a text, or you can see him on “find my” or similar, or are you happy to trust him to call in emergencies but not otherwise?

In just a few days, he will likely surprise you how confident and happy he’ll be to sort himself. and there may well be study hall in school or afterschool activities (sports, book club, debating, music etc) that he can look at joining as well so he may not need to rush straight home at the end of classes.

Amazed to hear of all these schools that have breakfast and homework provision at secondary, none of the state schools we have access to allow kids onsite before 8.30am and they kick them out promptly at 3.15(!) unless they are attending a club or sports practice. The library shuts at 3.15 and there are no homework clubs. Kids aren’t even allowed to wait on site if they miss a bus or something!

Im pretty sure our DC school doesnt have a breakfast club although there are (in the summer term at least) a few sports clubs before school...but they won't appeal to everyone.
I think the library was open until 4.30pm.and there are sports clubs but again it depends if a) they are interested and b) if its available for that age group. They aren't guaranteed.

Great advice @BiddyPopthe2nd

They are safer at home than out and about IMO. They need emergency plans, "what if" discussions. I made sure mine were able to knock on a neighbour's door, phone a stranger etc.

Or if you are not feeling it, childminders will often take Y7/8. A CM in walking distance of the school may be an option. I forecast it wouldn't be long before you were both comfortable with him going home alone instead, but it's an option. Several of my friends' children have done this a few days a week, when parents are late home every day, to break up the week.

I brought my children up to be independent and look after themselves. They walked home together from primary school and let themselves in. I never took either of them to secondary school and they came home and got on with their homework till i got home. I walked to and from Primary school through a council estate and crossed a main road. To get to secondary school I had a walk and then a bus.

I leave just after dc. They get back first but can be alone for a while now they are secondary age. I am back some days around the same time. I wouldn’t leave them for hours every day as I like to know what they are up to.

There are other ways to give them independence though - walking to the shops or around town, going to the cinema, going to the park etc.

Surely he's been doing all of those things?

I’m really surprised at the lack of independence some children have at secondary school age. Do these children never go out alone? Or is it just being at home alone that worries people?

Ds is a young one in his school year, suspected ADHD, and can be a bit impulsive. With that in mind, I made sure we started working on independence and safety from about age 8. Small things at first, like me dropping him off at the swimming pool to meet his friends, then collecting him later. Then progressed to him walking home (about a 20 min walk) and me meeting him part way where there was a big road to cross, and so on until he eventually could get himself there and back either walking or biking.

At home I left him to pop to the local shop from around the same age (out of the house for 10 min or so), then progressed to leaving him for longer. At 10 he would stay at home in the school holidays whilst I was at work some days. From age 11, he would ride his bike to meet up with friends in the holidays, take his lunch with him and be out all day. If they weren’t using bikes he’d get on the bus to meet up with them.

I always have some easy freezer food/noodles in, so that if he brings a friend back whilst I’m out, they can just use the air fryer to make lunch.

This was all before he started high school, so I didn’t really think about it as he was up and running with being independent already

I had no issue with leaving DD alone at that age. But I do think that having someone at home when they come home from school is no bad thing - just to have a chat or flop together doing Wordle or even to pour their heart out after a difficult day.

People have often said in here that it’s teens who need their parents more than toddlers, and I think there’s some truth in that.

And transition to secondary is a big thing.

Secondary age kids should be OK to get themselves to school and to be alone for a few hours in the afternoon. I'll admit, we don't have this issue, as I WFH 4 days a week, and DH is usually WFH as well, but if we were going into the office I'd have fully expected them to be home for a few hours without us.

Pre covid we had au pairs, but I realised after a few months that by the time the lockdowns were fully over, I'd be WFH most of the time, DS would be old enough to walk to and from school as it'd be Y6 and we weren't going to need childcare anymore. I think if covid hadn't happened, I'd have stopped having au pair when DS, who is our youngest, started secondary.