If you have grown up children, what do you wish you had taught them?

[tryingtomakesenseof]

Currently parenting two school aged children and I sometimes wonder if I’m doing “enough”!

I really don’t think you should worry about this. I think you should try and be a role model every day, so when tough situations come up in their lives (as of course they will) they will remember your behaviour and copy from that. So that includes not putting up with domestic violence in the home, or dishonesty. Being kind and patient. Time for elder relatives (you want this one to sink in, so they do the same with you!).

If you wanted a specific list of items to tick off (and again, I don’t entirely think this is a good idea to focus on), I think by the time someone is 18 and/or the age they leave the parental home, they should be able to do the following. And often parents invest time and money with their kids to help them do these things -

1. have a driver’s licence and know how to drive
2. have a passport
3. have a bank account, a small amount in savings and if they have had their own job as a teenager, and understanding that some/a percentage can be spent and some must be saved
4. know how to swim
5. have the ability to regulate their own emotions. So when tough things like exams, breakups, tough days at work etc happen, they can feel the emotion, but self manage it.
6. Play/be ok at a sport they love for exercise and for socialising. The ability to make friends via sport is often overlooked, and it’s also a very healthy mental health outlook.
7. to understand long term gratification. The reason why studying now, or delaying things now, can produces long term positive results for them.
8. If they have a job, start a pension fund for them and impress on them the importance of paying into it early and often. Small amounts at 18 are worth so much.
9. an understanding of the importance of sleep, healthy food, vitamin D etc all play in happiness, and that alcohol etc are depressants. Fine to have them in moderation, but the understanding that if they feel down at uni etc, they should get outside and get some fresh air and exercise to start to feel better. My Mum used to insist I go outside for a 10 min run in the fresh air/sunshine, a shower, some fruit and a big glass of water, and it really did solve a lot of problems, or at least make me start to feel better about solving them myself. I still do this today and think of how wise she was.
10. knowing how to read music - optional, but I’m glad I do

From the opposite perspective op, (i only have little children):

I wish my parents had taught me about money. There was no attempt whatsoever to help me understand examples of how much they earned, or how much someone on minimum wage might earn, versus how much living costs are, or how to go about paying bills/utilities or budgeting, or saving, or getting into debt, or how a credit file can affect you.

We had a big financial issue with my mother and she just screamed and cried at me, with no explanation about much these things all costed vs how much she earnt. She also told me off after one year of working for not saving enough for uni, instead of talking me through things at the start.

So i’d say please cover as many bases as you can with money and bills.

I have one who is just an adult and honestly, I wish id had a bit more fun with him and not worried as much about some things that can come across like 'project raise a child'

What @3LemonsAndLimesays. Plus the confidence to function as an adult. Let them make mistakes and learn from them, whilst they are young enough for the mistakes not to matter to much. But not too much responsibility that it overwhelms them. It’s a tough one as a parent, and it will vary from child to child, but seeing my kids confidently approach situations I would have run from at a similar age fills me will immense pride.

We did soooo many trips as a family (home exchange). Best thing we ever did Dd1 about to leave for uni and we have so many memories as a family together and are really bonded.

We were out last night as a family for her last supper no one could get a word in edgewise we have a lot to talk about as a 4. The young couple on the next table were sitting in silence. So have a fun family vibe is my advice.

We all have to do things we’d rather not, whether it’s learning your 7 x table, or washing the kitchen floor for the 803rd time.

(I hope I did teach mine this though!)

Worst thing is forcing them to do stupid activities they don’t enjoy. Forcing the violin on dd1 is my biggest parenting regret.

That sounds like a fun upbringing GETTING!

I think the only really important thing is to teach them to be happy! This obviously isn't simple but enjoying the small things, accepting failure, decent body image, accepting what life throws at you with the confidence to deal with it, etc. ALSO - you need to accept that raising children identically doesn't give them the same skills - I have five, and as adults, they are all different!
Good luck x

In the summer after a-levels, ours did an online excel course. It’s been invaluable for them of in their working lives.

Agree tricia those that are never satisfied or appreciative will never be happy and that is a curse into adulthood.

Things I’m glad I’ve taught my older teens -
A work ethic. This is schoolwork, jobs and chores in the home
A sense of adventure and to try new things
Compassion and thinking of others. This includes charity.
Too early to help with financial stuff but they are savers rather than spenders but will spend on somethings and on others

Things I wish I had done better
Spend time with them. Everything was and is so rushed on a day to day basis.
Spend time just doing something fun and that makes us laugh.
Shout less. Much less. Due to everything feeling rushed, I nag then shout so everyone can be on time.

Teach them to be sociable. Head up , look at people, keep your voice up. Table manners not silver service which glass is which( although I find that interesting) but just normal manners.
Teach them to love reading if you can.
Above all to your own self be true.

I have a 10-year gap between DC 2 and 3, so I get to live out this experiment.

I thought I would do many things differently, but I don't. The person I am influences the mother I am, and that is consistent.

I don't sweat the small stuff with DC3. I know she'll eventually adopt a balanced diet, discover something she loves, and find a way to stay active. I don't worry if she's excelling at a sport or at the top of her reading group. She'll sort through the friendship dramas, she needs me to listen. If I micromanage the little things, they only get in the way of an easy relationship. I try very hard to be present in the moment and enjoy having a 9-year-old. I know she'll grow in the blink of an eye.

Apparently I never taught them how to chop an onion so they dont cry. Im sure I did!

Reading and social skills totally agree with that.

Ours a “pleasure to teach” and frequently get invited on other families holidays so know I got the social skills bit right.

Teach them about money - how it works, why borrowing money is always a bad idea (unless for buying a house or maybe a car), why credit cards can get people into trouble, and the importance of saving.

I started when the kids were very young (like 5). Handed over the purse at the shop and let them pay so they got used to paying at the till, having the change counted back.

Also taking pride in your work, whatever it is. And not being an arsehole.

All grown up now in their 30s and it seemed to have worked out pretty well!

I’m very glad I made them get a job as soon as they were 16. Dd especially did not want to get one but one of my friends knew someone hiring so off she went…she stuck that p/t job out for six months but the experience enabled her to get one she wanted. She worked p/t all through 6th form and uni and it was the making of her.

It's really hard, because there are things that are simply down to their personality - we taught them the common sense things but they go through the teenage years unlearning everything you've taught them, and it's only when they come out the other side and reach their mid twenties do you see their fully formed selves who then evolve and grow.

I think it's really important to teach them a world view - make them aware of inequalities and how fortunate they are to live where they do, to help them have an understanding of social justice, to understand that money and wealth should be used to better the world rather than the few, to look beyond their own borders.

Oh, and to pitch in and work hard at whatever they do - no-one likes a layabout.

have the ability to regulate their own emotions. So when tough things like exams, breakups, tough days at work etc happen, they can feel the emotion, but self manage it

Very good advice. I swear a lot of kids with MH issues just weren't taught to take stuff on the chin and not make a drama of things like I do

And yes - teach them about investing in index funds.

But mostly, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Ignore me

My youngest (of 4) is 21. I can honestly say I have not once thought "ohh I should have taught them this"

Ensure they can cook my view was a roast dinner with dessert. As if you can make that you can sort most recipes.

Ensure they know how to seperate laundry and how to use a washing machine

Asked dd3 and ds 21 &23. What the worst bit was others didnt know to do at uni
they said

Cook rice/pasta - dont cook pasta in a frying pan
Laundry - dont put a single sock in the washing machine
Eat breadcrusts (dd3 feels strongly about this)
Clean up after themselves. In particular clean the toilet. Wash beard shavings away.

To only continue with higher education if they feel it will benefit them
to not have to have a career plan at 16
to not worry about meeting a man and settling down
to travel

I couldn't agree more with this. My parents are actually quite good with money - set to retire soon on hefty private pensions - but money was such a taboo topic in my house while I was growing up. I remember getting shouted at when I was about five for asking what my mum earned - of course I had no idea this was rude! I wish they'd talked to me about it a bit. Of course I learned most of the important stuff myself throughout my twenties, but it would have been nice to learn it during my teens.

My parents have got a lot of things right, and I’m incredibly grateful to them. However, there’s a couple of things that I grew up with that I really don’t want to pass onto my DC:

• my parents are very risk averse with money, we grew up with a limited income and it’s made it hard for me as an adult to feel comfortable making decisions around things like getting a mortgage or changing jobs which has been difficult.
• they’re not very active people, so getting out and enjoying the outdoors/finding an exercise you enjoy wasn’t really a thing for us
• related to both, we never learned to swim bc lessons cost money/they don’t like going to the pool

In the grand scheme of things, these are minor, and I’m so grateful to them for the academic, personal and social values they’ve passed onto me. But there are a few things I’m actively trying to teach DC because having to learn them as an adult has been tough!