If you have grown up children, what do you wish you had taught them?

[tryingtomakesenseof]

Currently parenting two school aged children and I sometimes wonder if I’m doing “enough”!

Yes I TOTALLY TOTALLY agree with this. By doing this it’s also stifling something very important - their sense of independence if you’re forcing something pointless on them

Imo it's really hard to look at your late teen / adult dc and unpick what it was you did that made them into the person they are, as opposed to genetics, their own personality and outside influences and experiences.

My dc (17 and 20) are articulate, interested in the world, pretty astute about political and social matters, frugal with money, very unmaterialistic / unentitled about things like presents etc. They are also pretty practical and confident about doing stuff off their own bat. They are pretty kind (dd more than ds tbh).

I don't always think we've said enough to them about how to navigate relationships or what a good one should be like (though we've modelled one) or instilled a strong work ethic. Didn't really teach them to cook, but dd seems to have learnt that with no problem at uni and ds can do a bit.

I have 3 grown up kids (and a young one) all DDs and when they chat together about their child hood i love to hear it 😍

They talk most fondly about just buggering about in the house and garden together! The silly games they'd play.

The simple UK bucket and spade caravan holidays we took.

The pets we had.

The funny everyday stuff that happened.

The things they made and played with (paper dolls and paper clothes for them) (when we weren't that well off).

The way they had to share the PS1 (!) in the living room on our only tv and the times i banned screens (the ps1 and the tv - the only 'screens' there were to ban back then!) for 2 weeks at a time sometimes to make them pleasant humans again and how they appreciate it now.

Times have changed since the 90s/naughties of course and parenting my youngest is a different ball game. BUT - i continue to try to show that to be content and happy with what you have around you, and enjoy family time without always having cash to splash and DOING things and living through pics on instagram, sets you up for a content and peaceful adult life 😊

teach then to NEVER feel guilty saying no to any social situation they don’t want to participate in. It doesn’t matter if they’ve got no other friends / social life. They will almost certainly going forward into adulthood acquire friends and a social life. Things is as kids we don’t choose our school for instance or our wider social environment.

Remember- No one in adulthood has the authority to tell you you HAVE to socialise

it’s streetwise. Not selfish saying no .. by saying no to something you don’t want to do you’re reducing the chances of being bullied or used/manipulated/humiliated

My DDs are mid to late 20s, they have both lived away from my home since they went to university at 18, with some time back, between courses and for Covid.

They were the ones who understood how to cook, clean and wash when they arrived at uni, not because I had specifically made a point to teach them, but because from a young age they had shadowed me (followed me around the house) and I would include them and let them help. I don't know if it was because I worked full-time, so I would do things like cleaning and washing at the weekends when they were around. Other skills too, like how to reset the fuses, garden, build IKEA furniture and decorate. For reference, they also learnt from their dad, my DH, as these are all chores we shared. We never set out a plan to give them the skills it just happened naturally.

For finances, we gave them an allowance once they were in year 9 and they were then allowed to budget and spend as they wanted on clothes, going out etc.

Work ethic, neither were forced to get a job as soon as they could, but the both worked in the summers.

Experiences, clubs etc were always their choice, except learning to swim which was compulsory. One had interests that they did for years (and still do now), the other tried loads, got bored and moved onto the next thing. As an adult she is better and has found her interests and sport..

I like to think that they are well rounded adults and I don't think they would say I failed to prepare them or overprepared them.

The most important notion I taught my kids is to have an investment mindset. Not just about money but everything in life. If you want the best rewards, you have to put the efforts and sacrifices first. Instant gratification is the killer of future benefits.

Its really paid off for both of them, both in terms of starting to appreciate some of the rewards but also because it makes them grateful and appreciative of them.

The idea of not borrowing is quite an old fashioned idea - debt can be a useful tool. But agree that you need to know what you’re doing to make it work.

Yep lead by example.

Table manners. I wish I had been more consistent with this. As an adult, my daughter sits with her head almost in her plate, and manages to make a noticeable mess on the table. I have NO IDEA how this slipped past me, as I was red hot on all other manners things ☹️

Teens here.

So far - the magic of compound interest, how to cook basic nutritious meals, to trust your gut & not to people please - you don't owe anyone anything - if a situation feels off in any way at all then walk away.

I wish I’d taught them that Mothers Day is very important , and that buying a bunch of flowers for your mother when you come for Sunday lunch is standard practice.

What a reasonable functional relationship is supposed to look like (eg modelling respect and a healthy relationship within your own marriage/ partnership)

who you choose as your partner has just as much (if not more) of an effect on your success and happiness going forward than schooling/ education or background. With the right partner, your child can fly. The wrong one can drag them down.

I never realised how toxic my parents marriage is. I thought it was normal. I chose someone who subconsciously was the “right fit” but actually I was mimicking unhealthy patterns. We have both had our eyes opened, been to counselling and improved, but it’s hard work and fundamentally we aren’t really compatible, so every day is a fight and compromise. I didn’t have the self worth, or understanding of who I was to know this before I’d married/ had kids.

Teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like.

This is excellent advice !!

my mum turned me into a people pleaser by calling me selfish for not socialising enough and saying “your father and I want you to make friends” even when I was a teenager !

I took this to heart and it turned me into such a people pleaser I got horribly bullied and humiliated

I tried to model kindness and compassion. Two are two really are quite nasty tbh. It makes me desperately sad and also makes me realise that no matter what we do we really have very little influence. That was a hard hard pill to swallow

Teach them how money works

That for the majority of people, a nice life will take years of graft to achieve, start early

There is nothing wrong with saying no

Trust ur gut when it comes to people, some are arseholes and aren't worth ur time

Ask for help when you need it, don't struggle on your own

Stand up for yourself- you have ur own voice. My mum was always so submissive with my dad. I have brought up my daughter to argue back with her own opinions.

None of my DC can drive or do shoe laces, I’ve tried everything to help, teach, encourage them.

How to clean a sink and rinse out a cloth - can you tell what I’ve just been doing!

From the opposite perspective you want, I’m in my 20s and reflect on my parents all the time as I become a proper adult.

Mine weren’t great. I think they chipped at my self esteem a lot and put their own needs above mine a lot. I just think my life would have been easier if my parents instilled confidence and were more loving/supportive.

Based on my memories of my male friends at uni I'm teaching my young son how to cook and do the laundry, so he's not stinky and surviving off frozen food later in life. Never met a single woman on my course who couldn't so much as cook pasta and a tomatoes based sauce or stick a load on

I only separate laundry if something is new and may run

Money and investments is what I've tried to drum in. Get money working as hard for you as possible invested in the best place

That if, when you are a teenager, you fancy someone of the same sex that is ok. Your family will still love you, your friends will still love you and life will be good.

Give them safe space to experience failure and learning from it.
One of the benefits of sports/ arts!
Micro-managing their successes does them no favours in the long run as there will come a point when they are no longer spoon-fed and have their hands held.

When something has gone wrong, we talk through what we learned from it, and how we could do it differently.

sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing. What age do you think is appropriate to start talking about money without taking away from their childhood?

To be honest, I never really 'taught' my crew anything. I was a single parent to them for a greater part of the time and they saw me doing all the usual stuff. They all fought like mad against learning how to work a washing machine or how to cook (because, apparently, it was 'my job') but they learned nevertheless. They're all now very well balanced adults who have a good handle on life and don't seem to exhibit any huge gaps in their life learning. They've also never asked me why I never taught them how to do something.

I wish I'd taught them that be kind applies to themselves first and foremost. Its the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others. Its not selfish to look out for yourself and to not give too much that you can't cope. Its ok to do what is right for you but not necessarily others.