Is there any such thing as a nice way to end a friendship ?

[LetsBeRealisticToday]

Ideally I think you’d be able to say

look we’ve had some great times over the years, I particularly enjoyed xyz

but realistically, you make a few neggy comments, which while I understand come from a place of insecurity and you trying to make yourself feel better

but I don’t like you as much now as much as I used to

i don’t really want to spend my free time and money on you

simply there’s other things I’d rather do

also our lives have basically just moved in different directions
thats as thats just how life can go

I hope we can part with no hard feelings as I actually do wish you well
im Happy for all the good times we have had and I hope you have a good and happy life

??
well how would you react to this? Is there a nice decent way to end a friendship

if the reasons you want to end the friendship are
you’re sick of the bittching and gossiping
things you tell them they tell others

they are now quite boring
they are selfish and very self centered and want everything their own way
they lack consideration

the go on and on about the same boring issues and never take any action, just seem to be happy to be stuck in day an unhappy relationship
but moan about it a lot

they make little diggy comments in a sly way

and your interests have grown in different directions over the years

and you just don’t enjoy hanging out with them anymore and there loads of other things you’d rather do

I mean how do you end a friendship in a nice way?

of you slowly fade you’re accused of ghosting ( surely people understand not everyone wants to be friends for ever, regardless of if it’s still fun)

or say your reasons why and risk actually really messing up their heads

so is there a good and decent way to end a friendship you no longer enjoy due to their behaviour ??

As per the other thread im a ghoster so wouldn't bother
However there was a situation a few years ago in my (old) friendship group which resulted in one woman contacting another to say "were on different paths in life now I wish you and family all the best" it was true but reliever was gutted as she had hoped when the dust had settled they could work things out but thay wasn't to be.

In my opinion, just fade away then leave the chats and thats it!

Reciever *

this l is ChatGPT suggestion

Hey [Name], I’ve been doing some thinking about where I’m at in life, and I want to be honest with you. We’ve shared some really good times over the years, and I’ll always appreciate those memories. But I feel like we’ve grown in very different directions, and to be honest, I don’t enjoy our time together the way I used to.
I’ve noticed some patterns that don’t feel good to be around — like the gossiping, the way things I’ve shared have ended up being told to others, and a general vibe that leaves me feeling drained rather than supported.
I don’t want to rehash or blame — I think we’re just not aligned anymore in terms of values or energy.
I wish you nothing but the best, but I don’t feel like continuing the friendship is right for me anymore. I hope you can respect that. I genuinely hope things go well for you

I would phase her out

did the reciever
after reflecting feel at least she knew where she stood or do you think she would have preferred the slow fade
which perhaps is a longer way to end things ? And perhaps more unsettling ?

and how would you do that ?

would you worry that would upset that person more ?

It never ceases to amaze axe me how many Mners are ‘friends’ with people they obviously dislike, and come on here with endless dilemmas about negotiating or ending those friendships, when they could all be solved by simply only befriending people you genuinely like and value.

My question to you, OP, is why you are concerned with ending the friendship ‘in a nice way’, when you don’t like this catty, bitchy, negative person? Are you afraid she will badmouth you to other people?

I don’t think there is any good way to do this. I think I’d rather have a slow but obvious withdrawal by a friend than sent something essentially saying you’re boring and I don’t like you anymore, which is what will come across however you try to fluff it up. I think it is different from a romantic relationship.

This is also true. They’re not nice to you by the sound of it.

I’m not sure there is a nice way. I ended a 40 year friendship because I found the friend’s behaviours (towards others, not me) unacceptable. I was quite cowardly and just started avoiding contact/making excuses not to meet up, until I could no longer avoid addressing it. I told the friend that I couldn’t connect to her or relate to the friendship and cited the behaviours. I told her if she had any problems causing these behaviours then I would absolutely help her. But it was just her inherent personality. We’ve had no contact for over 8 years now and I don’t regret it. There were good times we’d shared, laughs we’d had together but none of that outweighed the distaste I developed.

I should have addressed it sooner but ultimately I was honest in as neutral a way as I could be, when it came to it

My question to you, OP, is why you are concerned with ending the friendship ‘in a nice way’, when you don’t like this catty, bitchy, negative person? Are you afraid she will badmouth you to other people?

no, I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings as even though I can see this friend is not good to me
it’s not all the time and I can tell that she does really want to spend time with me and be in my life
and the neggy comments come from a place of insecurity

Yes I do agree they are not nice or good to me
hence why I don’t want to see them

If you have a friend who irritates you by something they constantly say or do and you never take them to task for it. you are really being unfair. You have not made your feelings known or given them a chance to alter their behaviour. Lets say you have very different political views. Your friend is strongly anti-immigration and from time to time expresses seniments which you find deeply disturbing. In the past you have said nothing, just changed the subject.

If you were frank with your friend and told her how you felt, you are giving her an opportunity to alter her behaviour shen she is with you. She may value the friendship sufficiently to decide to avoid the topic alltogether when in your company. However if you one day lose patience and tell her you find her views unacceptable then you have been a hypocrite. Your erstwhile silence has implied acceptance.

This happened to me when a long term friendship ended for what appeared at the time to have been trivial reasons. My friend highlighted something about my behaviour that had never occurred to me as important. I would have valued the friendship sufficiently to alter my behaviour when in her presence. I was never given the chance. She ended our association with some very harsh words:

"Your letter made me realise that I have been a hypocrite. I went on accepting your hospitality when I should have spoken out. ...I consider our differences fundmental and I can see no point in our meeting."

Years later she found me on a social media site and sent me a message. "Long time, no see. F." I never replied.

Yes it’s like I’d to shake hand say
thanks for the good times we have had
I honestly wish you the best
shake hands and be done

but I know that’s not realistic
and even if I say
theres other things I’d rather spend my free time doing, that will be turned into well why don’t you want to do things with me ….

Any message will come as hurtful , I think the best way is a slow fade away.

Friendships change and people change. I probably have about thirty people that I see regularly and make an effort to see over a course of six months.

Ten of those I would consider close friends.

It's inevitable as a change, an age that i'm not going to remain friends with them.
New people come, i don't have the time for everybody. Some people become more and more bitchy, or you see them in a different light. Some change when they get a new partner or job.

I think the op is just trying to work out if it's better and less hurtful for the person. If you ve made this decision to just cut them off slowly and ghost them, or actively tell them why you re no longer want to be their friend.

I am very much a wuss and do the slow fade. It's happened to me with one friend who actually at the time. When I realised she started doing it, I was upset as we've been good friends for 15 years. But in reality, I do find her quite irritating, and I know she finds me annoying so makes sense. I think if she had confronted me. It would have been a lot of drama and upset in our group, whereas this slow phase has given us both time. Just to accept it and b perfectly happy to see each other at social events without bothering, to make an effort to do anything on our own.

It’s not about different views
in actually love to see the way others view life differently, as it can also make you see things differently

it’s about basic decent behaviour like not being considerate, not being selfish, not wanting thi new your own way all the time, not gossiping, not passing on things ive told you, not making neggy commmets, simply not enjoying it anymore and feeling you you’d rather do other things

people surely know they behave in this way
surely they don’t need to say
these are the basic standards of which to treat someone

Yes it’s exactly that
I’ve already decided I don’t want to spend my free time on this person

im just looking on how to go about that
suppose if someone felt that way about me if perhaps prefer a slow fade

But you befriended someone who behaved this way. It’s just that now she’s not confining it to other people.

Sorry what do you mean?

the first few years of friendship were great enjoyable and fun

In short, no. There is no 'nice' way to deliberately end a friendship. An attempt to clearly and unambiguously break-up will almost certainly cause upset, drama and conflict.

Slow, obvious fade-out / ghosting is the only way to go. If the person notices, and asks you if there's a problem, then you can decide if you want to be honest about the reasons.

It's difficult though - I have a good friend who I now dread spending time with. It took me a few years to realise that they're not stressed, tired, or going through a difficult time because x, y, z... they actually view the world in a very critical and negative way. I just try to spend less time with her, and to work on my feelings of resentment because that's me being unreasonable.

I think you are putting too much thought into this. If she doesn’t bring anything to your life and you get nothing from the friendship just slowly start to phase her out. If you don’t really like her then who cares what she thinks.

Yes that’s my over riding thought, there’s actually no easy or kind way to end a friendship and however you do it can hurt someone’s feelings
no getting away from it really

I'm in a position where I can see that my friend is largely a nice person, she tries to be a good friend but I can almost hear her internal monologue saying "what a good, considerate friend I am". I find myself increasingly irritated by everything she does and says. She massively bigs up all her experiences and is relentlessly positive, or alternatively when things are going wrong, they've never been so bad for anyone else. When I was going through a really bad time recently I felt that she refused to acknowledge it because what she's going through is always worse, in her eyes, her pain trumps mine (even when it doesn't). I can't come back from that. So I recognise that she's a good person but I still want to dump her as a friend but can't quite bring myself to do so. Why!?!

I’ve faded out my old school friend. We didn’t see each other very regularly and she doesn’t live close by so easier, but she was still stuck in a period of our lives years ago (aged 20) and would talk about it constantly without taking breath. We’re now in our mid 50s and I’ve had a family, career and children. She still lives with her mum. I would have stayed close except for this obsessive focus on a period of our lives years ago, which in all honesty was very tame and boring, but maybe because that’s when she was happiest. However I can hardly even remember it as so much has happened since, plus I’ve received a few pointed or negative comments from her about my life, etc including comments about my DH weight. He’s not big, just carrying a little extra weight as many of us do in our 50s. She also criticises or shows surprise at life choices I make, due to thinking of me as my 20 year old self. It’s all very weird. So I’ve just avoided meeting up and it is sad as she was my oldest friend, but I’ve needed a week to recover every time I’ve seen her recently. I wish her well etc, but in her head she’s still 20 and I’m not, so we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. She was absolutely horrified when I mentioned menopause symptoms to her last time and told me quite aggressively, she wasn’t at that stage yet. I wouldn’t have told her face to face it was over though, as that would hurt her and she doesn’t deserve that.